The Existence of Amy

by Lana Grace Riva

  'How very profound of us. Could well be he just lost his shoes that morning and painted this expressing only thoughts of 'where the hell did I put them?''

  Ed laughs. 'Very possibly.'

  All too soon we hear the announcement to signal the museum is closing shortly so we unwillingly make our way to the exit, resolving to come back for another visit. Although I'm not sure when given we only have a few days left.

  I find myself unexpectantly wishing as Ed had suggested, that we had indeed extended the trip to include more holiday days.

  We decide to go for a walk around an area called the Rocks before going back to meet the others at the hotel.

  We don't get far though before we bump into them. They seem to have had a similar idea about where to go when they finished work.

  Nathan reminds us about the harbour bridge climb some people are doing later when it gets dark. I'd forgotten about this as I declined his offer to join a while back when he was booking it.

  This was a tough one for me to decline. I know before I would not have hesitated in agreeing to participate in this. I love heights. I'm not sure why, maybe because it's closer to the sky. It feels like there's more air up high. More space to breathe.

  It would be conceivable to think that given my new best friend is fear, the reason I am declining is because I have now grown to become scared of heights.

  That is not the reason. I still love heights. I just can't be in a situation with that much lack of control.

  I can't be in a line of people all very close to each other, potentially bumping into me.

  I can't hold on to anything that I'm sure health and safety will dictate you have to hold on to.

  I can't put on safety clothing they will no doubt insist I wear. Clothing that has clothed numerous other strange bodies.

  I can't make it stop if I need it to immediately.

  I can't.

  And so, I don't.

  Sally decided it wasn't for her either. Her reasons I think I can safely conclude are nothing remotely like mine. It's nice anyway to have her company when the time comes for the others to leave. We settle ourselves in a bar with a view of the bridge. It's unlikely we will be able to clearly identify anyone, but that won't stop us guessing.

  Sally, after confessing that she is really scared of heights says, 'I honestly don't know how anyone views that as fun, I would be petrified, frozen to the spot.'

  I smile. 'Just as well you didn't attempt it then.'

  'I wonder if some people do react that way though. They might be doing it to challenge themselves and then panic halfway and can't move. I guess the organisers are probably trained to deal with that kind of reaction though.'

  'They probably are but that wouldn't offer me much reassurance if I was the one panicking. I can't see any obvious way for them to get you immediately back on the ground.'

  'No. You'd still likely have to face walking back down. And aside from the trauma of that, it would be so embarrassing being the freak that had a meltdown and held up everyone else.'

  She says this in a jokey manner, but I can't help but feel annoyed at her words. Sometimes I like to believe/pretend that people don't notice weird behaviour; comments like this put a little dent in that belief and I don't want any dents.

  'Anyway,' she continues 'Can we change the subject? I am feeling sick just thinking about this.'

  I laugh. 'Sure.'

  I comply and ask about her husband, 'How is Adrian? Was he ok about you being away for so long?'

  Sally and Adrian are the couple that are glued to each other's sides whenever it be at all possible.

  'Oh, he's ok. I mean, he definitely wasn't happy about it. It would be easier if we were at least in a vaguely similar time zone. But we'll survive. I do wish he was here though; he'd really love it.'

  'I can't quite imagine anyone not loving Sydney.'

  'No, very true. I think I will suggest to him we come back for a visit. Maybe for next year's anniversary or something.'

  'Good idea, gives you almost a year to save up.'

  Sally and Adrian just recently had an anniversary. I know this not because I have capacity in my brain to remember such dates, but because I was not invited to their celebrations.

  They had a big party on a boat and pretty much everyone in the office was invited except for me.

  This caused heated arguments between Ed and Sally as he tried in vain to persuade her to invite me, but she simply would not back down.

  I completely understood Sally's side and whilst it hurt, I didn't take any real offense. She was over being let down by me. So, she took the route of protecting her own feelings by simply not inviting me.

  Some friends give you only so many chances and I think I am close to running out with Sally. I have quite possibly already run out. We are still friends, but our friendship has changed because of my inability to engage in the way she needs me to.

  There have just been too many occasions where I haven't been capable of behaving in an acceptable way for her. She naturally reached the conclusion I didn't care about our friendship. She then went forth and matched this perceived lack of caring with her own.

  I cannot and will not blame her. I am simply thankful she still talks to me at all.

  Chapter 27

  When the others have finished and come and join us, they are unsurprisingly on some kind of high. Nobody froze. Nobody panicked. They all simply enjoyed the experience and felt no other feelings besides awe and happiness.

  They recount the experience to us with the kind intention of trying to include us. Not in any way similar to the way Sally approached the kayaking retelling. I find myself desperate to hear their words. I listen intently to every single one and try and relive it through them.

  I am so immensely jealous.

  Beyond jealous. If a word existed to represent some higher level of standard jealousy, I am that.

  I've missed out yet again. I have of course been allowed to watch because it's not cruel enough just to hear about. I maybe couldn't identify who was who, but I knew it was people. People engaging in life, engaging in amazing experiences.

