The Happiness List

by Annie Lyons

  ‘Take Alan out for a walk,’ said Fran. ‘Or pull up weeds whilst swearing violently.’

  Everyone laughed. ‘Very good, Fran.’ Nik smiled. ‘Exercise or being outdoors are good ways of lifting your mood. And if the swearing works for you then go for it!’

  ‘I phone my best friend,’ said Sue. ‘She lives in Devon but we speak every week and she knows me inside out. She’s got me through some tough times.’

  ‘Friends are vital when life is hard,’ said Nik. ‘It’s good if you have someone you can count on no matter what – they can get you through the worst of times.’

  Ain’t that the truth, thought Heather. She couldn’t imagine how she would have got through the trauma of losing her parents without Gemma and although she accepted the fact that their relationship had shifted since the arrival of Freddy, she knew that her cousin was always there for her. Heather also knew that Gemma was finding motherhood a challenge and made a vow to always be there for her too. She would talk to Luke and make sure they had Freddy to stay more often for a start. She wanted to be helpful – to support Gemma when she needed her most.

  ‘Thank you for these ideas,’ said Nik. ‘I think this has given us a lot of food for thought about possible tools for dealing with life’s pitfalls. Now I would like to develop the theme further because it stands to reason that there would be no happiness without unhappiness – life is about light and shade. So, in order to do this, we need to consider our unhappiest moments – the times when we felt defeated by life. This may be painful for some of us and you can opt out at any time—’ Fran and Heather exchanged knowing glances ‘—because I want this to be a positive learning experience. If you can work out how to deal with the sadness and the darkness, to face it and not let it overwhelm you, then you will have a very powerful mindset and the ability to face anything life throws at you. I think this might be a good discussion for our individual groups and then if people want to share their thoughts afterwards, they are very welcome.’

  Fran, Pamela and Heather turned to one another. Heather felt so at ease with the pair of them now – they were like a family without the petty squabbles.

  ‘I suppose the unhappiest moments in life are always going to be when people die, aren’t they?’ said Pamela. ‘I mean you’ve had it the worst, Fran – losing your Andy so young.’

  ‘Yeah, I win,’ joked Fran. ‘But you’re right, Pamela – dealing with grief is the pits.’

  Pamela nodded. ‘The unhappiest moment of my life was when my brother died.’

  ‘I didn’t know you had a brother!’ cried Heather.

  ‘Ernie.’ Pamela smiled. ‘My little brother. He died of a brain tumour – he was only twenty.’ Heather squeezed her hand. ‘You never get over it, do you? But I think you learn to live with it maybe? I married Barry not long afterwards and then threw myself into being a mother. I bet your kids have been a distraction sometimes, Fran.’

  Fran nodded. ‘Like you wouldn’t believe. It’s hard to wallow in your misery when there’s an eight-year-old with her head stuck in the park railings. That actually happened by the way – Charlie was over the moon because the firemen had to use the Jaws of Life.’ Pamela and Heather laughed. ‘But yeah, family get you through, whether you want them to or not. And friends of course,’ she added with a meaningful look.

  Heather nodded. ‘Gemma dragged me on every night out going after Mum and Dad died, she wouldn’t let me stay in at all. She was with me the night I met Luke – she told him that I was the woman of his dreams. She’s the reason we’re together. I owe her everything.’

  The three friends smiled at one another. ‘We’re lucky to have people like these in our lives, aren’t we?’ said Fran. ‘They stop us going under. I’d have completely lost the plot if it wasn’t for my kids and my mother.’ She leant forwards and whispered, ‘Obviously don’t ever tell her I said that.’

  Pamela and Heather chuckled.

  ‘So, how have we been getting on?’ asked Nik a while later. ‘It’s hard, isn’t it sometimes, to think about the unhappy times? Much easier to box them away perhaps and not deal with them. But I promise you that if you can think in advance about what you need to do when life gets bad, you will find your resilience and be able to deal with pretty much anything. These things are never planned, are they? We never quite know how we’ll react when the time comes. But, if you have the tools ready in your mind – like going for a walk in the woods or a friend you can rely on – you will find a way to cope and not allow yourself to be defeated.’

  ‘I get by with a little help from my friends?’ suggested Fran.

