I’m the one to pull away first. Closing my eyes and dropping my forehead to hers, I speak. “I’m not going to let you stop loving me.”
“Never.”
That’s all I need. That promise that no matter what, she’ll love me. With that one little word, I feel stronger, safer, more sure. We can do this.
Taking an encouraging breath, I step away from her fully, putting at least a foot of distance between us. A little crinkle forms between her brows, her sudden irritation a little confusing. Especially when she was the one who just walked out—again—and the one who was just pushing me away moments ago.
“Take it, Rae. The time that you need, take it. I don’t care how long it is—take it. We’re going to make it through this because I’ll never stop loving you, and damn if I don’t know that our love is enough. I won’t give up that easily and I don’t think you will either. So take your time. I’ll be here waiting for you when you’re ready.”
Spinning on my heel, I start marching back toward the bar, only to pause when I hear her feet on the pavement behind me. I twist around just as she reaches out for me, grabbing her hand and pulling her in for a hug. We stand in the parking lot holding on to each other for hours. Or maybe just minutes. Either way, it’s too short of a time.
“Thank you,” she says, her husky voice muffled by my chest.
Kissing the top of her head, I gently unwind my arms, stepping away once again.
Away from her. Away from my forever.
For now.
Rae
“As much as I hate saying this…you need to get the hell off my couch, woman. Now.”
I glare at my blonde bestie, who’s currently standing between me and my boys on the flat screen.
“The Winchesters are on.”
“Who cares about the friggin’ Winchesters!”
I gasp at her words because everyone cares about the Winchesters. Or at least they should.
“You stink, Rae. I mean you’re downright rank smelling. Get. Up. Shower. Get dressed. Go pick up pizza instead of ordering delivery. I don’t care, just get the hell off my couch!”
I sigh and grumble all at once, waving her out of the way. She doesn’t budge.
“Ugh! Fine!” I yell, throwing the blanket off me and jumping up from the couch. “But I’m not shaving my legs!”
“Fine! They keep me warm at night anyway!”
Fifteen minutes later I waltz back out the bathroom feeling—and I’d hate to admit this to Maura—refreshed and a lot more like myself than the zombie I’ve become.
I catch Maura snuggled up on the couch under my blanket, watching my show. I clear my throat, standing in front of the TV just like she did when she interrupted my pity party.
“What?” she asks, innocently blinking up at me. “It’s a good show, okay? And besides, you’re kicked out of the apartment for the day. It’s my turn to wallow.”
Sometimes I forget I’m not the only one hurting right now, that I’m not the only one going through a…separation. I feel a little guilty for making this all about me the past four days, since I accidentally encountered Hudson at Clyde’s when I was visiting with Maura on her last day there. And then proceeded to make out with him in the parking lot, only to have him push me away and say beautiful words that simultaneously ripped my heart to shreds and stitched it up. I almost forgot I was mad at him for just the tiniest of moments.
Then reality set in, and she’s a real bitch. My anger came back quick. But somehow, it was lessened. And I was genuinely confused about how to feel regarding that. Because I want to be mad. I just don’t know if I need to be mad.
My cell buzzes on the glass coffee table, making me jump a little. Maura must sense my hesitation to grab it because she says, “It’s just Elle. She’s texted twice now.”
Elle: Joey’s been asking for you…
Then…
Elle: Think you can come by today? I promise not to do some weird thing like trap you and Hudson together to make you talk.
I laugh because that’s so something she’d do.
I quickly type back a “yes” and announce to Maura I’m heading out.
“Ohmygod. It’s about time! Your sadness was sucking up all the air.”
Ignoring her, I head to the front door and blow her a kiss. “Love you, Maurie.”
“So inconsiderate,” I hear her grumble as I pull the door shut behind me.
I run smack into a hard chest, stumbling backward.
“Shit. Sorry, Rae,” Dallas says, reaching out and steadying me.
“Good God you’re like a damn brick! You sure you don’t like girls? Because shit.”
