Romancing the Paranormal

by Stephanie Rowe

  Esmeralda noticed something first. “About time. This is pretty basic stuff. I thought she’d never get it opened.”

  I took a closer look and noticed a small glimmer of green and blue. Then it spread through the entire archway.

  Marie beckoned me with the end of the wooden staff she had brought along. “Gertie, take the dragon. Wanda will be waiting. Then the rest of us will be right behind you. Max and Millie will stay here, maintaining the portal. And the first one to use some damn cliché about taking the highway to hell, or following me to the gates of hell, or anything, anything at all about a hand-basket, I swear I’ll knock their ass up around their eyeballs.”

  Brad took my hand. I could tell from his grip that he would never let go. “Hold on, Gertie. We’ll go together.” Olaf wiggled his snout over our shoulders. With an encouraging snort, we were nudged through the portal.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Journey to a Temple

  The beam from Brad’s flashlight darted from place to place, making the snowflakes look like a million tiny falling stars. “Snow. Nothing but snow.”

  Randy, Esmeralda, and Marie joined us and we instinctively huddled close to Marie, our leader. “Stay together. Brad, you can save your flashlight, I’ve got something better.” After tapping the bottom of her staff on the ground three times, an intense bluish light blazed to the top of it. The light emanated in all directions, flooding our surroundings for hundreds of yards.

  “See. Now that’s a handy trick.” Randy commented.

  “Wanda? Waandaa!” I called out.

  “It’s me! Follow my tracks!” Wanda screeched through the snowy air from someplace downslope.

  We looked at the growing field of snow around us. “Well, that’s not happening. Any tracks are already buried in snow.” Brad pointed out.

  Olaf’s nose plowed through the snow, snorting for Wanda’s scent. He picked up Wanda’s trail and we followed him.

  “Oh, we’re going down a slippery slope now.” Randy snickered.

  The path ahead was indeed a downward slope, and large jagged rocks protruded from the glistening surface. “Are we on a mountain?” I asked. I looked back at the portal twinkling in the distance. “It’s going to be tough climb back up.”

  Marie raised her glowing staff when she found Wanda. “There she is.”

  “And she’s not alone.” Esmeralda added.

  “So, who’s that with her?” Brad nodded toward a tall, heavy man with long red hair. “Let’s get over there and check him out. I don’t like surprises like this.”

  When we finally reached Wanda, I stared at her companion. This man had a large beard, a monstrous, furry thing that one might confuse for an adolescent orangutan. A very frightened orangutan that clung to the man’s face. He towered over us. Brad is a big guy at six feet and about four inches tall and around two-hundred-fifty pounds. This Goliath was at least a full foot taller and well over three hundred pounds. The Viking carried a round wooden shield. It was painted white with three Norse runes marked in blue. An iron broadax added a menacing touch to the ensemble.

  Wanda threw her palms up. “I have no idea. He hasn’t said a word. Right after I went through the portal, I walked ahead for a couple of minutes. When I turned around, he was following me. Scared the daylights out of me, but he seems completely harmless. I do know one thing, he’s a Viking. Look at how he’s dressed.”

  Marie circled the man. “You’re exactly right, Wanda. And that Viking outfit he’s wearing sure beats the one Svippy stole from the Mardi Gras storage. No purple plumed pot top for this guy. And he’s got more leather on him than a small herd of cattle.” She touched his hair, smiled, and nodded approvingly.

  Esmeralda whispered to me. “It’s as if she’s admiring him. It’s odd. I’m suspicious of that man. Why is he here?”

  “Lucky guy, no spandex for him.” Brad shook his head and scratched his waistline. “That crap leaves a nice reminder. I think I’m developing a rash.”

  “I guess it’s called a memory fabric for more than one reason.” Randy chided him. “Can we move along? It’s damn cold out here.”

  “Colder than a witch’s tit in a brass bra.” Brad barely got the words out of his mouth before Esmeralda nailed him in the face with a snowball. “Present company excluded.” Melting snow sputtered from his mouth.