  It would have been too dangerous for you Amy. I was protecting you by making you say no.

  But they had so much fun and nothing bad happened to them.

  They got lucky.

  Is it really just luck?

  Yes. You would not be so lucky. You are not a lucky person. I need to protect you.

  Protect me from fun?

  Don't get smart. Protect you from harm. You know you need me.

  I'm not really sure I do know that.

  Well I know and that's enough for both of us.

  You stop me from doing so much though. How can they all be considered dangerous when lots of other people are doing them?

  They just are.

  That's a terrible argument.

  I never pertained to be good at providing reasons. I just know I need to protect you.

  Look at the joy on their faces. Will I ever experience that again?

  I don't care about joy. I care about keeping you alive.

  Alive with no joy.

  As I said, I don't care about joy.

  This is exhausting. I will never understand.

  Fine. We need to stop this now anyway, there's a stain on this seat you are sitting on that needs your attention.

  Chapter 28

  The following evening after work some of the Sydney guys mention they are going for a surf and ask if anyone else would like to join.

  Sally left early to go and meet up with an old school friend who moved to Sydney a few years ago. Ed and Nathan are up for it though and persuade me to go along and watch.

  They are delighted I agree to going along even if only to watch so I don't feel too bad about not participating in the actual surfing. They of course very sweetly ask if I want to surf but by this point no one is expecting any other answer than no.

  No one that is except Jess. Jess is a designer in the Sydney
office, and we've been getting on well. She has a fun laid back outgoing spirit and we share a similar humour.

  I seem to gravitate more towards laid back people in choosing friends. I imagine it might be because my body is desperately trying to balance out my extreme non laid-backness.

  Jess loves surfing and is desperate for me to try it.

  'You'll love it Amy, I promise!' she says.

  'It does look fun, but I can pretty much guarantee I will be terrible at it. I struggle with balance on dry land so attempting it on top of moving water is really not a good idea.'

  She laughs. 'Everyone thinks that at first, but we'll teach you how to do it. Just give it a go. I am not taking no for an answer.'

  You don't have to take it. You can leave it on the ground if you really want but it's the only answer that will be offered. However, I keep my answer to a silent smile and hope that she won't be so forceful once we get to the beach.

  The chosen surfing location is quite a bit of a drive but the atmosphere in the car is relaxed and happy. No one seems to be suffering from common workday tiredness that usually attacks at this time of day. I'm not sure if this is how it always is but it's hard not to compare lives.

  It's sunny, light and warm outside. The beach we eventually arrive at is hard to describe. Even the word stunning seems inadequate to capture its beauty. It's not overly crowded as they've taken us to a less well known one. It's mainly locals here and they're here to surf. Being able to come here regularly after work must surely be a vitamin for the soul.

  I manage to appease Jess when we initially arrive with a promise that I will at least think about surfing after I've watched them for a bit first.

  I sit on the sand and watch them all and can't help but become mesmerized. It really does look so much fun.

  I wasn't lying to Jess about the balance thing – aside from the obvious instability in my brain, I am not overly balanced in main body either, so I do genuinely think I wouldn't be very good at surfing. But I know that would not have stopped me before.

  I would have given it a go.

  I start to feel the strangest sensation and slowly realise what it is. I've somehow managed to tune into that old part of me I thought had long left my body. The part that was willing to give new things a go. And be excited at the prospect.

  As I watch them surf over waves, the sensation glides through me.

  It's so distant and vague I almost miss it. But it's there. I can't get near it to fully grasp hold off it so all I can do is notice it and acknowledge it appear then gradually slip away again.

  A distant longing to be out there on the waves too.

  Jess appears at my side after some time.

  'It's amazing out there today!'

  I smile. 'It looks it. You're really good, I'm impressed.'

  'Thanks. I love it so much. Any chance I get I am out there, so I've had a lot of practice.' The look in her eyes when she looks back out to the ocean is mirroring the feeling I just noticed.

  She looks back to me and says, 'So, shall we start our lesson? It's best to start on the beach.'

  'Jess, it's so kind of you to offer to teach me but really, I'm fine just watching.'

  'Well, tell your face that because the expression I have been seeing was one of wanting desperately to join in.'

  She reads my face well. Ok, time for some lying. Sorry Jess. I don't want to do this, I really don't but I can see you are not going to let this drop and I don't want it to ruin our new friendship. There is plenty of time for it to be inevitably ruined in the future. Let's try and put that time off a little longer.

  'The thing is, I can't swim.'

  'Oh, really? How come?'

  'I just never learnt.'

  'But didn't they teach you at school?'

  'Some schools do but mine didn't. We don't have the big free expanse of swimming water that you guys have over here remember.'

  She laughs. 'Ah, fair enough then. That's such a shame though! I really wanted you to try it.'

  'I know, it is a shame.' The look of disappointment on my face to match these words is entirely genuine.

