Even If It Breaks Me

by Dominique Laura

  “Maybe.”

  “Is that how you found me a few years back?”

  “It wasn’t too difficult,” he said with a shrug. “Becca posted everything and anything. Things were really crappy for a while, and I missed you—a lot. So, I drove to your university and went to the place you were most tagged in, hoping you’d be there.”

  “And if I hadn’t been?” The question fell out before I could think it through.

  His lips lifted, revealing his dimples. I narrowed my eyes even more.

  “Then I would have taken that as a sign and left you alone.”

  “You did leave me alone,” I said, confused.

  “That night, but I would have let you be.” He shook his head, brown eyes closing for a brief moment before connecting with mine again. “I would have left you alone, even after I saw the proposal plastered all over the internet. But I couldn’t—I wouldn’t. Which is why I’m here now. I need you to know that my heart has always belonged to you, Jade. That never changed.”

  “It’s been years, Tian.” I shook my head, disgusted and touched and angry and emotional and everything I should and shouldn’t have been. “You don’t even know me anymore, and honestly, I’m not sure I ever knew you. Why couldn’t you just leave it alone?”

  “Because I never would have forgiven myself if I didn’t at least try.”

  “Try what, exactly?”

  “To win your heart back,” he said simply.

  I barked out a laugh while my heart’s hopelessness battled with my head’s rationality. This didn’t feel real. This whole predicament, me standing in front of the first boy I ever loved, the same boy who lied and hurt me, listening to him profess his … whatever it was he was professing. It was all ridiculous.

  So I said so. “You’re ridiculous. Seriously. What, you found my info online and decided it was a good idea to reach out? That makes zero sense, Tian. Like none at all.”

  It was times like that I was grateful for living in a big city because avoiding confrontations and run-ins like this were usually easy. Usually. Except I had thought it was a good idea to meet up with my ex.

  Rookie move, Jade. When are you going to learn?

  “I hurt you, I know that, and I’ve hated myself for it since, but I won’t lose you. Not again.”

  “Okay, Mr. Delusional, let me say this again,” I paused for dramatics. Naturally. “You can’t lose what you don’t have, and you haven’t had me in years. My heart belongs to someone else now. It has for a long time. Dylan is … incredible, and he deserves better than me secretly meeting my ex at night in a park. So, if you’re done, I really should get home.”

  I turned to leave, but Sebastian stopped me, his hands gripping either side of my face. His chocolate eyes gazed into mine before he leaned down, his lips locking onto mine. I froze, physically unable to move as his lips moved against mine. My body reacted, returning his caresses. It was automatic, instinctual, and routine-like, I didn’t even realize I was participating until it was too late. It was like I was back to the fourteen-year-old girl I had been when I had first fallen in love with him.

  Snap out of it, Jade.

  Dylan’s honest smile and midnight-blue eyes flashed in front of my mind, breaking me from whatever shock had kept me semi-frozen in place.

  My heart thumped hard in my chest, and I shoved against his chest, pushing him away. He reached for me again, confusion shaping his features. I slapped him, my palm connecting with his cheek so fast that before I realized what I was doing, it was too late to stop. Like the kiss. The kiss that should have never happened.

  “You have some nerve,” I seethed. “You don’t have the right.”

  “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

  His cheek turned a light shade of red from my slap, and I cringed, quickly apologizing.

  “I am too. For the slap, at least.”

  “Do you love him?” He asked slowly.

  “I do,” I said, my voice strong and steady. “I once told him that although you might have been the love of my life, he was my soulmate. I genuinely believe that.”

  “The love of your life, huh?” He smirked.

  “You taught me how love shouldn’t be, and he showed me how love should always be,” I stated, not holding anything back. “I needed to get through you to get to him. I’m happy, Tian, and I’m getting married in a month. What did you really think this would accomplish?”

  “I guess a part of me always hoped that if I ever met up with you again you’d take me back with open arms,” he answered, his head shaking. “Wishful thinking, huh?”

