Romancing the Paranormal

by Stephanie Rowe

  “Sweet baby Jesus! It’s…a goat! It’s Jay Spot!”

  “What? Gertie! Are you all right?”

  “Yeah. I’m fine. Jay Spot escaped from the shed somehow. He must have busted through a window and ran in here looking for me.” I watched the goat rub his nose around on the bed. “I better get him out of here before he eats my pillow.” I grabbed him by the collar and held him close to me.

  “I’ll call again tomorrow night. Are you sure that goat isn’t going to cause any problems? Maybe you ought to tie him up outside.”

  I looked at the goat’s brass nameplate one more time. “That’s odd. There’s some sort of writing on the other side of his tag. Scribbling actually.” I took off the goat’s collar. “I’ll have to see if I can make some sense out of this sometime.”

  “Let me know what you find out. I’m curious, too. I better get going, Gertie.

  “Call me…” The line went dead. Jay Spot stood there. I watched his closed mouth roll as he gnawed on the telephone wire. “Bad goat! You just ended my call.” I grabbed one of Jay Spot’s ears and led him back out to the shed. This time I made sure to use the padlock to secure the door. I hung a blanket over my busted window and headed up to my bedroom.

  I double checked my calendar. I realized I had a doctor’s appointment in the morning. I had one of those all too common moments of brief confusion when I noticed I had written down the same doctor’s name for an appointment on the same day but it was hours apart. I knew I couldn’t go wrong by making it to the earlier one and disregard the second. I’d have to deal with the goat and the broken window when I got home.

  As I drifted off to sleep, I heard someone whistling the most relaxing melody. “Randy, working late on something again.” I whispered in a sleepy voice to Darcy.

  Chapter Three

  Booby Hatch Bound

  The little wisps of pink and orange smoke drifted away and I quickly assessed my new surroundings. I was standing in a hallway of a very professional looking office building. I had expected my destination to have more of a hospital feel than a typical corporate corridor. “Doesn’t look like any clinic I’ve seen before.” I tucked my miniature broom into my tote and smiled when I noticed Darcy’s little black paw sweep it under her little blanket of long black fur. The small sign on the door was clear enough. “This must be the place, Darcy.”

  Dr. M. Schmidt

  A shiny, brass colored elevator door on one side of the hallway provided a perfect mirror. I took off my large floppy beach hat and arranged my long straight hair. I noticed I was due to get it cut soon, the reddish strands hung below my shoulders. Speaking of reddish hair, my friend Leigh said my hair was strawberry blonde. I beg to differ, because strawberries are bright red, fire engine red. I just can’t picture any hair naturally in that color red, blonde or otherwise. I straightened out my yellow sun dress. “Good enough.” A muffled cat noise agreed. I knocked lightly on the half opened door and peeked inside the very professional looking office of my new doctor. The room was trimmed in dark cherry wood and the walls had several full bookcases. There were two large brown leather chairs and a cluttered mahogany desk, but no examination table, no bright lights, nothing at all that hinted at a doctor’s office. “This can’t be right. Can it?” I whispered to my hidden cat. “Dr. Schmidt?” I called out.

  A tall, attractive woman in a red dress stepped forward and opened the door. “Please come in. You must be Miss O’Leary.”

  I took a confident step through the doorway. “Whew! Glad I got to the right spot.”

  I’m going to stop my story here for just a minute. I want to explain something about broom travel. Let me tell you, getting to the right place is something you never take for granted when traveling by magic broom. People seem to think it’s as easy as that popular movie where those kids hop on an old broom and zoom around. Who in their right mind would want to rocket around with a splintery old stick grinding against their crotch? And exposed to the elements like that? No, the witch’s broom is a conveniently tiny, handheld, magical device that allows us to go anywhere in an instant. It was explained to me that it works with one part science, one part magic, and one part good luck. You have to know the spell and you only get to recite it once before you get whisked away. I can’t even begin to count the number of times I ended up in some pretty sticky messes.

