“I just want…him. But I’m so damn angry right now that I can’t see straight. That’s not going to make anything better. So, as much as not being around him is going to kill me, I’m going to take a few days and just…be.”
Perry nods. “I think that’s a good idea. And while you’re at it, maybe think about talking to your dad?”
I sigh heavily. “I…okay. I’ll think about it.”
“If you’re staying again, I call big spoon!” Dallas calls from the bathroom.
Perry scowls and I throw him an unsure glance. “What’s your deal with him?”
“I just don’t like him, okay? Drop it.”
Dallas strolls into the bedroom with just a towel around his waist, his hard abs on display. I may be devoted to Hudson, and Dallas may bat for the same team as I do, but I can’t help but admire him. He has to work hard for all that beauty that’s on display.
From beside me I hear Perry’s breathing pick up. Watching him, I notice his eyes grow darker and his eyebrows squeeze together tighter.
Dallas flexes his pecs and throws a cocky grin toward my cousin. “You like?”
Perry huffs and jerks his gaze away from the body on full display. He turns to me with an irritated spark in his eye and I just know he’s going straight to the nearest open bar after this. “I…I’ve got shit to do,” he tells me. “If you need me, call me.”
I nod and hug him one last time, knowing full well that the next time I talk to him, he’s going to be face down in a bottle of Jack. Like always.
As soon as we hear the front door close, Dallas lets out a humorless laugh. “Your cousin is a real peach, Rae.”
Shrugging, I say, “I have no idea what his problem is, but I swear he’s not usually like this.”
Dallas, who doesn’t look too convinced, just nods and struts back out of the bedroom calling “Big spoon!” over his shoulder on the way out.
Maura laughs from beside me. “Men. Can’t live with them, can’t live without them.”
I lie back on the bed, resting my hands on my flat stomach, crossing my ankles, and staring up at the ceiling. “Don’t we both know it.”
She mirrors my pose but reaches over to grab my hand. And that’s the way we stay—relaxed on the bed holding hands. Holding on to each other, and most importantly, our hearts.
Hudson
I hate this. All of this. It’s been four days since I’ve seen or heard from Rae, and I’ve been pissed off every single one of them. Maura, who calls me every day, is the only reason I know she’s doing okay. I wish like hell I could just talk with her, make her see my side of things. But she refuses to answer her phone or texts. Every day she ignores me is another day a small hole forms in my heart.
Which is exactly why I’m taking Joey to my mom’s for a couple days. I’m miserable, and my heartbroken mood is rubbing off on my kid. She’s asked me about ten times now where Rae is. It hurts so hard when I have to tell her she’s gone to stay with friends for a few days. Every day when I answer her, Joey’s little shoulders sink lower and lower. I know she’s bound to break down at some point. Since I know I’m liable to do so too, I have no idea how to stop it.
“You ready to go, kiddo?” I call up the stairs to my daughter.
I hear her shuffle across the hall, her head popping around the corner at the top of the stairs. Her eyes are bloodshot and puffy—a sure sign she’s been crying. Fuck. Guess I’m too late in the whole breaking down thing.
“I’m…I’m not going until Rae comes home,” she sniffles.
Sighing, I walk halfway up the stairs, hoping to coax her down. “Joey, baby, we’ve talked about it. Rae is just staying with Maura for a couple days. Girl time. You get that, right?”
Her face crumbles and she begins to sob. My feet fly up the stairs on autopilot and I wrap my arms around her.
“Shh…shh. What’s wrong? Why are you crying? She’s coming back.”
I want to take the words back as soon as they leave my mouth. Because what if she doesn’t come back? Then what? Then not only have I lost the woman I’m madly in love with, but Joey’s also lost the only person she’s ever seen as a mother. I have to fight back my own tears at the thought.
“She…she won’t,” her voice trembles. “She’s not coming back.”
I pull back and cradle her face in my hands, wiping away her tears. “Why would you say that?” My voice is a little stern, but I have to know if there’s something she knows that I don’t.
