Whiskey Nights

by Fabiola Francisco

  I wait silently for her to speak more than one word. She’s the one that called me.

  “How are you?”

  “Peachy.” My sarcasm even surprises me. I know it’s not her fault.

  “I don’t know what to say. I just want to make sure you’re okay and let you know that I’m here if you need me.”

  “Thanks.” I soften a bit.

  “Does it help to know that he’s devastated as well?”

  “No. That makes it harder. God, Sav everything was so perfect. One simple difference, and it’s over. Did I make a mistake?”

  “Wanting to have children isn’t insignificant. That’s not an easy decision to make or something you can easily give up.”

  “I know. It just hurts so bad,” I cry.

  “I know it does. Why don’t you come visit us? It will help to get away and be with friends. Fourth of July is coming up soon. You can come then. Or make the trip tomorrow and just completely disconnect.”

  “I don’t know. I can’t leave the bakery for so many days. It’s already been five and I think my boss is going to fire me if I don’t get back to work.”

  “Beth, Sweet Delights is running just fine.”

  “Yeah,” I sigh.

  “Will you come?”

  “Maybe I will come for the Fourth.” I really don’t feel like traveling anywhere but agreeing to that will help ease her mind even if I don’t end up visiting. Right now I can only think about this moment and not make plans for the future. I don’t want to think about the future. That’s what got me into this mess in the first place. Stupid, stupid future! Don’t they say to live in the moment and all that? No time like the present? Well, why did I have to go and bring up something that won’t happen for a long time?

  “Okay,” she lets out, defeated. Savannah knows I am nowhere ready to travel or see people.

  We hang up and I close my eyes. I think about drinking, but I’m already numb and I don’t even think whiskey will help me feel better. I must be really messed up if I think that. Sleep. I’ll sleep and hope that the next time I open my eyes ten years will have passed by.

  “Here,” I say dropping the plate with fresh scones and walk back into the kitchen.

  “Thanks,” Lacy says somewhere behind me, but I am already isolating myself.

  Bake, bake, bake that’s all I have done this week. Focus on flour, sugar and milk. Forget the world that crumbled down all around me and try to focus on work. It has been two weeks without Jake, and my life feels emptier than ever. They say out of sight, out of mind, but whoever made up that phrase was either a cold-hearted bitch or a liar. Either way that phrase is bullshit.

  “Beth?” Lacy sticks her head into the kitchen.

  “What?” I keep my eyes down on the mixing bowl.

  “Sorry to bother you, but I kinda need your help out here.”

  “I’ll be right there,” I say, annoyed. I just want to be left alone. I don’t want anyone to talk to me or look at me or give me their sound relationship advice. All of a sudden everyone knows what you are going through because they have suffered a break-up at some point in their lives. No. They do not fucking get what it is like to lose the person they thought they would spend the rest of their life with. I bet any break-up Savannah has gone through would not compare to losing Parker. And Lacy has not found that one person yet. Emily has not broken up with Wes. They do not fucking get it, and I am tired of hearing everything will be okay and time heals all wounds.

  “What do you need, Lacy?” I ask, making my way out to the register.

  “It just got kind of busy. Can you help me serve while I take orders?”

  “Yep.” I package the pastries people ordered and hand them out to customers. People smile, but I just give them what they want and continue onto the next one. A family comes in with small kids, and I want to punch them. It’s not their fault I’m miserable, but I really want to punch them. Geez, Beth, they’re children.

  “Here,” I hand the mother her box.

  “Thanks, Beth. Can I add a cupcake? Sorry, Ben just saw your chocolate cupcakes and wanted one.” I look at Ben’s toothless smile and roll my eyes. Double punches to my gut—child and chocolate. Both of those things bring back memories, one happy and one devastating.

  “Here,” I push the packaged cupcake and storm away. I don’t even care that everyone stopped to stare.

  “Beth, what the fuck was that?” Lacy walks into the kitchen a few minutes later. “Dude, I get you’re going through some rough times, but you can’t just treat customers like that. Leave that shit in here, but when you’re out there serving customers pretend to fucking smile.”

