A Perfect Snow

by Nora Martin

  But when I looked into her face the words melted together in my brain like candle wax. I could not make sentences. I took her hand. “It was a great day,” I said instead. “I really like being with you.”

  “I like being with you too,” Eden laughed.

  Why was it so hard to talk about what I felt, I wondered? “There’s more.” I forced the words out. “I’m not the same person I was when I met you.”

  “You sound serious.” Now Eden looked puzzled.

  “Before we moved here to Lodgette,” I tried to explain, “I pretty much thought everyone was just like me and my family. I was popular in school.”

  “Are you saying that if things were like they were in your old school, you wouldn’t be interested in me?” Eden almost sounded angry.

  “No!” I said. “That’s not what I’m trying to say. Since moving here, things have gotten so mixed up. For a while I didn’t understand good and bad anymore or wrong and right.”

  Eden relaxed and smiled again. She put her hands on my face. “I don’t believe there could be anything but strong, steady goodness in you. You saved my life, remember?”

  “I’m serious,” I said.

  Just then Eden’s mother opened the door. She called out, “Eden, it’s getting late. You’d better take Ben home now.”

  “I’ll just run in and get my heavy jacket,” Eden told me, and she slid out of the car.

  While she was inside I tried to arrange my thoughts. I was determined to be honest with her. After five minutes and no sign of Eden I began to wonder what was taking so long.

  When she finally came back out, she walked slowly, looking at the ground. Her jacket was draped over her arm. Eden got into the car and started it as if she were a zombie.

  “What’s the matter?” I asked.

  She backed out of the driveway without answering.

  “What did I say?” Panic came over me. How could she have changed so fast?

  “It’s this,” she said, and she pulled a neon blue sheet of paper from under the folded jacket. She placed the sheet on my leg. I couldn’t touch it. I knew what it was.

  “My mom said someone put it on her car at the same store where we saw David and your two friends passing out flyers.”

  I felt hot and cold all over, as if I were burning with fever. Now I unfolded the flyer and finished reading the parts I had not been able to when I found it in David’s pocket. There was not a group of people the flyer did not list as enemies. Jews, of course, headed the list, but they were followed by blacks, homosexuals, Asians and people of mixed race. I could hear Lonn’s voice, the same one he had used at all the meetings, behind each word. I wondered how that voice, for a short instant, had captured me and lifted me above my unhappiness.

  “This is what you meant when you said you used to be different, isn’t it?”

  “Yes,” I told her.

  “You were part of this.” It wasn’t a question.

  “Yes. But only at first.”

  “How could you? How could you believe what this says?”

  “Lonn makes it sound absolutely real. If you’re angry or scared, he tells you why. Like my dad. He lost his job managing a ranch. That’s all he knows how to do. Instead of suggesting that he go learn something new, Lonn says, ‘It’s not your fault.’ He says it’s the Jews, Mexicans, blacks or homos, whatever group that will make you listen. It was so much easier to just blame someone else for our problems than to solve them.”

  “Is this why you were so interested in Trenton Biggs?” Eden asked in a quiet voice.

  This is it, I thought. I have to rip open my gut here and let her see me bleed. “Lonn does more than just hand out flyers and tell guys what they want to hear. He gets guys to go out and do stuff, like throw rocks through Trenton’s windows, paint graffiti and worse. I set a Jewish lawyer’s car on fire.”

  “I’m part Jewish.” Eden sounded very offended now; her voice level was rising. “You didn’t know that, did you? I even have relatives who died in the concentration camps.” She grabbed the flyer off my lap and crumpled it up.

  “I swear I’m not like that anymore,” I said desperately. We were coming close to my house and I knew I had to make her understand. “At first, going out and doing that stuff was like a release. I felt I had some power over my life. But then David started doing it and it was like watching a movie of myself. I didn’t like it.”

  “Do your parents know about this? Did you go to the police? Tell them what this Lonn guy is doing?”

  “No, my parents don’t know. At least I hope they don’t. When I tried to get David to stop he let me know he was just following in his big brother’s footsteps.”

  Eden was silent, a blank silhouette beside me in the dark car. My voice started to sound as if I was begging. “Eden, I can’t squeal on my own brother. Even if I just told the police the stuff I did, they’ll never get Lonn. He keeps himself clear and safe.”

  Eden pulled to a stop at the bottom of my driveway. “I don’t think we should go out anymore.” Her anger didn’t crack. She was calm and sure.

  “I thought you’d understand,” I said.

  “I thought you were a hero,” she said.

  “Out of everybody, I most wanted to be honest with you,” I responded, getting angry myself. “I thought you were the one person in the world who would stand up for me and help me.”

  “Me? This is something only you can fix.” Eden looked at me, waiting for my reaction.

  I stared at my hands. Every nerve in my body went numb and my throat constricted, causing the tears to build up. “I can’t.” My voice pushed through the cramped muscles.

  “I have to tell my parents what I know about David,” Eden said. Her voice was strong. “They won’t let me go out with you.”

  I sat there silently for a minute, trying to think of something that would persuade her to stay. Finally I opened the door and got out into the darkness. The ground and air around me had never felt so bleak before. Eden drove away fast.