  “Yeah, it was a lot more than just wishful thinking, but I get it, I think.”

  If I didn’t have Dylan in my life and Tian showed up, begging to take me back, I’d probably let him. But Dylan made me stronger. He helped me discover my strength, and I was stronger than what Tian had put me through. I was just too young to realize it.

  Heartbreak took my strength away, but love built it back up again. Love truly did conquer all, and I wasn’t going to let Tian take that away from me. Not again.

  Guilt settled in my chest, reminding me that I had lied to Dylan about where I was. He deserved better than that, especially from me.

  So, why was the answer to Tian’s next question a positive one? Well, because that fourteen-year-old girl who had popped back in when he attacked me with an unwanted kiss took control for a moment, and once it was out, it was too late to take back.

  “Can we be friends, Jade?” Tian asked, eyes sad and lips turned down in a frown. “Please?”

  “As long as you keep your hands and lips to yourself, sure.”

  If there was any doubt before, that was gone now, because Becca was definitely, one thousand and ten percent, going to castrate him.

  Maybe she’ll let me watch?

  I crawled into bed and cuddled up next to Dylan. After leaving the park, I had driven around the city for a couple of hours with a heavy heart and clouded mind. As much as I didn’t want it to, the kiss with Tian—the one I insisted was unwanted—played on a loop whenever I closed my eyes. I hated it. I mean, it meant nothing, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t take me back ten years earlier, to the girl who would’ve done anything to keep the boy who never deserved her to begin with.

  I was confused. Unsure. And angry. But mostly I was sad. He didn’t seem like he’d changed at all. Aside from the obvious maturity in his features, he was the same boy who had shattered my heart all those years before.

  Dylan’s arm wrapped around my body as I rested my head against his chest.

  His lips brushed against my forehead. “Hey, I was worried you weren’t coming home tonight.”

  I let out a nervous laugh. “Why would you be worried about that?”

  Guilt twisted in my stomach.

  “Because knowing Becca, you never know.” His fingers gently wrapped around my arm, squeezing softly. “How is she, by the way?”

  I blinked a few times before realization set in. I had told him I was going to comfort Becca, when in reality I had gone to meet with the only other person I had ever loved besides him.

  I was a horrible human being.

  His blue eyes, a direct contrast from Tian’s dark brown ones, held onto mine, patiently waiting. Always so patient with me.

  “She’s good. Yeah. You know how she is,” I said lamely.

  I closed my eyes, pressing myself further against his side. I had lied. But it was better that way. I had told Tian we could be friends, but that wasn’t possible, not while I had Dylan. And I didn’t plan on that changing. We were getting married in a month. I’d tell him the truth before then, but for now, while the night’s wounds were still clustered and fresh, I was going to keep it to myself. I had to.

  “Well, she’s lucky to have a friend like you.” His chest vibrated with his words. “Almost as lucky as I am to have a woman like you willing to spend the rest of her life with someone like me.”

  His sweet words. I wouldn’t ever tire of
them.

  Won’t you? Debbie Downer shared from somewhere in the darkest corners of my mind.

  I ignored her question.

  “You’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met, Dylan,” I murmured against his skin. “You’re extraordinary, almost too good to be true sometimes.”

  “I love you, Jade,” he said, and a tear slid free when I heard the smile in his voice.

  You don’t deserve him, the angel on my shoulder snarled.

  Yeah, you deserve someone like Sebastian Hayes, the devil on the other side admonished.

  I ignored their remarks, but when Dylan’s chest rose and fell with sleep, I cried myself to sleep, wishing I could erase the last few hours.

  He didn’t deserve what I had done. It was a kiss, one I pulled away from, it didn’t mean anything.

  But that was a lie. Because as a bold brunette named Brooke Davis from one of my favorite television shows once stated, “A kiss always means something.”

  I just didn’t know what this one meant. Or, truthfully, I was too afraid to find out.

  “Tian kissed you?” Becca asked, shocked.