  “Let’s move, kids.” Wanda chuckled as she walked downhill. Marie and the Viking were right behind her. Olaf knelt down and I welcomed the gesture by climbing onto his back. Brad declined the dragon’s offer and Randy hesitated, but only for a few seconds before he hopped over Olaf’s haunches. Randy made himself comfortable behind me.

  “This is definitely a mountain slope. We’ve been going downhill forever.” I mentioned to Randy.

  “The portal is barely visible now.” Brad added.

  “Look! Up ahead. It looks like a church. I’ve seen this kind before. A Norwegian stave church.” Esmeralda pointed out the ornately crafted wooden building that was now being illuminated by Marie’s magical torch. The place had four levels of sharply pitched roofs, each level smaller than the one below it, creating a pyramid-like silhouette. The uppermost and smallest roof structure formed a central spire that was pointed skywards like a church steeple. Intricately carved beams provided support. The ends of each beam jutted outward from the building in order to display painstakingly carved dragon heads on every beam.

  “Similar, yes. But this is a Norse pagan temple.” Wanda explained.

  It seemed like the temple sensed our approach. Long torches extended out from each level and were simultaneously lit in a fiery show. Olaf became agitated. His neck swayed from side to side and he started to walk in a zig-zag pattern.

  Brad stopped and asked Marie, “So what’s the plan? How do you think we should handle this? Go inside or wait to see what happens?”

  “Or just keep going…I think,” Randy whispered in my ear.

  Wanda answered. “I think we should go in together. All of us. Maybe Groa is in there. What do you say, Marie?”

  “I agree. There’s strength in numbers. Let’s pay a visit,” Marie replied and we continued toward the temple.

  “Duh…Maybe Groa is in there. Duh. Let’s go into her trap.” Randy mocked her in a thick-tongued ‘talking stupid’ voice.

  “Randy, be nice.” I scolded him.

  “Seriously, don’t you people ever watch movies? If we go in there, it’ll be like flies landing on a spider web. We’ll be trapped.”

  “Someone remind me to knock his teeth out later.” Marie snarled.

  Olaf slowed down and trailed far behind the others. Brad stayed alongside us. When Marie, Wanda, and the Viking went to the huge wooden door, Esmeralda doubled back. “I think I’ll stay back here and observe.”

  Marie tapped the end of her staff on the door. “Trick or treat, bitch.”

  Olaf snorted and took a few steps back. He cocked his head left and then right. “Olaf hears something. Listen.” A slow, steady rhythm of very heavy footsteps grew louder as someone approached the door. I patted his neck. “It’s okay, boy. Just relax.”

  The door opened. Marie waved her staff over the threshold. Nobody was there. She didn’t need to ask us to follow her when she walked in. There was no doubt that we would never leave her to go in alone.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Into the Lair

  Randy and I dismounted and joined the others already inside. I couldn’t help but think of the time it took for someone to have carved so much wood. The craftsmanship was truly remarkable and beautiful. While I was busy admiring the stave temple, Marie’s torch flashed on and off and then died. Torches on the walls provided light, but it was dim and unsteady.

  Marie shook her staff. “I expected as much. Our magic will not work in here. From here on, it will all come down to using our wits.”

  “That’s some bad luck. We’re completely unprepared for that sort of thing.” I commented.

  Wisps of black fog snaked out from t
he recesses where the flickering torchlight couldn’t reach. “Wha—what is that?” Randy’s voice shook and he danced around, trying to avoid the vapor. The ancient oak doors slammed shut. Each side had half of a dragon carved into it. When the doors closed, an ominous warning was completed, the image of a dragon with a man trapped in its jaws.

  “Come! Come to me!” A woman’s voice. Centuries of a cold, silent existence left the voice ragged, dry, and forlorn. “You have no choice. Come.”

  Marie led us down a dark corridor and torches lit by themselves to show us the way as we moved into the belly of the temple. Another set of doors opened. It was an entirely different sort of room. I recognized its purpose from descriptions I had read in a hundred different stories. This was a great hall of ancient times. The place where the noble would feast, plan, and dispense justice. It was complete with a long banquet table. The table was set, but the chairs were empty, save one.

