The Red Diary

by Toni Blake

  Lauren's blue eyes went wide as she lifted one hand to cover her mouth. "Oh God. Come in." Reaching for his arm, she drew him in out of the rain.

  When Nick woke the next morning, Lauren's arms curled warm around him. They lay in her bed, and he wore only underwear. They hadn't had sex, but he remembered her peeling off his wet clothes, wrapping a thick towel around him. He remembered her kissing him. his cheek, his brow, and he remembered kissing her back, warm and deep and hard, because sometimes words still remained much harder to come by than kisses, and each had taken him a little farther away from his father's apartment.

  He was glad they hadn't had sex, because sex with Lauren had never been about escaping pain, not once, not the first time, and not even the last time, after dinner at Elaine's. Even when he hadn't wanted it to be about anything good, anything emotional, being with Lauren had always held that-emotion. Always.

  Now the sun broke through her half-moon window, and he knew she'd held him all night long. The silk of her pajamas rubbed slick against his skin as she shifted to look into his eyes. "Hey," she said quietly. It made him think of his mother, of the soft, loving tone she'd used when be was sick, or sad.

  "Hey." He met her gaze, but it wasn't easy. He'd never been good at letting his vulnerabilities show.

  "Sleep okay?" He nodded.

  "Pancakes today?" She smiled hopefully. "Technically, I think it's your turn to make breakfast, but I'll cut you a break." "No. Don't go yet." Vulnerabilities aside, it just felt too damn good to have her pressed against him. When she gave him a questioning look, he said, "I'd rather starve than let you go right now."

  All amusement faded from her eyes. "Can you ever forgive me, Nick?"

  He shook his head in confusion. "For what, Princess?"

  "I never should have suggested you talk to your dad." "No, I'm glad I finally know the truth. God knows it was time."

  She stroked his hair. "How are you?" she asked, her expression more probing than the words, and he began to recall more things he'd said to her last night, about blaming himself for Davy's whole life, saying he'd never forgive himself, and why couldn't he have just put the damn bat away? His father's rage, of course, had been about far more than a bat, but that had been the thing to set him off. She'd said calm, soothing things, but he didn't know what, hadn't quite heard, although he knew that she'd cried, and he'd cried, and he'd just kept saying to her, insisting, "I don't cry. Inever cry," because he couldn't quite believe he was doing it in front of her.

  He tried to formulate an answer for her. "Better than last night," was the best he could come up with.

  "That's something." She attempted a smile.

  "It's just an old hurt turned a new way, that's all. Digging into me deeper than before. and maybe it always will now-but I'll survive."

  "I want you to do more than just survive, Nick." She sounded worried.

  "Come here." He shifted to pull her into his arms, lowering a kiss to the ridge of her breast where it curved up from the silk. ''I'll be fine." She would help him be fine. He didn't say that part, but he knew it. Just having her to turn to, having her hold him through the night she saw things in him, made him see things in him, that he'd never have seen on his own. Lauren got dressed, then grabbed Nick's wrists and pulled him up from the bed. It was nearly noon and he hadn't budged, which was understandable, but she thought it was time. "We're going out for brunch."

  "Brunch?" He gave her a skeptical look.

  "You know, late breakfast, early lunch. They have a lovely brunch at the Yellow Hen."

  "The Yellow Hen, huh?"

  She knew he drove past the quaint Victorian house turned-restaurant probably every day of his life, but had probably never once stopped there. She nodded, then pulled him toward the shower. "I'll grab your clothes from the dryer, then we can go." While Nick was in the shower. the phone rang; her dad called to invite her to an impromptu party at his house that night. "I thought it would be smart to get everyone back in good spirits after this Phil fiasco, show them all is well at Ash Builders." "It's a good idea, but I won't be able to make it, Dad. Sorry." She knew her response threw Henry off, yet she hadn't even considered accepting.

  ''You can bring Nick, introduce him around," he replied. A nice thought, but one Lauren wanted to save for sometime when she and Nick would both be more in the mood. "I think it's important for you to be there," he added. "After all, you're central to our future and getting more so every day."

  She sighed. ''I'm afraid this weekend just isn't good. Another time, okay?"

