In My Heart: a sweetbriar hearts novel

by Everly, Nora

  I stepped back to kick it in like Luke had done earlier, then reality struck me. No way could I kick in a door.

  I pounded again, then rang the bell.

  “Damn it, Luke, let me in!” I shouted. Still, no answer. I knew he was in there. His truck was in the driveway. He had to have picked it up, then come home.

  I stopped for a minute to plan my next move, then remembered that Luke had given me a set of his keys earlier. With shaking hands, I pulled the keys out of my pocket, found the right one on the first try, and let myself in. I rushed through the doorway and frantically looked around. He was sitting on his couch. He quickly wiped his cheeks with his hands and stood up when he saw me.

  “Lily, what are you doing here?”

  “What am I doing here? Where else would I be, Luke?” I burst out. The adrenaline left me once I saw he was okay. Cold fear replaced it when I saw the blank expression in his eyes. I took a step toward him.

  He stepped back. “I feel like being alone right now. Can I call you later?” he said. He was cold. He was gone.

  I felt myself start to retreat. But I managed to gain some courage. “I don’t think you should be alone right now. I can just sit with you, or I could fix you a snack, or a drink …”

  “No, thank you. I want to—I just need to—damn it, Lily, just go, and I’ll call you later. I can’t do this right now,” he barked.

  I flinched, but I wasn’t about to give up. “Do this? Is nothing going to change? You can be there for me, even when I don’t want you to, but I can’t be there for you when you so obviously need me? I’m not going. You don’t have to talk to me, but I won’t let you be alone.”

  “If I want to be alone, it has nothing to do with you,” he insisted.

  “It has to do with both of us. Being with someone isn’t always going to be good times, sunshine, and rainbows, Luke. You’ve got to let me be with you in the bad times too. I just want to help.”

  “I don’t deserve your help, Lily. I don’t deserve your sympathy. I don’t deserve your love, and I need to be alone, so please—” He gestured toward the door again.

  “Why do you insist on punishing yourself, Luke? You deserve my love. Quit pushing me away. I know you love me, and I know you need me right now. You’ve been killing yourself trying to make me see it, trying to earn forgiveness that we’ve all already given you. I love you. Hear it, please know it. You are worth it. You are worth everything to me. We will never be okay if you don’t let me love you.”

  “Lily, you don’t understand. There is no way you could.”

  “You’re beating yourself up, blaming yourself for things out of your control. You feel responsible for Liam, and for other things you won’t talk about. I see the ghosts in your eyes, and I always did. I have seen the way you talk to Liam and to Jed. I know you talk about your past with them. I don’t know if I have the right to ask for details. I don’t even want details unless you want to give them to me. But I think I have the right to know how you are hurting when it’s affecting us, when it takes you away from me. Do you really want to be with me? Do you trust me? You have to come back to me, Luke. All the way back. You’re here, but you’re not with me. You promised no more running. If we can’t be honest, then what do we have?”

  “I don’t know!” he cried. “We have each other, don’t we?”

  “Then you have to talk to me. Tell me what you need, so I can give it to you,” I implored. “But don’t tell me to leave. I can’t do that.” Please listen to me, Luke, please.

  “I’ve taken too much from you, Lily,” he insisted again.

  “You have not. I want to give my love to you. I want to give myself to you. If you can’t let me in, then we have nothing.”

  He just stared at me with that cold, undecipherable look on his face. His blank eyes cut through me. It hurt.

  “I don’t understand why you even wanted me back. I’ll leave you alone, then. Goodbye, Luke.” I turned away from him and stumbled as I rushed toward the door, trying to get out before the tears started falling.

  I heard his bootsteps on the floor behind me. I was almost to the door when I felt his arms band around my waist from behind. His lips touched my neck. “Don’t leave me, Lily, please. I don’t want to be alone anymore.”

  I melted back into his arms. He heard me.

  His arms split, one banded around my hips and the other across my chest, palm under my chin to turn my face to his. He kissed me hard.

  “I need you.” He kissed me again, tongue pushing harshly into my mouth. He abruptly released me and stepped back.

  “Then take what you need, Luke,” I offered.

  “I want you. I need you. I am tired of feeling like a dead man walking. I feel alive when I’m with you.”