  ‘Definitely. And I have to tell you that you all have some pretty strong tools in this room right now.’ They looked at one another and smiled. Nik gestured around the room. ‘These people are your tools – your friends, your support – don’t forget that. And you will have others, outside this room and other ways of dealing with the darkness. Add these to your happiness lists this week – the people and things who get you through the difficult times. Identify them and keep them close. You never know when you’ll need them.’

  ‘Heth, do you have any idea where my silver-grey tie is?’

  ‘Have you tried the wardrobe?’

  ‘That was the first place I looked but it’s not—oh, hang on, yeah, it’s here.’

  ‘Okay, great. We need to leave in ten minutes!’

  Heather tried to shake off the prickle of irritation. For some reason, she got the feeling that Luke was trying to wriggle out of going to the christening. He woke complaining of a headache and wore a look on his face that seemed to be imploring her to let him stay at home.

  She had remained largely unsympathetic. This was her godson’s christening and not just her godson – he was Gemma’s son. Gemma, her oldest, dearest and most valued friend. ‘I’ll make coffee and fetch you paracetamol and some water. You’re probably dehydrated after finishing off that bottle of wine last night.’

  ‘Oh,’ said Luke sounding surprised. ‘Okay. Thanks.’

  ‘You’ll feel better after a shower too. That always works for me.’

  ‘Yeah. Probably,’ he replied vaguely, watching her leave the bedroom. He had followed her instructions but now seemed to be dragging his heels, unable to find everything from an ironed shirt to his tie.

  Heather placed the engraved cufflinks wrapped with gold tissue paper inside the gift bag and finished writing the card.

  To Freddy.

  With love on your Christening Day,

  Auntie Heather

  xxxxx

  ‘Do you want to sign Freddy’s card?’ she called up the stairs. ‘Oh, you’re here, good. How are you feeling?’

  Luke clutched at his neck. ‘Actually, my throat is pretty sore and I’m worried about giving my germs to Freddy. Do you think I should stay home?’

  Heather was surprised at how determined she felt. ‘No, I do not. You’re fine – just take a bottle of water with you in the car. Honestly, Luke, it’s almost as if you’re trying to get out of coming. Freddy is my godson and Gemma is my best friend. Now, please, can we get going?’

  Luke seemed taken aback but nodded. ‘Yeah, okay – let’s go. I’m sure I’ll be fine.’

  ‘Great,’ said Heather, stuffing the card in its envelope and grabbing the gift and her handbag.

  There were already at least a dozen people gathered outside the church as Heather and Luke pulled up and parked in the lane. The sky was the colour of a fading bruise – yellow and purple – the threat of rain inevitable. Heather grabbed her umbrella from the back seat as the first drops of rain fell and a gust of wind took her breath away. The assembled guests were already hurrying into the church as Luke and Heather joined the back of the queue.

  ‘I’m just nipping to the loo,’ said Luke, disappearing through a side door without waiting for an answer.

  ‘Fine,’ muttered Heather. He’d barely spoken in the car, which was doing nothing to ease the irritation she’d been feeling with him all morning.
He clearly didn’t want to be here and she was annoyed that he was spoiling her enjoyment of the day. She spotted Gemma and Freddy, standing with Heather’s aunt and felt immediately cheered by the sight of her family.

  ‘Heather, how lovely to see you!’ cried her aunt, pulling Heather into a tight hug.

  ‘Edda,’ beamed Freddy, reaching out for her.

  ‘He says that all the time now,’ said Gemma with a weary edge to her voice.

  Heather noticed that Gemma looked tired – purple shadows rimmed her eyes and there was a hint of red that suggested she’d been crying. Heather kissed her cousin’s cheek. ‘Take the weight off and give him to me for a bit,’ she said. Gemma smiled weakly and handed over her son. Heather grinned as she took Freddy into her arms. ‘Hello, you,’ she said, planting a raspberry-kiss on his cheek. He giggled and gave her an open-mouthed kiss in reply. Heather felt as if she’d come home. This is my family, these are the ones who are here for me whatever. ‘So, how are you doing?’ she asked, nudging Gemma’s arm.

  ‘Fine, thanks,’ sighed Gemma, although she didn’t sound convinced. ‘Where’s Luke?’

  ‘He went to find the loo. Between you and me, I have the feeling he was trying to get out of coming today.’