  “Hi, Doctor Schmidt! It’s nice to meet you. Yep, I’m Gertie O’Leary. Just call me Gertie.” Out of pure instinct, my arms fanned out and I lunged forward to give her a hug. The beautiful woman before me took two quick steps backwards and avoided my embrace. I was suddenly a bird falling from the nest. My arms flailed helplessly, grasping the empty space before me, and I landed face first on the floor. “Oof!” I squawked. “That was a bit awkward.” Thankfully my shoulder bag had swung behind me. “I nearly squashed my puss.”

  “Your puss?”

  “Yeah. Wanna see her? I call her Darcy. She’s sweet. She’s a long-hair, just in case you have allergies.”

  “No. No, that’s quite all right.”

  Not only was that office unlike any other doctor’s office, Doctor Schmidt seemed more unusual than I expected. She stared at me like I was two headed platypus squirming on the floor. She wrote something down in her notebook. Her serious tone seemed more awkward than my embarrassing entrance so I joked a little. “Now for my next trick, I’m going to do a handstand and whistle Yankee Doodle.” I paused and waited for something from her…anything. Nothing. “Just kidding, Doctor Schmidt.”

  She looked down at me through her cat-eye glasses and jotted down something more. Finally, she spoke. “Please, take a seat and tell me a little about yourself. Excuse me for a second.” Matilda took a drink of water from a glass.

  I looked around for an exam table, but all I saw was a large comfortable leather chair with a footrest. “Oh, of course. Here?” I pointed to the chair. “Should I undress now? Panties on or off?” Just then Doctor Schmidt must have swallowed a bug because she coughed and sprayed out her drink on her notebook.

  “Ah, no. Please keep your clothes on, but your compulsion to strip may be something we’ll be talking about at some point.”

  I made myself comfortable in a big overstuffed leather chair. “All right. About myself. Let’s see. My name is Gertie O’Leary. You already know that of course. I’m a witch, but you probably already know that, too. My mentor, Marie Laveau, she’s the Voodoo queen of Louisiana, well, she said I needed to see a doctor before I got sent to someplace called The Funny Farm. Which, by the way, sounds like it would be a grand place for a holiday. A nice vacation aside, Marie did say I always manage to find a way to screw up. This all came up because two people that call themselves Animal Control came out to my Pussy Plantation…”

  “Pussy Plantation?”

  “I mean my Cat Plantation. Sorry about that. I forget that words have changed meanings over the century. Anyway, these people said I have too many animals and that I was running an unlicensed animal shelter. Some strong words about my cats were exchanged and one thing led to another. I sort of accidentally changed those people into squirrels. But I’m about ninety-nine percent certain that it’s only temporary. Still, Marie is a little worried that I sometimes act impulsively, but what she calls being impulsive, I call being passionate. Well anyway, she goes ahead and says she’d make an appointment. And I tell her, well, that’s perfect for me. I’ve been needing to get into a doctor soon and I’ve already called around and got a doctor’s appointment. The very next day I get a call saying I have this appointment. A bit confusing but at least I got in here.”

  “So, if I understand correctly, you were having a crisis around the holidays. Some of the people in your life said you needed professional help and you also felt that you needed it.”

  “You could say that. You see, I had a bit of a scare last month. I thought I might have gotten myself pregnant. Well, not that I could get myself pregnant, you know. My boyfriend would be doin’ the impregnating and I would be th
e one gettin’ pregnant. But I’m not and I’m nowhere ready to have a bun in the coven. So here I am.” I paused to see if the doctor had any questions and I admit I cautiously waited for her to shrivel up into a toy doll sized woman. “Say, will you be doing any shrinking today? Just curious.”

  “Excuse me? Shrinking?”

  “Marie said you were a shrink. A paranormal shrink. I’ve met all sorts of paranormal folks, but never a shrink.” Matilda gave me quite a nasty look. It was like I just called her a cocaine snorting prostitute, but I swear I had no idea that what I said was anything derogatory. Since she seemed to take offense to the name, I quickly dropped the subject and continued on. “Right. Back to all about me. I’m twenty-five years old, but I was born in 1850. The fact is, I’ve spent most of those years since 1850 frozen. Frozen as punishment for a couple of magical mishaps I’ve had, like burning down Chicago and sinking the RMS Titanic. In all reality, this is my twenty-fifth living, breathing, and thawed out year. And let me tell you, I intend to make it my best yet.”