  I reached up and pushed the straps of my sundress down, letting it fall to the floor, leaving me in my underwear and heels. I looked over my shoulder at him. “Then take me.”

  I felt his hard chest hit my back as he wrapped me up in his arms, moving us toward the couch in the living room. All the while his hands moved over my body, cupping my breasts, between my legs. He continued kissing me, my lips, my neck. Kissing and nibbling his way over my shoulders as he pushed the straps of my bra down. I felt him kneel behind me as he unhooked it and tossed it aside. Kisses rained down over my back as he pushed my panties down my hips. I stepped out of them and kicked them aside just in time for him to reach up and put a big warm palm between my shoulder blades before pushing me gently over the side of the couch. I felt his breath between my legs. He kissed the inside of my thigh, and I bent farther over. I felt him at my center, his tongue entering me, his hands spanning my hips, pulling me into his face, his fingers reaching around to swirl right where I needed it. He’d always been so, so, so good at this.

  “Oh, God, Luke.” I gasped.

  He abruptly stood up. I saw his shirt fly over my head to land in front of me on the couch; I heard his boots, then his belt buckle hitting the floor. I felt his warm skin and the hard muscles of his torso against my back. His chest hair tickled me in the most delicious way as he kissed my neck, then he shoved into my body, pushing inside me with rough strokes.

  Yes …

  His tears hit my back as he relentlessly pounded inside me, breaking my heart while at the same time putting it back together again. He traced the top of my spine with featherlight kisses as his hands dug into my hips to pull me back into his thrusts before he suddenly stopped and stepped away.

  Confused, I turned my head to look at him.

  “God, oh God, Lily, I’m so sorry,” he said. He steadied me and moved around me to sit on the couch. “Did I hurt you?” he asked brokenly.

  “You did not hurt me. Why did you stop?”

  “I don’t want to take from you, not like this.”

  I stomped, still wearing my heels, to stand in front of him. “Look at me,” I demanded.

  He looked up; eyes hot as they traveled up my body.

  “Take me, damn it. Stop hiding how you feel. I want everything. I want you, Luke. I want the real you, without the apologetic mask. I want you every way you come to me, happy, hurting, angry. No matter what, I’m yours. Quit protecting me and just be with me.”

  “I have to protect you,” he insisted. He moved his hands to my waist, gently caressing me as he gazed up into my eyes.

  “You do not. I’m a big girl, Luke. Rejecting me is not protecting me. Leaving me is not protecting me.” I kicked off my heels, stepped closer, then climbed into his lap, knees to the cushions on either side of him, putting us almost back into intimate contact. I watched him gasp as I brushed over him.

  “I don’t want you to see me like this—out of control. It’s why I left. I need to be by myself to get a handle on it,” he said.

  Such crap. It broke my heart that he felt this way. “Do you want me to leave this time?” He shook his head, his eyes never leaving mine. “Can I have you back, Luke?” His eyes grew dark. I felt his big body shudder under my palms and b
etween my thighs.

  “God, yes. Take me back, Lily. Please,” he ground out.

  I slid forward and up, then lowered down to take him back inside.

  He inhaled sharply, and his head dropped forward to my chest.

  I cradled his face between my palms, lifting his gaze to mine. Wiping the tears from his cheeks, I kissed each one. “I love you, Luke. Don’t make me leave you. Let me in,” I whispered against his lips.

  “No, I don’t want you to leave. God, Lily—don’t stop.” His eyes burned into mine as I softly rode him. His hands tightened on my hips, then caressed up my ribcage to lightly glide over my breasts, over my face, then into my hair. Tugging gently, he brought my lips to his and kissed me softly.

  “Then you’ll take what you need,” I murmured against his lips. “You’ll give me what I want.” I pulled back and looked into his eyes as I started to move faster over him, grinding against him each time I went down. “I want you. All of you. I want all the happy and sad, the angry and scared—all of it. I need it, Luke. I want it.”

  He gripped my hips in his big palms, and I gasped as he stood up, driving himself all the way inside me. “Wrap your legs around me, baby,” he ordered. “Our first time back together won’t be on a couch. I’m taking you to my bed.”

