EQMM, September-October 2010

by Dell Magazine Authors

  "I can assure you, Detective, that you will not find Archie within these premises, just as I can assure you he had nothing to do with Ms. Denise Penny's murder."

  Cramer damn near spit nails as he glared at Julius. “If you're hiding him, so help me I'll have you arrested as an accessory after the fact! Where's his bedroom?"

  "Archie doesn't reside here,” Julius said straight-faced, which of course was a lie since Julius each night placed me on top of his dresser. In the past, before he had started dating Lily Rosten, he'd also put me away in his sock drawer whenever he'd have a woman guest staying overnight. Julius's response only made Cramer's face redder, and the detective pushed past Julius without bothering to comment. The other police officers followed Cramer in his search. While these men banged closet doors and stomped along the polished hardwood floors on both the first and second levels of the townhouse, Julius left them alone to make a pot of coffee in his kitchen. The coffee was still brewing when Cramer entered to demand that Julius unlock the door to his cellar.

  "You won't find Archie there,” Julius said with a sigh. “But if you insist, I'll accompany you."

  "Yeah, I think I'll insist."

  Julius unlocked the cellar door and followed Cramer down into his wine cellar. It was quite an impressive collection, one that Julius had spent years building, although it wasn't anything that Cramer seemed to be in the mood to appreciate. After stubbornly checking to make sure there were no hidden passages that I could be hiding in, at least if I were an actual person, he scowled petulantly and under his breath muttered how he preferred beer.

  Julius ignored that remark and instead offered the police detective to join him in the kitchen for a cup of coffee. “If you fill me in on what you have, perhaps I can offer some insights."

  "You can stick your insights, Katz. We've got your assistant dead to rights."

  "I sincerely doubt that. What precisely do you think you have that connects Archie to this murder?"

  "What do we have? Other than that he was dating the victim? Or that he arranged to meet her at eleven o'clock and she's murdered inside her apartment at twenty minutes past eleven? How about that we got an eyewitness, is all that good enough for you?"

  I gave Julius the name of this eyewitness, since it was in the request that was filed for the arrest warrant. I also told him how they knew that I was supposed to meet Denise at eleven since that was also in the same paperwork. They got that from her appointment book.

  Julius showed no indication that I had given him this information. I communicate to Julius through an earpiece he wears that is often mistaken for a small hearing aid, so Cramer was no wiser to this. “Very well, Detective,” Julius said. “I will leave my invitation open in case you later change your mind."

  Cramer didn't bother responding to this. Julius followed him out of the wine cellar and to the front door, where the other police officers had gathered. Before leaving, Cramer turned to warn Julius that if he interfered with his investigation he would see Julius behind bars. He stabbed a thick stubby finger towards Julius's chest, stopping less than an inch away. This was a gesture Julius detested and I knew it must've taken a great deal of restraint on his part not to swat Cramer's finger away.

  "If you know what's good for you, Katz, you better have Smith turn himself in. And don't think you've fooled me for a second with your act! You know damn well where he's hiding!"

  With that Cramer stormed away with the other police officers following. Once they were gone, Julius closed the door and turned the deadbolt, then headed back to the kitchen to pour himself a cup of coffee. One of my many functions is being able to emit frequencies so that I can sweep an area for bugs. When the cops were searching the house I followed them using the many hidden webcams to make sure they weren't planting bugs or otherwise engaged in nefarious activities, but there were times when their hands were hidden from the webcams, and as we passed through each room I checked that it was free of any hidden bugs that might've been left behind, and did the same when Julius brought his coffee into his office. I waited until he was seated and had a few sips of his special blended Italian roast before commenting on Cramer's belligerence.

  "The man's a fool,” Julius stated. “He is so worried that I'm going to pull something on him that he rejects my offer out of hand."

  "Yeah, not a smart move on his part. But give him credit for being perceptive. He knows you're harboring me, which is a felony, I believe."

  "Not now, Archie. Please."

  Julius picked up from his desk a book detailing the life of Archimedes and after settling back into his chair quickly became absorbed in it as if the last half-hour hadn't happened. I waited ten minutes before letting him know that the outdoor webcams had picked up police officers stationed by the front entrance of his townhouse and the alleyway that led to his fenced-in private patio. Julius grunted at the news, which was clearly not a surprise to him. After another ten minutes, in which he appeared to be engrossed in his reading about the ancient Greek mathematician and inventor, I asked him when he was going to start looking for Denise's real killer. Without bothering to put his book down, he told me he wasn't going to.

  "That's the police department's job,” he said. “I'm sure they'll soon realize their eyewitness is lying. Besides, my offer to help was already scoffed at."

  "Yeah, I know, your feelings are hurt. But what if they don't ever realize that about their witness? In that case, if they catch up to me I could be locked away for life! They might even fry me!"

  He didn't bother responding.

  "While I'm a wanted man you're going to have to answer the phone yourself and make your own appointments and purchases. This will be quite an imposition for you.” Still no response. “Of course,” I added, “Archie Smith could always disappear, to be replaced by Stella.” I reprogrammed my voice synthesizer so that my voice would be that of a sultry Southern belle. “Would you like me to answer your phone from now on, darlin'?"

