Hell Hounds Are for Suckers

by Jessica McBrayer

  Hell Hounds

  Are For

  Suckers

  Jessica McBrayer

  Copyright © 2012 by Jessica McBrayer

  ISBN 13:978-0-9847008-7-5

  All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book, or portions thereof, in any form whatsoever, without prior written permission by the author. No part of this book may be reproduced, decompiled, reversed engineered, or stored, or introduced into any information storage system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without express written permission of the author. If you pirate this work, I will come after you.

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used facetiously. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, or to events or locations, is entirely coincidental.

  Published by Mess of Geckos Publishing

  810 Seaview Drive

  El Cerrito, CA 94530

  Books Also By This Author

  Stained

  San Francisco Vampires Series:

  Sucking in San Francisco

  Acknowledgements

  This book was inspired by a very special person that is no longer with me. It was both sad and joyful to write. While mourning her I also was able to bring her back a little bit.

  Marik Berghs had a lot to do with this book. Many of her edits found their way verbatim into the book as she knew Hannah from birth. She also did the cover art, which is amazing as usual. Thank you.

  Thank you to Reina Williams for her feedback and edits. As always you are the best cheerleader.

  I hope you enjoy the book as much as I loved writing it.

  Jessi

  For more information about me, check me out at:

  http://www.jessicamcbrayer.wordpress.com

  Follow me on Twitter @jessimcbrayer

  Email me @ jessica.mcbrayer@gmail.com

  For Hannah

  My Muse

  CHAPTER 1

  It was a dark and foggy night. No, really, it was. I was walking through the Mountain View Cemetery at the end of Piedmont Avenue in Oakland. I’ve been feeling melancholy lately and this particular cemetery is a beautiful place to walk, especially on nights like tonight with a full moon peeking through the fog at intervals. Seeing in the dark isn’t an issue so the moonlight gives a nice ambiance. Mountain View is peaceful place for the departed to rest in—the truly departed and those of us who are stuck here with stately avenues and winding pathways. Its stately avenues and winding pathways were the creation of the same man that designed New York City’s Central Park. I come here often to reflect and meditate. here—or anywhere else. Lately, it seems that everyone I know has someone to share their life with.

  They’re living their happily ever after. Not that I go for that crap, but you get the picture. There aren’t many vampires around here, but even the ones I’ve met and dated have never worked out. There’s the small fact that I’ve never met a male vampire that attracted me. Too arrogant, self-impressed or nasty, to trip my trigger.

  But then I met Lily’s friend Sebastian. I would have loved to share his time, or anything else he wanted. When we were first introduced and I was openly drooling over his charm, and gorgeousness not to mention the way he looked, oh I guess I already have, Lily warned me about what a huge player he was. It only took a couple of days to see that was an understatement and I’m not into one-night stands. Then he straightens up and what does he do but fall tongue over tonsils in love with Lily. I have to admit I’m envious. Not of Lily but of their commitment.

  Even Aidan, a djinn friend, another drool-worthy male and the odd man out like me, is in a relationship in his own dysfunctional way with Lily. He’s still hanging on to her. I know they have some kind of weird thing going on. I love Lily but if she could bottle whatever it is she’s putting out I’d beg, steal or sell anything I had to get me some. The undead do not manufacture pheromones, so no help there. She is beautiful, so you’ve got that, sweet and sassy but she has some major anti-bacteria and handi-wipe habits.

  You’d think with the old Vamp aura I’d be all set up with a nice little human. Humans are nice to know but I just can’t take the heartbreak. A few years and you can watch the aging process before your eyes. I still considered it a couple of times but I couldn’t go the full distance, pulled my unbeating heart away just in time. I’d lost everyone I’d loved before, at some point you just have to get a clue. Human dude=dead man walking. Better alone than facing that again and again.

  I don’t know how I’ve reached this point in my life. Alone, with no direction. Just existing. For a vampire it is a dangerous place to be. I’ve known vampires with no focus to go mad, insane and get violent. Violence fills the void. I’ve been in that place before and I don’t want to go there again. It happened after I first turned, which was during the Civil War. My maker turned me and then set me loose in the world without any mentoring. I wandered the states draining my victims and fighting other vampires for their territory. Eventually, about a century later, I wound up on the West Coast and stumbled into the free love movement. I tasted my first hippie blood and it mellowed me. Not long after that I met Lily and she made it her mission to become my friend. She saved me. Helena, Julian and Sebastian, her best friends, old, old, vampires, took me under their wings. Helena is a witch, think Glinda, not the green one. She and her lover Julian have a humane philosophy and they all practice no-harm, no-foul, in their hunting. I’m so thankful for their love. But there’s still a void. A few weeks ago I helped them fight off some evil witches and a warlock and my need to tear flesh worried me. Since then my dark mood deepened. I felt restless and unsettled.