  Walking up the unlit drive, I went over and over what Eden had said. I knew that when Eden told her parents they would report it to the police. As I approached the trailer I heard the door open. Light from inside framed David in the doorway. He came bounding down the steps but stopped when he saw me.

  “It’s after ten. Where are you going?” I asked him, but I knew he was going to meet Chuck and Travis.

  David grinned. “Business. Big business.”

  I could see David was excited. I wondered if I should tell David that Eden’s parents might be calling the police as we spoke. After all, it was my fault that David had gotten into this. “Don’t do it, David,” I said. “It’s wrong.”

  “Wrong? I’m doing what’s right. I’m cleaning up your messes, brother.”

  Right then I knew what they were planning. The housing project. They were going to hit on my work. I chose my words carefully. “The police are going to know you were passing out those hate flyers.”

  “How could they know that?” he asked.

  I hesitated, then said, “Someone from school recognized you. I heard them talk about it.”

  “It’s that girlfriend of yours, isn’t it?” David glared at me. Then he became smug. “It doesn’t matter. There’s no law against passing out flyers. Free speech, remember?”

  “Don’t be stupid, David. It’s not going to take the police long to put things together. They’ll figure out you’re connected with the graffiti and the mess at the cemetery. If you do something more tonight, they’ll be on you faster than a crazy bull.”

  “They’ll be after you too,” David said, still smug. He pointed a finger at my chest. “Or have you forgotten your little fun with the gun?”

  “I know,” I whispered. Behind us a car pulled into the driveway. I recognized it as Chuck’s.

  “It’s time to do battle,” David announced.

  “Don’t,” I pleaded. “Stay here.” In that second I realized that even though I had never done right by
my brother, I really loved him.

  “You don’t get it, do you?” David taunted. He moved in close to my face so that his anger rolled over my skin with his breath. “I like it! I like the feeling I get when I show the kikes and the niggers and the mudskins that I’m stronger than they are.” He turned and walked straight and swiftly to the waiting car.

  “The cops will be on your ass tonight,” I yelled. It was as useless as trying to catch snow in the palm of your hand.

  I sank down onto the wet, cold ground and felt the dampness seep into my jeans. My head fell into my hands and I knew I was crying, sobbing as if I were a little kid again. In the last thirty minutes I had lost the two people I cared about most. No matter how cold I got, I couldn’t move. It was difficult to suck enough air into my lungs.

  Time was measured only in moonlight. After what felt like seconds and weeks all at the same time I raised my head. The cottonwood trees had tiny new sprouted leaves that quivered in the silver light.

  I stood up shaky and numb. I got myself into the trailer, talking to keep myself focused. “Keys, where are the keys?” I tried to move quietly so I wouldn’t wake my folks. As I rummaged through a junk drawer I heard a noise.

  “I heard what you said to David,” Mom said from where she stood in the bedroom doorway. Tears ran down her cheeks, leaving wet trails that picked up the light from the kitchen.

  “I’ll stop him, Mom. I promise.”

  “Where is he going?” she asked, starting to move in her strong way, as if we were launching a search for lost calves on the range. She gave me hope.

  “North Nineteenth. The housing project.” I found the keys and headed for the door.

  “I’m phoning the police,” she said.

  Hesitating, I said, “Dad might not want you to.”

  She looked shocked. “Of course he will, Ben.”

  I hurried and started the truck while coasting down the driveway. I knew Chuck and David must be headed for the housing project. What were they planning on doing there?

  As the construction site came into view, I slammed on the brakes.

  “Oh, God, no!” I cried out loud. Flames were starting to rise at the base of the half-finished buildings.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Fire

  The growing flames loomed ahead as I pushed on the gas pedal. I didn’t slam on the brakes until the truck hit the sidewalk. And I was out and running across the muddy ground almost before the truck stopped completely. As I got closer I could see that it wasn’t the actual building on fire, but a pile of scrap wood set close against the building so that the fire would look like an accident.

  I kicked at the wood to scatter the burning pieces away from the walls. As soon as the building was safe my panic settled and I had to rest my hands on my knees. I took deep breaths and tried to calm my trembling.

  I heard voices from behind the building. David, Chuck and Travis along with two guys I didn’t know came into sight, laying small bundles of hay every few feet along the base of the building.

  Chuck was the first to notice that the starter fire had been snuffed. He looked around in the dim light. He saw me and yelled to David. “Damn it, Campbell. Get rid of your brother.”

  David ran over to me but I stopped him. “I’m not going to let you do it!” I yelled.

  I reached out for my brother’s shoulder, but he twitched away from me. “I’m sick of you bossing me around,” David said. “I’m making my own decisions now. I’m defending you.”

  “Me?” I yelled again. “How are you doing that?”

  “I’m destroying this project you’ve been working on to save you from getting sucked into the Jew conspiracy! A RETCH project, Ben. You remember the RETCHes? It was you who explained it to me. Now you’ve become one of their slaves, and I’m here to free you.”

  “Come on, David!” Chuck shouted to him as he squirted lighter fluid over the bundles. “It’s time.”

