by Syd Parker
“Yes.” Ginny let out a sigh. “I couldn’t take the pain in his eyes. To me, it wasn’t pain for me and what I had lost. It was pain for losing his chance at a son to carry on his name. I couldn’t see past my own hurt long enough to realize that Neal was devastated for me. He knew how much I wanted a baby and when we lost our son, I was broken. Every time I looked in his eyes, I felt like I had failed the man I loved. I couldn’t move past my own pain and the fact that I had let him down, so I ran.”
Aspen was still reeling from her aunt’s words. Nothing in her aunt and uncle’s fairy tale story could have suggested anything but years of happiness, and yet, here she was sharing something with her niece that made her a little more human. “Where did you go?”
“I went to your great Aunt Sarah’s house. It was the one place I could go where I knew that I wouldn’t get looks of pity from every direction. Aunt Sarah never married. In fact, to this day, I would swear she was a lesbian, though she wouldn’t tell anyone, not in that day and age. But, I knew out of everyone, she would be the one that could understand what I was feeling.”
“Why didn’t you stay with Grandma?” Aspen queried.
“Oh honey.” Ginny squeezed her hand. "Grandma was a lot like your mom. She would have told me to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve and just deal with it. She would have told me to keep trying, and I couldn’t do that.”
“Well, at least now I know that Mom comes by it honestly.” Aspen chuckled softly. “I swear that woman has a jar somewhere that she stores her feelings in, just so she doesn’t have to talk about it.”
Ginny snorted loudly. “You are more right than you know. Grandma used to tell me to tuck those feelings away and move on. It didn’t help any to leave them out and dwell on them all the time.”
“So what happened? I mean how long did you stay with Aunt Sarah?”
“Oh longer than I should have.” Ginny’s voice caught in her throat. “I almost lost your uncle. I didn’t talk to him for the longest time. I had your mom tell him where I was, but nothing more. I remember the one time he tried to get me to come back home. You think your uncle is skinny now; you should have seen him then. He was nothing but skin and bones. That almost broke me. He came to tell me that he had turned the nursery into a music room, something I had always wanted. He wanted me to know that he didn’t need a baby to love me or to make us a family. He just wanted me. However, I was stubborn. I couldn’t go back and let him down.”
“But he told you he was okay.”
“He did. I heard the words. I just didn’t listen. All I saw was me taking away a man’s dream. I figured he could find a woman who could give him babies and not be tied to me the rest of his life. He was young. It wasn’t too late.” Ginny sat back in her chair, and it creaked loudly. The sounds in the night were dying down slowly, and she yawned in response. “He left in tears and I ached even more. I stayed for two years before I finally grew up enough to realize that I was only hurting myself and breaking your uncle’s heart by being an ass. When I came home, I was finally able to understand that your uncle loved me for me and when he married me, it wasn’t because he thought I could give him a houseful of kids. It was because he wanted to spend his life with me.”
Aspen shook her head. “He waited all that time?”
“He did.” Ginny took a sip of her now cold tea. “I am the luckiest woman alive. He could have very well moved on without me, which is what I told him to do. I’m not saying you should wait. Lord knows; two years was an eternity to wait for someone to start thinking straight again. I only want to help you understand how Lex is feeling. I’m not saying it is right, I’m just saying I know where her head is.”
“I know.” Aspen sighed loudly. “I just wish I could make the ache go away. It helps my head to hear what you went through, but not my heart. I hurt all over. When I think of what Lex and I had, it rips my heart out.”
Ginny heard the pain in her niece’s voice, and her heart went out to her. From her own experience, she knew that it felt like a white-hot knife searing her soul. Time didn’t take the pain away; it could only dull it. “She’s probably feeling the same. The difference is you're stuck around to deal with the pain. You are a lot like Neal in that regard. He was my strength and what helped me heal, once I let him. It’s going to be hard, but you just have to keep waking up and facing each day. Eventually, it gets a little easier.”
“God, I hope so.” Aspen admitted. “Right now I feel like it will never go away. I can function, but it’s not me. It’s a shell of the woman I was. When I look in the mirror, I don’t recognize myself anymore.”
