The Complete Veterans Affairs Romances: Gay Military Romances

by A. E. Wasp

  Benny leaned his elbows on the workbench. “I’m afraid Mikey’s going to hate the rings, and it’s almost the only thing he’ll let me do. I don’t want to screw it up. I think he and I have different ideas of what a wedding is supposed to be like. His sounds so boring. Courthouse and brunch. Ugh.”

  Chris scowled at the monitor. “A wedding isn’t supposed to be like anything beyond you and the love of your life standing up in front of the world and saying ‘we love each other and we’re pretty sure we can beat the odds and actually do this thing’.” Chris added some lines to the design with a deft touch of the stylus.

  “So young and yet so cynical.” Benny looked at the screen. “And so talented. I hate you a little.”

  “But you love me more, right?” Chris batted his blue eyes at Benny.

  Benny wrapped his arm around Chris’ slender shoulders and knocked their heads together gently. “To the moon and back.”

  Chris kissed Benny’s cheek. “As long as you don’t have different ideas of what a marriage is supposed to be like. That’s key. I think my parents had a fab wedding, talk of the town. They just never could quite agree on what being married actually meant.”

  “Well, that’s the thing.” Benny sighed. He knew he had a not-undeserved reputation for being a drama queen, but when things were really wrong, when the problems were serious, he kept it to himself. It was hard to break that habit, but if there was anyone on the planet he trusted, it was Chris.

  Chris looked in his eyes. “Just say it.”

  “I’m not sure Mikey really wants to get married at all.” Benny hated that he could feel tears pricking at the back of his eyelids.

  Chris dropped the stylus. “Baby, that man is crazy about you. Anyone with eyes can see that. If I had someone who looked at me like that…” He shook his head.

  Jay-Cee, the sculptor who owned the studio, came down the stairs from his apartment above the studio. His silver-gray hair was pulled back into a bun, and he wore his usual overalls with no shirt. Tattoos covered every visible piece of skin, even crawling up his neck and down his knuckles. His bare feet make almost no noise on the wooden steps. Chris’ gaze snapped up.

  “Do you have a minute, Christopher?” Jay-Cee asked, stopping halfway down the stairs.

  Chris pushed away from the table. “Of course.” He turned back to Benny. “You good here?”

  “Fabulous.” He watched Chris walk up the stair, eyes locked on Jay-Cee. Turning back to his design, Benny shook his head. Talk about things anyone with eyes could see.

  chapter five - family matters

  Mikey stared at the beige walls in his office, not focusing on anything in particular. A million different things called for his attention. Pieces of paper stuck out from the top of his planner. Yellow, blue, and pink post-it notes lined his computer monitor. He couldn’t bring himself to deal with any of it.

  Trying to plan a wedding in five weeks was pointless. No way would it come together. He’d just have a talk with Benny and explain why they needed to reschedule. Maybe Spring would be better. Or Summer.

  He had real work to do anyway. Shoving the planner to the side, he pulled the top legal file off the stack on his desk. Somebody else’s problems would distract him for a while anyway.

  The phone ringing pulled him out of the labyrinth of paperwork he’d been trying to get straight. No wonder the client was confused, he could barely figure out what the courts were asking for this time. He picked up on the phone. “Michael Washington.”

  “Hey, Mikey.”

  “Vanessa, thank God.” At least she wouldn’t have demands he needed to meet.

  “Stressing a bit, little brother?” She sounded confident and relaxed, which is how he always thought of her. Vanessa was his rock.

  “Just a bit. Work.” He shut the file.

  “Well, you’re in luck. I’m calling to rescue you. Want to grab some lunch with me? I’m working near you today, and I actually have a lunch break today.”

  Mikey looked at the clock on the wall. How had it gotten so late? “Yeah, sounds great. Where do you want to eat? Someplace quick.”

  “I’m at the north end of town. How about Qdoba?”

  “Classy.” Though a burrito did sound good.

  “Quick, delicious, and cheap, you snob. Be there or be square.”

  “I’ll be there. See you soon.” Hanging up, he slid the planner towards him with a sigh. Maybe he’d make some calls at lunch.

