Free Bird

by Amelia Oliver

  “Oh, Sven, I’m gonna cum,” she gasps, just as my tongue is assaulted with the flavor of her and I lap it all up.

  Rising onto my knees, my hand is on my dick as I position myself to enter her but stop when I see she’s asleep.

  “Missy,” I groan, leaning down and trying to wake her.

  She’s done this before. Many times. I thought with her being in school and working that she’s always just tired. This time however, I begin to wonder if she purposely does this, so she doesn’t have to fuck me. I spend the night and all next day letting my thoughts and fears plague me. Maybe she is with someone else. Maybe she doesn’t love me. Maybe I’m not enough.

  I pack up at first light. We’re supposed to be here until tonight, but I’m exhausted and angry and I just want to get home. I wake Missy not too nicely to tell her we’re leaving. We ride straight through to home. Not a word being spoken between us and when I drop her off at home, I head for the clubhouse because I just don’t want to be around her anymore. I have a sick feeling Missy’s cheating on me and as much as I want her to just fucking tell me, I also don’t want to lose her. As pathetic as it sounds, I could live like this. Her cheating on me as long as we stay together. I attend gathering, which is just made up of the handful of brothers that didn’t go to the rally. Ivan asks for volunteers to go on a run tomorrow, and I volunteer. I think a run and some distance might help me clear my head.

  “I’m staying at the clubhouse tonight.” I tell Missy from the phone in my apartment.

  “Oh…Everything okay?” she asks.

  “Yeah, just leaving early and don’t want to wake you guys up in the morning,” I lie.

  “Do you want to at least come home for dinner or anything first?” she asks.

  “Nah, a few brothers asked me to go to the diner. We still have some shit to work out before tomorrow.”

  There’s silence and I feel bad lying to her, but I want to know what the fuck is going on.

  “Well, I love you,” she tells me.

  “I love you too,” I reply, hanging up the phone.

  Since the neighbors are nosey, I borrow a truck from a prospect and park it on the corner of our street where I can see the house. I’ve been sitting here since just after I called Missy. So far, nothing’s been going on, until after a few hours of sitting, Ivan pulls into the driveway to pick Sweetie up to stay at their place. That was four hours ago now. Missy hasn’t left and no one’s come to the house, aside from Gwen about an hour ago. I begin to realize what a fucking idiot I am and how much of an asshole I am for thinking Missy would do something like cheat on me. I can’t ignore that something is going on, but now I know it’s probably not her seeing someone else. Somewhat satisfied, I leave to meet the guys at the diner before heading to the clubhouse for the night.

  **

  A few days after the run, I decide to walk over to the police station and see if Missy wants to take a lunch. I’ve been feeling guilty ever since last night, kicking myself and trying to sort out my shit. I feel optimistic as I walk and want to see if Missy wants to go back to Hawaii soon, the time together might be good for us.

  One of the officers is listening to “Don’t Fear the Reaper” by Blue Oyster Cult on his desk radio and I begin humming along as I walk toward Milton’s office. I don’t see Missy at her desk but maybe she’s in his office or something. Stepping inside, Milton’s alone in his part of the office, at his desk and writing something. His head pops up and then he furrows his brows.

  “Sven?”

  “Hey, Missy around?” I ask, wondering if maybe she’s already left for lunch.

  “She didn’t come in today,” he says with a shake of his head. “Said she wasn’t feeling good. All last week too,” he adds.

  My stomach drops because she came home at the same time yesterday that she always does, dressed like she’d been at work. An uneasy, almost panicky feeling comes over me.

  “She miss a lot of work?” I question.

  He stands and comes around his desk, walking toward me still in Missy’s part of the office.

  “Within the last year…yes. I don’t know what’s going on with her. At first, I thought maybe she was pregnant or something. She’s been looking ill often, forgetting things, not coming in. But then when months passed and she wasn’t showing…”

  “Thanks,” I tell him, not wanting to hear more because my blood is boiling.

