She shook her head but she opened the door. She wouldn’t look at him, but her hand brushed at her cheeks again. He followed her inside. It felt good to be home. The floor-to-ceiling windows in the living room let in the early-afternoon light. The house smelled clean. It looked as if he’d just been here. But he knew that the only ones who’d been here were his brothers, feeding animals and checking on the place while Blake stayed in Tulsa with Lindsey. And Jana.
He’d been released from the hospital a few short days after the surgery. Lindsey had been kept longer, to make sure there were no signs of rejection.
Jana had walked away from him. He leaned the suitcases against the wall and followed. She was standing in the dining room looking out the window, appearing to really enjoy the view of the Oklahoma fields.
“Jana?”
She shook her head but she couldn’t face him. Her hand came up again, swiping at her cheek. She sniffled. He let out a long sigh, because he wasn’t sure if he was ready to pretend the past ten years hadn’t happened.
There had been times in the past couple of weeks that it had felt right, having Jana and Lindsey back in his life. Talking, sharing moments, and he’d thought that maybe they could go back to the way things were.
Then he’d look at his daughter, now almost thirteen, and he would think about all of the lost years.
From the front porch he heard Lindsey’s laughter, the dog’s high-pitched bark. Jana was leaning against the window, hugging herself tight as her shoulders shook.
His heart gave in a little. “She’s going to be fine.”
“I know she is. But—” she shrugged “—I did this to her. I took her away from here, from her family.”
“She’s happy, Jana. I guess you can’t miss out on something you’ve never known.”
She turned to face him, wiping away the last traces of tears as the front door banged shut and Lindsey called out, asking where they’d gone to.
“I hope you’re right, because I don’t want to lose her.” Jana stepped past him, smiling at their daughter. “I think you should probably take a nap.”
Lindsey’s gaze flew to Blake. “I just got here. I’m not tired.”
“You’ve had a long day.”
“But I want to see the horses and the stables. Nan said I could come over when I got back.”
“Right, and you will do all of that, Lindsey. But not today. Today you rest.” Jana’s voice was strong again.
“What do you think, Blake?”
Blake didn’t know how to step in, what role to fill. For years he’d been a single man searching for his family. How did he suddenly become the father? After years of parenting alone, would Jana let him take that place? How did a man step in as a father after years of being absent from his daughter’s life?
His daughter looked his way, wanting him to be on her side.
“Lindsey, I think you should listen to your mom. As a matter of fact, I’ll probably head home for a nap myself.” He heard himself say the words with the strong, fatherly voice he’d learned from his own dad. He knew how the job was done, even if he was years out of practice.
“Home?” Lindsey looked from him to her mother. “Isn’t this your home?”
Both Jana and Lindsey looked at him with questions in their eyes.
“It is my home, but for the time being, it’s where you and your mom will stay. I’m staying at the ranch with my parents.”
“Why aren’t you staying here?”
“Because,” he said, wondering if that was a good enough answer. He’d heard parents say it. Because I said so. Lindsey didn’t look like a kid who would accept things just because he said so.
“Because...?” Lindsey looked determined, her chin raised a notch.
Jana smiled at him now, humor flickering in her blue eyes. Yeah, of course she was amused. He almost smiled back. And smiling was the last thing he wanted to do when it came to Jana.
“Because your mom and I aren’t married, Lindsey.” He saw the surprise on Jana’s face. Had it never occurred to her that he would file for divorce?
“But you were. And this is your house.”
“Yes, this is my house. It’s a complicated situation, so for now we’ll just deal with it one day at a time.”
Lindsey walked away, back to the living room. She looked around the big open room and eventually settled in a chair by the window. He would give her anything. But he couldn’t give her two parents who were going to live together. He wanted her to have what he’d had growing up—two parents, a big family.
“Lindsey, you have to understand.” Jana sat on the sofa close to the chair where her daughter sat curled up.
“I do understand.” Lindsey didn’t cry but her voice wobbled. “I understand that I don’t have a family. I understand that you might decide in the next few weeks that we’re not staying here, either. Because we never get to stay anywhere. I’m tired of leaving places, and friends. Most of all, I don’t want to lose my dad again.”
Blake’s thoughts exactly. He brushed a hand through his hair and sank into the leather recliner that he hadn’t spent enough time sitting in. Come to think of it, he rarely spent time in this house. There were too many memories here. Memories of a marriage that had once been amazing, and then quickly over. All in a matter of a few years. He had memories of waving goodbye to his daughter, then of coming home to nothing.
He didn’t blame Lindsey for her anger, for her mistrust. His gaze settled on Jana. She’d bitten down on her bottom lip and pain settled in her eyes.
“We’re not leaving.” Jana’s voice was tight but determined. “I’m not going to do that to you again.”
“But you didn’t like it here before.” Lindsey said the words he’d been thinking.
He remembered Jana telling him in the weeks before she left that she felt suffocated in Dawson, suffocated by his family and by church.
No matter how he felt about Jana, he could deal with it. He had dealt with it for years. He’d managed to work past his anger. Now his job was to help his daughter feel secure.
