Even If It Breaks Me

by Dominique Laura

  His smile widened. “It was a busy morning, I had to help out a friend.”

  It was then I noticed he was in a pair of jeans instead of basketball shorts. No wonder I hadn’t seen him when I tried to spot him. He hadn’t been there.

  “I’m really glad you’re here.” I bit nervously on my bottom lip.

  “I am too, Jade,” he said, his chocolate brown eyes never leaving mine. “I am, too.”

  “How old are you?” I asked, curious.

  “I just turned seventeen.” His head tilted. “How old are you?”

  “Fourteen.”

  If he was disappointed at that, he didn’t show it. I knew he was older, I just didn’t think it was by three years. At least he was under eighteen, that made me feel better. I was a rule follower and I had seen enough crime shows to know that when girls under the age of sixteen fell for boys eighteen and older, it didn’t end well. In this case, it wouldn’t have mattered. It wasn’t going to end well either way. Fate didn’t have us in the cards. But during that second meeting, we were clueless, clueless and infatuated. Falling in love was strange.

  Tian nodded once. “Do you get a break?”

  “I do.” I glanced at the time. “Right around now, actually.”

  “Come with me?” He held his hand out.

  I walked around the snack bar setup and took it, without hesitation, cupping my hand in his.

  He led me to one of the few empty spots beneath a tree and we sat together, hands still connected.

  “You said you were fourteen, does that mean you’re a freshman?”

  “I sure am, and it isn’t as exciting as the movies make it out to be.”

  His mouth lifted. “Nothing ever really is though, right?”

  “I expected to feel different somehow, I guess? I don’t know. My life has never been very extraordinary.” My eyes widened and I backtracked. “Not that it’s terrible, I’m just not great at much, especially when it involves people. I either word vomit and go completely silent because I never have any idea what to say or do. It’s too much pressure sometimes, trying to be that person you think everyone else wants you to be.”

  His hand gently squeezed mine. “Then be who you want to be, everyone else be damned.”

  “Easier said than done though.”

  “Yeah, I get that.” He shook his head. “Man, do I get it.”

  “What about you? Are you a senior then?”

  “Yeah, and my life isn’t all that exciting either.”

  “What makes you say that?” I asked.

  “Like you said, there’s too much pressure trying to be who others want you to be.”

  “Then just be who you want to be, isn’t that what you just said?” I nudged his shoulder.

  He laughed, leaning his head toward mine. “Hey Jade?”

  “Hey Tian?” I breathed out nervously.

  “Let’s be who we want to be with each other.” He suggested. “We can be each other’s escape from the not-so-exciting lives we live, what do you say?”

  I should have denied him, called him out on how weird the idea was. I should have done what any other sane person would have done and laughed him off, changing the subject. But I didn’t. I nodded, eager for the small reprieve he was offering me and the parts of himself he was willing to give that no one else had. I was naive. I believed that he was really genuine, but I would learn eventually that he needed someone to lean on and use. I became that person, and by the end of it, my heart would be battered and bruised and broken beyond repair. I just didn’t know it then. How could I?

  “Yes,” was all I said.

  “I was really hoping you’d say that. You won’t regret this.”

  He was wrong. It was going to be the biggest regret of my life. He would be the one memory I’d hope to someday forget.

  But when his lips locked onto mine and his hands held my face, I could only sink into him, sink and pray to whoever was listening that he wouldn’t let me drown.

  Wishful thinking is what that was.

  But I was in, so deeply in that while my head was screaming its warnings, my heart silenced it with its hope and optimism.

  That kiss was only the beginning and that girl who so willingly handed her heart to a stranger? She’d just be someone I used to know, a distant, unobtainable memory.

  My phone buzzed beside me and knowing who it was, I reached for it immediately. Tian and I had a thing going. I say a thing because I’m not really sure what it was, just that we were a something and that was honestly enough. Maybe.

  Tian: You up?