  Julius closed his eyes and made a face. “Archie, please, program your voice back.” Still with his eyes closed, he grimaced painfully as he tried to avoid the inevitable, which was that he was going to have to solve a murder without being paid for it. He knew that he had no choice in the matter. The inconvenience of having his home watched by the police and having to answer and make his own phone calls was bad enough, as was knowing that a murderer could go free because of the police being too busy chasing after a glorified iPhone, but worse was the thought of Lily Rosten coming home to this mess. Julius finally opened his eyes and complained how he had been planning to spend a quiet afternoon at the Belvedere Club sampling cognacs.

  "I'm sorry to interfere with your tasting of fine cognacs,” I said, “but it wasn't as if I was planning to be framed for murder."

  Julius's lips compressed into a look of grim resolve. “Archie, let me see a full transcript of your conversations with the victim,” he said with a reluctant sigh. “Maybe I'll be able to wrap this up quickly."

  I did as he asked and e-mailed him the transcript, which he gave at most a cursory read, his heart still not in it.

  "She certainly seemed insistent on you meeting her at her apartment today,” he said. “But still, why did you agree to do so?"

  "I'm not sure,” I said, which was mostly true, although I felt my processing unit warming up almost as if I were blushing.

  "You must have been afraid she'd break off your relationship if you didn't. The same reason you resisted calling her to explain why you didn't show up as promised. Archie, now that you've also had a chance to reexamine this transcript in its entirety, I'm sure you also understand her motive for calling this office in the first place."

  "Yeah, Denise never had any intention of hiring you,” I said. “She called here to get to me."

  "And for what purpose?"

  "To use me,” I said. “She wanted Julius Katz's assistant at her apartment for whatever scheme she had in the works. But it backfired on her and got her killed."

 
Julius nodded solemnly. “I'm sorry, Archie. The romantically naive are often vulnerable to this sort of treachery. And what do you make of the motives of this eyewitness?"

  The eyewitness was one Rosalind Henke, who lived in the apartment next-door to Denise's. According to the arrest warrant, Henke claimed that she heard a struggle from inside Denise's apartment at twenty past eleven, and when she later looked out of her door's peephole, she saw me fleeing from Denise's apartment.

  "Most likely she's lying,” I said. “It's possible that she saw a man who resembled me, at least closely enough where she'd pick my photo out of a lineup, but that's doubtful.” I hacked into the Massachusetts RMV database and performed a comparison of the photo, weight, and height that I'd used for my license with all other male driver's licenses within the system, and gave Julius the probability of the killer being a registered Massachusetts driver who could've reasonably been mistaken for me, which was less than 0.03 percent.

  "Why would she be lying?"

  "Either she murdered Denise or she's protecting the person who did."

  "Very good, Archie, although there are other possibilities, one in particular which seems most likely."

  Julius didn't bother to explain this other likely possibility. Instead he breathed in slowly and deeply before letting out a pained sigh. The reason for this sigh became apparent when he asked me to call Tom Durkin. Tom is a local private investigator who occasionally does freelance work for Julius, so this meant Julius was planning to incur expenses for an investigation that he wasn't receiving any payment for. I dialed Tom's number and patched him in to Julius as soon as Tom answered, without me uttering a word. It turned out that Tom was available for the assignment Julius had for him. After that, Julius waited for Tom to call him back, and then had me call Rosalind Henke. I did as I was asked and patched him through as the phone was still ringing. A woman's voice answered with a dull, “Hello."

  "Ms. Henke?"

  There was a long pause before she said, “Yeah, okay. Who's this?"

  "Julius Katz. Archie Smith's boss."

  "Yeah, I know about you."

  "Good. This will save time, then. It is three o'clock now. I would strongly suggest that you be at my office at five o'clock this afternoon. Good day."

  Without another word he disconnected the call and picked up his book on Archimedes. I didn't bother arguing with him that maybe he should've tried questioning her when he had her on the phone, or at least waited to see whether she'd agree to meet with him before hanging up on her. At four o'clock he put his book down and ventured into his wine cellar, where he picked out a nice Riesling that the Wine Advocate had recommended due to its subtle pear and tart-apple overtones. Instead of bringing the bottle outdoors, he sat at his desk and leisurely drank two glasses. As relaxed as he appeared, a hardness that settled over his eyes told me he was deep in thought. I asked him whether the wine lived up to its reputation. He nodded but didn't say anything further. When his doorbell rang at ten minutes to five, he put the wine away and waited until five o'clock to answer the door. It surprised me that Julius kept Henke outside his door until five o'clock, and further, didn't have hors d'oeuvres and wine waiting for her in his office. Usually he was quite chivalrous with women. I guess he decided not to extend this courtesy to a potential murderess.

  Rosalind Henke was blond, and had a square-shaped face and a thick jaw. According to her RMV records, she was thirty-eight, five foot seven inches tall, and a hundred and thirty-four pounds, although she looked older and heavier to me. While not beautiful, at least not by the standards I had to measure her by, she probably would've been considered attractive if it weren't for her pinched expression and the smallness of her eyes. According to her last tax return, she worked as a bartender, and I was guessing this was either her day off or she worked a late shift. I studied her hands. They appeared strong; more than strong enough to have bludgeoned Denise Penny with a piece of iron pipe, as had been done.