  Mikey stared at the overhead menu as the line of people shuffled forward. When it was his turn, he ordered, answering questions as he moved down the burrito assembly line. White rice, not brown, black beans not pinto, Tequila-Lime chicken, yes on the queso, no on the sour cream, and guac on the side. The relentless bright overhead lighting grated on his nerves, and the fake plastic cheerfulness of the place made him miss the taquerias of his hometown.

  “Do you ever miss Hobbs?” he asked Vanessa as he poked through his burrito and picked out pieces of chicken tasting of neither tequila nor lime.

  “As in Hobbs, New Mexico? Not really.” Looking down at her plate, she shrugged. “The food, yes.”

  Mikey tossed his tie over his shoulder and forced himself to eat a few bites. He prodded his burrito with the plastic fork.

  Vanessa pointed at her bowl of rice, bean, and meat. “Why do you always get a burrito if you’re just going to unwrap it anyway? Just order it in a bowl.”

  Mikey sighed. “I forget they exist. Is it even a burrito anymore if it’s in a bowl?”

  Vanessa shrugged. “Tasty either way. So what’s bugging you?”

  “Just busy.” The chattering voices echoed off the hard metal walls, giving him an excuse not to speak more.

  Vanessa eyed him over the edge of her cup, straw between her teeth. It squeaked against the plastic lid as she pulled it up and down. She knew how much that irritated him. “Don’t give me that. What’s going on with the wedding?” At 5’ 10” Vanessa was almost as tall as Mikey was and she was in her best suit and what she called her power jewelry. Even Mikey found her a little intimidating sometimes. It was hard to not answer her, and she had never backed down from a hard conversation in her life.

  Mikey shrugged. “Not much.” He shifted in his seat. It was so hard to get comfortable on these hard benches. “Five weeks is really short notice, and I can’t find a nice place to have it, especially on Valentine’s Day. There’s no place decent that has any openings for a group of people. Oh, you’ll love this, Vincent offered his place. Said we could have the reception there.” Vanessa at least would get why that would never work.

  “I think it’s a great idea.” She nibbled at the edge of an over-filled chip, somehow managing not to drop even a grain of rice.

  Mikey stared at her. “It’s a bar, V.”

  “It’s a pub, and it’s cute. It would be fun. Besides, not to be too nosy, but what’s your budget?”

  Mikey sighed.

  She shook her head. “Yeah, that’s what I thought. It’s a party, Mikey. You, the people you love, celebrating.”

  Mikey leaned against the back of the bench. “I just think we should have some class. What is wrong with that?” His voice rose over the hubbub of the crowd.

  “Nothing. It’s just sometimes you need to examine your priorities.” Vanessa poked at her food, picking out the meat, then the beans.

  Mikey tried to push down his anger. She meant well. Why was everybody pressuring him about this?

  Vanessa popped a forkful of rice in her mouth, then her hand went to the necklace she was wearing, dragging the pendant back and forth on the chain. The burr of metal on metal got Mikey’s attention. Uh oh. That was never a good sign. It meant Vanessa was nervous. Vanessa almost never got nervous.

  “What?” he asked warily.

  “So. I called mom and dad.”

  Mikey groaned, giving an eye roll that would do Benny proud. “Why did you do that?”

  “Believe it or not, I talk to them about once a week. I mentioned
the wedding. Imagine my surprise when they didn’t know anything about it. They didn’t even know you and Benny were together.” She leaned forward over the table. “What the fuck, Michael?”

  Mikey knew he had no good excuse. He just hadn’t been able to find a way to work it into the conversation. Yeah, it sounded like a lame excuse even to himself. His only defense was the truth. “I didn’t want to deal with their reaction. I assumed they would be less than happy.” He busied himself carving off a piece of his burrito, so he didn’t have to look at her. “Were they?”

  Vanessa threw up her hands. “Well, they weren’t happy to hear it second hand.”

  “Did they talk shit about Benny? They’ve never been his biggest fans.” Benny knew how the Washingtons felt about him. Growing up, it had amused him to be super polite and saccharine sweet around Mikey’s parents, so they had no real reason to call him out no his behavior. They just thought Benny was kind of a bad influence in general.