“I’m about as sure of that as you are about loving Hudson.” He winks.
I roll my eyes at his new cheesy attempt to get me to talk to my maybe boyfriend. He’s been doing it for days now. Sometimes it’s cute and funny, other times it’s irritating beyond belief. I do love how he’s making an effort, though. Dallas has become a good friend since he moved here.
“Finally leaving the house, huh? Good. You were starting to smell.”
“I was not! You have no damn manners, Dallas Middle Name Montgomery.”
“Golly. Can’t believe you got my middle name right!” he teases on a fake southern drawl. He scratches his nose uneasily at my confused smirk. “Sorry, I tend to pretend I’m from the South sometimes. I’ve always secretly wanted to be a Texan. Ya know, so I could have a cool accent.”
“Where are you from, anyway?”
He shrugs noncommittally. “Around.”
I let his non-answer slide and we trade places. “I’m heading to Elle’s, so…” I lift my chin toward the door. “Keep an eye on her, will ya? Think she’s having a bad day.”
“Which one?”
I frown, knowing he’s asking which Bentley brother she’s upset over—Tanner or Tucker. “Both, I think.”
He nods. “Knew she was bound to have a shit day soon. She’s been a little too…peppy. And you know as well as I do what happens when she’s like that.”
“The crash.”
“Yep.”
“And my being here and moping about isn’t helping her heal at all.”
Dallas reaches out and grabs my hand, giving it a tight squeeze. “No, don’t say that. It’s not you, sweetheart. It’s just…well, life. We all have our demons. We’ll fight ‘em off together.”
“Promise?”
He winks again. “Of course.”
Dropping my hand, he turns to the apartment door, grasping the doorknob and giving it a slight twist. I turn around and head down the walkway.
“Rae?”
I turn, glancing over my shoulder at him.
“You’re gonna be okay.”
My shoulders slump because I don’t feel like those words will ever be true again.
“I know,” I whisper.
He shakes his head. “No, not just you, but you and Hudson. You’re both going to be okay. You’re gonna make it out of this. If there’s one couple I have faith in, it’s you two. Felt it from the moment I met you both. You’re his forever.”
I feel this sorely missed flutter in my chest at his words. Because that’s something Hudson’s said to me before. His forever. And I want to be that more than anything.
“Rae!”
Joey launches herself at me, wrapping her small arms around my middle instantly. I return the hug with equal ferocity. I’ve missed this kid so much. I want to kick myself right in the ass for walking away from her while Hudson and I try to work this out, but I need my space. Just sucks that space away from him had to mean space away from the little girl who’s felt like a daughter to me for the last year.
Pulling her away, I hold her at arm’s length, glancing her over. I swear she’s grown at least two inches since that last time I saw her eight days ago.
Eight days? Has it already been that long? Fuck.
“How you doin’, kiddo?”
“Good. Dad says he misses you.”
I
blink back the instant tears and nod. “I know, bug. I miss him too.”
“When are you coming home?”
I open my mouth and close it again, struggling to find an appropriate answer.
“Joey Tamell! What did I tell you about asking her that? That’s impolite,” Elle scolds as she comes around the corner, stepping into the small entryway. She smiles at me, her eyes glassy with unshed tears. “Rae.” She enfolds me in the warmest hug I’ve had in days. “I’ve missed you, girl.”
“I’ve missed you too, Elle.”
She wipes at her eyes when she pulls away. “Sorry, sorry. I promised myself I wouldn’t cry when I saw you, but I can’t help it.”
“Trust me, I’ve been telling myself that same thing all morning.”
She laughs lightly. “Well, come on in, dear. I’ve made us some sandwiches. We can eat lunch with Joey and then maybe talk.”
Elle doesn’t give me the chance to respond that I’m not hungry. Instead, she ushers me into the kitchen, Joe hot on our heels.
“Turkey’s fine, right?”
