The Existence of Amy

by Lana Grace Riva

  'I don't know what you're talking about. I think you're imaging things. You've drunk a fair bit so it's not entirely implausible you might have imagined seeing something because you wanted to see it, don't you think?'

  'Don't do that. I know what I saw, and I know you know I'm not imaging anything, so just cut the bull and tell me again why you guys are not going on another date?'

  I'm silent for a few minutes. I have no valid reason for Ed. Not one I can speak anyway. He would find it pretty hard to believe I'm still in love with my ex given I barely ever mention him. So that excuse is not an option and I seem completely unable to locate any others.

  'Look Ed, I did what you asked. I went on a stupid date and that was all I had to do so why can't you let this go?'

  'Because I don't understand. You guys clearly really like each other so you need to make me understand why you won't take it further.'

  'I'm not going to get into a relationship with someone just to make you feel better ok? I want to make things easier for you, of course I absolutely do. I will do anything else you suggest. But dating Ben is not going to work so please just drop it.'

  'Jeez Amy, I'm not asking you to date the guy just for my benefit. Yes, I know what I said in Singapore and I do still believe it will help me. But I want this for you. I want to see you happy. And I just don't know why you don't let yourself try and be happy.'

  I am not party to that decision Ed. These words will make even less sense to him, so I feebly respond with silence instead.

  'Silence. Great. You're not even going to grace me with some kind of explanation?' He's getting angry now and Ed pretty much never gets angry.

  I can't see this leading anywhere good tonight so when I thankfully spot an available taxi, I flag it down.

  'Just go home Ed, we can talk about this another time.'

  'We won't though. I want to talk about it now. Why can't we just talk about it now?'

  'Because you've had a lot to drink and you're getting angry and I don't want to speak to you like this.'

  And I need some time to figure out a better explanation to placate you. I silently add.

  He looks exasperated about to launch into further words but stops himself. As though he suddenly becomes aware that any further words are likely ones he will regret. He responds instead with a simple 'Fine.'

  He walks off, neglecting to impart his usual beautiful words to the taxi driver of 'make sure she gets home safe mate, precious cargo.'

  Ed and I never fight. This does not feel good. I just couldn't find anything to say to stop the night ending up this way.

  I sense his anger and annoyance is a build-up of so much more beyond me not going on a second date with Ben.

  Please don't let this be you starting to leave me too Ed. Please don't give up on me.

  Chapter 36

  It's the weekend the day after our argument so at least Ed has a couple of days to calm down. I'm somewhat naively hoping he'll have decided to drop the matter by Monday and things will just go back to normal Amy and Ed.

  I consider sending him a message or calling him over the weekend but every time I try to think of what to say, nothing seems to feel right.

  I opt to just hope instead that space will resolve the argument and we won't have to discuss it again.

  It's an unsettling couple of days for me though, I feel fragility creeping into my friendship with Ed and it doesn't feel good. Not good at all.

  So much of my existence is fragile, I can't bear the thought of it affecting Ed too.

  Time passes torturously slowly despite my numerous efforts to distract myself with films, books and chores. I feel an overwhelming urge to be in his company. But I also sense he needs space, so I maintain my resolve in not contacting him.

  Monday morning finally arrives. I anxiously approach my desk, eager to find out where Ed's head is at, but it's only Sally who is in so far.

  'Friday was a fun night wasn't it?' she asks before quickly adding, 'That is an actual question by the way, it's a little hazy what I remember.'

  I laugh. 'Yes, it was fun. Drunk Sally was being very amusing. Don't worry though, I promise she wasn't offensive in any way.'

  'Ok good.' she looks visibly relieved before continuing, 'I think it was Ed who got me home safely so remind me to thank him whenever he gets back.'

  'Um no, not Ed. Maybe Nathan?'

  'Oh gosh. Please let it have been Nathan and not some random I hardly know.'

  'Wait, what did you mean when Ed gets back? Gets back from where?'

  'He phoned in requesting a few days off apparently. I didn't get told the reason.'

  Right.

  I pick up my phone instinctively to send him a message but then stop myself. Maybe he's decided two days space was not enough. Maybe he needs more and needs it to be free of any contact from me.

  I don't know for sure if his time off is related to our argument on Friday but if it is and this is how he needs to deal with it, then I will go along with it. However intensely hard that may be for me. I put my phone back down on my desk and get on with some work.

  It's horrible not knowing though. Work is not the same without him. I keep finding myself turning to speak to him only to be greeted by the sad vision of his empty desk.

  Please come back soon Ed.

  I'll try harder. I don't know how, but I'll figure it out. I'll be a better friend. Please don't give up on me.

  Chapter 37

  As the days pass, I find it more and more excruciating trying to work out what I should do. Should I have gotten in touch? Maybe this isn't anything to do with us and something personal has happened that he's needed time off for. Am I being a rubbish friend by not checking up on him?

  By late Wednesday afternoon I make the decision to message him. I can't bare not knowing any longer.

  Hey, everything ok?

  His response comes back within minutes.

  Yeh, just some stuff going on with Ebony. It's fine though. Just needed some time off to sort it. I'll be back tomorrow.