  ‘Oh really?’ said Gemma, looking worried.

  Heather nodded. ‘I think he’s still a bit unsure about babies, you know?’ She kissed Freddy on the forehead. ‘But I’m sure that a bit of quality time with this gorgeous dude will sort him out, right?’ Gemma gave a vague nod, darting a glance towards the back of the church. Heather touched her on the arm. ‘Listen, Gem, let me know when you want us to have Freddy for the night again – I want to help.’

  Gemma stared at her cousin for a second before her eyes started to fill with tears. ‘Oh Heth,’ she cried, putting a hand to her mouth.

  ‘Hey, Gem. Don’t cry. It’s okay. Everything’s going to be okay. Listen, you go and take a minute. I’ll keep Freddy amused.’

  Gemma looked pale but nodded. ‘Okay. Thank you.’

  ‘No probs,’ said Heather, squeezing her arm. She could see that Gemma wasn’t herself and was determined to do all she could to help. ‘Freddy and I will be fine, won’t we?’

  ‘Edda,’ confirmed Freddy.

  ‘Thanks,’ said Gemma, hurrying to the back of the church.

  ‘Where’s Gemma going?’ asked Heather’s aunt, oblivious to her daughter’s tears.

  ‘I think she needed something from the car,’ said Heather.

  Marian nodded. ‘So-o. How are the wedding plans going?’

  ‘Good, thanks,’ replied Heather. ‘The venue’s booked, the dress is ordered so we’re well on the way.’

  ‘I’m glad,’ said Marian, squeezing her shoulder. ‘Your mum and dad would be very proud of you.’

  ‘Thank you.’ Heather nodded. ‘I feel as if I’m in a good place.’ It was true. She felt as if her relationship with Luke had moved from the infatuation stage to something more open and honest. They understood one another better, had acknowledged each other’s needs, and Heather felt that they were ready to make a proper commitment. Relationships took effort but it would be worth it in the end.

  ‘You look happy,’ said Marian, smiling at her niece. ‘And I’m looking forward to meeting Luke properly. Ah, here’s my lovely son-in-law. Everything okay, Ed?’

  Ed gave a genial nod. ‘Everything’s fine. Hey, Heather, it’s great to see you,’ he said, leaning down to kiss her.

  ‘Dadda,’ insisted Freddy, reaching out for his father.

  ‘Come here then, mister,’ said Ed. ‘Let’s rescue Auntie Heather from the clutches of the drool monster.’

  ‘I’m happy to be drooled on any time.’

  Ed laughed. ‘I’ll remember that. So, did you have a good time the other night?’

  Heather looked puzzled. ‘What other night?’

  Ed frowned. ‘That Friday a week or so ago – you were out with Gemma? Or was it such a big night that you completely forgot?’

  Heather shook her head. ‘No, that wasn’t me. Gem and I haven’t been out for ages.’

  ‘Oh,’ said Ed, his frown deepening slightly. ‘I must have got it wrong – I was sure Gemma said she was out in town with you. She took to her bed for most of the weekend so I assumed it was a post-girls’ night out hangover. Maybe I got it wrong.’

  ‘Yes, maybe,’ said Heather, feeling a knot of unease start to curl in her stomach.

  It was a beautiful service despite the storm raging outside the church. Freddy was an absolute angel and a total crowd-pleaser as he giggled his way through the whole thing.

  ‘I’ve never had a baby do that before,’ said the vicar, impressed.

  Freddy only started to cry during the photographs afterwards. Marian was organizing them into groups. ‘Right, so, Luke, you hold Freddy for this one,’ she insisted.

  ‘Erm, okay,’ said Luke, accepting him from Ed’s arms.

  ‘Just let him perch on your arm, mate,’ advised Ed, noticing Luke’s nervous face. ‘He went through a funny phase a month or so ago but he’s pretty happy with anyone now.’

  ‘Great,’ said Luke, his shoulders stiffening. Freddy stared at Luke, looking deep into his eyes. His face went from one of joy to suspicion. Heather experienced an odd feeling of déjà vu as his expression dropped and he let out an anguished cry.

  ‘What did you do?’ demanded Heather.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ snapped Luke. ‘I’ve told you before – I’m not good with babies.’

