by Syd Parker
She just needed to treat this like a business arrangement. That was how she separated her emotions from everything else. She made decisions with a level head; at least, the decisions that didn’t involve Aspen. With her, every choice she had made was with her heart. It was as if she had reached in and wrapped her hands around Lex’s heart and had not let go. She felt tightness in her chest. If she was going to survive the next six months, playing the business angle was going to be the only thing that worked.
Lex pushed her thoughts to the back of her mind and smiled at Cassidy. “Have I mentioned that I love you?”
Cassidy smiled. “Yes, but remind me again.”
Lex closed the distance and kissed her softly. She felt the familiar tug in her loins. It felt comfortable with Cassidy. Never out of control, never enough to make her ache, but for Lex, it somehow became enough. She had long ago resigned herself to the fact that fate wouldn’t strike twice. She had her chance at wonderful, and she had blown it. But good was...well it was good enough. Right? She broke the kiss. “Besides, it’s only three hours away. I can come home for long weekends when I’m not on the road.”
It was late summer and baseball season was in full swing. Pre—season football was getting ready to start, and Cassidy knew Lex would be on the road more often than she was home. “I’d like that.”
“Me too.” Lex admitted with a smile. “What about you? What are you going to do with all your free time?”
Cassidy smiled wildly, for the first time since the conversation had started. “Work on next spring's line up." She was a clothing designer for Saks, and the spring release was a huge deal for them. “Now I can do it without you here to distract me.” She teased.
“Hey!” Lex feigned offense. “I distract you.”
“Very much.” Cassidy admitted. “It’s difficult to think when you’re around, much less keep my mind on my job. With you gone, I may actually make my deadline.”
Lex kissed her again. “You know I have a thought.”
Cassidy cocked an eyebrow. “Yes?”
“The six months will be over about the time you go to New York for the fashion show. What do you say we make it our official engagement trip?”
“You mean it?” Cassidy eyed her suspiciously. “You said you didn’t want to rush.”
“I know.” Lex shrugged. “But you’re right, there’s really no reason to wait.”
Cassidy squealed. “Oh my god, I love you.” She kissed her soundly then pulled away and started jumping around excitedly. “I have to go call my mother.”
Lex watched her leave and chuckled slightly. She made the decision without thinking. She hoped it would give her a goal, something to focus on during the next few months. She was going to need it. She wasn’t sure she could be anywhere near Aspen and not get consumed by her again.
Chapter 3
Aspen threw the covers off and sat up, trying to catch her breath. Her heart raced, and she had to check her surroundings to make sure she was in her own bed. The dream had been so real it terrified her. No stranger to night terrors, her recent conversation with Lex made them even worse.
Years of emotions came pouring out like a swollen river overflowing its bounds. She had done a good job of tucking those years in a neat little box in the back of her mind, but one call, one word, the sound of Lex’s voice and the box opened and spilled its contents.
This dream had taken her back to the last time they had tried to conceive, and she had miscarried. Only in the dream, she went full term and had given birth. They brought the baby home from the hospital. Their lives were as perfect as three people could want for. She woke up to Lex taking the baby—their baby from her. She had run screaming after them, but no matter how hard she had run; she hadn’t been able to catch them.
Aspen scrubbed her palms over her eyes and kicked her feet to the floor. She inhaled quickly. The floors were freezing. She reached for the socks she had kicked off during the night and pulled them onto her feet. Her mind flashed to Lex and the shiver this time had nothing to do with the cold.
“Aspen?” Her mother’s voice carried up the steps, and she was immediately transported back to her childhood. “Honey, are you up?”
Aspen groaned loudly. Even though her stay here was temporary, she was already looking forward to leaving. After almost five years, she had given up her place in New York four months ago, needing to get away from the hectic pace and not wanting to worry about how she was going to pay the rent all the time. “Yeah, be down in a sec.” She stood up and stretched her arms over her head and pulled her housecoat on, cinching it around her waist to stave off the cold. She started down the steps, and the familiar creak of the steps made her smile.
“Morning, sleepyhead.” Susan handed her daughter a cup of steaming coffee and pointed at a loaf of bread.”
Aspen took a sip and shook her head. “Just coffee.”
“Honey, you need to eat.” Susan’s eyes assessed her daughter. “As it is, you’re skin and bones.”
Aspen half—expected her to force her into a chair and make her eat, just as she had twenty—five years ago. Instead, she let it slide and sat back down to work on her crossword puzzle. “Are you running into town today?”
“Yes.” Susan looked up from her crossword puzzle. “You want to ride along?”
“No, but I’m going to have you pick up a few things for me.”
Aspen turned the mug in her hands until her mother looked up, rested her glasses on the tip of her nose and looked at her expectantly. “I’ll pick up anything. Just make a list.” Her eyes flicked to the coffee mug. “Something you want to talk about?”
Aspen’s eyes dropped to the table before meeting her mother’s waiting gaze. “Lex called me last week.”
Her mother’s brow furrowed. “Lex…as in our Lex?”
Aspen nodded. “Yes.” She wrung her hands together. Even talking about her was bringing emotions to the surface, ones that were better left unfelt.