“Your mom won’t leave, Lindsey.” He sat forward. “She loves you and she won’t leave. We have to trust her.”
He had to trust her. For Lindsey’s sake. Because if Lindsey saw him trusting, she would trust.
Lindsey looked from him to her mom. She had the MP3 player Mia had given her and she was fiddling with the cords. “Mom, I just don’t want to leave. Not now, not ever.”
“I know, and neither do I,” Jana leaned to hug her daughter. “I promise.”
Lindsey nodded, her eyes looking droopy, even to an inexperienced dad. He smiled at her, and she gave him a sleepy smile in return. But he could see in her expression that she believed her mom.
“I’m going to make coffee. Do you want a cup?” Jana offered as she stood in the center of the room looking adrift, not knowing what to do next.
“I’m not drinking a lot of coffee these days.”
“Right, sorry.” She turned to their daughter and Blake watched her face go soft. Lindsey was already asleep. Jana pulled a blanket off the back of the chair and covered their daughter. “I won’t leave, Blake.”
He nodded, because for Lindsey’s sake he would make an effort to trust. But the difference between now and ten years ago was if she left, she wouldn’t be able to take his daughter. She’d have to go alone.
* * *
“I’ll get your water. Do you need anything else?” Jana stood in the center of the living room. The furniture was new and Blake had replaced the area rugs. He’d never liked the area rugs she picked. He’d told her then that they didn’t match this home.
The rugs, like Jana, had been out of place here in the country. The one thing that both she and Blake had loved were the windows that soared twenty feet, giving them an am
azing view of the countryside.
It was no longer her home. The little touches that had been hers were gone. The only thing that hadn’t changed was their daughter’s bedroom, with the twin bed covered in a quilt his mother had made. There were stuffed animals, just as they’d left them, and a dollhouse fit for a princess.
If she stayed in Dawson she’d have to get her own place. But first she’d have to get a job. The money left in trust by her parents was running low. She knew if Blake found out he’d suspect her of coming back to Oklahoma for money. Nothing could be further from the truth. She’d used her money to pay for Lindsey’s health care. She’d known all along that after Lindsey’s transplant she’d have to get a job.
She’d buy a little house in Dawson. She’d attend church. She would make this community her home.
Blake’s eyes were closed. She watched him for a moment, lost in thought. She’d always known he was a good man. Someone steady and dependable, a man you could count on.
For another few minutes she watched him in the chair, stretched out, his eyes shut, his breathing growing deep. Finally she walked away.
When she returned with the water, Blake was asleep. She pulled an afghan off the back of the sofa and draped it over him. She hesitated for a moment and then touched his cheek.
Oh, she was sorry, so very sorry. But she knew he wouldn’t believe her. He would believe that she had needed his help for Lindsey’s sake. He might even believe that she’d fallen on hard times and that had forced her to come running back to him. But would he ever believe how much she regretted leaving?
She moved her hand and shifted her attention from Blake to their daughter. She watched the easy breaths of a deep sleep. Jana had always watched Lindsey breathe. Moms did that. She was sure they all did. But in the past year she’d watched for different reasons. Because she needed to know that her daughter would take that next breath.
She’d spent a lot of time praying. For her daughter, for herself. She’d prayed about coming back to Dawson because she’d known that showing up in Oklahoma had several possible outcomes. Her biggest fear had been that Blake would have her arrested and she wouldn’t be able to watch over Lindsey.
She would have gone to jail. To keep Lindsey alive, she would have done anything, even that.
As Blake and Lindsey slept, she slipped out of the house, needing a moment to clear her head. She walked toward the barn. The dog, Sam, fell in beside her. The border collie raced ahead, found a stick and came back. Jana reached for the stick but Sam pulled away, unwilling to let her have his toy. The dog plopped to the ground, his paws holding the stick as he gnawed on it.
In the fields horses grazed. A few cattle dotted the far pasture. She stood at the corral fence watching a pony chomp on tufts of spring grass. She wasn’t sure, but she thought it might be the same pony Blake had bought Lindsey when she turned two. The little animal with the shaggy gray mane and darker gray coat looked up, watching her with an eager curiosity.
It chewed the last bite of grass and then ambled toward her. His dark eyes watched her, curious, intent.
“Billy Joe.” She remembered his name. His ears twitched, and he shoved his velvety nose at her, wanting attention.
Tears overflowed her eyes. Blake had kept the pony for ten years, waiting for his daughter to return. She reached through the fence and pulled the face of the pony close, breathing in his horse scent. She brushed the tears away. The pony slipped from her grasp, more interested in grazing the fresh shoots of spring grass.
Jana closed her eyes, praying her family would be healed. This was a new prayer for her. She’d prayed for Lindsey, for a kidney and that Blake wouldn’t have her arrested. She hadn’t ever thought that her heart would still be so attached to the man who had been her husband.
Footsteps crunched in the gravel behind her. She waited, knowing it would be Blake.
“He’s getting old,” Blake said as he walked up. “But I couldn’t let him go.”
“I know.” She swallowed and blinked quick to rid her eyes of more tears.
