by M Helbig
Alizia dropped her scepter and put her other hand over my mouth. “Stop. I don’t want to know the rest so it can be my own personal Mad Libs. I believe you. So, first thing I want to do is shave that arrogant gnome’s mustache and then the rest of his body in front of his son.”
The words “You mean after you find out where he is?” rolled off my tongue before I could catch myself. It was the last thing I wanted her to think about. Who was outwitting whom?
“Precisely,” she said to answer both the question I’d voiced and the one in my head.
Her eyes were pointed directly at the spot in my interface where the message icon was—which on her interface would be on the other side—well, if she was a player they’d be there. She was an NPC. A part of the game. And as part of the game, she could probably read my messages anyway. She’d admitted to that at the beginning. Therefore, she wouldn’t need me to divulge the information. She must’ve been doing this to begin her torture of me. With nothing more to lose, I opened the message.
“Alizia is not an NPC,” Olaf’s message said. “I intended to tell you but those hylves attacked us and then I forgot. It was all a terrible joke that seems to have gotten way out of hand. I feel awful. And now you are not with us because of that. Clewd left to go get the rest of our family so they could be with us. I will see if he will find you when he gets back. I am so sorry.”
Alizia cackled in the unhuman way she had before. This time her voice cracked a few seconds in. She cleared her throat with a chuckle. “I assume you just got a new message from Olaf?”
“I hate you.”
“That’s really sweet of you. I hate you too.” She pretended to rub some dust off my shirt. “Got any more deep dark secrets to share about hamsters?”
I pushed off her hand. “You can’t tell that to anyone. I mean it.”
She saluted me crisply. “I, Alizia the non-NPC do so swear to not reveal your naughty secret about your third-grade class’s pet hamster to anyone. I will only mention the word ‘hamster’ and give you a knowing wink whenever you are starting to get uppity—so, like seven or eight times a day—but I won’t directly tell anyone your secret.”
“That’s probably the best I’m going to get from you, so I guess I have to take it.”
“Yup. By the way, how many times did Laffy call you a pudding head in that message of his?”
“None,” I said. “Is that even a real insult or did you make that up?”
“No idea, but you’re definitely one of those.” She pointed to herself. “This here is a one-hundred percent real—digital representation of real Canadian. Thank you very much. Laffy sent me a message explaining his little joke a minute ago. How could you possibly think this amount of crazy awesomeness was conceived by a machine?”
“Figured your erratic behavior and suicidal pulling was the game’s way of trying to get us killed.”
Alizia whistled in appreciation. “That would be pretty clever, but has anything I’ve done ever come across as clever before—let alone giant-computer level of clever?”
“Good point. But if you’re not an NPC trying to kill me, then why did you pull me away from the portal out?” I peeked back into the boss’s room and it looked like they were about to rez Yary.
“Because there’s a bunch of molefolk corpses in the passage behind us. Corpses that contain dungeon-level sparklies that no one bothered to loot.” Alizia gave me another wicked grin.
“Are these sparklies like what’s in those three bags Georgius gave you?” I asked.
“Probably, and it’s good to see you’re not a complete idiot.” She smiled and handed one of the bags over.
It contained one hundred gold coins. “You’re giving the other one to Olaf when we see him again.”
Alizia grumbled. “Fine, but I’m not splitting the mole treasure. Got to follow the sacred group charter, like my mentor would. If you’re not in the group when the looting happens, you don’t get a cut.”
I moved toward the nearest hairy corpse. “I seem to remember that we couldn’t loot those before. You have to be in the raid that killed them.”
“A raid of which we just so happen to be in now and of which we are the only people left.” She rubbed her hands together. “Cedra and the others must’ve broken off to form a new one.”
“So, you planned this whole thing to get loot?” I asked.
“Of course I didn’t. I only wanted to scare you a little to get back at you for thinking I’m not real. If there is one thing I do have in abundance though, it’s dumb luck.”
I laughed and knelt to loot the first corpse. “Maybe you should be the leader now.”
“Would a leader be responsible for a plan on how we’re going to get out of here?” Alizia asked as we stopped next to another corpse.
“Yes,” I said.
“Then I think you should still be in charge.”
END
Can Kasper trust Clewd to keep him safe? Will Olaf ever ride with our merry band again? Will Cedra’s cold heart ever melt enough to allow Alizia into her guild? Could someone check on Georgius to make sure he’s OK? (No, seriously. I’m worried about the guy.)