  Without saying goodbye, I turn and head back to the front doors. I run down the streets to the house, it would’ve been faster for me to drive, but my adrenaline has me charging full speed. Her Gremlin’s in the driveway and I feel relief that at least I know she’s here. My heart’s pounding those last few yards. I knew something was going on with her, and I’m finding out today, because we can’t live like this anymore, no matter what I tell myself. If it’s because she’s cheating on me or wanting to leave us, I need to know. Right now.

  Entering the house, I hear nothing and find no signs of anyone. But something’s pushing me to go upstairs, because if she’s not here then where the fuck could she be? I begin to panic, again, thinking maybe she slipped in the shower or is hurt.

  “Missy,” I announce as I open the bathroom door, but find nothing. My boots are loud in the silent house as I move toward the bedroom. God, please don’t let her be in here with another man.

  With a deep breath, I fling the door open. She’s there, lying on top of the covers and my stomach drops. I climb onto the bed and lean over her because she’s pale and just doesn’t look right.

  “Missy!” I say loudly as I cup her head in my hands and plant my knees on either side of her hips. She’s lifeless and unresponsive as I shake her, laying her back down to press my ear against her chest for a heartbeat, and thank God, I hear it. What the fuck is happening? Then something to my left catches my eye. My jaw drops as shock and anger wash over me.

  24

  MISSY

  I wake from my haze and realize more time has passed than normal and I wonder if the heroin hit me harder than usual. Sitting up, I see the room trashed, clothes and things just tossed everywhere. Immediately, I look down to see my stash and needles in the little cigar box I keep them in, still sitting on the bed beside me. The clearing of a throat has my head jerking toward the door. Sven’s there and I shift my body to shield his view of the box.

  “What happened?” I ask, looking around the room.

  “You don’t need to hide that, I’ve seen it.”

  “What?” I question, looking down at it. “Oh this? This isn’t mine, I was just holding it for Shine.”

  “You goddamn liar!” he yells and stomps toward me. “I took the fucking needle out of your foot after checking you weren’t dead!”

  “Sven, I don’t-” I begin, raising my hands like I can lie my way out of this.

  His hands grip the front of my nightie, yanking me closer. “That how you got away with no track marks, shooting up between your toes? It all makes sense now. Missing work, missing going to Kendall’s school, not wanting sex. Are you even going to college or is that just a cover to get out of the house and be a fucking drug addict?”

  My jaw is set, and my chest is heaving because I don’t want to admit it.

  “Everyone we know does drugs!”

  “They’re not you,” he states. “Answer me,” he adds.

  Again, I shut my mouth, my mind trying to come up with some lie I can weave to get myself out of this.

  “Don’t fucking lie to me!” he growls through clenched teeth.

  I shake my head minutely before he’s jerking me out of the bed and urging me into the hallway. My legs feel jelly-like as I stumble over my feet, before he’s positioning me, in front of the sink and the mirror of the medicine cabinet.

  “Look at yourself,” he tells me. My eyes are on his over my shoulder as he breathes hard. His fingers dig into my shoulders as he holds me there.

  “No!” I yell.

  “Why? You don’t want to see how low you’ve hit? See
reality?”

  “Fuck you!”

  “No! Fuck you and fuck this shit! What are you doing?!” His face takes on an expression of disgust.

  I attempt to pull free but his grip on me is tight and unyielding.

  “Let go,” I rasp out through clenched teeth.

  I feel like a caged animal, like if he keeps me here I’ll die or something, so I’m willing to fight him if necessary. Our eyes penetrate through the reflection in the mirror, but he just keeps us there in silence and I know he’s willing me to look at myself, but I don’t.

  “You’re losing us,” he finally says, then lets me go and retreats from the bathroom.