  I am not in the mood to get chastised by Lacy. Not one fucking bit. “Let it go. It wasn’t that bad.”

  “Are you kidding me? Donna’s face was totally shocked. I had to kinda explain what was going on so she wouldn’t question our customer service. That’s one thing Savannah has worked really hard on, and she takes extremely serious how customers feel here.”

  “You had no right to tell Donna what is going on in my personal life.”

  “Then leave your personal life outside the bakery. Don’t bring your shit in here if you don’t want people questioning your attitude.”

  “You don’t need to be such a bitch,” I respond. Maybe I can punch her.

  “B, you’re the one being a bitch. I get it. You want to yell at me, go right ahead, but we can’t do that to customers.” She slumps her shoulders and looks at me with compassion. “I know you’re hurting, and I wish I could make you feel better but I can’t. Why don’t we go visit Sav for the Fourth? She said to close the bakery for the weekend anyway.”

  “I don’t know, Lace. It just hurts so much.” Tears begin to roll down my face. You would think by now I would have no more tears left to cry.

  “It will be good to get away. I’m dying to see the new bakery,” she smiles, hopeful.

  “Maybe.”

  “We can leave Thursday and be there for the weekend. I’m sure they’ll have some fun activities on Friday to celebrate. We’ll come back Sunday. It’s perfect. If you stay here, you’re going to stay at home all weekend getting more depressed.”

  “Okay,” I mumble. I know she’s right. The bakery will be closed Thursday, Friday and Saturday to observe the Fourth of July and maybe getting away will help. Who knows?

  “Perfect. Now go home for the rest of the day and come back tomorrow morning fresh.”

  I leave Sweet Delights through the back not wanting to face anyone and head home. It is early so I try to catch a different yoga class. I change and head back out. My sunglasses will hide my true emotions.

  I worked harder than ever in my yoga class. Those Sun Salutations kicked my ass, but Savasana kicked my heart. Everything the instructor said was exactly what I needed to hear but didn’t want to. It is difficult to accept our reality sometimes and be grateful for our experiences when we do not want to face them. Sunglasses back on, I walk out of the studio and head to my car.

  “Beth?” I close my eyes. Breathe. Just keep breathing. I turn around.

  “Jake.”

  “How are you?” He takes a few steps towards me and halts. He looks terrible, and I just want to run and hold him close to me. I want to comfort him and allow him to comfort me.

  I shake my head in response to his question and he nods in understanding.

  “Me too,” he whispers. It would be so easy to lean into him and let him catch me. “I miss you.” He walks closer to me and his hand reaches out, his fingers barely touching my cheek. He’s let his beard grow out and his hair is longer, more disheveled. He looks like crap, a gorgeous mess.

  “I miss you, too,” I manage to say without my voice cracking.

  “Can’t we—”

  I interrupt him by shaking my head. “We’ll eventually be right back here.”

  “But I love you.”

  “I love you, too, but we want different things.”

  “I’ve been a mess.
I want to call you and hold you.”

  “Jake . . .”

  “I can’t help it. You stole my heart, and I can’t get it back.”

  “I know the feeling, but it will just be harder if we stay together. Can you look at me and tell me you’ve had a change of heart and want children all of a sudden?”

  “I want to be with you.”

  “Answer me.”

  “No.” He diverts his eyes from mine. I don’t want him to feel guilty about this.

  “No matter what, I’ll always love you. I meant it when I said that.” I run my hand down his cheek, sending all the love I can muster in that touch. I hate this. I hate that we can’t make this work, but despite him saying that I stole his heart, we still want different things.

  I somehow make it home and through the door in one piece. Seeing him was brutal. I turn on the shower and let the water wash away the tears falling from my eyes. How much more crying do I have left to do before I can feel again?