“Yes, thank you. You didn’t have to make lunch. I haven’t had much of an appetite lately, but this thing looks damn good.”
“A quarter!” Joey says, sticking her hand out for my swear jar payment.
“Just a quarter? I thought it was seventy-five cents now.”
She wrinkles her pert little nose at me. “You want to pay more?”
Laughing, I shake my head. “No way. But I don’t feel right getting special treatment either.”
She shrugs. “Dad says you’re sad. I don’t like that, so I thought I’d cut you a deal.”
The smile falls off my face rather quickly. Has Hudson been talking about me? How much does Joey know about what’s been going on?
“Ya know, how about you go ahead and take your sandwich into the living room, Bug. You can watch some Adventure Time while you eat,” Elle offers, sensing my unease.
“Okay!” Joey grabs her plate and cup of juice, scurrying out of the kitchen in a flash.
I take a bite of my lunch, ignoring the stare I feel from Elle.
“She doesn’t understand what’s going on. And Hudson hasn’t said anything to her. In fact, she’s been staying over here for the last few days. A mini-vacation, if you will.”
I peel my eyes from the worn out spot on the kitchen table I was gazing at, meeting her clear blue eyes.
“I was worried he’d brought her into this.”
She frowns. “He’d never do that, Rae. You know him better than that.”
“I thought I knew him, Elle. I don’t feel like I do anymore.” The last part comes out a choked whisper, and she reaches her hand over to soothe me. “Almost a year. That’s how long he’s been lying to me. Almost our entire relationship. How do I trust that?”
Her eyes grow soft and sympathetic. “I can be frank with you, yes?” I nod immediately. “You’re like a daughter to me, Rae, so I say this with love… So what?”
My mouth drops open. So what? He lied! That’s what! I’m getting ready to say just that when she holds her hand up.
“Hear me out, okay? I know my son. You know my son. He wouldn’t have had secret meetings with your father if he didn’t have a damn good reason to do so. That’s not him. Think about it from his side, Rae. He’s a father. Do you think he’d want Joey to cut off contact with him for trying to protect her? Not that I’m saying what Ted did was okay, because honestly, I’m a little pissed off at him myself for it, but I don’t think you’re seeing this from their perspective at all.”
I chew on my lip, trying to do just that. My father didn’t directly lie about what happened with my mother. I’ve always known she committed suicide. The only thing he did was not confirm whether or not my drowning night after night was a nightmare or a memory. I also never asked. Hell, he put me in therapy to help cope with it, but even my own mind blocked me from the pain. That had to mean something.
In all honesty, I know I’d have eventually forgiven my father for not being straightforward with me. Because I can see his side of things. I just still needed some time, needed space to figure out how I’d apologize for blocking him out of my life after he’d done so much to protect me. And to figure out how I was going to let him back in. I just needed time. It hurts that Hudson didn’t let me have it.
But…that’s something else entirely. Hudson and his lies. I can’t justify those. He should have been honest with me, especially after what I’d just discovered about my father and his inability to fully tell the truth. But he wasn’t. He snuck around and hid things from me. He formed a friendship with my father, something I didn’t have anymore. That hurt too.
Admittedly, I can see where Hudson’s coming from as well. His desire to keep some sort of thread between my father and me is somewhat admirable. I know I was stretching and dragging that tiny piece of thread out dramatically, and I’m sure my father wasn’t innocent in begging for information either. That had to be slowly eating at him. The problem here is his lack of honesty. I thought we were better than keeping shit from each other, especially heavy issues like that. And now I’m questioning everything. It makes me feel sick that he could so easily hide something so big from me.
I clutch my stomach like I could physically get ill at any moment.
“It’s not all black and white, huh?”
Elle’s voice drags my eyes upward. “It never was. That’s the problem.”
“I don’t envy you, Rae. I don’t blame you for being upset. Hell, I’m upset. But I’m also a little disappointed that you’re fighting trying to understand so hard. Hudson doesn’t deserve that. Joey doesn’t deserve that. And neither do you.”