  Chuck, Travis and the other two started to light the saturated piles of straw. I saw the blaze being born and ran for them, pushing my brother out of the way. I tore off my jacket and hit the flames with it. The fire still spread until my coat caught fire in my hands and I had to drop it as the heat seared my arms.

  From behind, David grabbed me and pulled me down into the mud. I swung my arm and hit David in the side of the face. At the same time I felt David’s fist slam hard along my cheekbone. The pain made me dizzy and sick to my stomach. I heard myself groan as I tried to roll away. I could taste the vomit in my mouth.

  David kept hitting me even when I curled into a ball. My brother, who had always retreated at the first sign of blows, had become a fighting fanatic. Another lesson I must have taught him. As I tried to keep from passing out I could see the flames begin to feed themselves on the walls of the building.

  Then I heard the sirens. I felt David stop as he looked down the street to where the sound was coming from. “You stupid, stupid . . . ,” David hissed.

  I was about to tell David that his own mother had called the cops, but he took a step toward running away. At that instant my anger overtook my pain. All I could think of was that I wanted David to be caught. I reached, intertwined my fingers around his leg and held tight. David fell like a heavy tree. His breath shot out of him as he struck the ground.

  I then flung myself over David to keep him down. From the blackness beyond the flames I could hear Chuck and the others yelling, “Come on. Let’s get out of here.”

  David also heard them and struggled under me. Even though my lip was split I chanted to myself, “Just hold him.” Finally I saw the flashing lights gather around us.

  Then I felt arms everywhere. Four lifting me off my brother and pulling me away from the burning building. I looked around to see two policemen holding David and other cops leading Travis, Chuck and the others to the ring of police cars.

  The police were asking me questions but I couldn’t hear. My ears burst with the sound of fire sirens pulling up to the scene. I still thought I was going to be sick and I stumbled. The police tightened their grip on my arms.

  “We need a medic over here,” I heard one shout.

  It’s strange, but it wasn’t until they started to look at the burns on my arms that I was aware of any pain. When they pointed out the burns I started yelling. The paramedics immediately loaded me into an ambulance.

  At the hospital, the doctor cleaned and bandaged the burns on my arms. He also gave me something for the pain. It didn’t take long before the medication made everything feel slow and fuzzy.

  When they were finished cleaning me up and making sure nothing was broken, I was handed over to the police. A man and a woman sat me down at a table in one of the hospital conference rooms.

  “I’m Detective Harper,” the woman said. “And this is Detective O’Neill. You need to tell us what happened tonight.”

  I tried to make my brain function through the pleasant blanket of pain medicine. I slowly told them the whole story, beginning with moving to Lodgette. I was honest about what I had done with Chuck and Travis. Then I tried to explain how my feelings had changed. Telling the whole story felt like the end of winter. It felt like I was starting over new.

  “Can you tell us about Lonn Monroe’s involvement in the vandalism and violent acts?” Detective Harper asked.

  “Lonn Monroe?” My mind couldn’t focus for a moment. I didn’t think I had ever heard Lonn’s last name.

  “Lonn Monroe,” Detective O’Neill repeated. “Did he tell you to shoot into the synagogue? To set the car on fire? Did he plan it?”

  “I think so, but it was Chuck who always explained the details of what we were going to do.”

  “But Monroe knew about the incidents,” Detective Harper stated.

  “Yes,” I answered.

  The two detectives then spoke in whispers together and wrote notes for several minutes before turning back to me.

  “We believe what you’ve told us,” Detective Harper said. “Two of the other su
spects couldn’t identify you tonight.”

  I remembered the two new guys.

  “You will be expected to answer charges connected with the damage to the synagogue and the Second Street office building.” Detective Harper told me. “You’ll appear before the juvenile detention officer a week from Wednesday, nine A.M.” She handed me a paper with the time and address written on it.

  “What about my brother, David?”

  “He’s in custody,” Detective O’Neill said. That’s all they would say.

  Gathering up their files, they left, saying, “You can call your parents to come pick you up.”

  A nurse brought me a phone. I dialed the number.

  “Ben, where are you?” Mom’s voice was frightened.

  I heard myself speaking as if from a great distance. “I’m at the hospital. I’m all right. Can you come get me?”

  “Where’s David?” she asked.

  “He’s in jail,” I said.

  I could hear my mom turn away from the phone and tell Dad what I had said. There was a full silence in the background.

  But then very quietly Mom said, “Wait there. I’m going to drop your dad at the jail first, then I’ll come for you.”

  I sat in the waiting room for an hour, letting the medicine melt my insides. The nurses kept staring at me. Twice they asked when my parents would come for me. I couldn’t stand people looking at me any longer, so when the nurse at the counter was busy on the phone I quietly and quickly walked out the door.

  From the hospital I walked back toward the housing project. The fire was out when I got there. A few firemen were cleaning up. It was still a bit dark and I strained to guess how much damage had been done. Even from where I stood across the street I could see that the walls were intact. I hoped we could repair any damage.

  Our truck was no longer parked where I had left it. I figured my parents had picked it up. As I stood there, one of the firemen noticed me, so I walked away.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Daybreak