by A. E. Wasp
“Speaking of dessert, I think I will go get Jasmine and bring her back here for ice cream. She loves playing in those fountains. I’ve got the cutest pictures of her, and one day I’m going to make you look at them.”
“I promise to look at every one.”
Mikey paid, and they both walked out to the sidewalk. “Where are you parked?”
Benny pointed to a bicycle chained to a rack a few feet down the sidewalk. “It’s too nice of a day to be in a car.”
“Nice bike. I really should get me and Jasmine bikes. Teach her how to ride.”
“You should. There are some many awesome bike paths around here.”
They looked at each other from a socially-acceptable distance apart. Benny took a step closer, getting a feel for how Mikey would want to say goodbye. He was on board with a goodbye kiss. Mikey looked over at the square full of moms and kids. Benny saw one or two looking in their direction. Mikey took a half a step back and shoved his hands in his pockets. “I’ll call you tonight?”
“Yeah, sure,” Benny said. Yeah, sure, he thought. He knew a potential runner when he saw one. Mikey still wasn’t all the way in.
Mikey smiled and reached over to grab Benny’s hand. He gave it a tight squeeze. “I will call. I promise.”
Mikey felt the squeeze around his heart. “Go have fun with your kid. I may go check in on work a little bit, and then I probably will take that nap. I’m starting to get a headache from all this fresh air and sunshine.”
As Benny walked away, he dialed Honey Dijon’s number. It was still before noon in California, but she might be awake by now, and they hadn’t talked in forever. It was time to give her an update; give her some good news for a change. Benny hummed a happy song under his breath as he waited for her to pick up.
chapter five
“Ouch. Daddy that hurt.”
Michael pulled the loose-hair tool from his daughter’s hair. It was hard to stick those baby hairs back into the dreads. “Sorry, baby. I’ll be more gentle.”
“You should just take her to loctician,” Vanessa said from her perch on the arm of the easy chair. She had a one-day consulting job in Red Deer and stopped by on her way home bearing Chinese food. Tomorrow she left for Omaha for a three-week position.
Michael wanted to ask his sister if she was offering to pay for said salon visit, but he didn’t like talking about money in front of Jasmine. The death benefits from Julia, and his salary barely covered his monthly expenses. There hadn’t been any life insurance. What twenty-two year old had life insurance? Dropping out of law school meant he had to start paying those loans back. At least that was one benefit of being on the low side of the income bracket; his student loan payments weren’t too bad. He just prayed the car would hold out. “I like doing it for her. We do our hair together, right, baby?”
“Right, Daddy.”
Jasmine had started asking him to loc her hair just like his when she was three years old. He’d waited a bit but eventually gave in. It may have had something to do with how much it annoyed Julia’s parents. He loved doing her hair, loved spending the time with her, holding her. He could already see the time when she would pull away from his hugs with an embarrassed frown and run off to be with her friends. As soon as you had a kid, time sped up.
Vanessa slipped down into the chair with a sigh. “How was the rest of your weekend? We didn’t get to talk this morning.”
Michael hadn’t told her about his plans to act on his long-neglected sexual attraction to guys. They were close, but not that close. “It was good.” Life changing. “I had fun.”
He twisted the final loc into place. “All done, baby.”
“I’m not a baby,” Jasmine said, leaping up. She spun in a circle so her skirt and her hair would both swirl around her.
“I know you’re not. It just means I love you.”
“I love you, too, Daddy.” She ran over and hugged him, arms reaching around his thighs.
“Did you have fun at the Parade?”
“It was so hot!” She collapsed dramatically onto the floor.
“That is was. But fun?”
She nodded vigorously. “I liked all the rainbows and the ice cream. And the kittens.” She sat up. “Can we get a kitten?”
That was a question that got asked and answered at least three times a month. “You know we can’t. The landlord doesn’t allow pets.”
She twirled a short loc with her finger. “Then let’s move.”
“It’s not that easy.” They’d been lucky to get this place at such a low price. He had a feeling Kevin had called in some favors in order for Michael to move in as quickly as he had.