“Well, what did she want?” Susan pressed lightly. She could see the unrest in her daughter’s eyes, and it made her hurt for her all over again.
“She wants a divorce.” The words were so matter of fact, but Susan could hear in her tone just how much it hurt. She had always held onto the hope that one day Lex might wake up and realize what she gave up and come back. Aspen’s news poked a hole in that.
“Kind of late for that, isn’t it?” Susan asked without censure. “You’ve been separated for five years. Isn’t that overkill?”
Aspen shrugged. “I guess. Her girlfriend is insisting they get married, and they can’t until we are divorced.”
“Hmph!” Susan uttered with a disapproving look. “So, she called to tell you that and to expect the papers to sign?”
“Not exactly.” Aspen smiled ruefully. “She lives in Rhode Island now. They recognize same-sex marriage from other states, but they won’t let us divorce there. We can only get divorced in Vermont or in a state that recognizes gay marriage.”
“So, she’ll just drive on up to Massachusetts and do it there.” Susan offered as though that was the solution that everyone else in the matter had missed.
“Well that’s the other news.” Aspen said quietly. “The state won’t grant a divorce unless the party petitioning for a divorce has resided in the state for a year, or…”
Susan furrowed her brow, not liking the tone of her daughter’s or. “Why do I think I’m not going to like the sound of that?” Like it or not, her daughter was grown up, and she couldn’t protect her from getting hurt, but Lord knows; she wanted to. She had been there five years ago when her world came crashing down. She was the one that listened to her daughter cry herself to sleep every night for months. She was the one that watched her daughter go through life like a zombie, and God help her; she wanted to do whatever she needed to do to protect her.
“Because you aren’t.” Aspen sighed loudly trying to build up the courage to get through the next part of her news. She practically spat
out the subsequent part, tripping over herself to say it before she got her wits about her and forgot the whole crazy idea. “A year is a long time for her to relocate, so I might have offered to move to Vermont for a year and file where we got married.” There she had said it and felt immediate relief. “I’m going to stay at the ranch.”
“What?” Susan looked at her daughter in disbelief. “Ginny didn’t say anything to me about this.”
“I asked her not too.” Aspen admitted. “I knew you would be upset.”
“Of course I’m upset, honey.” Susan had set her pencil aside earlier, but she picked it up and tapped it nervously on the table. “You’re dropping everything for her again and not getting anything from her.”
Aspen grimaced. “That’s not entirely true.”
“What do you mean?” Susan eyed her daughter suspiciously.
“Lex is moving there too. She felt it was only fair to suffer with me.”
“Oh that’s rich. Now, she decides to step up.”
Aspen reached over and stilled her mother’s hand. “Please don’t be upset with me. Right now what I need is your support. I know you don’t agree with it, but I feel like it’s something I need to do. Besides, we will only be together for six months, and it isn’t like she will be there full time. She travels for work, remember?”
“How could I forget? Susan frowned. “I always thought she should have found a different job and settled down. Couldn’t she have just been one of those boggers and written for the computer thingy like you do?”
Aspen chuckled. “You mean blogger. She does blog Mom, but she needs to be at the games to be able to do that.”
“Pshaw. Details honey.” Susan squeezed her hand. “Are you sure about this?”
Aspen nodded then hesitated. Was she sure? At the moment, there wasn’t a definitive answer. Confusion had set in, and she hadn’t settled on quite where she was with her decision. “I think I need this. We never really had the chance for closure. It was like I had my hand on something, and it got ripped away with no warning.”
“That’s because she ripped it away and broke your heart in the process.” Her mother’s tone held the censure she expected.
“Mother.” Aspen shot her a look. “Not helping. I’m already questioning my decision. You aren’t making it any easier.”
“Maybe that’s a sign.”
“I don’t need a sign. I finally need to say goodbye good-bye Lex and the past, so I can move on with my life. It’s been five years, and I’m no closer to being over her than I was five years ago.”
“Honey, are you really sure?” Susan’s concerned eyes regarded her closely. “I just don’t see how this can end well.”
Susan sighed loudly. “Well or not, it’s end I’m looking for. I didn’t get that before and there is this thing in my life just hanging there, unresolved. I feel like I am frozen in time, unable to move forward. Perhaps, I can finally get some closure and get past all of that.”
“Well I can’t say that I agree with this, but you’re an adult. It’s your choice, I'll stand by whatever decision you make.” Susan never understood holding on. She believed in dealing with your grief and moving on. Her husband had died three years ago, and while she did miss him, she didn’t let it dominate her life. Aspen must have gotten that from her father. The two of them could horde feelings like no one else, tucking them into some untidy box that they could pull out later and disassemble once again. Susan couldn’t allow herself to do that, burdening herself with feelings and emotions when a person ought to let go. “Your aunt Ginny is going to give Lex a piece of her mind, I don't doubt."
Aspen smiled. “Was that ever a question?” Although, she knew better. She remembered the conversation she and her aunt had years before and Aspen knew if anyone was going to stand up for Lex, it would be Aunt Ginny. She drained the last of her coffee. “I may run into town with you after all. Do I have time for a quick shower?”