  An old woman sat at the head of the table. And she was not happy to see us. Her dark eyes squinted under her furrowed brow and that gaze was unforgettably powerful. Every hope I had about reasoning with the old witch quickly evaporated. This was no feeble old grandmother. This woman was a giantess. She wore a blue robe trimmed in sable and ermine. Her pale skin appeared strange to me. It was smooth and tight. It shined, like scar tissue. Long braids of pure white hair intertwined and fell down over her left shoulder to some unseen place under the table.

  “Who are you people? I expected Svipdagr to arrive with his new bride. Svipdagr, come forward and show me this body you have possessed.” Her head moved slightly as she tried to get a better look at her guests.

  Brad looked at me and then at Marie. He gave a tiny shoulder shrug and gave us his here-goes-nothing look.

  “Here I am, Mother. I’ve brought the woman that will be my bride. But you’ve cursed her with the very ring I will use to marry her. Please, take it out and remove the curse so we can marry.”

  I was really impressed by his improvisational performance. And the Academy Award for best actor goes to Brad! Yay!

  “Oh, really? You’re finally willing to get married? Bring me this woman so I can see what sort of wench could enchant my son.” The woman rose from her chair, picked up what appeared to be a long ivory sword with a golden handle. When she made her way around the end of the table, Brad turned his head back, winked, and gave me a quick thumbs-up sign. I took that as my signal to step forward from the shadows. The rest of our party remained hidden.

  When she approached, I could see that it wasn’t a sword in her hand but a spiraled tusk of a narwhal. This unicorn-like horn was nearly five feet long and I knew she used it for a magic wand. “That is a very interesting request. No. I will not grant your wish. Instead, I will use you as sacrificial offerings.”

  “What? What the hell are you saying? We came all the way out here, what else did you expect?” Brad barked at the witch.

  “I expect not to be lied to.” The witch waved her wand and a cloud grew in the air next to her. On the cloud, a moving image appeared. It was just like a projection screen for magic videos. The cloud showed a Viking involved in vicious hand to hand combat. “That is my son, Svipdagr. I learned that he rejected my summons and returned to Asgard.”

  Randy was visibly wringing his hands. “Damn. Now what?”

  “So you didn’t fall for it. But…before you gloat too hard, you should really welcome the rest of your guests, Groa.” Marie had stepped out of the shadows. “Especially this one.” Our travel companion, the Viking, joined Marie. “You recognize my friend? It’s Erik, your husband.”

  I had no doubt that this old woman was certainly Groa. She shrieked at the sight of Erik and ran back to the other side of the table. “Sorcerer! Erik is dead.”

  “That’s right, Groa. I’m back. You should know. You killed me and cursed me so I couldn’t even go to Valhalla. Yet, here I am. I’ve been freed and now I am going to exact my vengeance on you. If you wish to survive, you’ll grant the wish of those that freed me.”

  “What’s in it for you, Erik? Why should you care about this scrawny, weak little runt?” Groa quizzed him.

  “Hey! I’m right here you know!” My complaint was completely ignored.

  “I’m just repaying a favor,” Erik answered.

  Marie interrupted, “Groa, just so we’re clear on my position. I’m going to up the ante. I’m sure you know the prophecy about the dragon, Nidhogg? He will rip you to shreds if he ever finds you. After all, he’s the dragon that feeds on the corpses of murderers like you. Well…guess who’s here? And he hasn’t had a bite to eat all day.”

  Olaf snorted and huffed, playing his part well. I was proud of the way he confidently walked out of the shadows and let out a roar that would make an African Lion sound like a sickly tabby cat.

  “One would think I should fear that dragon. One would think.” It was obvious that Groa regained her composure. She paced and tapped her narwhal horn wand against her open palm. “But one thing about legendary prophecies, they sure give you a lot of notice. I’ve had centuries to come up with several spells to defeat a menacing dragon. And now that I think about it, Erik, I’ve kicked your ass through the nine realms once, I’m pretty sure I can do it again.” Tap, tap, tap went the narwhal tusk wand.

  Everyone, including Groa, became paralyzed at a strange sound blaring out in the distance. A strange, deep plucking sound. It was like strange music. “Sorcerer! What is that sound? What pestilence are you bringing here now?”