  As I walked analyzing my life I heard a low growling. The fog can distort sound, even my supernatural bat-like hearing was confused. I wasn’t sure where it is coming from. When my vampire hearing kicked in, I was sure I could track it down. My adrenaline spiked and the hunt excited me. The growling got louder near the Gothic Chapel and I pulled up my thigh high stockings and stomped down my combat boots, getting ready to kick some ass.

  I edged around the chapel searching for the source. Moving the creeping ivy and brushing past the flowers I rubbed up against the cold façade of the building. The fog cleared and the moon shone down on the small, furry black package making all the noise.

  “Hey little guy, I’m Hannah. What’s your name?” I cooed searching for a collar.

  Before I could touch the puppy, it leapt into my arms and started licking my face. It turned back towards the headstones and let out a blood-curdling growl. Much louder than anything its size should have been able to make — but then what did I know about dogs. Gah! Dog drool all over my face. I scrambled to put the dog down confirming he didn’t have a collar or anything to identify his owner. I couldn’t hear anything in the vicinity that would make him nervous so I wiped off the offending saliva. He whimpered as soon as his huge feet hit the ground.

  “Sorry guy, but I’m just not that into dogs.”

  He sat there panting, unimpressed with my vampire scariness, and let more drool drip to the ground. Long canines and a lolling tongue. His eyes were sharp and followed every move I made. When I turned to walk away he followed me.

  “You stay there, boy. Shoo. Good doggy.”

  He panted and trotted after me. I could tell he had no intention of staying put as he shadowed me back to my vintage Volkswagen beetle. When I opened my door he jumped insid
e before I could stop him.

  “Okay fur ball, out! Get out of the car! You’re sliming all over the faux-leather interior!” I could afford real leather, but hey, I’m green.

  He didn’t move. An inch. He sat there in the passenger seat and looked at me. With the overhead light on I could see those big puppy dog eyes he flashed me were a brilliant green. I made to grab for him but he wiggled out of my grasp. He thought dodging me was a game. After several minutes of using vampire speed and coming up empty handed, I finally gave up. I was too disgusted about the drool flung all over my seats to care.

  “I suppose you expect me to feed you? Just don’t get any wise ideas that if I do, it means I’ll keep you.”

  And with that comment hanging in the air, I rolled down his window so he could hang his muzzle out and we cruised down through Oakland to Berkeley onto Telegraph Avenue and Ashby to a chain pet store that was still open.

  CHAPTER 2

  Fur ball and I strolled into the store. The night clerk started to give me a hard time about the woofmeister not being on a leash but I flicked a little glamour his way and we were good to go. I browsed.

  “What do you like to eat, fur ball? You’re still a puppy so it says here that you should have the baby food.” He gave me a soft yip so I figured I was on the right track. I picked up a large bag and walked down the treat aisle.

  I never imagined there could be so many choices. Pig ears, cow femurs, liver treats, dental chews, organic treats, just to name a few. I grabbed several and made my way to the toys. I knew from a friend that if I didn’t have something for him to chew on, my combat boots would be in danger. I let him pick out his own toys and he chose four, surprising me with a realistic stuffed bunny rabbit that squeaked. He decided to carry that one while we went to the collar and leash aisle. I picked a green collar to match his eyes. One hundred and seventeen dollars later and I had myself a dog. Until I could find a home for him. I wasn’t cruel. I wouldn’t just throw him onto the streets. I’d already tried that and he’d found his way back to my car. Goddess knows I couldn’t take him to the pound and have who knows what happen to him. I can’t bear to see anything in a cage. I would just have to find his owner or find a new one for him.

  Six blocks later, I pulled up to my small bungalow in Berkeley and parked in the garage. Unloading the dog paraphernalia and unlocking the door was somewhat of a challenge as the fur ball was under my feet, bouncing back and forth, trying to get inside. I dumped everything on the oak table in the kitchen, tossing the overgrown puppy the bunny squeaker toy. He jumped to get it and ran off to explore. I unpacked and washed the dishes before setting them out with food and water.

  . In all my one hundred and seventy-one years, I never thought I would allow an animal to live in the house with me. I whipped my head in the direction of the living room as I heard the familiar unearthly growling. In vampire speed, I was next to fur ball to see what was wrong.

  He looked out the front window at a late night jogger. I groaned. He was guarding his territory like he already thought he was home! I reached down and patted him on the head. After all in his doggy brain he was just doing his job. He didn’t waste any time rolling over expecting a belly rub. I found myself laughing for the first time since I moved into my house fifty-seven years ago. He got his belly rub and I got down on the floor to play with him. He licked my face. The laughter was so over when I realized I was now covered in dog slime. I might have mumbled something about leaving him on a farm in the country as I made my way to the bathroom and started getting ready for bed. I intended on reading until dawn, which is the sleepy time for young vamps. My original plans for partying had been abandoned because of fur ball.