He cleared his throat. “I should have told you about the divorce.”
“I was gone. You had every right to move on.”
“I haven’t really moved on.” He looked away, leaving her to wonder about that statement. She wanted to ask why, but she didn’t dare.
“Mia told me you had found us.”
“She did, did she?”
“Yes. Were you going to take Lindsey?”
“I don’t know.” He stepped away from the fence. “Maybe. But I didn’t get the chance. You were gone before I could get there. It was last fall.”
“We were in Europe by then, looking for doctors.”
They started back toward the house, the dog walking next to Blake. He pulled keys out of his pocket. “I’m going to head to Cooper Creek. Is there anything you need before I go?”
She wanted to tell him to stay with them, not to go. Lindsey would wake up and wonder where he had gone. Jana knew the right thing to do, even though it wouldn’t be the easy one.
“You stay here. I’ll go to the ranch,” she offered.
Blake stopped walking. Instead of looking thankful, he looked suspicious.
“Don’t look at me like that, Blake. I’m not going to bring my sick daughter to you and then leave town. I’m offering you the opportunity to stay with her. I know she wants to be with you.”
His features relaxed. “She needs you, too.”
“I want to believe that. But I don’t know if she wants to need me right now. I knew that when I made this decision I’d have to deal with her anger. I knew it would hurt.”
“She’ll work through it.”
“I hope.”
“We all will.” He stopped next to his truck. “We’re going to have to sit down and talk about the future, and what we’re going to do.”
“Do you plan on trying to get custody of Lindsey?” Her voice shook. So did her legs.
“According to U.S. law, I have custody. My lawyer took care of that when he finalized our divorce.”
Her hands went numb as she stood there looking up at him, trying to breathe. He could take Lindsey. Of course she knew that, but hearing it was another story. She closed her eyes and fought a wave of nausea.
“Jana, I won’t take her.” His voice, low and husky, soothed, even if that wasn’t his intention. She opened her eyes and stared up at him.
“Thank you.”
“She’s going to have a long road ahead of her. I think for now we work as a team, not as a divided family. We’ll go to doctor’s appointments together. I think it would be good if the two of you were a part of the Cooper family.”
“I don’t want her to get the wrong idea. About us, I mean.”
Blake didn’t smile. She wanted him to smile. She wanted the tense lines in his face to relax. Time, she told herself. Everything would take time. She would relax and stop feeling like a cornered rabbit. He would stop looking angry. Time. Their daughter would feel secure in time.
“Maybe the best plan would be for us to sit down and talk to her,” Jana suggested. “She’s almost thirteen. She knows how life works. I think she has a good idea of what happened between us, and she’ll understand that we’re here for her. It isn’t about us.”
“I think that’s a good idea.” He reached for the door of the truck. “I’ve got something I need to take care of, so I’ll be back in the morning. If you need anything, call my cell phone.”
She nodded and backed away from the truck, from the man whose arms she might have turned to, had things been different.
Now she knew that she didn’t have the right to reach out to him, to need him, to turn to him. She didn’t have the right to question where, or who, he was going to when he left them.
“I’ll see you tomorrow.” S
he smiled, trying to make it seem easy.
He got behind the wheel of the truck. “Call. I’m just a few minutes away.”
“I will. And you, too. I mean, if you need anything.”
She stood in the yard of what had once been her house and watched his truck go down the drive. When she walked back toward the house, Lindsey was in the doorway.
“Where’s he going?”
“Back to Cooper Creek.”
“He didn’t say goodbye.”
“He thought you were sleeping.”
Lindsey bit down on her bottom lip, but her eyes were foggy, and even though she looked better than she had two weeks ago, she still looked frail. Jana put an arm around her daughter and led her back to the couch.
“He’ll be back tomorrow.” She sat down next to Lindsey.
“I don’t understand why he can’t just stay here.”
Jana sighed, because they were going to have to have this discussion now.
“Lindsey, we’re here because I wanted you to know your dad again. What I did was wrong. It doesn’t matter why I did it or what I felt at the time, it was the worst thing I could have done to you and to your dad. But your father and I are not a couple.”
“But we’re back.” Lindsey sobbed the words. “We’re back and you still love him.”
Jana didn’t answer. What could she say to that? Acknowledge that her daughter was right? Deny it because it would be easier in the long run?
She decided to change the subject. “What do you want to eat? Angie said she stocked the freezer, and there are plenty of good, healthy snacks in the cabinets.”
Lindsey shrugged but Jana could see the wheels working. Her daughter was processing her new life, her parents’ relationship. Of course she would eventually come to terms with the situation. Jana knew her daughter was good at adapting.
If only Jana had the same skills. Life would be so much easier if she could adapt to Blake being back in her life. He was a stranger. And yet, he wasn’t.
He was her husband. Ex-husband, she corrected herself. It hurt, the way the truth was supposed to hurt. All of these years of being apart and her heart still wanted to claim him as her own.
Love Inspired February 2014 - Bundle 1 of 2: The Cowboy's Reunited FamilyThe Forest Ranger's ReturnMommy Wanted Page 5