Her mother checked her watch. “Of course. I’ve still got to finish my crossword puzzle.”
Aspen pushed her chair in and squeezed her mom’s shoulder as she walked past. No matter what happened in her life, her mother had been there. From her first broken heart in high school up to now, she was her rock. Her mom didn’t cry with her, instead she lived her life with a silent stoicism that allowed her to give Aspen a solid shoulder to cry on, and the knowledge that it would get better with time. She knew at the end of this next journey, she would be waiting on the other side waiting to pick up the pieces. Aspen just hoped her heart wasn’t shattered into a thousand pieces and there was something left to salvage.
She pulled her hair up and looked at her reflection in the small country mirror. The new signs of age that were starting to show up did little to improve the face looking back at her. She barely recognized herself anymore. She touched a wrinkle beside her eye and sighed loudly. At thirty—three, she was too young to look as worn out as she did. Or feel as worn out for that matter. The hurt she carried around like a badge was getting heavy.
She leaned in closer and narrowed her eyes. She felt her mind alter and a new determination slipped inside and took root in her conscious. No matter what happened with this whole Lex thing, she would walk away from this looking forward and no longer holding onto the past. Her very existence depended on it.
Chapter 4
Lex cinched her garment bag further up her shoulder and rang the doorbell again. She cocked her ear and listened. Nothing. “Shit.” She pulled her blackberry out of her pocket and thumbed through texts until she found the right one. She studied the text then looked over her shoulder. It had been a long time since she had been at Aunt Ginny’s farm, but she was pretty sure she recognized her surroundings.
She decided to take a chance and turned the knob on the front door, somewhat relieved that it gave easily. She wouldn’t dream of leaving her door unlocked in Providence. Grabbing her suitcase, she bumped the door open with her foot and stepped inside. She was immediately ensconced in rich, warm wood. The newly renovated bunk house, as Aspen had called it, was closer to a mountain cabin than any bunkhouse she had ever imagined.
The only item that gave the building’s origin away was the unfinished beam ceiling that towered two stories above her. She glanced to her left, and her gaze lit on a cozy kitchen. Her mind reeled back ten years, and she could see Aspen standing at the island making her cobbler and teasing that Lex didn’t stand a chance once she tasted Aspen’s cooking. She might as well say good-bye to her heart now.
Lex chuckled, breaking her reverie. Like everything else about them, those memories were turbulent waters below a crumbling bridge. She walked past a sizeable living room area with two stuffed, wing back chairs facing a fireplace. A floor—to—ceiling mantle held a large, flat-screen TV and several pictures. Seeing one of Aspen, with her head thrown back stopped her in her tracks.
She weaved through the chairs and picked the frame up. Aspen’s head was thrown back, her eyes closed and a smile that went from ear to ear. Lex sucked in a breath. She had forgotten that anytime she saw Aspen, her heart stopped. She ran her thumb over Aspen’s face and felt the familiar tug in her heart. Do what you need to do to say good-bye and move on.
Cassidy’s words played in her ears. She shook her head and set the frame back on the mantle. She was here to end things officially and say good-bye, so she and Cassidy could move on, not reminisce about the one she let get away.
She gathered her suitcase from the spot she left it. She paused when the open living space stopped, and tee’d down two hallways. She mentally flipped a coin and turned left. She passed a small powder room and opened a door at the end of the hallway, revealing a large master bedroom. She saw several personal items on the bed stand and knew she had chosen Aspen’s room.
Lex was about to close the door when Aspen’s scent wafted towards her, evoking images that she had no right thinking about. She closed the door guiltily and almost ran to the other door at the opposite end of the hall. She open
ed the door to an nearly identical room. She flopped her garment bag on the bed, set her suitcase on the floor and surveyed her room for the next six months.
The bed was larger than she had expected, and she smiled. The first bed she and Aspen had shared was a full bed, barely bigger than a twin. They didn't complain at the time. Neither one minded spending the night entwined in each other’s arms. Lex felt a current course through her body, and she mentally pulled her mind back to reality. The sooner she got her mind focused on the plan, the better.
She went through a small door to her left that opened into a spacious bathroom with a vanity, commode and a large sunken, soaking tub. “Do not even go there, Lex.”
Lex washed her hands and splashed water on her face. The drive wasn’t tedious at all, in fact, had the circumstances been different; she might even consider it relaxing. Today though, her mind had not thought of anything else except the reason she was making the trip in the first place.
Her eyes sought the mirror as they did most times she was in the bathroom lately. Age was creeping up on her quickly, and so far she hadn’t figured out a way to outrun it. Cassidy liked to tease that Lex was her cougar. In actuality, the age difference was only eight years, but being on the other side of thirty, there were times Lex felt like she could have been a cougar.
She ran a hand over her ever—present ponytail and grimaced at her own face. She thought that maybe being on the road as much as she was, coupled with her harried schedule, wasn’t treating her as well as she thought. She enjoyed the freedom, the change of scenery, loved sports and everything about them, but she knew something was missing. She had given hope to the feeling that perhaps marrying Cassidy would give her the settled in feeling she had been missing for so long.