  I could tell that Marie was as clueless about the noise as the rest of us, but she maintained a defiant air of confidence. Whatever it was, Marie was going to use it to our advantage. “Why don’t you put it up on your magical projector? Then you’ll see what other surprises are in store, unless you take that ring out.”

  Groa waved her wand and the cloud-screen reappeared. We all got a look at what was happening on the snowy slope outside, but none of us expected to see what was racing down the mountain toward us.

  Chapter Twenty

  Going Berserk

  “Holy shit. Holy shit!” Brad’s vocabulary was apparently reduced to those two words.

  “Hold on. Let me back it up to the beginning.” Groa fiddled with her wand to find the rewind setting. “There.”

  I walked up to the image to get a closer look and listened to the music that was blaring. It was a beautiful rosy sunrise over the majestic mountain peaks. “It looks so beautiful out there, Groa. You really should have more windows in this place. I mean, look at it. I think this is what they mean when I hear people talking about a million dollar view.”

  “Thank you. Let me zoom in.” Groa adjusted the image. “I can see your portal up there.”

  “Oh sure. I see it now. What is so—” I cut myself off when I saw it. “It’s the Viking long-ship parade float that Svippy jacked from the Gay Mardi Gras warehouse!” The float shot through the portal and was careening down the slope at breakneck speed. In a surreal display of gay pride, the rainbow sail flapped wildly from the jostling mast. The ship went briefly airborne each time it hit a snow drift.

  The bizarre bobsled run came with its own sound track. Esmeralda’s face crinkled like she had just chewed up a habanero pepper. “No! Stop the hurt!”

  I picked up on the jazzy bass guitar and bouncy beat. “I know that song! Remember that song, Brad? Max and Millie were dancing to it at Leigh’s Christmas party and we joined in.” My feet were way ahead of me. I started to dance.

  Brad nodded. “Oh sure. That’s it. A real oldie from the 70s. Sounds like a Spanish romance ballad. One of those earworms you hate to love.” Brad probably didn’t realize his body was picking up the beat. “What’s the name of it?”

  “Ugh. Little Green Bag. The original version.” Randy sounded like he had just apologized to himself for admitting he knew the song. “Fine. I’m embarrassed to say I like to dance to it, too.”

  We bounced in front of the magic video cloud. “It is a parade float. So it must
have a kickass sound system.” Brad pointed out. “Wow, it’s almost perfectly choreographed to the way it’s flying downhill.”

  “What is wrong with you people? Talking nonsense, dancing like idiots. You should be trembling in fear!” Groa hissed.

  Esmeralda dismissed Groa’s comment. “That comes from a nasty old beast that lives in a frozen wasteland. And all of this bullshit because you can’t let your little Svippy go off and have a life. You can take your narwhal tusk and shove it up your—” The wild sled grew closer. Esmeralda was indeed shocked enough to drop her sarcastic reprimand. “Oh my God! Look! Look who’s riding in it! Standing on the rail.”

  “I see them.” Wanda replied. “Right next to the dragon head thing sticking out from the bow. It’s Max and Millie. They’re doing the Jack and Rose flying pose from the Titanic movie. The old fools are going to get themselves killed.”

  I noticed some more movement on the deck. “Hey! Wills and Kate are onboard for the ride. I hope they aren’t frightened. What’s that huge green thing that Wills is holding?”

  “That, Gertie, is a bong.” Randy replied.

  Groa was awestruck by the entire scene unfolding before her. “What is this bong magic? A ship that creates strange music as it sails on the mountain! Steered by sorcerers on the front! And berserkers!”

  Marie seized the opportunity. After all, Groa had already dismissed every other threat thrown at her. Marie knew it could be my last chance. “Yes, Groa. Berserkers! Not just any berserkers, mad zombie berserkers under my control. You’re no match for the magic of the great bong, Groa. Take the curse off the young woman and remove the ring. If you don’t, you’ll be torn to bits.”

  “Berserkers?” Marie’s comment caught me completely off guard.

  Brad leaned down and whispered, “Apparently, Groa is afraid of berserkers and she thinks Wills and Kate are of the extremely vicious berserker variety.”