  I looked at the time, it was just after midnight. The thing with Tian? When we weren’t hanging out Saturday morning at the park while I volunteered, the only other time we talked was around midnight. It was weird, but he was busy. He was a senior and involved in sports, but he still wanted to talk to me. He could have chosen to sleep every night, but he didn’t, he spent that time talking to me. It was nice. I felt wanted, needed. My fourteen-year-old heart felt connected to someone for the first time, and I didn’t want to lose that. So, I rarely questioned him. Instead, I took what he offered and held on tight.

  Jade: I sure am. How was your day?

  Tian: It was ok. I missed you.

  My heart flipped in my chest.

  He was sweet, almost always. I loved it. Every single time. But his sweetness was a cover, and I was too foolish to realize it.

  Again. I took what he gave and barely batted an eye.

  Jade: I missed you more. When can I see you again?

  Tian: Saturday. You know it’s my only free day.

  I sighed, knowing we’d never have more than just Saturdays. Two months had passed, and I really didn’t want it to end just yet.

  Tian: Jade? I’ve gotta go. See you Saturday.

  Jade: Okay. See you then.

  Another thing? Our texts were only a few at a time, never lasting more than a few minutes.

  Was it weird? Yeah, it was. But I craved what he gave, so I let it slide, like I did with almost everything else in my life.

  I closed my eyes and willed myself to sleep. It was Wednesday. Saturday couldn’t get here quick enough.

  “Have you thought much about what you’re going to do after graduation?” I asked, leaning back on my hands.

  Sebastian was seated across from me, his legs spread out in front of him and his arms resting on top of the basketball he used when on the court.

  “Nah, but my mom always said she wanted me to work in her field.”

  “What does she do?”

  “She’s a doctor at the county hospital,” he said like it was no big deal.

  I, on the other hand, was fascinated. His mom was a doctor? That was incredible.

  So, I said so. “That’s incredible.”

  “Yeah, I guess. She’s awesome.” He smiled, his dimple popping in and out, it was so quick.

  He was so casual about everything, I wasn’t sure if anything fazed him.

  “What’s your life like, Jade?” He asked quietly.

  I mulled the question over. What was it like? It was boring, normal, ordinary, plain. Like me. I wasn’t anything special. People called me pretty and nice, but those same people rarely made an effort to hang out with me. I had one friend, and I believed that if we hadn’t had our diapers changed together, that we wouldn’t be as close as we are now. Becca was a ball of fire, always blazing and moving, never quite dulling, even when people tried. She was the type of person I aspired to be like someday. But even though we were close, I still hadn’t told her about Tian. He was my secret to keep, and I’d have it that way for as long as I could.

  “Jade?” He prompted.

  “Right, sorry.” I laughed awkwardly, shaking my head. “It’s normal, I guess. I wake up, go to school, cheer practice, and then I go home, sleep, and do it all over again.”

  “Are you happy?” He asked softly.

  “I think so, yeah,” I said, nodding my head. “I don’t really have a reason not to be. Ar
e you?”

  “Most days.” He looked across the court. “I didn’t realize how unhappy I was until I met you, though. How cheesy is that?”

  My heart jumped up and down in my chest, begging to break free and cuddle up with his own heart. I took a deep breath, calming myself and trying not to outwardly freak out over his words. He was a sweet talker, but I liked to believe he was the type of person who didn’t say things unless they meant them.

  “It’s a little cheesy.” I laughed. “But cheesy sounds good coming from you, so I don’t mind.”

  “I’m really glad I met you when I did, Jade.” His voice was solemn, and my heart clenched at the sound.

  “Why is that?” I asked softly.

  He didn’t answer me, instead he moved toward me, grasped my cheeks between his hands, and pressed light, gentle kisses on my lips.

  He was always that way with me. Gentle, I mean. He was never rough or demanding, just soft and sweet, and I didn’t know if that was the person he was always or only when he was with me, or maybe it was the person he was trying to be. Either way, Sebastian Hayes was making his mark on me, whether I knew who he truly was or not.