  I did as he said, and he walked us to the staircase and up. We were still connected. Each step ground him into me in all the best places until I was almost mindless with the feelings coursing through my body. I wound my arms around his neck and held on. I loved how his big body felt against mine as he moved. Feeling him inside me, finally back where he belonged, was euphoric.

  He was all I could see as he walked us through the huge upstairs hallway to his room. I rained kisses over his neck and upper chest.

  He stopped walking and pressed my back against his door as he thrust up into me.

  “God, yes, Luke.” I gripped his big shoulders and writhed against him as we came together against the door. He buried his face into my neck with a soft groan, slid out of me, and shifted me up higher with his hands on my behind.

  He kissed me, then whispered into my neck, “I promised you my bed. I wanted to go slow.” He looked at me with a grin and opened the door behind me, took a few more steps, then he let go, and I fell to my back on his bed. He knelt between my legs, then lowered himself over me, bracing his arms on either side of my head. I tucked my legs against his sides as he kissed me deep, tickling my tongue with his own.

  “I’m not done with you,” he said between kisses. “That was too fast. I haven’t had nearly enough. We can talk after.”

  “Are you with me now?” I whispered.

  His eyes held mine with intensity, with love and lust, with something primal that I had only ever felt with him. “I’m with you, Lily. Never leaving. On my life, I swear it,” he whispered back, then he kissed me again. This time, it was sweet, deep, and best of all slow.

  I ran my hands from his shoulders over his arms.

  He took my hands in his and held them, interlacing our fingers together as he entered me slowly. “You feel so good. You feel like home,” he whispered.

  “Luke …” My breath hitched because I felt it too.

  Home.

  Tears filled my eyes because I was finally where I was meant to be. Finally. Luke with me, inside me, surrounding me with his love. The tears spilled down my cheeks. I couldn’t stop them. One of his hands let mine go and went to my cheek to wipe them away. But the other hand held tight to mine, and I knew… I knew, that he was never letting go again.

  “I love you, Lily. I never stopped, and I never will. You have me, baby, you have me …” I felt his labored breaths against my ear as he whispered those words. The hand at my cheek moved down, between our bodies.

  “Come with me again,” he said and gave me what I needed to push me closer to the edge. I wrapped my legs around his hips, and he thrust harder.

  “Yes, yes,” I cried into his mouth. His tongue touched mine, and I felt myself come apart. But he wasn’t done giving me more, faster, even harder. I jolted with each thrust, ran my fingers into his hair, and held on tight. My head flew back as it hit me. He buried his face into my neck and shoved his arm around my hips to lift them, so he could get deeper. I had it all, his weight on me, his hand held in mine. I sighed while his beautiful body surrendered as he filled me.

  “I love you too,” I murmured when I was finally able to speak.

  He shifted to his back and pulled me on top of him. I nestled closer. He hugged me tighter. I opened my eyes and looked at him.

  “I had no intention of leaving you,” he finally said. I nodded and moved to lie on my side next to him. He rolled over to face me. “I didn’t intend to do a lot of things, Lily. Leaving you was the stupidest thing I’ve ever done. I let years slip through my fingers.”

  “That’s over now,” I insisted.

  He shook his head. “Is it?”

  “Where are we?” I kissed his chest, right next to a jagged little scar.

  “In my bed.” He grinned

  “Yep, all naked in your bed. You’re not leaving this time. I won’t let it happen, plus, this time, you are getting help. You wouldn’t have left me today. You were just upset.”

  “Yeah. I just wanted to think, to sort it all out in my head. I was about to call Jed. I didn’t want to dump on you.”

  I gave him a look. “Love is all about dumping on each other,” I said as he laughed and grabbed my hip, pushing me back a little bit.

  “I want to see you. Naked Lily, finally in my bed.”

  I pushed myself back against him. “No, it’s too bright in here. And I don’t look the same.” He frowned at my words. “You’re beautiful. What are you talking about?” His hands on my skin were making me feel beautiful, but my insecurities about my body had taken over.

  “I’ve had two kids, Luke. Things aren’t as tight and smooth as they used to be.”