  Now she has finally accepted there is no point in continuing with trying to persuade me to surf she changes the subject and we chat for a while longer until the others eventually join us.

  Jess has severely cut short her surfing time for me, despite me repeatedly telling her she didn't need to stay with me on the beach. I'm glad she did though as she's fun to talk to, but also because I think it was wise that I had some distraction.

  The feeling of longing to be out on the ocean I fear may soon have distorted into some kind of torment.

  Ed and Nathan are up with a happiness high on the journey back, so I am treated again to the searing jealousy.

  I love seeing my friends happy. I really do. But jealousy seems to make an evil prowl around these moments with increasing frequency.

  Chapter 29

  All too soon we find ourselves at the end of our two-week visit. It has gone with cliché speed.

  The last night of the trip is one of the best. Despite us all feeling a little sad to be going home, we appear to have silently agreed to make the very most of enjoying the night.

  When we eventually leave our newly adopted favourite bar, we're all a little inebriated but no one offensively so. Everyone is still making coherent sentences, and no one's face has taken on a pale hue indicating oncoming unpleasantness.

  We are on a nice stroll back to the hotel when Ed asks if I fancy a bit of a detour.

  'One of the guys in the office was telling me about this place with amazing views of the harbour, would be good to check it out.'

  Alcohol has been kind to me tonight. My waking hours generally exist in a state of perpetual tiredness which I imagine is attributed to the amount of brain energy constantly in use. This sometimes means, however, that when I drink alcohol all it does is tip me over the tiredness threshold. I experience a feeling best described as 'must lie down this immediate second' tired.

  Tonight, however, I have been spared this feeling and so happily agree to Ed's suggestion.

  We drift away from the others and head off on our detour.

  We walk in silence for a little while, content in each other's company and Sydney's streets.

  Once we reach the recommended place, we face each other and smile. It is indeed an incredibly beautiful view of the harbour we are rewarded with.

  We maintain our silence a little longer just observing our magical surroundings. I feel a very rare wave of peace wash through me.

  Ed speaks first. He somewhat sharply breaks the silence with words I would not have even vaguely guessed at.

  'Ebony sometimes thinks we're having an affair.'

  Ebony is Ed's wife. Oh. Did I not mention he's married?

  Ebony is lovely. I don't see her all that often but when I do, she is always warm and friendly towards me. She always includes me in social occasions. Despite my numerous rejections she doesn't seem deterred to stop inviting me. That could perhaps be Ed's influence, but I get the feeling it's not actually only that.

  We get on really well. She is all the things I am not though – relaxed, outgoing, spontaneous, adventurous. Perfect wife material for Ed.

  I am very clearly not perfect wife material. Not for Ed. Not for anyone. I honestly cannot imagine why she would ever even faintly worry.

  'What? Why the hell would she think that?' I answer genuinely surprised.

  'I don't know. I guess maybe because we get on so well and I talk about you a lot. And other people at work make occasional comments that might have gotten back to her.'

  'Right.' I did not expect to be having this conversation. 'And how exactly do you respond?'

  'I tell her we're just good friends and that I care a great deal about you but it's nothing more than friendship.'

  'Good. Because you know that's how I feel about you too right? I would hate if you weren't my friend.'

  'I would hate it too.' He pauses
before continuing. 'I would hate it if you just weren't on this planet. The planet would be severely missing out. So, don't go leaving it anytime soon ok?'

  It sounds like a weird jokey thing to say. But unfortunately, we both know it's not jokey at all.

  I said some pretty dark things to Ed a while ago and unsurprisingly he increased his worry for me by quite a substantial amount after that incident.

  I had been having a particularly rough time of things and everything seemed to entirely overwhelm me one day. I felt almost certain that I just couldn't be alive anymore. It was too hard. Too excruciatingly painful to be awake, I needed it to stop.

  I spend my life feeling as though I am precariously placed on an almost invisible line of safety, surrounded by harm in all directions. Maintaining balance on this line is so far beyond the meaning of exhausting, no word exists for it. The temptation to let myself just fall swarms around me on a regular basis. On a couple of occasions, it has swarmed so near I feel all control leave my body and only some outside force can save me. On this occasion that outside force was Ed.

  The week leading up to it I had been incredibly quiet at work and I know now that Ed had noticed and become a little concerned. So, when I phoned in sick to work, he sent me a message as soon as he found out I was not going to be in. Our conversation went something like this:

  Hey Amy, are you ok?

  No.

  I didn't even have the capacity to pretend. The only words and feelings I had access to were negative.

  What's wrong? How can I help?

  You can't help. No one can.

  Let me try. Tell me what's going on?

  Just some stuff. Stuff I don't know how to deal with. Or if it's even actually possible to deal with. It's too hard Ed. I can't do it. I really can't. I'm too tired. I can't fight anymore.

  I will help you. Whatever it is, we can work out how to deal with it together.

  I'm sorry. You've been such an amazing friend to me. Always remember I thought that ok?