  Matilda scribbled down even more information. “Interesting. Go on.”

  “Just so you know, it’ll be pretty tough to beat last year. I met my best friend and fellow witch, Leigh Epstein and all of her friends. In fact, they’re all more than just friends. They’re my only family. And having a family is something I’ve always hoped for. You see, I’ve been an orphan for as long as I can remember, and that’s a hell of a long time if you were born in 1850 like me. The icing on the cake was that I also fell head over heels in love with Brad. Brad is just everything to me. He’s funny and sweet, and he looks like he could have been used as a model for a statue of a Greek god, well, without the silly fig leaf covering up his big fat, sorry, I mean his personal parts. I’m getting excited just thinking…”

  “Let’s try to focus on your early years, Gertie.”

  “Oh sure. Well, like I said. I was born in Ireland, an only child and my parents died in the cholera epidemic soon after coming to Chicago. I don’t remember them at all. I was just a wee babe when I was taken in by the Irish Sisters of Mercy Orphan Asylum. It was all right there I suppose, considering the times. We had some school work, I washed a lot, and mostly I was trained to be a seamstress. I still am good at being a seamstress and now that I’m a witch, I could create some incredible outfits for you if you need anything.”

  “When did you discover that you were a witch?”

  “I’ve been a witch now since I was seventeen years old. The way it works, Doctor, you don’t discover witchcraft. It has to discover you. My puss, Darcy, took me to an old book. A witch’s book of spells. It turns out that old book was a grimoire written hundreds of years ago and by possessing it, I gained the powers it had in it. Mostly, I have powers that can change animals into those so-called mythical creatures you’ve heard about. Like making a salamander into a dragon or dogs into almost anything. There’s no end to what you can come up with I guess.” I opened my tote bag and lifted Darcy out into my lap. “This is Darcy’s first trip off the plantation since we’ve moved in. She’s not much of a traveler, but I figured she could use an outing today.”

  While I stroked her long black fur, I explained why it is so important for a witch and a cat to become partners. “It was all because of Darcy, it turned out she is a witch cat. Every witch has one. Sometimes, as in my case, the cat will find the witch and lead them to the source of magic. Other times the witch finds the magic source and the cat follows. They can help with spells or help us locate things. Most importantly they deliver messages between witches. Darcy here must have known how I feel about animals, especially cats. I love them and I feel like it is my purpose to take care of them. That’s why I bought that old plantation in Louisiana. I wanted to create a safe place for stray cats. Eventually, more and more animals came and then I started finding homes for them by turning some of them into special pets for my fellow witches and other paranormal people. It’s become a fulltime paranormal pet shop for Randy and me.”

  “Randy? Is he your boyfriend?”

  “Oh no. We live together and he’s my partner. My boyfriend’s name is Brad.”

  “Very interesting.” She scribbled away and said, “Three.” And ended her note with an apparently decisive punctuation with the way she drove the last mark down with a smack of her pen. “And this triad…this arrangement, it works well?” Doctor Schmidt seemed to have a sly smile for some reason as she jotted down more notes. I’m not sure what she wrote, but I could make out polyamorous. I made a mental note to look that up later.

  “It works fine. Would you be interested in adopting a special pet, Doctor Schmidt? Perhaps a unicorn?”

  “Thank you for offering, Gertie. But I really don’t have the space for one. Maybe some other time?” Doctor Schmidt looked at her watch. “Well, Gertie, it appears we’ve already used up all of our time this morning. You have quite a complex background and to be honest, it’s a bit hard to keep everything straight. I’d like you to start keeping a journal. Perhaps a diary. I would like to see it the next time we meet.”

  I was a bit puzzled. “Oh. That’s it? Then you wouldn’t want to at least take a peek at my undercarriage or give my boobs a squeeze?”

  “No. That’s quite all right, but thanks for the offer, Gertie. Is there anything else you’d like to talk about before you go?”

