Nightlight

by The Harvard Lampoon

  I felt my entire monster-hierarchy, with Edwart Vampires at the top, realigning dramatically. “But what about the time that we were talking about different kinds of blood and you kept talking about how each one has its own unique merits, just like different types of wine you said, and then you went on like a fifteen-minute rant about blood homogenization, and then you went into that elaborate mnemonic about the various steps to take while drinking blood? You know, the five S’s: suck, sip, swirl … swirl again … and then…”

  “Simmer.”

  “Yeah, simmer.”

  “Wasn’t there another one?”

  “I think so—I have it written down on some little cards at home.”

  “So then how are you not a vampire?” I asked, purposefully not inflecting my voice at the end of my question for a lawyer effect.

  “Belle, I’m … I’m sorry. I’m not a vampire. I’m only a moderate blood drinker. I like my hamburgers medium-rare.”

  “Okay, we all set?” asked Josh, tossing another shriveled mole onto a pile. How civilized, I thought, to have a designated place for appetizer-refuse, just like a good host providing a bowl to put shrimp tails in.

  “I guess so,” I said. “Get him, Edwart!”

  “No Belle—I can’t fight a monster! I will never live up to your abnormal and perverse fantasies!”

  That hurt. Plenty of teenage girls wished their boyfriends were vampires. Durkheim would blame the values of society for this. I pretty much agreed the problem came from some other place external to my brain.

  “I’m getting the hell out of here!” Edwart said, beginning to back away. “If you love me, let’s go!”

  “But Edwart!” I called after him. “We have to defeat this vampire! Are you just going to leave me alone here with him?”

  “Isn’t that what you want?”

  Well that proved it. A real vampire would have been sucking my blood as he said this. I watched as Edwart disappeared into the fog, this time not in a magical way but in a loud, falling way, signifying that he had tripped over a gravestone. Josh and I watched as he reappeared, hurdling over the gravestones as he jogged. Each time he fell, he screamed, looked back over his shoulder at us, and clambered up to his pigeon-toed feet.

  Josh and I sat there, an awkward silence quickly setting in. I took out my little Edwart-keepsake knapsack. I hated to do this in front of a stranger, but I needed some release. Determinedly, I began to burn the items one-by-one: my biology lab report, my stuffed Dracula, some firewood I chopped during our hiking trip, the chunk of hair I pulled from that waitress at Buca di Beppo. I felt better after that.

  “Hmm,” I said cheerfully, “should we tell ghost stories?”

  “I’m not sure you’re aware of the peril of your situation, Belle. You see—I am a hungry, amoral vampire, and you are a vulnerable, blood-filled mortal girl. Nonetheless, I would like to share with you one ghost story. I call this story, ‘The Tale of the Long Ago Locket,’” Josh said in a shaky ghost voice.

  I had definitely heard that story before. I hummed to keep myself from falling asleep.

  “What’s the matter?” asked Josh. “Aren’t you interested? It’s a really scary story.”

  “I know it is. I saw it on an episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark?”

  Josh glowered at me. “Most sad,” he said. “It’s too bad you know so much about ghost stories. Tell me, do you know what a mortal girl’s best means of survival is when a vampire advances?” he asked, advancing.

  I yawned. “Yeah, I think I’ve seen that episode too.”

  He leaned in close. “Run. The answer is, run,” he said, crouching down into pre-pounce position.

  Suddenly, I panicked, rolling out of post-pounce position. This was wrong, all wrong! I was supposed to be bitten by Edwart and become a vampire myself! I wasn’t supposed to be bitten by some strange vampire and die! Everyone knows there is a fine, finicky line between eternal-life-as-vampire v. death-as-a-human.

  “I hope you like dying.” Josh spoke calmly and confidently, like the way you might speak to your mashed potatoes.

  As he took another step towards me, out of the corner of my eye I saw Edwart, bruised and battered after finally surpassing all those gravestones, fleeing out of the gate as Joshua leaned in to bite.

  9. INVITATION

  PARALYZED WITH FEAR, I STRUGGLED TO REMEMBER the rules of fighting I learned from Cardio Kicks: 1) You go girl! 2) Work it! 3) C’mon, ladies, ten more reps!