  My eyes look down at the sink, my focus going to the water dripping slowly from the tap. Drip…drip…drip. Every pulse of water hits the drain before disappearing, Sven’s words ring through my head. I’m losing them, losing them. I haven’t lost them, not yet. Drugs have me, but this is my chance to break free, because I know Sven will move heaven and earth to help me get clean. But it’s got such a hold on me, I want to get high even now, just to run away from the challenge I know getting drug-free will be.

  Slowly my eyes inch up, my shoulders coming into view, then my stringy hair, then my neck, and finally my face. I look at myself in the mirror. I haven't rolled my hair in forever; it looks shitty and dirty. My skin looks gray and pasty. The nightie I have on is just hanging on my skeleton. When I first started going braless, it was to claim my sexuality, but now I doubt I could even fit into a bra I own. For some reason, the notion of Gaye seeing me like this pops into my head. How disgusted she’d be, how she’d pick me apart verbally by going over every flaw she sees and I’d have to agree with her. I look dead. My eyes squeeze shut to block the reality.

  Not long later, Sven enters our bedroom. I’ve been sitting on the end of the bed, wanting to shoot up before the pain comes, almost feeling anxious about it because Sven took all my stuff and I can’t score with him here. I don’t look at him, but see out of the corner of my eye as he leans against the wall and crosses his arms over his chest.

  “I don’t need you to save me,” I tell him. Where that came from, I’m not sure.

  “I’m not gonna save you, Missy. You’re going to save yourself,” he tells me calmly.

  Inhaling deeply, I feel my chin begin to quiver. “I don’t know what to do,” I whisper. “I tried quitting, but…I couldn’t do it.”

  “I’m telling you, this ends now, Missy. I can’t watch you kill yourself, I won’t. Sweetie needs her mother back, and I need you back. Unless you want to carry on with this shit and lose us-”

  “No!” I stop him with a broken exclamation, looking up at him. “No, I can’t lose either of you. I just…need help.”

  He walks to me, pulling me against his body as he hugs me, placing a hand on the back of my head. His touch feels like hope and desperation.

  “How long…How long has this been going on?” he asks.

  And because I know I can’t keep up the charade for fear that one more lie will be the final straw for him, I decide to spill it all.

  “The run you guys went on last year, the one where Jasper didn’t go. I went to hang out with Shine and we did LSD and I tripped that you were there and…,” I swallow the lump in my throat and continue, “but I realize it wasn’t you, it was Jasper. Next thing I knew it was days later, and he’d been keeping me doped up…he got me addicted. The pain was so bad, I remember it still. I just…it hurt so bad, so Shine kept me going, supplying me and shot me up when I couldn’t do it myself. I hated it, hated knowing what I was doing my hands would shake so bad from nerves when I’d try sometimes, but I was addicted. I tried so many times to quit. So many times. But I just knew it would be painful and messy and I couldn’t do it alone or here. So, after a few hours, I’d shoot up again.”

  “Jasper,” he says calmly.

  I say nothing, letting my silence answer the question.

  25

  SVEN

  I bang on the door, then wait, trying to calm myself by saying I can’t kick the door in. But if I have to knock one more time, I will.

  The door opens and Shine’s there, the sight of her snaps my restraint.

  “Where’s Jasper?” I demand, slamming my fist on the doorframe.

  “Not here,” Shine says with wide eyes and a look of terror.

  “Where did he go?”

  “I-I-I don’t know,” she stammers out.

  It’s then I realize she’s wrapped in a sheet and clutching the material with both hands at her neck.

  “When was the last time you saw him?”

  “I don’t know-”

  My hands grip her shoulders as I shake her. “Just like you didn’t know Missy was a fucking addict? You’re supposed to be her friend and yet you helped her use and let Jasper get her into this shit!”

  “Brother.”

  My eyes look behind her as Owen, wearing only briefs comes toward us. He peels my fingers off her and tells Shine to go back into the bedroom and he’ll handle it.

  “Where’s Jasper?” My need to find the fucker outweighs my interest in whatever these two are doing.