  Seldom had she heard her father sound more baffled than when he finally said, "What's so important that it can't wait?" Taking a deep breath, she decided it was time she finally tell her dad the truth and take matters in hand. "Dad, you know how important the company is to me, and you know I'll always work hard and do my best for Ash Builders, but ... " "Yes?"

  "I'm afraid your parties are sometimes a little wild for my taste, just like Phil's. And frankly, I think we should consider making any get-together associated with Ash a little more professional in nature in the future. For the same reason we didn't want to let this business with Phil reach the media. It's important to protect our image, even among our employees." Her father stayed silent a moment, before finally admitting, "You probably make a good point."

  "I think so, too. Besides which, you can't expect anyone, including me, to feel obligated to come to a party with so little notice. So while I think it's great you're trying to boost morale, and I love you and the company as much as ever, I won't be there tonight."

  After a short hesitation, her father laughed. "I think you just put me in my place, sweet pea."

  "Dad, it's not like that. It's just ... time I speak up for myself, say what's on my mind. Otherwise, how will I ever run the company?"

  On the other end of the line. Henry Ash chuckled.

  "Point well taken, honey. I won't expect to see you at the party and ... well, perhaps the next time we get together. you can outline for me what you think constitutes a professional event."

  She smiled. "I'll be happy to."

  As they started to get off the phone, Lauren said, "Dad, one more thing. About Nick. Thank you for ... accepting him as part of my life."

  "As he pointed out to me, I don't think I had much choice." His tone remained lighthearted, but was under laid with the long, sad history between him and John Armstrong.

  "Still you didn't have to invite him to your party just now, but you did, and next time I promise I'll take you up on it. By the way," she said, softening her tone, "I met Nick's dad."

  She could almost sense her father's gut clenching, even over the phone. "How is he?"

  She swallowed, trying to think how much to explain.

  Most of it, she decided, was no longer any of Henry's business. "He wasn't good. And just so you know-" she kept her voice soft despite what she was about to say "I have issues with how you got his half of the company."

  "So do I," he admitted quietly.

  "But it's long in the past, and probably time to lay it to rest," she assured him. She hoped Nick could lay it to rest, too. There was really no other option if he were to be happy.

  After brunch, Lauren talked Nick into stopping by Davy and Elaine's, saying she wanted to get to know them better, and she really did, but she also thought it might be good for him to be around other people who loved him right now, good to see that life still went on, that nothing had changed between last night and today. She and Elaine sat on the back deck at a heavy, old metal table sipping iced tea as Davy and Nick tossed a softball in the backyard, and Nick commented at least three times

  that he'd pick up some white spray paint for Elaine's table and chairs. Elaine seemed a tad nervous at first, but it wore off quickly as they made small talk about Nick's work and the great job he'd done painting Lauren's house, and she even used the opportunity to say they'd have to come over for a cookout sometime. Most importantly, though, Nick seemed relaxed as he and Davy flung th
e ball back and forth, for the first time in a couple of days.

  Later that afternoon, they ended up back at her place in the pool. When Nick admitted that he, Davy, and Elaine had always dreamed of having a pool like hers, she quickly said, "We'll make the cookout a swim party."

  "Cookout?" He lay floating on an air mattress at the pool's rim as she knelt to hand him a soda.

  "Yeah, I invited Elaine and Davy to come over sometime."

  She hadn't been sure he would like the idea, but in response, he sat up, placed one hand behind her neck, and pulled her down into a warm kiss. "You're so damn good to me," he said, his voice soft and low.

  She smiled into his eyes. His kiss, and the part of his world she'd experienced last night and today, filled her with a new sort of heat-something as comfortable and safe as it was sultry. She was a part of his life now in a way she hadn't been before. "There's more where that came from," she teased.

  "Yeah?"

  "Oh yeah." She took the drink can back out of his hand and set it on the ground beside her, then lunged onto the air mat on top of him. It tipped over with a splash and they came up laughing, and Nick chased her to the shallow end, where he drew her into a wet embrace.

  His eyes were all heat by the time he reached behind her neck to undo her top. It fell down over her stomach, exposing her breasts to the hot sun, to his possessive hands. He captured them, squeezing, kneading, making her moan through the hungry kiss he delivered.