“I also don’t deserve lies.”
She sighs. “No, but you do deserve a man that’s willing to protect you and take care of you at all costs, no matter the risks. You have that.”
I did.
“Don’t do that. Don’t think in past tense.”
“How did you…”
Her shoulders lift slightly. “It’s a mom thing.”
I laugh and it seems to shake the heavy fog of sadness that’s hanging around. The room feels lighter and so do I. A little.
“Thank you, Elle. I… Just thank you.”
She smiles warmly at me. “All I want is for you to be happy, Rae. I’ve grown fond of you over this past year. Your happiness means something to me now.” A hint of sadness creeps into her eyes. “And even if that means not being with my son anymore, that’s okay. No matter what you decide, I’ll always be here for you.”
Startling both of us, I jump out of my chair and throw my arms around her neck, hugging her close and tight.
“I wish some days you were my mom,” I quietly admit, pulling away from her.
She laughs and pats my cheek. “That would be very awkward, darling. I’m secretly hoping you’re going to stay with my son and that’s just not something I can condone.”
I stayed at Elle’s for a couple hours, laughing and catching up with Joey. We played two board games and watched a few cartoons. Having her around helped heal me a little. It felt natural, normal. I missed it. I missed the role of parent, our story times and movie parties. Our…
Who am I kidding? I miss Hudson. I miss Joey. I miss my fucking family.
Plopping down on a rock sitting just on the edge of Lake Quannapowitt, I pull my phone from my pocket. Flipping it between my hands, I contemplate calling Hudson. I want to talk to him, to hear his voice, to tell him I still love him. But I’m scared to because I am still upset. Even though Elle gave me some more insight into things today, I’m still holding on to some anger. Or something that closely resembles it.
I still feel…off.
Rather than calling him, I decide on sending a text. I flip my phone over just in time to hear a masculine and sexy voice say, “Hello?”
I freeze. It’s the exact voice I’ve been wanting to hear, and it sends chills down my spine. Just that one single word conjures up all my r
epressed desires. I can feel my nipples harden into little pebbles and that old familiar stirring happens. God I fucking miss him. His smile, his laughter, his voice, his touch—all of it.
“Hello? Rae?”
I pull myself out of the daze I’m in, lifting the phone to my ear. I can hear him breathing on the other end.
“Rae? Are you there?”
I don’t answer. I’m not ready to.
“Shit.” He sighs. “I know you’re there. I…fuck.” I can picture him sitting behind his office desk, lowering his head, his biceps bulging as he nervously squeezes the back of his neck. “I’m sorry, Rae,” he whispers hoarsely. “So fucking sorry. I love you. I miss you. God I fucking miss you.”
I smile at his use of the same words I was just thinking. I like that our connection is so strong even when we’re so far apart.
“Rae, you have to know that I only went to see him at first because I knew you wouldn’t but wanted to.”
At first? What the hell does that mean?
“I did it for you. I didn’t mean to lie about it for so long. It just grew into something that I knew you wouldn’t understand at the time. So I didn’t tell you. But…I regret that now. And I’m…I’m sorry. Fuck!”
He shouts the curse word, the voice inside my head shouting it along with him. After talking with Elle today, I’m starting to understand his side of things more. I get why he hid it for so long. If he’d have come home after his first visit, so soon after everything happened, I’d have flipped out. We’d have fought like crazy and I’m not sure we’d have recovered at the time. I was in such a sensitive state emotionally that I don’t think I would have reacted rationally. Not that what happened when he confessed was rational, but the amount of time that’s passed with his lies justified that reaction. At least to me.
But now I need to know just exactly what’s happened with my dad this past year. I need to know everything he’s told him, to know how many of my secrets have been shared. And I need to know what drove him to keep hiding things from me.
“Can we talk?” he asks quietly. “And I don’t just mean hang out in the silence like this but really talk? Please?”
Here's to Forever Page 7