  None of those rules would work. Josh’s teeth were four inches from my throat and it was only a matter of time before he halved it, and then his teeth would only be two inches away. Then one inch. Then one-half … one-quarter … one-eighth … one-sixteenth … Suddenly, I remembered Zeno’s paradox. As long as Josh kept moving towards my throat in half integrals, he could never reach it.

  However, he did not move towards me in half integrals—he moved towards me in a single lunge. Abandoning logic, I settled for my krav maga training, picking up the bench to my left and throwing it at him. It crumbled upon impact. Of course. All the traditional glass benches in Oregon had recently been replaced with safety glass benches. Thinking fast, I squatted and jumped high to intimidate Josh with my combat training. But Josh didn’t retreat. Instead, he assumed Warrior One pose. That was my idea! My only idea.

  Well, I thought, I could always use those nunchucks I carry with me. I pulled them from my socks and began to swing them above my head. I wondered if they could twirl so much that I would be lifted from the earth, but before I could contemplate where I’d fly, Josh struck me first, hard, in the stomach.

  I flew backwards into a gravestone. Thank God I’m not in a ballet studio full of mirrors! I thought with relief. Then I heard the sweetest sound I could imagine: a deep, guttural “meow.” That’s when I knew I was dead. That sound—the only one I wanted to hear—was calling me to the only heaven I wanted to go to: Cat Heaven.

  I opened my eyes to see a black cat rubbing gently against my legs. Never mind, I was alive. No wonder I thought it was an angel; the way it purred reminded me of the way Edwart mumbled.

  That’s when I decided to really fight. I jumped up to kick Josh in the butt. I got kind of embarrassed mid-kick, though, so it ended up being more of a timid toe-tap. His butt cheeks jiggled, unscathed, sending me backwards into the empty grave he had come out of.

  I was staring at the night sky, dazed, when Josh’s head blocked my view of the moon. He swiftly moved forwards, as if to attack, but then stopped. Had my toe-tap sent him the wrong signal? He stood up straight at the edge of the grave, looking down at me. For the first time I noticed how tall he was. Actually, from where I was sitting, he seemed really, really tall. I like tall guys. The two things I look for in a guy is how tall he is and whether or not he’s a vampire. Pretty much all my crushes have been one or the other. One guy, actually, was both big and a vampire, but he turned out to be gay.

  “Die!” he growled.

  “Help!” I screamed.

  “Shhh!” everyone at the burial next to us whispered.

  “Sorry,” we said together. He pulled me out of the grave and we continued struggling in silence.

  We fought for a while, occasionally forgetting which of us was the human and which was the vampire. At one point, he was wearing my dress and I was wearing his cape. I was about to bite, but then, for a second, I thought I saw something redeemable beneath those red eyes and that cape and that face made pale by white powder.

  “Are you the boy who reads Romeo and Juliet every day at lunch?” I asked suddenly.

  “No, Belle. Jeez Louise! I sit at the table behind you and your friends, with all my brothers and sisters.”

  I thought back to the tables in the cafeteria: Edwart’s table, Jocks, Populars (my table), Arty Kids, Vampires. He must have sat at the last one.

  Seeing me sit down and open a yearbook to finally sort this out, Josh continued: “Remember that first day in the cafeteria when we both reached for the cottage
cheese at the same time? And then we both tried to pass it off like we were actually reaching for the fries but really we were just waiting for the other person to leave so we could get the cottage cheese? Or the second day when I saved you from getting hit by a car in the school parking lot?”

  He spoke like someone from a far, far away time, like middle school. It was so charming! His sentences were so long, I realized, I could easily run away. I could actually have run away at any point, but something kept me there, even when Josh turned away to yell into the darkness.

  “Vicky!” he called. “How is the video going?”

  “Got it all on tape!” a small female vampire said, running out from behind a tombstone. She was holding a camcorder. I could tell she was evil because she had wavy red hair, a weird smile, and she was wearing a shaggy fur poncho thing.

  “I thought this would make a dramatic place for our home movie,” Josh gestured to the graveyard. “How would you like to be a movie star?” he asked me menacingly.