  I watch the road pass by quickly as we speed down the highway on the way to Atlanta. Lacy made sure I stayed true to my word and came to Georgia to visit Savannah. I know it may do me good to see my friends, but I still want to lock myself up and not deal with anyone. I am grateful Lacy has been silent on the way and just listened to music. She offered to drive, and I didn’t argue with her. Lord knows I’m incapable of focusing on the road for long periods of time. Memories of my drive up here with Jake flood my mind, but I am not as impatient to arrive as before. Once we arrive, memories of us in Atlanta will tear me apart. I did not think this through carefully.

  Four hours later, we are getting off the highway and following the directions I am reading off of the GPS to Savannah’s apartment. For some reason, the bitch that reads the directions isn’t working properly, so I need to tell Lacy where to turn.

  “Okay, next you’re going to look for Toonigh Street.”

  “When?”

  “In a couple of miles.”

  “So I keep going straight?”

  “Yes,” I say loudly.

  “Sorry, don’t yell! I hate when I don’t know where I’m going.”

  “Okay. In 1.2 miles you’re going to turn right.”

  “What’s the name of the street again?”

  “Toonigh.”

  “What is it?” she asks with raised eyebrows.

  “Toonigh,” I pronounce.

  “Why don’t you just say twenty-nine?”

  “What?” I look at her with confusion.

  “Instead of two nine, say twenty-nine.”

  “Because it’s not twenty-nine! It’s Toonigh. T-O-O-N-I-G-H.” I laugh. It’s the first time in three weeks that I have laughed.

  “Ohhh . . . What the hell does that mean?”

  “I don’t fucking know.” Lacy laughs with me. It feels good to just let go for a bit.

  “At least you laughed,” she says as she catches her breath.

  “Yeah,” I sigh. “Turn here!” She almost misses the turn, and I hold on to the “oh shit handle” before my body hits the car door.

  “Damn, sorry.”

  “It’s okay. You’re going to turn left in half a mile on Peachtree Road.”

  I finish instructing her and we finally make it to Savannah’s apartment complex in one piece. I take a few deep breaths before walking out of the car. I am here to disconnect not wallow in memories of Jake. I am here to spend time with friends and begin to heal if that is even possible.

  Lacy and I grab our bags and walk up to Savannah’s apartment.

  “Hey,” Savannah greets us and pulls me into a hug. I hug her back and tears gather in my eyes. I feel Lacy bring our bags in and close the door.

  After a longer than usual hug, Savannah steps back and looks at me. “I’ve got whiskey and wine. Your pick.”

  I swipe at the tears and chuckle, “Whiskey.”

  We walk in and settle down in her living room while she serves three whiskeys neat. Lacy and Savannah engage in conversation while I chug my drink and serve a second one. They talk about Sweet on You, how business is doing and Savannah’s life in Georgia. They skate around relationship topics for my sake, but it would not make any difference if they did or not, I am still thinking about Jake and what could have been. How ridiculous that I feel so heartbroken after such a short span of time. We weren’t even together for that long.

  “B, are you okay?” Lacy asks.

  “Huh? Oh, yeah,” I reply and refocus on the conversation.

  “Do you want to order food?” Savannah asks.

  “Whatever. I’m going to get another drink. Do you guys want more?”

  “Yeah, I’ll help you,” Savannah says and stands up.

  We serve the three drinks and she looks at me. “Beth, it will be okay.”

  “Yep,” I reply. I don’t want to hear that anymore.

  “I don’t even know what to say. I’m sure you’re tired of people comforting you, but eventually the hurt will be less.”

  “How would you feel if you and Parker broke up knowing there wasn’t much you could do to fix your situation? You were able to pick up and move, Sav.”

  “I know. I understand that, and I would be devastated if Parker and I broke up. Honestly, there wouldn’t be much left of my life.” I give her a pointed stare. “Look, I get that wanting children is different than choosing where you live, but you gotta have hope that this is part of your personal journey.”

  “Sav, I don’t fucking care about my personal journey or destiny. I’m in love with him and he feels the same, why the fuck . . . ?” I can’t even finish. I take back my whiskey, welcoming the burn that travels within me and serve another one. “Can we please just not talk about him today?”