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Character Sheets
Horus
Level: 10
HP: 330/330
Class: Woodsman
MP: 310/310
Race: Human
AP: 150/150
Experience: 192,811//200,000
AC: 50
STR: 6 (14)
Resists
AGI: 10 (16)
Light: 0
DEX: 47 (61)
Dark: 5
STA: 21 (33)
Earth: 0
END: 8 (15)
Water: 0
CHA: 1 (2)
Fire: 5
INT: 13 (31)
Wind: 0
WIS: 13 (32)
HP Regen: 10 per minute (19 per minute out of combat)
Carrying Capacity: 152/280
MP Regen: 10 per minute
AP Regen: 10 per minute
Skills: 1-Handed Swords 10/25, Bows 29/50, Diplomacy 2/25, Flanking Attack 18/25, Improved DEX 20/25, Inspect 28/50, Nature Magic 19/25, Regen 18/25, Sprint 16/25, Tracking 20/50, Survivalist 3/25
Equipment:
Main Hand: Family Heirloom
Off Hand: N/A
Damage: 3-6
Speed Rating: 3 Bonus: +1 STR
Ranged: Lesser Clockwork Longbow
Damage: 14-23
Speed Rating: 5 Bonus: +6 STR +4 DEX
Chest: Jerkin of Please Don’t Kill Me
Arms: Junior Explorer’s Sleeves
AC: 12
Bonus: +2 DEX +1 AGI +1 STR+1 INT +1 WIS
AC: 5
Bonus: +2 DEX +1 INT +1 WIS
Hands: Formal Gloves of Butling
Head: Hat of Overseeing
AC: 8
Bonus: +6 DEX +5 AGI +2 STA
Special Abilities: Dirt Repellent
AC: 5
Bonus: +3 INT + 3 WIS
Special Abilities: Telescopic Sight
Legs: Shaman Mole’s Tassets
Feet: Thinking Boots
AC: 11
Bonus: +4 STA +4 INT +6 WIS
AC: 8
Bonus: +4 INT +4 WIS
Waist: Camo Belt
Back: Moleskin Cape
AC: 6
Bonus: +2 STA +3 END
Special Abilities: +5 Sneak (if learned) +5 Camouflage (if learned)
AC: 8
Bonus: +4 ST
A +4 END
Finger 1: Blind Wizard’s Ring
Finger 2: Ring of Inspirational Messages
Bonus: +4 INT +4 WIS
Bonus: +1 INT +1 CHA
Alizia
Level: 11
HP: 649/649
Class: Warrior
MP: 55/55
Race: Forest Giant
AP: 275/275
Experience: 22,090/250,000
AC: 90
STR: 13 (21)
Resists
AGI: 13 (21)
Light: 0
DEX: 4 (7)
Dark: 0
STA: 39 (59)
Earth: 10
END: 13 (25)
Water: 0
CHA: 34 (51)
Fire: 0
INT: 4 (5)
Wind: 10
WIS: 4 (5)
HP Regen: 11 per minute (23.1 per minute out of combat)
Carrying Capacity: 407/470
MP Regen: 11 per minute
AP Regen: 11 per minute
Skills: 1-Handed Blunt 19/25, Carrying 10/25, Alchemy 6/25, Block 28/50, Improved CHA 5/25, Improved STA 22/25, Lumberjack 1/25, Potion Master 25/25, Regen 22/25, Shield Slam 11/25, Shout 25/25, Sprint 12/25, Wall 6/25
Equipment:
Main Hand: Deputy Mole’s Billyclub
Off Hand: Holy Shield of the Coward
Damage: 18-30
Speed Rating: 3 Bonus: +1 DEX +4 STA +4 END
AC: 15
Bonus: +4 STA + 2 STR +4 END
Ranged: N/A
Chest: Mossy One-Piece
Arms: Moleskin Sweatbands
AC: 16
Bonus: +3 STA +1 AGI +1 DEX
AC: 3
Bonus: +3 STA +1 DEX
Hands: Gloves with Tiny Hearts & Puppies
Head: High Shaman’s Headdress
AC: 6
Bonus: +2 AGI +2 CHA
AC: 4
Bonus: +1 INT +1 WIS + 1 STA +3 CHA
Legs: Dainty Steel Undergarments
Feet: Sparkly Booties
AC: 9
Bonus: +3 STA +3 CHA
AC: 6
Bonus: +3 AGI + 1 STA +1 CHA
Waist: Royal Belt of Gal Shawdau
Back: Cape von Bruce
AC: 17
Bonus: +2 STR +1 CHA
AC: 9
Bonus: +1 STA +2 AGI +3 CHA
Finger 1: Cubic Zirconia Middle Finger
Finger 2: Mole-Tooth Ring
AC: 0
Bonus: +4 CHA
AC: 2
Bonus: +4 STR +4 END
Olaf
Level: 11
HP: 258/258
Class: Thief
MP: 22/22
Race: Gnome
AP: 385/385
Experience: 29,812/250,000
AC: 53
STR: 23 (30)
Resists
AGI: 9 (17)
Light: 0
DEX: 45 (63)
Dark: 5
STA: 19 (23)
Earth: 5
END: 19 (35)
Water: 10
CHA: 6
Fire: 0
INT: 2
Wind: 0
WIS: 1
HP Regen: 11 per minute (19.25 per minute out of combat)
Carrying Capacity: 87/600
MP Regen: 11 per minute
AP Regen: 11 per minute
Skills: 1-Handed Piercing 25/25, Artists 2/25, Detective 28/50, Flanking Attack 25/25, Improved DEX 25/25, Inspect 25/25, Inventing 1/25, Lucky 10/25, Lockpick 3/25, Regen 15/25, Sneak 25/25 (30/30), Sneak Attack 8/25, Sprint 25/25 (35/35), Steal 9/25
Equipment:
Main Hand: Thin Pointy Thing
Off Hand: N/A
Damage: 4-5
Speed Rating: 1.5 Bonus: +3 DEX + 2 AGI
Ranged: N/A
Chest: Dusty Leather Jacket
Arms: Armbands of the Conqueror
AC: 12
Bonus: +5 HP
AC: 10
Bonus: +7 STR +5 END
Special Abilities: 2% reduction in melee attack speed
Hands: Worked-Out Work Gloves
Head: Oct Aboro Guide’s Goggles
AC: 4
Bonus: +1 STA +2 END
AC: 8
Bonus: +2 DEX +4 AGI +2 END
Special Abilities: Night Vision
Legs: Crotchless Messenger’s Shorts
Feet: Kobold Running Shoes
AC: 8
Bonus: +2 DEX +2 END
AC: 3
Bonus: +2 DEX +2 AGI
Special Abilities: +10 Sprint skill
Waist: Wolf-Fur Belt
Back: Dwarven Light Cloak
AC: 3
Bonus: +2 DEX
AC: 5
Bonus: +4 END +3 STA
Finger 1: Cracked Garnet Ring
Finger 2: Hide N’ Go Ring
AC: 0
Bonus: +3 DEX +1 END
AC: 0
Bonus: +4 DEX
Special Abilities: +5 Sneak