  Before I could answer, Vicky rushed over to fix my hair and apply glue-in fangs in my mouth.

  “What movie?” I asked incredulously. I hadn’t signed any release. My fight moves were copyrighted.

  “It’s called ‘A Day in the Life of Josh and Vicky!’” Vicky said. “We started filming this morning when we woke up, and we continued throughout the day. It’s been really fun, especially when I filmed Josh doing his homework.”

  I made a home movie once, right before I left Phoenix forever. I dressed up and danced in the ballet outfit I used to wear when I was a toddler. My mom loved it.

  “I have an idea,” Vicky continued. “Belle, why don’t you say something on tape? How about ‘Great to meet you, Josh and Vicky! Thanks for not eating me!’”

  Vicky held up the camera. I looked from vampire to vampire. I gulped, swallowing a bug. It felt like my knees were missing.

  “Memories are so important, don’t you think?” Vicky said.

  I said my line quickly to cover up my mispronunciation of the difficult foreign word “to.” I know it’s either pronounced like “two” or “too” but I always forget which one.

  “Now kiss!” Vicky whispered. The camera was still rolling.

  Josh closed his eyes and puckered his lips. He leaned forwards. Only a few minutes ago, he wanted to kill me, which I guess was fair, because I wanted to gouge him in the armpit. Still, some of his sharp teeth were popping out of his puckered lips, and I was wary. What if my acting was bad?

  Then I remembered that I am a great actress. I closed my eyes and leaned in. We kissed. I didn’t feel anything, though, because it was all part of a day’s work by that point. It occurred to me that kissing was the least productive part of human courtship and not very sanitary, either. That’s how desensitized acting had made me.

  “Okay, great!” Vicky said, shutting off the camera. “I’ll see you tomorrow morning for “The Next Day in the Life of Josh and Vicky!’” she shouted, disappearing into a nearby grave.

  Yes, I decided. She’s evil.

  My lips were bleeding a little, so I hastily wiped them off. What would I tell my dad? I decided I would tell him I picked at them to make them red, just like I used to before I was old enough to wear lipstick. Josh was looking at me with hungry eyes.

  “Man, it rains a lot here!” I said to fill the silence. “Like so much. So … ah … should we keep fighting or what?”

  Josh lunged forwards and pressed his lips to mine again. I resisted a little bit at first, to make it seem like I was that kind of girl—the kind of girl who doesn’t like vampires—but then he “French-kissed” me. So weird! I had heard about this before, but nothing could have prepared me for such a strange feeling. Even after he removed his nose from my armpit, I still felt a slight tingling sensation.

  “So is it awkward if I ask what our status is?” I asked quickly. Not that I cared either way. I just wanted to know, you know?

  “Not at all. We’re a couple now.”

  Hmm. I wondered how I’d express that on Facebook. I’d have to change it from what it was before: “It’s complicated with a vampire.” But then I realized that worked pretty well with the new scenario.

  “Want to come to the vampire prom with me tonight?” Josh asked.

  I remembered my last prom: the stupid pre-prom photos, the ugly pink dresses, the tacky disco ball, the gunshots, the 911 calls, the national media coverage, and the lame cover band.

  “Of course!” I said.

  “Great, because I already got you a ticket.”

  “Oh wait,” I said, suddenly remembering the boy who had flailed away just minutes ago. “I think I might already be going with someone …”

  “Another vampire?”

  “No. I thought so, but no.”

  Remembering Edwart I felt angry, and a little silly. I should have known he wasn’t a vampire. He failed to meet the three telltale criteria for vampirism: speaking in an old-timey way, being pompous, and having sparkly skin.

  “Well, it doesn’t really matter,” Josh said. “We vampires have a separate school prom in winter instead of spring. Coincidentally at a time most inconvenient for outdoor photos.” He sneered. “Separate but equal my ass.”

  I shook my head in sympathy. I had never realized that being a vampire made you different, but not in a nice Dr. Seuss kind of way in which you have a star on your belly.

  We sat down to snuggle in front of a tomb.

  “Josh,” I asked. “How did you become a vampire?”