  We had an hour of lunch to hash out everything, which wasn’t enough time, but ya know, we were working adults, so it was the only option we had unless we wanted to wait until after work.

  Her head shook and her eyes squinted before blinked slowly a few times. “He’s such a jerk. I mean, really. He obviously knows you’re getting married. And the weirdo has been following your moves on social media all these years? I could punch him, I really could.”

  “I’m pretty sure I slapped him hard enough for the both of us, but I appreciate your willingness to defend my heart,” I said with a light laugh.

  “Your heart?” She questioned with the small shake of her head. “No. I’m more concerned about Dylan’s heart. You really haven’t told him yet?”

  “It’s been two days, Becca. I’m still trying to process the night’s events myself.”

  “Well, it’s been two days too late if you’re asking me,” Becca tsked. “I understand that you’re in a state or shock, but if the situation were reversed, you know Dylan would tell you within seconds, if not the moment it happened. He’s open with you, he always has been. Men like Dylan are rare, Jade, and he deserves to know what happened.”

  “I’m afraid,” I admitted. “When Tian and I first ended things, I missed him and I questioned whether I had made the right choice. He was all I knew, the only version of love I had experienced firsthand. It was how I thought love was meant to be, even though I knew deep down it wasn’t. Dylan is proof of that. But Tian is and will always be my first love. It’s messing with my head, him being back.”

  “Have you heard from him again?”

  “No, but I have a feeling I might.”

  “That’s exactly why you need to talk to Dylan about it. If you wait too long, it might look worse than it actually is,” she said. “Things are only kept hidden if someone thinks there’s a reason they should be. Do you think you did anything wrong?”

  “Not really?” I scrunched my nose. “I feel like I’m living my fourteen-year-old life all over again, and the twenty-four-year-old woman I am now doesn’t know how to deal with that.”

  “Jade, what are you so afraid of? Truthfully,” she questioned, her voice full of understanding and concern.

  I thought about it for a moment. What was I so afraid of? But I didn’t need to process it for long because I already knew. That’s what scared me most, was that I should have been afraid but I was.

  And the reason for that fear? Well, what did that say about me?

  “Jade?” Becca pressed after a moment. “What is it?”

  “I’m afraid that I’m going to let the past overrun what I have now,” I admitted, wholeheartedly disappointed with myself. “I’m worried that Tian is going to worm his way inside the pieces of my heart still scarred from the time I had with him. It wasn’t what love should have been, but it wasn’t all bad either.”

  “Yes it was, Jade,” Becca said sternly. “He used you and broke you almost beyond repair. If you hadn’t met Dylan when you did, I’m not sure where you’d be now. Your fear isn’t unwarranted, but you love Dylan. Tian is doing what Tian does best and trying to manipulate you. Don’t let him. Okay? Just don’t.”

  “I’m holding the past against him, Becca. I mean, what if he’s changed? What if he really does just want to be friends?” I shrugged helplessly. “He and I have a lot of history together. Why shouldn’t we try to be friends?”

  “Are you hearing yourself? You just said why not even two minutes ago.” Becca’s eyes narrowed on mine. “You’re overthinking this and letting it take root. Stop. I get that your heart wants to revisit the past, but he hasn’t changed. If he had, he wouldn’t have kissed you or tried to convince you not to marry Dylan, someone he knows nothing about. He’s just being selfish, and if you let him continue to manipulate you, then you might as well end things with Dylan now because what would be the point? You’d basically be singing your own heartbreak certificate.”

  I blinked back tears. She was being brutally honest and saying what I needed to hear, not what I wanted to. It’s why she was my best friend, the one person I turned to for anything and everything, no matter how ridiculous or insane it might have been.

  “Gosh, what’s wrong with me, Becca? I’m acting like someone I always swore I wouldn’t be.” I swiped angrily at the tears as they fell. “You’re right. I will talk to Dylan, and I’ll talk to Tian too.”

  “You’re just in a state of heart shock. It’s normal, I’d assume, for people whose exes show up years later with bull promises, excuses, and lies,” she provided. “You’re not immune to the charms that only a first love can have. But you’re strong enough to ignore them, I know you are.”