  ‘He’s probably tired,’ said Gemma, reaching over and practically snatching Freddy from Luke. ‘It’s been a busy morning. Mum, can we go? Freddy’s had enough and we can do more photos later.’

  ‘Okay, darling.’ Marian smiled. ‘Let’s go back to the house and celebrate!’

  Luke was silent in the car on the way over to Gemma’s. ‘Is everything all right?’ Heather asked.

  He nodded. ‘I’m fine. Sorry. I’m just not feeling great.’

  Heather felt a twist of guilt. ‘Why don’t we show our faces for an hour or so and then go home?’

  ‘Are you sure? I don’t want to ruin your day.’

  ‘No, it’s fine,’ she said, even though deep down she was getting the feeling that it wasn’t.

  Gemma’s mother had laid on a fantastic spread. Everyone said so. ‘Why don’t you get some food?’ Heather told Luke. ‘It might make you feel better.’

  He nodded. ‘Do you want anything?’

  She shook her head. ‘I’m okay at the moment, thanks. I’m going to catch up with Gem – I’ve hardly seen her today.’ She made her way up the stairs to where Gemma was putting Freddy down for a nap. She paused and smiled at the sight of the happy clown faces which decorated the wooden letters spelling ‘Freddy’ on the door. Heather peeked through a gap, stopping in her tracks as she saw baby and mother gazing at one another. It was a look of pure, unadulterated love, as if they were the only two people in the world. Then Gemma leant down and blew a raspberry on his tummy. Freddy gurgled with joyful laughter.

  Heather chuckled and Gemma looked round. ‘Oh hey, Heth. Are you okay?’

  Heather walked into the nursery. It was painted bright yellow and the walls were decorated with jungle animal stickers – elephants squirting water, monkeys eating bananas. The room had a sweet, unfamiliar smell to it overlaid with a whiff of baby poo and nappy cream. ‘I’m fine. How are you?’

  Gemma sighed. ‘I’ll be okay once I’ve got his lordship down for a nap and I’m nursing a large glass of wine.’

  Heather nodded. ‘Come on then, let’s go and have a drink together. It feels like ages since we’ve done that.’ She looked at her cousin feeling that twist of unease again. ‘So Ed said something funny.’

  ‘Oh yes? Doesn’t sound like him – he’s been severely lacking a sense of humour lately to be honest,’ said Gemma, reaching down to stroke Freddy’s cheek. Heather looked at her in surprise. Gemma shrugged. ‘Sorry, we’re both just tired and it’s not all shits an
d giggles sometimes. Ignore me.’ She turned on the baby monitor and followed Heather out of the room. ‘What were you saying?’

  Heather looked into Gemma’s eyes, wanting to gauge her reaction as she spoke. ‘So Ed thought you were out on the town with me the other night.’

  Gemma stared at her for as second, her eyes narrowing as if deliberating how to answer. ‘Oh I know what that was,’ she said slowly, looking past Heather. ‘I was out with the post-natal mums – bit of a big one as it goes, mothers released into the wild,’ she joked, flicking her gaze back to her cousin. ‘That’s Ed not listening as per usual. He’s getting quite good at that as it happens,’ added Gemma bitterly.

  Heather studied her face for a second. The knot of unease loosened a fraction as she felt a surge of sympathy. ‘Is everything okay?’ she asked.

  Gemma’s expression was pained. She opened her mouth as if she wanted to tell her something.

  ‘Gemma! Where are you? The guests are waiting,’ called Marian from the bottom of the stairs.

  Gemma grimaced. ‘Sorry, Heth. Duty calls. I’ll catch up with you in a bit, okay?’ she said, trudging down the stairs and disappearing into the living room.

  ‘Okay.’ Heather nodded, sensing that all was not well. She made her way to the kitchen, helping herself to a glass of juice. Something was telling her that she needed to keep a clear head today. A group of noisy, friendly women had taken up residence and looked as if they were making it their mission to drink all the wine in the house.

  ‘We’re the post-natal mums,’ announced one of them with a smile.

  ‘I’m Heather – Gemma’s cousin,’ said Heather.

  ‘Oh, we’ve heard a lot about you – apparently you’re Freddy’s favourite.’ The woman grinned. Heather smiled. ‘I’m Claire by the way. And that’s Maddy and Ali.’