  Ok good. I mean, hopefully it's not bad stuff he's talking about that's going on with Ebony, but I can't help but feel relieved he isn't taking time off because he's avoiding me.

  I'm a little less sure about this though when he appears the next day. He still seems to be angry. He barely says two words to me all day beyond answering work related questions. His presence feels very much distant from me.

  Sally is on holiday now for a few days, but Nathan is clearly picking up on the tension.

  'You and Ed ok?' he asks me later when we bump into each other getting water.

  'Yeh.'

  'Hmm… not sure I really believe that. There's a whole heap of tension surrounding our desks and I'm not loving it. Can you figure it out with him please?'

  'It's not me. I think he has some stuff going on at home.' Seems like maybe it is a bit me too though.

  'Ok well, let's hope it resolves soon because this is a struggle to sit next to.'

  'You'll survive I'm sure.' I smile. 'Maybe take him out for a drink or something though tonight? I don't think I'm the friend to help him at the moment.'

  'Ok sure, I'll suggest it.'

  Ed declines Nathan's offer though and goes straight home.

  Nathan shrugs at me after Ed has gone. 'I tried. Back to you now.'

  More days pass and nothing seems to be improving. I've never seen Ed like this before. He's almost cold in his responses to me, and I can feel anger emanating from him as he over-reacts to any and every slight annoyance that presents itself to him.

  I'm more and more convinced he's decided hating me is the cure for his feelings.

  He's out for lunch one day when Nathan wheels himself round to my desk.

  'Ok Ames, this has gone on long enough. I think something is going on between you two and I want to help. You know once Sal gets back she will be way more blunt than me, so if you want to spare us all that then work with me here please. So. What can I do?'

  'We had
a slight disagreement the other night in the pub. I didn't think it was all that big a deal, but I guess maybe I was wrong.'

  'What was the disagreement about?'

  'Basically, I promised him I would do something. I did the thing I promised. But despite that, he didn't think I tried hard enough so he got angry.'

  'Delightfully cryptic Ames, thanks. But ok, I can live without the detail I guess. Do you think you tried hard enough?'

  'Yes.'

  Do I really think that? I'm not sure. This is sometimes what I think is a big part of my problem. I don't try hard enough. Or rather, I'm not physically able to try hard enough. I'm just simply too weak.

  'And did you tell him that?'

  'Yes. Well, I think I did. I can't really remember now.'

  'Well maybe try telling him again? If you really believe you did your best, then Ed is not going to hold it against you if you couldn't achieve what he wanted you to.'

  'I guess.'

  'Talk to him, please. Try.' He smiles and wheels himself back round to his desk.

  Nathan leaves early that day I'm almost certain to give Ed and I time to speak. He winks his goodbye to me, and I know the silent words behind it are 'Do it now.'

  Ok. Here goes.

  'Ed, is your head in something, or can we chat?'

  He doesn't break stare from his screen but after a painful pause he replies, 'Give me five.'

  It's fifteen minutes before he speaks. I am of course counting and each one of those fifteen minutes is excruciating.

  He slowly moves over to my desk and says, 'Ok, what's up?'

  It's not what's up with me Ed, it's very much what's up with you. But I don't make any jokey comment to this affect because this needs to stay serious.

  'Something not good is going on with you and I'm really hating it so can you talk to me please? Let me know what you're thinking and how I can help?'

  He looks at me intently for a little while before speaking. His expression is a heavy mixture of sadness, confusion, anger, resigned. He eventually replies with, 'Ebony's been offered a job in Singapore.'

  Oh. Not remotely the response I was expecting.

  'That's great news! Wow. Good for her, she must be so excited. And you too – what a great opportunity for you guys. Wow. Really, so great!' I genuinely mean all this but I'm cycling fast into manic waffling territory, so I stop at that.

  He looks at me a little perplexed. 'Is it great news? You're happy if I leave?'

  'Well no, obviously I'm not happy about the you leaving part, but I'm happy for you both if it's something you really want to do.' I pause before asking, 'Is it something you want to do?'

  'We always talked about living abroad at some point but now it's actually manifested as an option I'm not so sure how I feel about it. It's a great opportunity sure, and I'm certain we'd love it there and all those good things. But I keep coming back to what I'd be leaving behind. This job, family, friends…'

  'Maybe you could keep this job and work remotely?'

  'Yeh maybe. I've already asked about it and they've said they'd be willing to try it out. But I'm not sure if it's maybe better to try something new you know?'

  'It probably would be. It might be harder to settle when you're still attached to something back here.'

  'Yeh.'

  'Plus, a new job might be fun. You've worked here quite a while now and whilst I know you love it, expanding your experience would still be a good thing. There are lots of other jobs out there with potential to love just as much.'

  'Maybe.'

  We look at each other in silence. I know as well as he does that this job is so much more than just the actual work. Besides the obvious importance of our friendship being a factor, we have fun working here. It's a great group of people to work with and that's not always so easy to replicate.