  “I want to give you more than just Saturday mornings, Jade,” he whispered against my lips. “But I’m not sure if I can.”

  I shook my head and pulled him back to me, ignoring the protest my heart was throwing at his confession.

  I wanted more, I did, but if this was all he could give me, then I would accept it.

  “It’s okay.” I lied. “We’ll work it out.”

  “Where have you been hiding lately?” Becca asked curiously. “I feel like I hardly hear from you anymore.”

  I laughed. “We see each other in class and after school at practice, we see plenty of each other.”

  “Fine, you have a point.” She grumbled. “But we never hang out for fun anymore, ya know? And I miss my best friend.”

  “I’m sorry, you’re right. I guess I’ve just been occupied.”

  “By what?” She narrowed her eyes. “Or, should I ask, by who?”

  I cleared my throat, my cheeks heating at her gaze. “A boy.”

  “A boy?” Her eyes widened. “Since when? Who is he? Anyone I know? How long has this been going on?”

  I stopped her before she could tack on a few more questions. “Take a breath, detective. He’s just someone I met at the park I volunteer at on Saturdays.”

  “And?” She prompted. “Tell me more. Answer all my questions, you know they’re burning inside me.”

  “You’re so ridiculous, but fine. I’d do the same to you if these roles were reversed.” I admitted with a laugh. “His name is Sebastian, and he’s seventeen. A senior at, well, I’m not sure where he goes to school exactly, but he’s easy and complicated all at once, and it’s the most exciting thing to happen to me, like, ever.”

  “And he’s good to you? I don’t need to beat him up or something?”

  “No, not at all. He seems to be going through some things, so Saturdays are the only time I really see him, and it’s rarely longer than a couple of hours.”

  “Wait, how long has this been going on?”

  “I don’t know.” I shrugged. “A few months, maybe more. I haven’t exactly been counting.”

  “Jade Young, you’ve got to be kidding me.” Becca not-so-lightly pinches my arm.

  “Ow. If you pinch me again, I’m not telling you anything else.” I threatened.

  “You’d really withhold that type of information from your best friend?” She sounded appalled, and her eyes narrowed. “What kind of monster are you?”

  I rolled my eyes, laughing. “The kind who doesn’t take kindly to abuse.”

  She stuck her tongue out at me. I stuck mine out back.

  “Ugh.” She crossed her arms and stomped her foot once. Her dramatics were my favorite thing about her. “Fine. I won’t pinch you anymore. I’m just shocked that this has been going on for so long and I’m barely hearing about it now.”

  “I know, I’m sorry,” I said sincerely. “I just, I guess he and I have been living in this fantasy world where we’re the only two that exist and our problems are minimal. He’s simple and uncomplicated in that he really doesn’t seem to expect much from me. All we really do is talk, aside from the occasional kiss, but even those are sort of delicate if I’m being honest.”

  “Did you just use the word delicate to describe a kiss?” She asked slowly.

  “Ugh, yes, I’m infatuated okay, I can’t help it.”

  “Infatuated?” Becca asked, brows raised.

  “Yeah.” I shrugged. “I like him. Maybe a little too much, but I do.”

  “And you’re going to keep him a secret?”

  “Yeah, I think that’s best,” I said honestly. “I mean, you know how protective my parents are. It’s sweet, but they’re also a little naive. Not in a bad way, just in a parent way, ya know?”

  “Sure.” She laughed. “Just be careful, okay?”

  “Aren’t I always?” I smiled, and practice began.

  It didn’t matter if I had tried to guard my heart that day because Tian had already settled in the deepest parts of it. At that point, there really was no turning back.

  “Are you okay, today?” I asked.

  My eyes locked onto Tian’s, who sat across from me. He blinked a few times, looked away, and then met my stare again. He looked tired, and he had been yawning since the moment we sat down.

  “Sebastian?” I pressed, hoping his full name would catch more of his attention.