  “Well, no. I suppose I really should be getting back home. I need to give my Jay Spot a bit of attention.”

  “Your…Jay Spot. Of course, wouldn’t want to neglect that, would we.”

  “Oh, Doctor, the main reason I’m here is because I was told I would be getting a prescription…for you know, those pills. I don’t want another brush with a nervous breakdown like I nearly had last month.”

  “I suppose I can do that.” Doctor Schmidt wrote some incoherent chicken scratch on a small pad of blue stationary. She peeled off the top sheet and handed it to me with her instructions. “Only take one pill when you really think you need it. I think you’ll know when that feeling is coming over you. Again, one pill and it will be enough. Then just relax. You can take this down to the pharmacy on the first floor and they will fill it for you. Nice meeting you, Gertie.”

  “Thanks, Doctor. And it’s been a pleasure to meet you, too.” This time she wasn’t getting away so easily. I caught her in my arms and gave her a good hug.

  Once I picked up my bottle of little pills, Darcy and I flashed back home. It never fails. Once you get home from some sort of appointment, you can suddenly think of a dozen questions you should have asked but didn’t. “Amazing that one little pill can keep you from getting pregnant. What about that smear thing that Leigh told me I needed? What was that again? Pop smear? Oh, I suppose I’ll be going back to see her again anyway.”

  Chapter Four

  Meet Randy Johnson

  “Gertie?” The familiar clear and light voice calling my name could only be one person, Randy.

  I should probably explain a little bit about Randy. That is if it is possible to explain Randy Franchetti, also known as Randy Johnson. When I first met him, he was introduced to me as Randy Johnson and the name just stuck with me. I didn’t find out until later that he earned that as a nickname after someone found his cellphone and it was loaded up with pictures of his large throbbing erection, what he called his Randy Johnson.

  It may seem a bit odd, but Randy lives with me at the plantation. He’s also my business partner and my friend Kelly’s brother. We live together but we’re only friends. It’s not because he isn’t a very attractive man, because he is. He’s sort of tall with an average build, light complexion, and meticulously groomed black hair, which is a bit on the long side. He’s a sharp dresser and the perfect person to have along when I go shopping for shoes or to suggest what colors would look good together.

  After he stopped in here with my other friends last year, he was so excited about the possibilities for this plantation he nearly hyperventilated. Actually, he may have. In any case, I asked him to jo
in me and see what he could come up with. Besides helping me out with the pet shop, he’s been working at making this place into a bed and breakfast for our fellow paranormals. I’ve also appreciated his help with catching up on modern slang.

  He sounds like he’d make a pretty good boyfriend, now that I think about it. The only thing is that Randy is gay, or as he calls himself, my cliché gay friend. He’s also a witch in training.

  “Gerrrr-teeeee…Hey!” Randy interrupted my thoughts.

  “Yep. I’m upstairs.”

  Rapid thumping told me that Randy had quickly ascended the large open stairs. His head poked in through my bedroom doorway. “Good. You’re back. I found out something today that I know you’ll be excited to hear.”

  I patted my hand on the mattress. “Well, get over here and tell me. What is it?”

  “Let me ask you this, Gertie. How happy would you be if your boyfriend could move down here from Chicago?”

  “Beyond happy. You know that. There are only two problems. He’s a fireman and it’s not as if we live in a city that hires brigades of firemen. Even if there was a job for him, I’m not going to beg him to move here. I’d be asking him to leave his hometown, his family…what if he regrets it? Even a little? No. I’d rather just wait and see if he makes that move on his own.”

  “Aw that’s bullshit and you know it.”

  “Excuse me? I think it’s perfectly sensible.”

  “The job, I can understand. But on your second reason, I’m throwing the bullshit flag. And another thing, when the hell did Gertie O’Leary suddenly become perfectly sensible?” Randy stood up and walked over to the window and pointed down to the marshy pond in the back yard. “You’ve got a pond full of manatees that you impulsively stole—”

  “Rescued! I rescued them from that God forsaken, cruel Venezuelan marine life park.”