“What did you think of the parade?” It had been his first Pride event. He wasn’t sure about Vanessa, where she stood on gay rights.
She shrugged and walked into the small kitchen, putting the leftovers into the refrigerator. “I always love it. I love seeing the families. All the people out having fun. Seemed kind of corporate this year. Lots of company floats.”
He joined her in the kitchen, dumping the paper plates into the garbage. “So you’ve been before?”
“No, I’ve been living under a rock for the last ten years.”
“Fine. It was my first.”
She turned and looked at him, mouth cocked in suspicion. “Really?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
She shook her head. “Nothing.”
“Don’t nothing me.”
She shrugged a shoulder. “Just seemed like something you’d like, that’s all.”
Mikey’s stomach dropped, out of apprehension or excitement he could tell.
Jasmine stumbled into the kitchen. “I’m tired. Tell me a story?”
He sat down at the table, lifting her onto his lap. She snuggled against his chest with a sigh. God, he loved her. He kissed the top of her head, tears prickling at his eyes. How can you love something so much? Every now and then it hit Mikey that his parents must have felt like this about him. How did they survive it? He wished he had someone to share this feeling with. Someone else who loved Jasmine as much as he did.
Vanessa smiled at him softly, and he saw the love for both of them in her eyes. Thank god he had her. They were eleven months and six days apart, and he may have annoyed the crap out of her when they were kids, but since the second they’d found out Julia was pregnant, she’d been there for him. Without her, he would have given into despair and let Julia’s parents take Jasmine. It would have been the worst mistake of his life.
Which, if he thought about it, meant dating Benny had the potential to be only the second worst mistake of his life. Telling Vanessa about Benny was going to be fun. She’d liked him well enough in high school, treating him mostly like another annoying little brother, but after he had left, she had nothing but bad things to say. Mikey had thought it was because he was gay, but now that didn’t seem like a problem for Vanessa. Whatever it was it would come out soon enough. Vanessa wasn’t one to hide her feelings.
Jasmine grew heavier in his arms as she faded into sleep. Mikey stood up carrying her. “Bedtime, bunny. Give Auntie V a kiss.”
Vanessa held her arms out for a hug and a kiss. “Nite babycakes. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.”
“I won’t.”
Vanessa kissed Mikey on the cheek, too. “See you when I get back?”
“Yeah. For sure.” He’d tell her about Benny then when he had a better idea what exactly he was doing.
Vanessa left, and Mikey put Jasmine to bed.
Mikey leaned back against the couch with a sigh. Pulling off his reading glasses, he pressed his thumbs hard against spot between his eyebrows. It hurt so good. Taking out his contacts would feel even better. He wondered if Benny would like the glasses; wondered if he would laugh if he knew Mikey needed bifocals already.
Shuffling the papers into a neat pile, he shoved them back into his briefcase. Kevin didn’t ask Mikey to do work at home; he tried to give everyone a good work-lif
e balance. But Mikey couldn’t help feeling like he was short-changing his job because he had to leave to take care of Jasmine so often.
Besides, if he wanted any kind of a shot at getting back into law school, he was going to have to work harder than he had getting into it the first time. A scholarship would also be nice. The thought of taking on more debt for a profession that was far from the cash cow it had been kept him up at night.
A cold beer would hit the spot. He leaned heavily on the door as he dug through the fridge.
As the first swallow slid down his throat, he had a visceral sense memory of the taste of beer in Benny’s mouth. Arousal stabbed in his gut. Fucking Benny.
He’d never forget walking into the Quintaña kitchen, Vanessa right behind him, and seeing Benny with his hands down Clark’s pants. His first thought had been ‘Benny’s gay?’ His second was ‘why doesn’t he like me?’ Let’s just say he learned an awful lot about himself in a very short time. It had hit him like a ton of bricks that he might actually be in love with his male best friend and that scared the hell out him. Fear made him hide from Benny; ignore his calls and texts and the desperate pounding on the door.