  He grabbed my behind and squeezed, making me giggle. Then his hands started wandering, up over my breasts, back down over my waist. I shut my eyes. “Hmm, tits are bigger.” I gasped, then laughed. “Hips are rounder; makes your waist feel smaller. And your ass …” He gave it another squeeze. “All I see is beauty; all I feel is you. None of it is bad. Is that it?”

  “I have scars, from Calla,” I whispered.

  “I have scars too, and none of them are from something as beautiful as Calla.” He sat up and grabbed my hands when I moved to cover myself.

  “Uh-uh,” he said. “Don’t hide from me.”

  I relaxed, and he let my hands go. I could feel his eyes on me, then his hands, softly moving over my skin. He stopped at the scar from my C-section. “Is this it?”

  I nodded, and he bent down to kiss it, tickling my skin with his beard.

  “And where is the one from Dylan?” he asked with a knowing grin.

  “Uh, you already kissed that one. Earlier, on the couch.”

  He smirked. “Should I kiss it again?” His smile now was pure flirty Luke. It transported me back to the past, when our love had been simple and easy.

  “You can kiss that one whenever you want. I recommend you do it often because that one hurt worse.” I was laughing. My insecurities had flown away, and I felt silly for even having them in the first place. I sat up. “My turn. I want to see yours.”

  He smiled and held his arms wide. “Go for it.”

  I started with the one on his chest that I’d discovered a few minutes ago, right below his nipple. I kissed it and laughed when it made his muscle flex. “Ticklish?” I asked.

  “Some things never change. Be careful,” he warned on a grin.

  I pushed his shoulders to make him lie on his back. He laughed and relaxed into the bed. “I have a lot of scars, baby. This could take a while. And mine aren’t pretty little pink and white ribbons like yours are.”

  “I’m going to kiss them all better, Luke. No matter how long it takes. I’m going to know you again, every inch.”

&
nbsp; His eyes grew serious. “Don’t ever let me go, Lily,” he said.

  “Never, Luke. You’re mine, and I’m yours, and it will stay that way.”

  He pulled me down on top of him and wrapped me in his arms.

  21

  Luke

  “We should get up.” I opened my eyes at Lily’s whisper. I mentally rejected her words because I liked it right where I was. Lily was draped across my chest. I could feel every inch of her warm, sweet body against mine. Her beautiful hair was spread out behind her as she was tracing meandering patterns across my skin.

  I was in sensory overload. It was like a dream—the dream I had been having since I’d left her had finally come true. I was in heaven, and I did not want to move. This was the moment I’d been hoping to have ever since I first saw her again. I hugged her tighter against me and shook my head.

  “I have to get the kids from my mother. Rocky is there, and we should go see Liam again, and bring the kids to see him,” she murmured against my chest.

  Despite her words, she pulled me closer, tucking herself tighter against me. I couldn’t get close enough to her. Even being inside her wasn’t close enough. My heart was about to burst at the seams, I could feel tears prickling against the back of my eyes. I wanted her to need me. I was desperate for it because I needed her so much. I trembled when she kissed me gently across my chest. I sifted my hand through the hair at her nape, and she leaned forward to give me better access. She’d always loved it when I played with her hair. Funny how this felt new yet so familiar at the same time.

  I pulled her hair gently to tip her head back, so I could look at her face. I got distracted by her expectant smile, so I kissed her before I answered her. “You’re right. But first, I have to confess something. I understand where Liam’s head was at.”

  Her smile turned soft with concern, and she nodded encouragement.

  “I understand it because I have been there, without hope, feeling alone and desperate for the pain to stop. It was after I got hurt, after I had come home. I didn’t go as far as he did, not nearly. The thoughts were enough to scare me. I called Jed, then later got help from my therapist. But I have felt that way before. I thought you should know. Toward the end, right before the explosion, I was starting to doubt everything I had done. It was getting harder to stay away from you. I had so many regrets and carried so much shame for abandoning you without a word, like a coward. Then the explosion happened, friends died, Liam and I almost died, and I knew right then that I had been a fool for leaving. My life flashed in front of me, and every mistake I’d made was at the forefront. Then I got home, and Jed told me I had a son. The magnitude of my choices hit me, and at that moment, I felt I didn’t deserve a second chance with you or any chance with Dylan. I thought maybe you would be better off if I had just died. I was lucky that I had Jed, so lucky that I had him to talk to …”