  I brushed my teeth and washed my makeup off, climbed into some pajama pants and a tee shirt. It sucked that I still needed to sleep eight hours a day. I was approaching the two hundred mark and supposedly I wouldn’t need to sleep anymore – at least Julian had said I would probably outgrow the need to sleep. I can’t wait. The minute I hit my brass bed the fur ball jumped up and snuggled next to me. He was warm. It was nice to curl up to since being cold-blooded is well – cold. I wrapped my fingers into his soft fur and fell asleep.

  CHAPTER 3

  Something was licking my face. I shot out of bed ready to attack until I remembered the events of the night before. I looked down to find my uninvited boarder studying my face with big sad green puppy eyes. Scooping him up, I headed for the kitchen. Thought I’d refresh his water and food dishes. He had drunk some of his water. The food hadn’t been touched.

  “What’s the matter with your food, fur ball? Don’t you like it?”

  Maybe he preferred a different brand. After my shower we’d head back over to the pet store and buy a few more bags. That little glitch resolved, I headed to the nostalgic claw-foot tub in my bathroom and pulled the Ed Hardy curtain around me. I love to sing in the shower and today was Three Days Grace’s Pain. I was toweling off when I noticed fur ball was waiting for me on the rug. I sighed to myself.

  “What are you doing there? Do you need a bath too?”

  He growled his big burly growl. Apparently not.

  “I take that as a no.”

  I flicked some water on him and he jumped, snapping at the droplets.

  “My Grandma, what big teeth you have.” He missed the literary allusion.

  I toweled off before applying my makeup. Started with plenty of black eyeliner. My short, chunky hair was Edgar Allan Poe Black this week with purple on the tips. Smoky purple eye shadow finished my look matching my hair and nails. Dark.

  The big black fur ball followed me into my bedroom. Had he grown overnight? I focused on my wardrobe. Getting dressed takes a while. It isn’t as easy as it looks to figure out a Goth slash punk wardrobe. Final selection: a short plaid skirt, thigh high socks, Mary Jane’s with skulls on them, a white shirt with cap sleeves and a leather choker with a leather wrist band. Ready for the day, I called to the fur ball. I really had to find a name for him if he was going to be sticking around for more than a few days. We headed for the garage to get him some new food. I reminded myself he was only going to be around a few more days. When he was gone, I’d have quite a donation for the homeless shelter, all their dogs need to eat too.

  This time I had a leash so no untoward looks at the pet store. I picked out four new bags of puppy chow: organic, bison, no grain all chicken and traditional puppy chow. The dog talked me into a new toy. When we got home, I opened up each bag and poured a sample of each in front of him. He sniffed and then sat down a few feet away and whimpered.

  “Nice. Don’t eat. I didn’t invite you over for dinner anyway.” I was really starting to get worried.

  “What’s wrong? Why won’t you eat any of this? You’re really, really bringing the Ganja Girl down.” I gave him my own version of the sad face. He barked and out came a flash of fire. My vampire reflexes and speed kicked in and I avoided it. My table cloth didn’t. I grabbed the fire extinguisher and put out a small blaze. Dammit that was vintage. The Batenburg lace was now charred.

  “What the hell was that?”

  Fur ball barked again and another flame erupted. This time I was ready with the extinguisher just managing to keep my rabbit’s foot fern from frying. Of course, I wasn’t sure what the chemicals would do to it.

  I was freaking out, to put it mildly. I always take my blood from herbally enhanced donors, so maybe the little guy just needed a chill pill too. It would give him an appetite. I knew someone who could get some chocolate bars with medicinal grade marijuana in them. I called her immediately.

  “Jill? Hannah. Can you bring me a chocolate bar? It’s an emergency. Yeah. Half an hour? Great, thanks.”

  “Little guy, hold on. Help is on the way.” We passed the time by playing with his new toy. Jill stopped by and I paid her for the chocolate. She comme
nted on the cute puppy but he wouldn’t come out from behind my legs to see her. As soon as she was gone I force fed him the chocolate. Surprisingly it wasn’t that hard to do.

  And then we waited.

  Pretty soon the fur ball was staggering around and falling down. I shifted into hyper-panic.

  “This calls for expert advice and there is only one person I know who can help us. We’re going to see Julian. Saddle up, fur ball.”

  I scooped him up and streaked to the garage. In two of his doggy heartbeats he was sitting in the front seat of the bug with his head hanging out the window. We sailed across the Bay Bridge. His tongue was lolling and his eyes were unfocused. I was hoping he wouldn’t hurl. I was scared.

  CHAPTER 4

  I pulled up to the mansion that Helena, Julian, Sebastian and Lily’s call home. Or as Lilly calls it, the “Manse” for short. I saw the fleet of the older vampires’ Mercedes and Lily’s Prius. Hopefully the gathering included Aidan. Despite his hopelessly entangled heart, I could never get enough of that tall drink of djinn eye candy. I lugged the fur ball up the marble stairs and knocked on the oversized, intricately carved doors. Andrew answered. He’s been their butler ever since Lily rescued him from his unemployed status when the coffee shop he’d been working for shut down. He is an ardent admirer of moi. When he saw what I had in my arms, his eyes widened.