Fear made him lose Benny as a friend and lose the potential for anything more. Now by some miracle, he had a second chance, and he wasn’t going to screw it up.
He’d loved Julia, no doubt about it. But not in the same all-encompassing, make your head spin way. He didn’t know if that was just because he’d been young and it was his first love, or if it was something about Benny. There was only one way to find out.
He got ready for bed, grabbed his phone as he slid under the covers, and dialed Benny’s number.
It was almost full dark when the phone ringing woke Benny up. He didn’t remember falling asleep. The bright light of the phone screen stabbed into his eyes, and he squinted against it while trying to read the name on the screen. Hopefully, it was Honey returning his call and not some bill collector.
It was Mikey. He punched the screen. “Hey, dude. What’s up?”
“I just put Jasmine to bed. I said I’d call. Is this a bad time?”
“No, no. It’s great. I just must have napped longer than I thought. What time is it?” He struggled up off the heavy wood frame couch. Jay-Cee’s house was an honest-to-God log cabin, decorated in the highest of red-neck hunter style. Everything that could be was made out of tree branches or antlers. The only heat came from the woodstove in the bedrooms and living room. The last gray light of the long summer twilight flowed through the thick grove of pine and aspen trees surrounding his house. A warm breeze blew through the window.
“It’s about eight-thirty. You okay?”
“Yeah. Yeah. I’m fine. Just give me a second to get my head on.” He ran his hand through his hair as he stumbled through the living room, nearly tripping over his shoes and his sketchbook that lay crumpled on the floor where he had obviously thrown it.
Oh yeah. It was coming back to him now.
“Benny?”
“I’m here. Just putting the coffee on.”
“Coffee? It’s late, you’ll be up all night.”
“Thanks, mom. I’ll make decaf.” He wouldn’t. And he would be up all night. But it felt like one of those nights he wasn’t going to get any sleep anyway. Might as well try to concentrate. “I crashed hard when I got home. Did Jasmine like her ice cream?”
“She loved it. We met some of her friends from daycare there. The moms were all over me. You should get a kid. A real babe magnet.”
Benny stood and listened to his friend’s rich voice roll over him, it slid down his ears and right into his soul. He sounded happy, and health and Benny was so glad. “Dude. You’re a fucking dad,” he said in amazement.
Mikey laughed. “I know. Can you believe it? She’s the best thing that ever happened to me, man. Best thing.”
Benny wedged the phone against his ear as he poured water into the coffee maker. “Even with what happened to her mom?”
The gurgling of the water was the only sound. Shit. He hadn’t meant to say that. It just popped out. He shut the lid of the coffee maker. “Sorry. Sorry, dude. You don’t have to say anything. How ‘bout them Broncos?”
Mikey’s snort buzzed loud through the phone. “It’s not even close to football season. Plus the Broncos suck.”
“They won the Superbowl.”
“Still suck.”
Benny walked back into the living room, turning lights on against the encroaching dusk. He picked up his poor, abused sketchbook, and sat down at the table to smooth out the pages.
“So what are you doing?”
“Ah, I was trying to draw. Try being the operative word there.” He’d been trying to recreate a few of the pictures he’d taken around the property that afternoon.
He could hear Mikey walking around his own house, and he tried to imagine what it looked like. Probably something perfect and suburban. With a pink bedroom for Jasmine and a big screen television for Mikey.
“I bet they’re fine. You always were too hard on yourself. You were the best in the school.”
Benny looked at the rough pencil sketches and frowned. “Yeah, maybe.” But he knew better. They sucked. The sketches looked like a kid had drawn them. Benny had been better in high school.
Ever since the accident, his hands had been shaky. Nine years later and he still couldn’t draw a consistently straight line. He’d thought it had been a lack of practice, but he’d been trying hard this last year, and he wasn’t seeing any improvement.
Worse yet, he just couldn’t seem to see things the way he used to. He used to be able to see the play of light and shadow and colors that made up the objects and people around him. Now, even if he could see it, he couldn’t make his brain translate it onto the paper.
“Nito? You still with me?”