  “They were kind of all-around annoyed. It was kind of hard to tell if it was just the ‘gay now’ thing or if was the ‘gay with Benny’ thing.” She fixed him with a hard stare.

  Mikey tipped his waxy paper cup at her. “Not gay. Still bisexual.” Was he going to have to say that for the rest of his life?

  Vanessa shook her head. “Whatever. I don’t think it matters to them. They weren’t about to parse that nuance.”

  “Yeah, well, it matters to me. It mattered to Julia.” He stabbed angrily at his chicken.

  Vanessa leaned back in her seat. “I really think you should talk to them. At least invite them to the wedding.”

  “What’s the point? They’re going to fly eight thousand miles from New Delhi for what? We’ll probably just have a courthouse wedding and do a short lunch. Think you can get off work on Valentine’s Day? It’s a Tuesday. What am I saying? Even the courthouse is probably packed on Valentine’s Day.” He threw his fork down in disgust, the plastic clattering on the table top. “Can’t you just marry us? Get ordained on the Internet or something.”

  Vanessa stared at him. “Have you lost your mind?” She leaned forward again, voice deadly serious. “What the hell is going on with you?”

  “Nothing! I just want everything to be nice. Is that a crime?” His leg vibrated under the table with the nervous energy coursing through his body. He really needed to end this conversation. “I don’t understand why we have to rush it anyway. If we wait a little bit, we can have a small elegant wedding. Just wait.” He rubbed his hand across his mouth. “Julia and I,” he stopped and looked away.

  Vanessa reached across the table and took his hand, giving him a gentle squeeze. “Julia and you what?”

  “Julia and I were going to use this little place in Masonville. We were going to have a small ceremony with her parents, our parents, you of course, and just a few of our friends. Baby Jasmine was—,” his throat closed up, and he couldn’t finish the sentence. To his horror, he felt tears spring to his eyes. He slid out of the booth abruptly and walked out of the restaurant.

  It was one of those warm Colorado winter days that felt like spring. The temperature had risen to almost fifty degrees, and most of the snow on the south-facing laws had melted. People sat at the outdoor tables, the heartiest of them in shirtsleeves, enjoying the sun even though the metal was cold on their legs.

  Mikey paced up and down the sidewalk in front of the store, rubbing at his eyes. His long overcoat flapped behind him as he stalked the flagstone path.

  Vanessa came out carrying two full cups. She held one out to him. “It’s water. You look like you could use it.”

  They stood side by side in silence, leaning against the low stone wall surrounding the restaurant. The sun felt good on Mikey’s skin, and he tilted his head up to it, seeing red behind his closed eyelids.

  Vanessa slid sideways into him, her arm pressing against his. “So do you want to talk about it?”

  Mikey shook his head. “No.”

  “Don’t you think you should talk about it?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Then I have just one question. Do you really want to marry Benny?”

  Mikey’s first impulse was to jump in with an offended ‘of course I do!’ but he owed it to Benny and Jasmine and himself to really, really think about it. What did it mean to be married? He had been focusing on the wedding itself because it was easier in a way than thinking about what came next. Focusing on the minute details instead of the symbolism.

  This thing with Benny was so unexpected, so new, and it had happened so quickly. It had felt as inevitable and landscape-changing as an avalanche or a tsunami. With Julia, it had been different. Maybe they hadn’t been in love at the beginning when she got pregnant. But he had come to love her; the beautiful girl with her quick mind, and her wicked sense of humor. Since they already had a baby together, marriage had seemed like the perfect way to build the family. But then the cancer had come back, and with that, her best chance at affording the medical care she’d needed was to stay on her parents’ health insurance. To stay on her parents’ insurance at twenty-two, she had to be single, so they never did get married. And then she had fucking died anyway.

  None of that was Benny’s fault. It had happened years before Benny had come back into Mikey’s life. That didn’t mean Mikey was any less terrified of the future.

  “I don’t not want to be married to Benny,” he said, searching for the words. “I love him, and I want him around for a long time. I think. But how do you know? How can we say now, today, that this is going to be forever? And how can I promise that in front of all my friends and family, and then when he leaves me they all know.”