“Because I made her leave.”
I tip my head and wrinkle my brows in confusion. “What makes you think so?”
“I…I…” She struggles to get the words out, hesitant like she’s scared she’s going to get in trouble for saying anything.
“Joey, I need you to tell me why you think you made Rae leave. Please.”
“I…asked to go swimming again.” She starts shaking, her little body wracked with sobs. “I’m sorry! I…I didn’t mean to. She got real scared when I asked and I knew I was in trouble. I know you don’t want me swimming with Rae, daddy. I’m sorry.”
I squeeze my eyes shut and turn my head into my shoulder, breathing deeply so I don’t completely lose it at just the thought of what happened almost one year ago. When I feel like I have myself composed, I turn back to Joey.
“First, you can swim with Rae. That’s perfectly okay. What happened last year wasn’t your fault or hers. Okay?” She nods. “Second, you did not, and will not, ever make Rae leave. Do you understand that, Joey?”
“But…I… She…”
“No, okay? No. Rae loves you so much. She will never, ever walk away from you.” I look into her eyes, imploring her to listen to me, to hear me, to understand me. “I promise, bug. I promise.”
When she shakily bobs her head up and down, sniffling away the rest of her tears, I know I’ve finally gotten through to her.
I gather her in my arms, holding her tight, hoping to squeeze away all of her worries. She hugs me back just as fiercely and, just for a moment, I let my own tears flow freely.
I did this. I made Joey feel like she’s the one to blame for Rae not being here. Not only did I screw up my relationship with Rae, hurting her beyond belief, but I’ve also managed to make my kid cry in the process. You’ve really fucked this one up, Hudson. Fix this. Now.
Pulling away from Joey and smoothing her hair down, I give her a small smile. She returns it. I tap the end of her nose and she swats at my hand.
“There’s my smiling girl.”
Expectedly, she scowls. I laugh at how much she acted like Rae just then. My joy is only momentary as I realize I just laughed for the first time since Rae left. I don’t like that. I don’t like laughing. It makes me feel like I’ve forgotten about what I’ve done. And I don’t want to forget.
I stand, looking down at Joey, whose shoulders are no longer sagging. “Now, are you ready to go? Did you pack a bag? Nanna has clothes and stuff for you still, but I know she doesn’t have your favorite pillow or pjs.”
Joey darts down the hall and I make my way down the stairs. She returns just seconds later with a Finn Adventure Time backpack slung over her shoulder, carefully making her way down the stairs.
“I’m ready,” she announces as she stands in front of me.
I quirk up my eyebrow at her, placing a lazy grin on my lips. “Last one to the car is the loser?”
She rolls her eyes and sighs. “You’re already a loser.”
Then she’s gone, scurrying out the door in an instant, beating me to the car before I even get the front door closed.
She’s already buckled into the back when I get in the car, bouncing in her seat, her gloomy attitude changed dramatically. Smiling at her in the rearview mirror, I twist around, placing my arm on the passenger seat and watching the road as I carefully maneuver out of the driveway. When I get onto the road, I start to turn back around, pausing only when a small hand lands on my arm.
“Dad?” I look back at my perfect, dark-haired angel.
“She’s gonna come home, right?”
My eyes start to sting and my throat gets tight. Swallowing thickly, I nod stiffly. “Of course, bug. She’ll come back.”
I hope.
“I’m so sorry, Hudson. Just…I’m sorry. I didn’t want this to blow up in your face. I mean, I kind of expected it, but I was hoping my daughter would react differently.”
I clench my jaw, wishing for just a split second that I could grab Ted by the shoulders and shake him. I want to yell and scream that this was all his fault. But that wouldn’t be fair. This is just as much my fault as it is his. I’ve been wrong from the start to go behind Rae’s back. I should have been honest and up front from the very beginning. But I wasn’t. And neither was Ted. Now we’re both paying for it.
I give him a strained smile. “It’s okay, man. She’ll, uh, come around.”