“I know it’s hard to see right now, but you will get better. I almost broke your uncle Neal, but he was stronger than that and didn’t let me. Don’t let this break you, honey. You’ve got me and Neal to lean on, as long as you want.”
“I know.” Aspen stared off into the night, a thousand pictures playing in her head. “Thank you for telling me what happened with you. I don’t think our story will end happily like yours, but I know my heart will go on. At least, I hope it will.”
“It will, honey. It may take a while, but we are strong, resilient creatures, and we aren’t given anything we can’t handle.” Ginny leaned forward in her chair and yawned loudly, long past her bedtime. “You just have to believe that one day, you will be healed.”
“I don’t doubt that.” Aspen smiled wryly. “I just wish it would happen more quickly.”
“I can’t promise that it will happen soon, only that it will happen eventually. Until then, you have us…for as long as you need.”
“That means a lot, believe me.” Aspen leaned back in her chair and rocked slowly. She nudged her aunt. “I’m okay. You need to get to sleep.”
Ginny stood up slowly and stretched her hands over her head. “You going to bed?”
“Not yet.” Aspen shook her head. “I’m gonna sit out here a bit longer. There’s something about being out here that calms me down.”
Ginny leaned over and kissed her cheek. “Alright, honey. I’ll see you in the morning.”
Aspen watched her aunt retreat into the house before she settled back in. She heard the slight creak in the chair, felt the soothing rhythm of the gentle rocking as she closed her eyes and willed her mind to think of nothing but the soft breeze on her skin. She would let herself feel again tomorrow, but for tonight, she would just be. It was the first small steps in what she knew would be an arduous journey.
Chapter 2
“You have to do what?” Cassidy Scott’s voice raised to a particularly annoying level that made Lex long to put headphones in and drown her out. “You can’t be serious.”
“Dead.” Alexis Tataris twirled her black ponytail, a sign she was stressed. “It’s the only way. Rhode Island doesn’t grant same—sex divorces from another state. It’s easier to file where we got married, but we can’t file for divorce until we can prove we’ve lived there for six months. At that, they won’t finalize the divorce until one of us has lived there for a year. Her aunt was nice enough to let us use her place.” Lex felt the heat rise in her neck. Actually, her ex had said she would stay there alone, but Lex had surprised them both and offered to move with her…if it was alright with all the parties involved.
“So why can’t she just live there a year? She can file, and you can go there when you need to sign everything.” Cassidy pushed back. “I don’t see why you both have to live there.”
“That’s not fair to ask of her, especially since I’m the one asking a huge favor here. I’m asking her to pick up her life for a year just to give me a divorce.” Lex’s brown eyes flashed. “I’m lucky she agreed at all. She could have told me to kiss her ass. Besides, I’m just going for six months, babe. After that, I can come home. She’s agreed to stay the whole year.”
Lex looked away guiltily. In all honesty, Lex could have rented a place in Massachusetts and filed there, but she would have been out the money for a full year. There was a huge part of her that wante
d to feel what it felt like to be near her ex-wife again. To remember, if even for a short time, what she had felt before. Lex had never fully moved on, but she would never tell Cass that. Instead, Lex sold the idea for legal reasons. It wasn’t the most honest thing, but she couldn’t stop herself. “Besides, it’s just a business arrangement. You still get to have me.”
Lex regarded Cassidy. Honestly, she wouldn’t have chosen to get married again. Living in domestic sin was good enough for her. Nevertheless, what Cassidy wanted, Cassidy got, and a quick look at her pouting face confirmed that. “This is the only way.”
“You mean it’s the only way since I am the one that wants to get married?” Cassidy asked petulantly.
Lex rubbed the bridge of her nose wearily. This was a fight they had had one too many times before. She wasn’t sure why it mattered so much, but she didn’t feel the need to give in tonight. “Well yeah. I told you before that there is no point in getting married. I’m not going anywhere.”
“Hmph!” Cass wrapped her arms around Lex’s neck and pulled up on her tip—toes. “I don’t want to marry you because I want to tie you down. I want to marry you because I love you. I had hoped you felt the same way about me.”