  Julius gestured for her to follow him and then to take a seat across from his desk. They sat engaged for a minute in a silent staring contest before Julius told her that she was lying to the police.

  "You got a lot of nerve saying that to me,” she said in the same dull voice she had used over the phone. “I told them only what I saw."

  "Please,” Julius said, “don't waste my time with such sophistry. I know you did not see Archie Smith as you claim."

  "Then how was I able to pick him out of a photo lineup?"

  "You stated to the police that you entered Ms. Penny's apartment to check on her after first hearing suspicious noises next-door and then seeing a man flee. I would guess that when you entered Ms. Penny's apartment you used the opportunity to look through her e-mail. You found out that she was planning to meet Archie, as well as finding pictures of him."

  "That's a lie."

  This was said in the same dull monotone as everything else she had said, but when she said it I was able to figure out her “tell,” and I was sure Julius picked it up also since he was far better at spotting a person's “tell” than I was. With Henke, it wasn't her eyes, but the way her mouth tightened for a split second. That's what gave her away.

  "Ms. Henke, we both know what's really going on here. You're engaged in a very dangerous game right now, and I would strongly advise you to tell me the truth."

  She sat silent for another minute, her eyes shrinking to little more than black dots. Finally she said in that same monotone that she wasn't afraid of Julius.

  "That's a pity,” Julius said.

  "I'm done here,” she told him, and with that she got out of her chair and left his office. Julius didn't bother escorting her to his front door, but I followed her using the hidden indoor webcams to make sure she didn't steal anything or cause any other mischief. That wasn't an issue. She made a beeline out of the townhouse, as if she couldn't get out of there fast enough. Once the front door closed behind her, I told Julius that he had accomplished a lot.

  "Very good,” I remarked. “Not much different from your phone conversation with her, the way you chased her out of here without asking her any pertinent questions."

  "I accomplished exactly what I wanted to, Archie."

  I didn't believe that for a second, but there was no use arguing with him unless I wanted to find myself being turned off. This whole business of having his home invaded and searched by the police, and then having to not only solve a crime for free but incur expenses while doing so had left him in a surly mood, and that clearly affected his behavior with Rosalind Henke. I didn't say another word to Julius, not then, and not while he pounded chicken breasts so he could prepare his version of chicken cordon bleu, which had him using pancetta instead of ham, nor later when he spent the rest of the evening reading. Instead I tried to research Rosalind Henke and build computer simulations that could explain her murdering Denise Penny, but nothing I came up with seemed plausible.

  The next morning, it was business as usual with Julius sticking to his regular routines, even with the newspapers declaring on their front pages that I was a wanted murderer. Lily Rosten called at ten o'clock after seeing a New York station run the story. She was the only person other than Julius who knew what I was, and he assured her he'd have the real murderer identified by the end of the day. At ten-thirty, Tom Durkin called to tell Julius that his target had given him the slip.

  "I'm sorry, Julius,” he said. “I don't think she made me, but that didn't stop her from taking a quick illegal left on Mass Ave. When I tried following, Cambridge's finest pulled me over for a ticket. By the time they were done with me, she was gone."

  "Did the target use a pay phone while you were watching her?"

  "Yeah, twice. Once last night, again early this morning. Again, sorry about losing her."

  "Tom, she has an innate craftiness about her. It couldn't have been helped. I need you to be available for the rest of the day."

  Tom told him he would, and after the call ended Julius sat quiet for several minu
tes, his features hardening as if he were made of marble. When he broke out of his trance, he asked me to compile a list of everyone Denise Penny had called over the last three weeks. After some hacking into her telephone provider's database, I had a list of names and phone numbers for Julius. He looked them over quickly, crossing out some and circling others, then he put the list aside to pick up his Archimedes book. While he read, I did some hacking and built profiles for each of the names that Julius had circled.

  It was a few minutes past one o'clock when Cramer called. The detective's voice was strained as he said to Julius, “We know Rosalind Henke came to your townhouse yesterday. What the hell did you two talk about?"

  "I believe that's between Ms. Henke and myself."

  "Not anymore it isn't. She was found murdered. Shot four times. Katz, God help you if I find out you were involved in any way! And you're going to tell me what I want to know right now or I'll have you arrested and dragged to the station as a material witness!"

  Cramer's belligerence had a forced, almost tired quality to it, as if he knew he was wasting his time with his threats. Julius ignored them.

  "Detective,” he said, “normally I would stonewall you simply on the principle that I do not like to reward bullying behavior, but we both want to see the same thing. Namely, for you to arrest the murderer of Denise Penny and Rosalind Henke. I can guarantee it's the same person, and if you arrange to have the following five people brought to my office by three o'clock, I will hand you the murderer."

  Julius gave him the five names that he had circled. Cramer was silent on the other end before asking Julius whether he knew for a fact that I wasn't responsible for either murder.