“Damn, son. You don’t sound even a little bit convinced, you know?” When I don’t give any response to that, Ted squints at me, studying me closely. “Did you ask her? Did you propose a future with my daughter while still hiding this from her?”
My throat feels all scratchy, like I’ve been stuck out in the desert with no water for days. I take a sip from the glass I’ve been rolling between my hands. “Uh, kind of.” Ted arches a challenging brow. “Fine. I did,” I huff.
He lets out a big whoop, throwing his head back and slapping his knee, laughing his ass off at me.
“Goddamn, kid. You’re… That’s… Damn. You’re brave.” He shakes his head and I duck mine, not understanding how he thinks this is the funniest thing he’s heard all day.
“And stupid beyond all belief.” I swing my head back toward him, scowling within a nanosecond. “What? You know it as well as I do. That was a dumb move, Hudson. Really damn dumb. She’s not going to trust another proposal you make for a long time.”
I snort, taking another sip off my drink. “She’d have to come home first.”
His eyebrows shoot up at this new bit of information. “She’s gone?”
I nod. “Yep. Staying with Maura for a bit.”
Ted frowns, scrubbing his hand over his head. “You’ve talked with her?”
“Nope. She won’t answer my calls or texts. And trust me, I’ve left a lot. She’s probably got a damn restraining order on my ass already.”
His laugh is dry. “I doubt that, son. I’ve seen the way she looks at you. She’s mad, but she’s not that mad.”
“Do you think she’ll come back?” The words leave my mouth before I can catch them and stuff them back in.
“There’s no way she won’t, Hudson. Rae’s a fighter, but more than that, she’s a lover. She loves your daughter. She won’t leave her. And she won’t leave you. I know it seems like the end of everything right now, but I can feel it in my heart that it’s not. Can’t you?”
I reflexively clutch my chest, thinking about Rae and what it would feel like to lose her now. I sense this…spark. Something ignites in me and it’s fierce. It’s telling me to fight, to push, that it’s not the end for us. I can feel it. And it gives me this new sense of hope that was slowly fading away.
Ted smiles, knowing exactly what’s happening. “Good, son. That’s good. Use that.” He pauses briefly, scooting forward to the edge of the kitchen chair and folding his hands under his chin. Sadness washes over his face before he smiles again. “Erin and I, we had our troubles. Some of them fairly similar to what’s going on with you and Rae right now. Now, I’m not saying fixing this is going to be easy. I’m not saying it’ll happen overnight. But I am saying it will happen. I know my daughter, Hudson. You know my daughter. She won’t walk away that easily. And I know you won’t either. That fight you two have? That’s all you need. The rest will fall into place.”
God do I hope that’s true.
He slaps his hand on the table. “Know what you need? A beer. And so do I. What do you say? Beer and wings at Clyde’s?”
A fleeting, sinking feeling in my stomach tells me that’s a bad idea, but I’m so eager to just get out of my own head right now, I ignore it. “Yeah, that sounds great, actually.”
So that’s what we do. I follow Ted in my car over to Clyde’s, the same bar where Rae used to work that holds many memories of the two of us. The first thing I do as we pull in is scope out the lot for Maura’s car. I let out a relieved breath when I don’t see it and head inside behind my hopefully soon-to-be father-in-law.
We find a table and I do everything I can to suppress a groan when my least favorite waitress, Clarissa, sashays up to our table. So not the person I want to deal with right now. Not after she tried hitting on me in front of Rae—twice—in the last six months. I don’t have the energy to deal with that shit today, and I’m liable to snap at any moment.
To my surprise, she’s very cold and methodical as she asks for our drink order and hurries off. Silently saying a thank-you to whoever’s looking out for me today, I glance down at the menu and spot what I want within seconds.
“What. The. Hell.”
My spine goes straight and I seek out the person the shrill voice belongs to. I find her in a flash, rooted in the front of the hallway that leads out back to the employee hangout with Maura standing next to her. Apparently whoever was looking out for me just decided to go on break for the day. Thanks, Guardian Asshole.