  I continue on, 'Leaving friends and family will be tough, but you can make it work. You can visit and video chat and yes, it won't be the same, but you'll make new friends to replace the old. Family is obviously harder to replace but still, people do this all the time and their lives are all the better for it. You will miss people sure, but there will be so much fun exciting new stuff going on that you'll soon get distracted and in time the missing will become less. I know you struggled with it a bit when you lived in Sydney, but Singapore is not quite as far away, plus Ebony will be with you. This is a good thing Ed. I think you should go.'

  'Do you really think that or are you just saying it to convince me because you think it's something I need to hear?'

  'Bit of both probably.' I smile. 'Of course, for selfish reasons I want you to stay sitting next to me for the rest of our lives but that's not how it works is it. I will miss you terribly but if I know you're happy then it will take a little of the harshness out of the missing.'

  'What if I want to stay sitting next to you for the rest of our lives?'

  'Then you must refer to my previous comment – not an option. One of us has to move jobs at some point and this might be the universe letting us know you're the one to go first.'

  We stare at each other in silence for a few moments. Are we still talking about jobs? This feels like we're wandering into dangerous territory.

  'Well, we're still just in the talking about it phase anyway. Ebony's having her own wobble about it so it might not even happen.'

  'So, wait, this is what you've been so angry and grumpy about? I was getting it in my head it was about our argument in the pub.'

  'No. I was totally out of order that night Ames, I'm sorry. I thought about it a lot afterwards once I'd sobered up and it was unfair of me to push you. I was going to call and apologise the next day but then Ebony shared her news and I got distracted. Don't get me wrong, I do get frustrated at not understanding sometimes with you, but I had no right to force you into dating Ben. I'm really sorry.'

  'It's fine. I know where your intentions were. It just freaked me out a bit seeing you so angry.'

  'I know, I don't know why I got like that. Too much to drink probably.'

  Yes. Let's stay with the safe too much alcohol excuse.

  Chapter 38

  A few weeks pass and I am pottering about my apartment one Saturday when I hear a message come through on my phone. I'm surprised to see Ed's name pop up as we're not usually in touch over weekends.

  Hey Amy, I know it's the weekend but any chance we could meet up later today? Really need to talk to you about something.

  I'm pretty sure I know what this is about, but I won't press him via phone message.

  We have not really spoken much again about Singapore. He needs to make this decision with Ebony. I've felt wary about getting too involved. Despite believing it to be a good thing for him, I'm not sure I could contain my obvious selfish reasons about wanting him to stay. That doesn't feel fair, so I have kept largely silent on the matter unless he has specifically brought it up.

  He may have been thinking along the same lines as he has barely mentioned the subject. I think though today we are going to be talking about it.

  Sure, where and when shall I meet you?

  A couple of hours later we're in a café and after a brief nervous smile and hello, Ed gets straight to it.

  'We're going to Singapore.'

  Right.

  'I had a feeling that might be what this little meet up was going to be about.' I smile.

  'I wanted you to be the first to know, before I tell anyone else at work, and it didn't feel right telling you at the office.' He pauses as if to gauge my reaction but I'm not sure I'm having much of one yet. This feels like a delayed reaction situation.

  He continues, 'It's been driving us both crazy going back and forth trying to decide but eventually we just figured we might as well give it a go. We can always come back if it doesn't work out. It doesn't have to be forever does it?'

  'No. That's a good way to look at it. Just go with no expectations but make the most of the experience and see where it leads.'

  'Exactly.'

>   'So, when will you leave?'

  'Ebony has to leave pretty much straight away as she's already delayed the job offer long enough. So, she'll head out first and start getting set up whilst I hang back and tie up stuff that needs to be sorted here. Not sure how long that will take – maybe a month or two?'

  This is fast but we probably need it to be.

  'Gosh, busy times then. If you need a hand organising anything then just let me know.'

  'Thanks. Think I might need to rope in Sal's supreme organisation skills for this one.'

  'Good idea.' I smile.

  We chat a bit longer but it's sort of feeling a bit fake. We both want to believe this a good thing to be happening and none of the words coming out of our mouths are fake. But there is sadness swarming in the joy of the words.

  I need to leave. I need to absorb this on my own and not let the sadness spill out in front of him.

  We say our goodbyes and I walk in the opposite direction of my home. I'm not entirely sure where I'm walking but it feels like this is what I need to be doing right now.

  I do want this for Ed. I know it will be a good thing for him and I'm sure will make him happy. I just wish that happiness didn't involve him leaving my life.

  Sure, we'll keep in touch via email and video chat, and maybe even make the occasional visit, but I know how these things go. The contact will slowly become less and less until we're phased out of each other's lives completely.

  I'm not sure I'm ready to lose him too. He will be the hardest one to lose. I know how lucky I've been to have him as a friend. His patience and kindness towards me have been such beautiful gifts.

  I don't know that I'll be lucky enough to experience it again with anyone else. It will be heart-breaking to lose. But I'm still so glad and grateful it existed in my life even if only for a temporary time.

  Thank you Ed.

  Chapter 39

  The days in the lead up to Ed leaving are tough but I know I have to try and savour this time. I sense Ed knows this too so we both embark on happily deluding ourselves that he is not actually leaving.