  Letting the kisses trail downward until he was licking, sucking, tenderly biting at her nipples, he sank his hands beneath the water to push down her bikini bottoms. She shoved his trunks downward, too, wrapping her hand around his erection as soon as it was freed. He groaned, the heat in his gaze transforming to pure fire as he pinned her to the edge of the pool, bracing his arms on either side.

  Leaning in, he pressed his hard column against the cleft between her thighs like a promise-until she spread her legs for him, and he pushed his way in, fulfilling the vow. Even without a Polynesian lagoon, he'd turned yet another fantasy real. Tipping her head back, she drank in the warm caress of the sun as Nick caressed her in a far rougher way below. She basked in the moment, in the always incredible sensations of having him inside her, of the sun and the water and the perfection of her life. And as he made hot love to her, she flashed on something he'd said earlier over brunch. I'm sorry I left you the other night. I won't do that to you again.

  It wasn't I love you, yet somehow it was almost as good, and remembering it now made their lovemaking even sweeter.

  "What did you think of Nick's girlfriend?" Elaine asked Davy as they drove toward Albertson's. It would be more crowded on a Saturday afternoon, she'd said earlier, but she needed to pick up a few things since she hadn't been able to go in with him the other day. Then she'd winked about the last part.

  "Pretty," he said. Lauren was as pretty as any woman he'd ever seen, let alone talked to. She reminded him of a perfect life-sized doll. "And nice;" Nice enough that he'd instantly felt comfortable with her, enough to show her his fish without anyone else suggesting it. She hadn't looked at him like he was different, and it had made him like her immediately. "1 thought so, too," Elaine said.

  As they drove, he thought about how he sensed the storm inside Nick weakening. It wasn't something just anybody could see-probably even Elaine couldn't see it-but he knew Nick in ways no one else did, so for him, it was easy. He'd spent most of his life watching his brother's confident moves, his take-charge attitude, and the dark eyes that softened only for him. But something in those eyes had changed lately. They'd gotten a little more gentle in some way he inherently knew had nothing to do with him. And it wasn't a temporary, moment by-moment thing, either. It was like Nick had had some kind of plastic surgery-but on the inside. Maybe in his heart. He thought maybe it was because of Lauren, especially since he understood better now than he ever could've before how a girl could affect you that way.

  He was still thinking about Nick when he pushed a cart into Albertson's at Elaine's side, and the next thing he knew, he saw Daisy. She glanced up and they made eye contact and he smiled. He hadn't meant to do it, hadn't planned it, just did it. And she smiled back.

  It was like Christmas lights had been strung through his whole body and someone had just plugged them in, like heaven had just opened up before him and it was a garden with a girl named Daisy sitting right in the middle of it.

  Elaine grabbed his wrist after they'd walked past.

  "Did you see?"

  He had no idea what she was talking about-he was still busy smiling, and hoping his heart wasn't going to melt in his chest. "Huh?"

  "Did you see your frame? It was hanging on the wall behind the floral counter."

  "It was?"

  She nodded, excited. Then her grip on his wrist tightened. They stopped walking, and Elaine peered at him with wide eyes.

  "You should go back there. You should talk to her. Right now."

  "Huh?" he said again. The very suggestion had all those Christmas lights short-circuiting inside him. After all, he'd just gotten what he'd dreamed of-he'd earned Daisy Maria Ramirez's smile. He didn't particularly want to risk messing up a moment so perfect with something as unimportant--or, in his case, risky-as words.

  Yet Elaine's gaze was practically wild. "Listen, I know it's scary, but if you do it right now, without even thinking, if you just walk up to her and say hello, it'll be fine. I promise."

  The last part was what got him. Just like Nick, Elaine never lied to him. "Really? You promise?"

  She gave him a slow, solemn nod, and such firm assurance from his sister somehow made him brave, made him believe. She was right. He could do this.

  So without another word, he took a deep, nervous breath, then walked back toward the floral department, never slowing his stride, never letting himself plan anything or think any further than the heavy beat of his heart. A moment later he stood before Daisy Maria Ramirez and she looked up at him expectantly and he wished he'd never been born. But then he remembered the smile she'd given him just a short minute ago and let it restore a little of his new found courage. "Hi," he said.