  “I fought Dracula. I nearly killed him, too, only I felt bad when he told me that I was his only friend, and that was the reason he’d kept me in his dungeon for five years. He bit me right when I turned to go back to my dungeon. What a trickster! Very loyal once you’ve known him for a few centuries, though.”

  “You know Dracula?!” I yelled. “That’s so cool!”

  I imagined what I’d do if I ever met Dracula. I’d probably say, “I’m Belle Goose, girl of the vampires,” and he would bow down and nip my feet.

  “Well, Belle,” Josh said. “I’m a pretty cool guy.”

  “What was Dracula like?”

  “Fang-ed. Bat-like.”

  Wow. Dating Josh would lead me to all sorts of opportunities. Maybe he knew the Swamp Thing too.

  “I’ll take you to your house before we go to the prom,” Josh said, standing up and brushing off his cape. “You’ll probably want to put some makeup on or something. Wash your face a few times.”

  I blushed. I hadn’t realized my tempting blood smell was coming from my nose pores.

  We held hands as we walked towards the exit. Josh’s hand was cold, but not in the clammy sweaty way I was used to. Edwart, I thought with a sigh. Edwart, Edwart. Where did I know that name from?

  “Wait here, beautiful,” Josh said once we exited the cemetery gate. “I’m going to bring the car around.”

  A few minutes later he came to a rolling stop by the curb. “Get in,” he said ferociously.

  Okay. I thought. That was a little rude. But I didn’t say anything, not then, and not even when he hopped out, blindfolded me and tied my arms together.

  “It’s for your own good, clumsy,”

  It was hard for me to argue with that, especially as I was falling into the car.

  He buckled my seatbelt. A few minutes later, I was surprised to feel the car move so slowly and responsibly under Josh’s control. But, then again, he had been driving since the invention of cars.

  We stopped. “Here’s the plan: you’re going to go upstairs and clean yourself up and get rid of that human smell,” Josh said. I was still blindfolded, but I assumed we were at my house, or some other place that had an upstairs. “I am going to smooth-talk your Dad.”

  He took off my blindfold. I stumbled towards my door, but he stopped me mid-step and put down his cape for me to walk on so my shoes wouldn’t get dirty from the pavement. I thanked him, gingerly stepping on the red satin lining. He quickly lifted up the corners, bag
ging me, and carried me to the door.

  “What would you do without me, Belle?” he asked, inserting a tracking device in my ear.

  His behavior was unusual, but I had never dated a vampire before. Besides, who could blame Josh for being possessive? I was special—a girl who would one day be on a talk show saying: “Yes, Diane, my childhood was difficult.”

  Shrugging, I reached in my purse for my key, which turned out to not be necessary. Josh melted a hole in the door and tossed me through it.

  “Move, move, move!” he yelled. “We’ve got a vampire prom to get to!”

  10. VAMPIRE PROM

  I RAN UPSTAIRS AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE, THEN TORE off my shirt and threw it on the floor.

  “Might I suggest you wear something simple?” a voice directed without any hint of suggestion.

  I turned to the window and gasped. Josh! Quickly, I covered up my bra-patterned undershirt. It was too late, though; Josh had seen them. So now he knew I was aware of lady garments.

  “I don’t mean to control every facet of your life,” he continued, taking my hand and closing the window with it, “but I believe it would be unwise for you to wear something eye-grabbing to the prom. The theme is Fancy Venetian Masquerade, and you’re going to be in a room full of vampires. Any fabric you own that camouflages with walls or dance floors might be best.”

  “How did you get in here?”

  “Through the window—duh I’m a vampire!”

  “Still, my window is barely two feet tall.”

  “Duh, I did the vampire trick where you shrink yourself down with a vampire ray and then vampire-pump yourself back to a normal size.”

  I started to ask more questions, but we were interrupted by a violent banging on the door.

  “Where is he?” called Jim. “Is that vampire in there?”

  Josh lunged towards me and put his hand over my mouth. “Noooo,” he said in a low, masculine voice. “Just your female, human daughter … all alone.”

  I pushed his hand away. “No, Dad,” I said. “I don’t see a vampire in here. We’ll keep looking though! I mean, I’ll keep looking though!”