Lex felt herself soften. She kissed the tip of Cass’s nose. “You know I love you, Cass. It’s just that…”
“Yes, Lex, I know.” Cass yanked on her ponytail and searched her face. “However, you were young and well, that wasn’t me.”
Lex’s mind flashed to a different time and felt her heart clench. No, she thought, you aren't her. She was her first love and if pressed, Lex would probably say her greatest love. She shook her head. That was then. This was now. She forced herself to return Cassidy’s gaze. She tipped the corners of her mouth into an indulgent smile. “So you’re okay with this?”
Cassidy shrugged. “I’m not sure okay is the word I would use. I just think it’s stupid you have to be there with her. It’s a divorce for God sake. It’s a piece of paper. Grant the damn thing and move on.”
The her in question was Aspen Lane, Lex’s ex—wife. They had married when Lex was twenty—three and separated when she was twenty—eight. The reason for Lex's leaving was stupid really, at least looking back. She and Aspen had tried to have children unsuccessfully, stopping after Aspen’s miscarriage. Not really sure how to handle the disappointment of losing a child, Lex fell apart. Instead of looking to the person that would have soothed her soul the most, she had run, too afraid to face her own imagined failure. “It is what it is, Cass.”
Cassidy regarded the pained look in her eyes. Lex did her best to hide it, but on the rare occasion that she saw it, Cassidy experienced a pang of fear. In the back of her mind, she knew Lex had never gotten closure with Aspen. In the three years that they had been together, there were times she saw something in Lex’s eyes and knew part of Lex would never be hers. “Okay.”
“Okay.” Lex saw Cassidy finally resign herself to what had to be done. In a way, maybe it was a blessing. Lex could get the closure she needed, and then they could be free to move on with their lives without Aspen’s ghost. Three was a crowd anyway. “Besides it’s not like we will be together that much. You know I’ll be on the road most of the time anyway.”
“Yes, I know.” Cassidy shrugged. Lex’s job as a sports columnist took her out of town more often than she liked. Early on, it had caused several arguments, but when Cassidy figured out that Lex wouldn’t give up her job, she realized she either took Lex as she was or not at all. She took what she could get. “So tell me why you have to live in the same place.”
Lex shrugged. “It’s stupid for us both to get a place. Besides it is Aspen’s aunt’s farm, and the rent is cheap.” Cheap was actually free. There was a bunkhouse that had been fully renovated and since her aunt was no longer operating the farm, it was empty. When she had run the idea by Aspen, Aspen had initially said she would make the move and take care of the divorce, but Lex wouldn’t hear of her doing it alone. It was her request. She needed to be part of it. Cassidy wrinkled up her nose. “There better be two bedrooms.”
Lex chuckled. “Yes, babe, there are two bedrooms. Did you think I was going to sleep in the same bed with her for the next six months?”
“You never know.” Cassidy toyed with a button on Lex’s shirt. “I know you never got over her.”
Lex tensed and swallowed the lump in her throat. Truth be told, a part of her hadn’t ever gotten over Aspen. There were so many times over the two years after they had broken up, that she almost picked up the phone and called begging for forgiveness, pleading with her to take her back. Somehow words just didn’t seem like enough to bridge the distance that she had put between them.
“It’s okay. I know.” Cassidy smiled sadly. She put her hand over Lex’s heart. “First loves. You never stay with them, but you never forget them.”
Lex waited while Cassidy fidgeted against her, a string of sighs escaping her lips. Lex finally pushed her back and held her at arms’ length. She forced Cassidy to meet her gaze. “Come on, spit it out.”
“Well…” Cassidy’s eyes searched hers. “If there is anything you need to do while you are there, I’m okay with it.”
Lex furrowed her brow in confusion. “What do you mean?”
“It’s just that, well, I know you didn’t ever get closure.”
“And…” Lex tired sometimes of having to pull everything out of Cassidy. Granted Lex had never been the best communicator, but Cassidy beat her hands down. She couldn’t just say what she was thinking and make it easier on both of them. There were times Lex thought she did it on purpose just to get under her skin.