“Oh, God. Yes. Sorry. Was looking at the pictures. I need some air, clear my head.” He stepped out onto the porch. The smell of warm pine needles and the singing of the nightbirds relaxed him almost immediately. The sound river running fast and high with late season snow melt drowned out the noise of the few cars driving past on their way back down the mountain. Benny loved everything about this house and couldn’t believe Jay-Cee would rather live in town in his studio.
“Where do you live?” Mikey asked him. “What part of town?”
“Southwest. By the river. On the way up to Estes.”
“Must be gorgeous.”
“It is.” Benny settled into one of the large wood framed chairs on the porch. “I don’t suppose you could come see it.” He hooked his foot around the bottom of the ottoman and pulled it towards him.
“Yeah. No problem. Let me tell wake up Jaz and tell her to call me if there’s a fire.”
“Excellent plan. So, I guess we’re going to have to start talking about things or conversations are going to be really boring.”
“Yeah. Easier on the phone. Hold on. I’m going to get a drink.”
“Okay.” Benny thought about the coffee back inside, but it seemed like too much effort to move from where he was. He reached for the old blanket he kept on the porch. The night wasn’t exactly chilly, but the weight of the blanket was comforting. He slumped down in the chair, feet hanging over the edge of the ottoman.
“Back. So what you want to talk about first?”
Might as well get the hardest one out of the way first. “Tell me about Julia.”
“What do you want to hear?”
“Anything. Whatever you want to tell me.”
Mikey was silent for a couple of seconds, but Benny didn’t mind. He felt like he couldn’t quite wake up from the nap. The darkness between the trees and the soft breezes and the sound of Mikey’s voice in his ear made him feel like he was in a dream. Nothing felt particularly real, and Benny was okay with that. Reality could be so hard sometimes.
“Well, we met in law school, got pregnant accidentally. She got diagnosed with cancer halfway through the pregnancy and decided not to trea
t it until after Jasmine was born.” Mikey tried to be matter-of-fact, but Benny could hear the crack in his voice. Yeah, reality sucked.
“After Jasmine was born she did chemo and radiation and all that. It worked for a while, and she went into remission. But, when Jasmine was 17 months old. The cancer came back. She died right around Jasmine’s second birthday.”
“Oh man, I’m so sorry. That must’ve been awful.” Benny pulled the blanket tighter around him. He lost a few friends over the years, one right in front of him, but nobody he’d loved. Not the mother of his child. “You’re a strong man, Mikey. Stronger than I could have been. I’m impressed.”
“What choice did I have? I’m all Jasmine has. When you’re a parent it’s not just about you, the kid has to come first.”
“Does Julia’s family live in Colorado? Is that why you’re here?”
“No,” Mikey said. He sounded reluctant to Benny like there was more to the story then Mikey was telling. But he wasn’t going to push it. His brain felt like mush tonight, and he just wanted to feel the breeze and hear Mikey’s voice.
“I really wish you were here. It would be so nice to sit on the porch with you and look at the stars. Not that I can see the stars from the porch, but we could go down to the river. There’s a nice rock.”
Mikey’s laugh was warm. “Are you stoned, dude?”
Benny rubbed his head and thought maybe he could use some of that coffee after all. “No, I just think I’m not feeling that well. I feel kinda spacey. Maybe I’m catching a cold.”
“Do you want me to let you go?”
“No, don’t go. Talk to me. I like hearing your voice.”
“Okay, what do you want me to talk about? Do you want me to tell you what I would do for you if I were there?”
Benny rubbed absently between his legs. Did he want that? The idea was nice, but Benny didn’t think he could get it up if someone were paying him. His head felt stuffed with cotton. “Tempting, but I think it would just make me want you more. My head hurts. Tell me something nice. Tell me something about Jasmine.”
“You don’t know what you’re asking, man. I’ll talk your ear off. I’ve got no one but the nanny to talk to about her. Julia’s parents hate me, is not easy to talk to my parents in India. And there isn’t a lot of daddy and me classes for twenty-six-year-old single dads. I went to a few.”