  “I’m sorry.” He shook his head. “I’m fine. I just have a lot going on.”

  “Like what?”

  He dropped his gaze. “Just an… ex-girlfriend of mine. We’ve been having some troubles lately.”

  My brows drew together in confusion. “She’s an ex, but you two are still having issues? Well, that doesn’t really make much sense.”

  “She’s hoping we’ll get back together,” he said without a hitch.

  My heart froze in my chest. “And are you? Hoping, I mean?”

  He shrugged, looking slightly uncomfortable with the question. “I’m not really sure. She and I have a lot of history.”

  I could have brought myself into the equation, but I didn’t.

  Internally I was screaming though, begging for answers to questions I knew I’d never be brave enough to ask aloud.

  What about me? What about the last few months we’ve spent together? Is she better than me? Older? Prettier? More brave? Was I a toy you decided to play with for a little while until she came back around? What. About. Me?

  “Well, isn’t there a saying about how if something is meant to be, it’ll find its way?” I half-heartedly mentioned.

  “Yeah, something like that.” His mouth quirked up in a half smile. “So, what have you been up to, huh? What’s the rest of your life like when you aren’t here?”

  I smiled, knowing we’d gone over this before but that he was trying to change the subject. I’d give in like I always did because it was easier than the alternative, than confrontation. I wasn’t very good at it, so I avoided it at all costs.

  So, I told him everything, the things I had shared before and the things that I hadn’t. I told him about my near-perfect home life, my amazing parents, school, cheer, and my best friend, Becca.

  The more I spoke, the more he seemed to relax, his shoulders dropping whatever weight they had carried before. My words, albeit meaningless, silly, and possibly childish, eased some of his tension and I relished in that. I made a difference in his life. Our Saturdays meant something to him like they meant everything to me.

  So, even with the warning signs popping up at every turn, I ignored them. We hadn’t made any promises to each other and if his ex was who he wanted, I would try to be okay with that.

  Except. Well. What if our Saturdays collided with other days of the week?

  I shook those thoughts and leaned into his hug, burying my face in the crook of his neck.


  We’d just cross that bridge when we got to it. If we ever got to it.

  I should have known better, I really should have, but when you’re fifteen and hopelessly infatuated with an older boy, you throw logic and reason out the door and live in the moment, consequences be damned.

  It wasn’t a bad way to live, honestly. It was just different. Easy.

  Until it wasn’t.

  “I think I’m going to go on a relationship hiatus or something,” Becca mused from beside me.

  “A what?” My brows pulled together in confusion. “How does that even work?”

  She shrugged. “I’m just over the drama. Besides, it isn’t like last year where we were the newbies trying to find our footing or something. We’re sophomores now, another year wiser and gorgeous. We should be experimenting, sorting through our options.”

  “So, basically, you want to date?”

  “Well, yeah, but multiple people, not just one.”

  “Isn’t that common? I mean, dating doesn’t tie you to one person unless you’re exclusive. We’re young, we should be able to explore and have fun.”

  She arched a brow. “Really? Is that what you plan on finally doing?”

  “I have no idea what you’re talking about,” I said, focusing my attention back on the window displays of each store we passed. It was Friday night, and winter formal was right around the corner, so we were searching for accessories.

  “So, you haven’t been hanging out with an insanely gorgeous, older guy for nearly a year? Huh. Interesting.” She rolled her eyes.

  “Fine. I have, but that’s not the point,” I said exasperated.

  “Isn’t it, though?” She asked. “You’ve been together for months and still no one knows. Well, no one but me. Doesn’t that bother you?”

  “Not really,” I said honestly. “I like what he and I have. And we aren’t together. Not really. We hang out, and yeah, we kiss, but things are complicated. They probably always will be.”

  “How? Because he’s older? That isn’t exactly a big deal anymore. It’s only by a few years.”

  “He’s in his first year at university and I’m a fifteen-year-old high school student. Please share how you think anyone would react to that without being judgy.”