  “Okay.” She walks back into the living room, and I take a few calming breaths before joining them.

  We order Mexican food and eat in Savannah’s living room. I know tomorrow I will need to face everyone and celebrate the holiday, but tonight I want whiskey and silence.

  “Hey guys!” Emily walks up to us and gives us each a hug.

  “Hey, Em,” I say, smiling weakly.

  “How are you?”

  I shrug my shoulders in response. She wraps an arm around my shoulders and walks with me. “Cheer up, buttercup. Things will be A-okay.” I chuckle lightly at her wording and place my head on her shoulder.

  “That’s what everyone keeps saying,” I sigh. I feel like fucking Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh. The depressed . . . What animal is he supposed to be? Whatever, he is the depressed one of the group. What a label to own.

  I say hi to the rest of them and smile when Parker gives me a hug.

  “He misses you,” he whispers and I nod. I know Jake misses me. I miss him too. Should I have just let this slide and stayed with him? Worry about the future later on. Deep down I know it would be even harder. What if we were ready to get married and realized we wanted different futures? No, I did the right thing. I think.

  We get together at a community barbecue in Roswell. The place is full of people, young and old, laughing, eating and drinking. The energy is vibrant, and I am really trying to enjoy myself. I came all this way to disconnect after all.

  “Happy Fourth of July,” a guy says, sitting next to me on Parker’s tailgate.

  “Happy Fourth,” I give him a tight-lip smile and take a sip of my drink. We sit there awkwardly for some time before he asks my name. I tell him and learn his name is Clay. He is handsome, but not quite my type. My type is a certain bartender with tattoos and baby blues.

  It turns out Clay is friends with Parker and Savannah. After some small talk, he walks over to his other friends.

  I lose count of how many Crowns I drink throughout the evening. I snack on a few chips but stick mostly to my drink. It will help to further numb my heart.

  “Hey,” Savannah says as she climbs onto the tailgate next to me.

  “Hey.”

  “Are you at least enjoying your drink?”

  “Sorry. I know I have
n’t been much fun. I should’ve just stayed home.”

  “No way, I’m happy you’re here. I know it’s tough, but at least you’re making an effort.” I nod and stare at the people in front of me playing Cornhole. A group of people to my right are playing drinking games, and I smile back to the time I went with Jake to Justin’s barbecue and we played flip cup.

  “Look at her,” Savannah says. I follow her gaze and laugh.

  “She’s somethin’ else.” We stare at Lacy as she’s flirting with some random girl we don’t know. Leave it up to her to have the confidence to just jump into a conversation and flirt with someone.

  Savannah and I both laugh as we watch her. After some time, Savannah gives my hand a squeeze and smiles. “Beth, you’ll find happiness again.”

  “One day, maybe,” I say blinking quickly.

  “You will.”

  At the end of the evening, we all gather to watch the fireworks. The different colors blast in the sky, lighting it up magically. I wonder what Jake is doing, and if he would have come to Georgia if I hadn’t. Lacy places her head on my shoulder and holds my hand. I am grateful to have great friends in my life. Amid the fireworks, I see a shooting star. At least I think it is one, if not I just made a wish on a sparkle from the fireworks. Either way, I need to believe it will come true. I close my eyes and visualize my wish. Happiness.

  “Oh my god . . . Stop . . .” I wipe the tears from my face as I gasp for air. It feels good to laugh for a little bit.

  “I swear! It was so embarrassing,” Emily says loudly. She told us about an experience she had last week while she was at the gym. She hadn’t noticed that her leggings had ripped from behind and she was flashing everyone. Well, she was flashing just her crack. A guy came up to her and told her that her leggings had ripped. Apparently, he’s the hottest guy at her gym. When she ran her hands over her behind she was mortified. Running to the bathroom, she noticed they were indeed ripped straight over her ass crack, showing the small material of her thong before it disappeared, leaving her bare skin exposed for all to see.

  We’re all laughing as she blushes and drains her wine. I drink my whiskey once I control my laughter. I would die if something like that happened to me.