  I sat silently, listening and absorbing her words.

  “Don’t let him back in Jade. There’s no reason to, as tempting as it might be,” she finished.

  “Okay,” I breathed. “You’re right. I know you are. I just, I’m being ridiculous, and I hate it.”

  “Now, talk to Dylan. It’s going to be fine,” Becca promised. “I expect a full report, got it?”

  I nodded my agreement, watching her leave. I wasn’t as confident that it would be fine. I was pretty sure it would lead to our first big fight, that I was about to ruin everything we had built together.

  But. No. That was fear talking. What we had was strong enough to endure anything, especially this.

  There’s only one way to find out, Jade.

  I willed my tears to stop and handed the wheel over to fate. The last time I thought she’d steered me wrong, she had actually steered me toward Dylan, so I was depending on her now more than ever to keep my heart intact.

  But even as that thought passed, I knew that sometimes fate was in our own hands, that we had control over our own destinies. Sometimes.

  My palms were sweating profusely. I could probably fill a swimming pool with the amount of sweat. Gross? Yes. A huge exaggeration? Definitely. But I was beyond nervous. I didn’t want to lose Dylan and though I knew our love was stronger than that, it didn’t stop the fear from creeping in and spreading like wildfire.

  I walked into our home with a newfound determination. Until I saw who was sitting on the other side of my soon-to-be husband at our dining room table.

  I cleared my throat and narrowed my eyes, mentally preparing for a scuffle.

  Dylan turned around, his eyes lighting up when he saw me standing there. He put down the papers he was holding and stood up, making his way toward me.

  “Hi, gorgeous,” he said with a smile, his fingers reaching out to graze the outside of my cheek. “How was your day today?”

  “It was fine,” I said softly, my cheek leaning into his touch. “I didn’t realize we had company.”

  There was a bite in my tone, and I cursed myself for it.

  “Hey, Jade, long time no see,” Erin greeted from behind Dylan, her voice a
s sugary sweet and fake as her smile.

  I gave her a tight smile. “Yeah, it has been.”

  And that wasn’t by accident on either of our parts, believe me.

  Now might be a good time to mention that Erin and Dylan worked for the same company and on this particular project they happened to be partners.

  It made my skin crawl, but what was I supposed to do? As far as anyone knew—anyone being Dylan—we were on good terms.

  But that was false. Since graduation day she had been trying to sink her claws into him and bless his soul, he didn’t see it that way at all.

  No. To him, she was just being her nice, cheery self.

  Maybe I was just reading too much into it, but I swear ever since he and I got serious our first year of college, my friendship with my roommate turned sour. It didn’t help that on more than one occasion, one of our floor mates would tell me to watch my back because she apparently felt like her night with Dylan had been one of the best of her life.

  Which, if you ask me, is hilarious because she was all apologetic or whatever when it had initially happened. But that was just part of her game plan, as I would learn later on.

  Anyway, they worked together, and when they did, I bit my tongue and smiled because I trusted Dylan. No matter how hard she flirted or batted her lashes, he was loyal to me.

  Guilt scratched at my heart, reminding me that he wouldn’t have let her do what Tian had done the other night. I had pulled away, sure, but had I done it fast enough? I was shocked and frozen in place, but as I mentioned before, I would have been lying had I said a small part of me didn’t light up when his lips touched mine. It was something I had done so much in the past that having it happen again ten plus years later didn’t ignite anything other than routine.

  “Jade?” Dylan asked, his concerned tone breaking through my thoughts.

  “Yeah?”

  “Are you okay?”

  “Yes, I’m fine,” I replied, swallowing back the dryness in my throat. “I’m just caught off guard is all.”

  “I’m sorry,” he apologized, sounding sincere as always. “I should have given you a heads up but things have been crazy busy at work. We could have stayed at the office, but you know how stuffy it gets after being there all day. That place is creepy and cold.”