“I want you to get closure and if that means you need to sleep with her or something; you can.”
Lex nearly choked. “Damn, woman! I’m going there to get a divorce, not get back together. How on earth is sleeping with her going to get me closure?”
“You know, break up sex.” Cassidy said matter of fact, as if that explained everything.
“Still not following.” Lex dropped her arms and pulled away. Cassidy never ceased to amaze her. She was immature at times and insisted on her way more times than not, but there were moments like this that she gave unselfishly.
Cassidy’s manicured fingernail tapped on the counter nervously. Her stomach felt unsettled. It was a spur-of-the-moment suggestion, but she had always known that Lex held onto her past relationship because she had never said good-bye. It was impossible to move forward when she still had a foot in the past. “You never had your chance for closure. You never said good-bye. I think you need to do that.”
“I can do that without sleeping with her.” Lex’s mind suddenly hurtled back ten years to the day she met Aspen Lane. A mutual friend set them up on a blind date. The second she walked in the door, Lex was lost in her steel blue eyes. She felt a jolt of electricity when they shook hands. Lex Tataris was caught – hook, line and sinker. Her skin felt hot just thinking about Aspen, and she got the familiar itch in her fingertips. The one that she got anytime she even thought about touching Aspen. She shook her head, and the image faded into gray again.
Cassidy saw the emotions in Lex’s eyes and knew where her mind had gone. She felt tightness in her chest. “Maybe you can. I’m just saying that when you get there, please do what you need to do to shut that door. I want a future with all of you.”
Lex saw Cassidy’s lip tremble and knew what a sacrifice it was for her even to offer the suggestion. As difficult as Cassidy could be sometimes, Lex did love her. It may not have been a soul consuming love, but Lex had known early on that she would only find that once in her life, and she had screwed that one time up. “You have all of me.”
“Do I?” Cassidy looked at her askance. “Show me.”
Lex knew she meant to get rid of her wedding ring. That had been the one thing Lex couldn’t let go of. The pictures, everything else was gone. It had been too hard to see those after the breakup. She would sit for hours and stare at Aspen’s picture, th
ose blue eyes looking into her soul, until she ached so bad that she would drink herself into oblivion to forget. She met Cassidy during that time. She wasn’t looking for anyone, but having someone fill the gaping hole in her chest seemed like a good idea. “I…”
Cassidy sensed her hesitation, and it firmed her resolve a bit. Yes, she may not really want Lex to sleep with Aspen, but she did want her to get her out of her system and if that was the only way then so be it. “You don’t have to say it, and I’m not forcing you to, but I hope you reach a place while you are there that you will finally be able to let go.”
Lex felt a lump rise in her throat. Say good-bye. Let go. Those words had a finality that hit her in the stomach and almost knocked her over. Could she say good-bye? Was she ready to let go? All these years, she held on to the past; maybe not to Aspen, but to the thought of her. She shook her head. It was only fair what Cassidy was asking of her. She looked at the woman she had loved for three years and smiled. “By the time I come back, I’ll have it all taken care of.”
Cassidy felt herself relax. That was one thing about Lex that she loved. When she gave her word, she kept it. “I know you will.” She narrowed her eyes and studied Lex closely. Lex was good at not saying what she felt but her eyes always betrayed her. She saw a spark of sadness in them and hoped when she got back, it would be gone.
Lex twisted her short ponytail again. Cassidy may have been calm, but she was anything but. The thought of having to spend six months in the same place as Aspen was starting to sink in. In the five years they were together, to say that she took her breath away every day would have been a gross injustice. It was more like she took her breath away every second of every day.
She wasn’t a believer in the notion of soul mates per se, but Aspen made her believe in miracles. Maybe that was why it was so hard when they couldn’t conceive. It shook her faith and made her question everything. Maybe they weren’t right for each other. Perhaps fate was telling her, she’s not the one. Stupidly, Lex listened to her fears. Instead of leaning on the one person that could have made everything right, she pulled away. She kept running until she turned and couldn’t see behind her anymore. She had lost herself, and she had let the light that would have called her home burn out. That was yesterday, and she needed to focus on today.