  “Dunno…He caught me and Shine in my apartment at the club yesterday, I kicked his ass, haven’t seen him since. He took some of his shit from here, left his club cut and most everything else.”

  “Fuck,” I growl.

  “What?”

  I sigh, because, I don’t want to get into Missy’s shit or my brain might explode. I tell him nothing and head back to my truck. Stopping at a payphone outside the Plantain grocery store I call my therapist on a wild notion that he might know something about detoxing an addict, or at least point me in the right direction to someone who might. He tells me the things I’ll need, because yes, he’s helped some veterans through drug rehab. Then he tells me he’s coming to the house to help me. I feel some sort of comfort in this, that I won’t just be winging this. I know it’s going to be hard for her and me, but she needs to do this for herself. If she doesn’t, I need to think of a plan B for Sweetie, because at the end of it all, she’s my main concern.

  Once finished at the store, I drive to pick Sweetie up from school. I’d packed a bag for her before I left the house to find Jasper and called Ida then too. I explain to Sweetie that Mama isn’t feeling well and that until she gets better, she’ll be staying with Ida and Ivan.

  “Is she gonna be like she used to be, when she’s better?” Sweetie asks softly, looking out the window.

  Without saying it, I know she understands something beyond illness is what’s wrong with her mom. Again, I’m reminded of how she’s the one who needs to be better than us, to live better and become better. My hand slides across the bench seat toward hers and curls around her little hand. Moments later she’s moving over and leaning into my side, and I wrap an arm around her shoulders to hug her and kiss the top of her head.

  “You don’t need to worry about anything. Just have fun with Ida.”

  **

  Pulling into the driveway, things look the same as how I left them. Missy’s Gremlin’s parked in front of the garage door. Boo-Boo’s, Joseph’s and Rocket’s bikes are lined up behind that and Gwen’s truck is parked on the street. Grabbing the bags from the store, I walk up the porch steps, noticing the windows closed for the first time I can ever remember. I furrow my brow in confusion and push open the front door. Understanding hits me in the face…in the form of a shoe.

  “Fucking let me go!” Missy yells.

  “Stop it!” Rocket yells back.

  “Fuck you!” she snarls, throwing another shoe at him. He’s standing in front of me, so this time I duck as he does and it claps against the door behind me.

  “You can’t keep me here!”

  “Missy,” I say calmly, setting the bags down and walking across broken picture frames and other collateral damage along the floor. I can see by the looks on everyone’s faces that they’re frustrated and done with her.

  “I’m gonna call the po
lice,” she tells me with panting breaths, pointing her index finger at me.

  She’s sweaty and her hairs a mess, her eyes are red rimmed and it’s clear she’s fiending.

  “I don’t think you want to do that,” I tell her, my hands held out in a way to show her to calm down.

  “I’m being held captive! I’m being tortured!” She begins to scream and once she turns her back to me, I wrap my arms around her chest, pinning her arms to her sides.

  She thrashes, kicking and whipping her head side to side and I try my best to avoid getting hit, but she gets a few good knocks against my nose and knees. Then Rocket’s holding her legs and Gwen’s trying to hold her face with her hands and talk to her. But Missy just screams and thrashes as we all maneuver her up the steps to the bedroom. I consider tying her to the bed, or how I can somehow restrain her. Gwen’s covering her mouth, trying to avoid getting bitten, as Missy just screams over and over at the top of her lungs. We get her onto the bed and she pulls free, rising on her knees as she faces us.

  “You can’t keep me here!” she screams one last time before Gwen steps up and punches her in the face, knocking Missy out and sending her back onto the bed.

  Gwen turns to face me. “Sorry.” She shrugs, her face reflecting remorse.

  I give her a sympathetic look, understanding the reasons for her actions, and we all stand there looking at Missy on the bed.

  “What are we gonna do? I mean, it’s only been a few hours since she used last and she’s already like this…” Gwen trails off.

  “I have someone coming over to help us. He said he can give her a sedative or something for when she gets like this, or is in a lot of pain.”