  "Hi." Her voice was as soft and pretty as her delicate face. And she wasn't looking at him funny, either-at least not yet. He pointed behind her, to the daisy frame. "I made that for you."

  She peeked over at it, then turned back to him, her eyes shining on him like he'd woven the silk daisies himself. "You made Daisy's Garden?"

  His chest sizzled from the way she was looking at him. He felt like he might burst apart at any second, so he worked very hard to stay calm, to hold himself together. Then he nodded.

  She bit her lip thoughtfully, her eyes growing wider and rounder. "It's beautiful."

  You're beautiful. "I'm ... glad you like it."

  Just then, her gaze shifted across the wide front aisle to a stem-faced older woman who watched her. She lowered her voice. "I can't really talk now. I have to work."

  For the first time, Davy noticed the array of flowers spread on the table before her. And he didn't even have to sift through the lines he' d practiced in his head to come up with, "Can I watch? I like watching you put flowers together." She gave him another smile that reached all the way into his stomach. "Yeah, you can watch."

  And as she turned the blooms into artwork before his ardent eyes, his heart hurt, but in a really good way, because she still hadn't looked at him like he was weird or puppy like and he knew he'd been right all along. He knew she didn't mind that he was different.

  Sunday morning, Nick awoke to find Lauren standing next to the bed, showered and dressed, at far too early an hour. "I have to go to the office."

  Shaking off sleep, he raised on one elbow. "What's wrong?"

  "I just found out the subs' checks didn't make it into the mail on Friday after I left. The printer broke, and it just got fixed yesterday. Andrea, the woman who usually does the mailing, can't come in."

  "It can't wait 'til tomorrow?"

 
; She shook her head, her blond locks shimmering about her shoulders. "I want to get them to the mailbox outside the post office today. That way, everyone might get them only one day late instead of two. I know most people really need their checks."

  True enough-he couldn't pay his guys until he got a check from Ash. "Do you want me to come with you? If it's just stuffing envelopes. I can help."

  She smiled sweetly. "Thank you, Nick, but Sadie's coming in, too. We both know the routine, so together we should be able to knock it out in an hour or two. Keep sleeping, and I'll be back before you know it."

  Yet after she disappeared out the door, Nick couldn't sleep. He showered and dressed, glad he'd started keeping a few clothes at her place, then rummaged in the kitchen for breakfast, which he ate by the pool.

  He'd been doing some thinking, and not just about his family. Other than Davy, and perhaps his mother, he'd never known anyone who gave their love so freely, in so trusting a way, as Lauren had given hers to him. Look at him, sitting here eating her food next to her pool, like he lived here. She'd made him this constant fixture in her life without ever questioning how long he'd be here, what he'd give her in return, if he loved her. The only thing she'd ever asked was that he stay the night after they slept together.

  And God. how he' d ended up taking from this woman. Not just sex, but her compassion, her patience, her faith in him ... a faith that-hell. he didn't even know where it'd come from, just that she gave him so much and he gave her so little. Because he'd taken something else from her, too, something he could never give back. He'd taken those private thoughts in her journal. Time and again, he'd taken her secrets, her fantasies

  He'd used them to lure her in, and he'd used them later just to make her think he was special, that they. were special together.

  And if Nick had learned anything from Lauren, it was that secrets weren't good. Even after what he'd learned from his father on Friday night, he remained glad he'd confronted him once and for all, just to say-l know what you did. Dad. I remember. It happened.

  And just as anger at his dad had been eating him up inside, taking from Lauren was eating him up, too. Even as he'd made love to her yesterday in the pool, he'd felt like he was taking, like he was there under false pretenses, like she thought he was something he wasn't. He was afraid he'd always feel like he was taking from her until he told her the truth. Drawing a deep breath, he gathered his breakfast dishes and carried them inside, then slowly made his way up the stairs. When he reached the top, he entered the dark, quiet space where she worked, its very atmosphere now reeking to him of sex and fantasy and the forbidden thrill of knowing her thoughts. He'd come here with a plan.