  Vanessa pulled him into a one-armed hug, squeezing him hard. “Oh, baby brother, there are no guarantees in this life. You know that more than anyone. All we can do is plan and then roll with the punches. Now I’m not married, I’m not even dating anyone, so I’m no expert.” Her mouth quirked up in a self-deprecating grin. “But I’m pretty sure that you can’t do this halfway. You either marry the man, or you let him go. And I know there is not one part of you that wants to let him go right now. That Benny just gets under your skin and sticks like a burr.”

  Mikey laughed. That was a perfect description of Benny. Mikey pictured going home to a house that didn’t have Benny in it. His stomach clenched at the thought. “God no,” he said to Vanessa. “I can’t even imagine where I’d be without him.”

  “Then what are you worried about? What’s the real problem here?” Vanessa pulled her coat around her as the sun went behind a cloud.

  “Are you my psychiatrist now?”

  “No. I’m your big sister. It’s worse. Psychiatrists only give you fifty-five minutes. I will hound you until you die. So what’s the issue?”

  Mikey pushed away from the wall. “Do you think — I mean, is it too soon?” It sounded stupid even in his head now that he had pulled it out into the light. But it felt in a way like he was cheating on Julia even though she had died more than two years ago. Cheating not by being with Benny, but by having the wedding they had never had.

  Vanessa knew him well enough to get at the heart of what he was asking. “You mean, is it too soon for Julia? Is it not fair?”

  Yes, that’s what it was. It was unfair. Mikey realized he’d been holding in some real anger. He thought he would be over this, but apparently, grief had a way of sneaking up on you, of ambushing you when you least expected it.

  “Yes, damn it. It’s not fair. It’s not fair that Julia had to die. It’s not fair she didn’t get her wedding, and it’s not fair Jasmine doesn’t have a mother. None of it is fair. And why do I have to feel guilty about it, and why do I have to risk hurting the man I love?” Mikey scrubbed his face with his hand. “I know he’s hurting, I can see it in his eyes. I’m ruining this whole experience for him. He’s all excited and trying to get me involved in the planning, and I’m just being a dick. And it’s not fair to him.” He stalked the path, weaving a tight path from one end of the wall
to the other, waving his arms back and forth like a crazy person while Vanessa gazed at him compassionately.

  He stopped in front of her, wiping tears of anger from his face. He couldn’t even care that the people at the nearby tables were staring at him, not even trying to hide that they were listening to his conversation.

  Vanessa held her arms open, and he walked into her embrace. She murmured soothing sounds while patting his back, and it felt better than he would’ve thought it would. “It’s okay baby,” she said. “It’s not fair. You’re right, none of it is fair. But please don’t let the past pain steal your joy now. I know it’s a cliché, but Julia would want you to be happy. I think you should go all out. Make it a wedding and a party that she’ll see from wherever she is. And she’ll know you’re happy, and you’re loved, and she’ll know that Jasmine is in good hands. Because you’re an excellent father. And that crazy fiancé of yours is surprisingly great with her.”

  Mikey nodded against her shoulder. Then pulled away, wiping his eyes for the third time that lunch. Vanessa pulled a wad of napkins out of her pocket and handed them to him.

  “Thanks, V. You’re always so prepared.”

  “Someone has to take care of you.” She smiled, and her eyes were bright with unshed tears.

  Mikey sniffed. “Was making me break down in Qdoba part of your plan?”

  “Only partially. I really wanted a burrito bowl.” She smiled at him. “Feel a little better?”

  Mikey did. It was as if airing his fears, bringing them out to the light, had stripped them of their power. Now that he’d said the worst thing out loud and the world hadn’t ended, he thought that maybe he could do this. “I have to talk to Benny,” he said.

  “Yeah, I think so.”

  Mikey was suddenly hungry again. “I don’t suppose you grabbed the leftover burrito?”

  Vanessa lifted up a bag from the ground that he hadn’t seen. “I always take care of you.”

  He kissed her on the cheek. “You’re the best.”