In the four days I haven’t seen her, I swear she’s lost at least five pounds that she didn’t have to lose in first place. I hate the way her eyes look swollen and her lips look chapped, like she just got done crying, and how the spark that’s usually lighting them into a bright forest green has gone out. She looks as miserable as I feel, which is pretty damn miserable.
I’m ashamed to admit I’m momentarily thrilled that she’s taking this as hard as I am, but then I check myself. She’s probably a lot more upset over the reasons we’re apart rather than us actually being apart. And fuck if that doesn’t claw at me.
The first thing that registers across her face is hurt. The second is sadness. But it’s the third that has me ducking my head.
Rae is fucking pissed. Angry. Fuming.
Over the raucous customers and steady music, I hear her stomp across the bar, halting when she’s about five feet from our table. I peek over at her to find her mouth twisted into an angry flat line, her nostrils flaring just a smidge. I so badly want to reach out and calm her, but I know right now my touch would have the opposite effect.
“Rae, it’s not his…”
She holds her hand up, silencing her father. Her eyes never leave mine, heat blazing behind her stare. I see her work her jaw back and forth, fighting the words that want to spew out. Taking a calming breath, she lowers her hand and takes a step closer to me, and the heat turns into a low simmer, eventually being replaced by pools of tears that are threatening to spill over the ledge.
I can’t breathe. I mean, I can, but I’m scared to. I want to pretend I’m seven years old again and my imaginary friend is helping me play invisible to my aggravated parents. I want to act like I’m not here, like I’m not breaking the heart of the woman I love.
“I…I can’t right now, Hudson. This? With him? Four days later and this is what you’re doing? Just hanging out like old friends, acting like nothing is wrong in your world?”
I want to reach out, to shake her, make her realize I am completely fucking broken right now. That these last four days have been nothing short of hell for me. That I sent my kid away for a few days because I couldn’t handle just waking up and getting out of the damn bed. But I don’t. Because I deserve this, this hurt. It’s owed to me.
She stands there, waiting for me to say something, to defend my actions, maybe even lie again. I won’t. So instead, I say something honest, something I think we both need to hear and be reminded of.
“I love you.”
The fucking pool overflows and a tear slides down her cheek. I reach out, barely grazing her face. She flinches, moving away from my touch. And not just moving away by a few inches, but she t
urns around and bolts out the door. With my fucking heart in the palm of her hands.
I push my stool back to run after her, ignoring the hard stares I’m getting from everyone in the bar as it scrapes angrily across the floor. Ted calls after me, but I don’t fucking care.
Slamming open the front doors, not even stopping when it slaps against the building, I run toward my girl, grabbing her arm and spinning her around to face me.
She gasps, peering up at me with sad, broken eyes. I crush my lips to hers before I can even think about it, pulling her into my embrace and cradling her head in my hands. She falls into me instantly, her body lining up with mine. Her hands clutching my chest, holding fistfuls of my shirt, dragging me in closer. If mouths could do so, ours would be making magic in this moment. We pour everything into this kiss. Our frustrations, pent up tension, broken hearts, tears…love. Lots and lots of fucking love. I feel the tiniest of pinpricks start in my chest, the little gaping holes sewing themselves shut every time our tongues tangle together. Magic. Pure fucking magic.
But just as quickly as the magic began, it ends. Suddenly, she’s not begging me closer, but pushing me away. She’s not holding on to me with everything she has, not wanting to let me go, but instead pleading for distance.
I pull back, still holding on to her, and tilt her head to mine, meeting her lust- and anger-filled gaze. We’re taking staggered breaths, chests bumping against one another with every drag of air.
She opens her mouth to say something, closes it, and then opens it again. I don’t let her. Instead, I kiss away her words. And she lets me.
She fucking lets me.
This kiss is less desperate, slower. And sadder. We both feel it, both feel the tears slide down her cheeks. And we ignore it because this kiss is just that perfectly tragic. So tragic that this sort of feels like…the end. I don’t want this to be the end.
Here's to Forever Page 6
