“Shall we order another round?” Savannah asks.
“Yes,” I say quickly. They all look at me with raised eyebrows. “What? I can use another drink.”
“Another drink it is then,” Savannah says in understanding.
We are at a cool looking bar for girls’ night in Midtown Atlanta that has live music. The rooftop bar is open to the warm summer night as the tunes coming from the band swirl in the breeze.
I am glad I came to Atlanta for the holiday weekend. Tomorrow it will be back to real life and moving on. I’m not sure how I am going to do that when I still feel broken inside, but I need to if I want to have a somewhat normal life. Is it possible to live a life without the one person you need most in it? Is it truly finding happiness when you settle for a partner only to have half of what you truly desire? Most importantly, will I be able to handle knowing Jake has moved on when I am still hung up on what could have been? Time will tell. Apparently time heals all wounds, or it will add to my insanity. Either way, I have no choice but to keep on moving forward.
Time has passed in a blur, and I can’t exactly say how long it has been since Jake and I broke up. I would give up my left ovary to be with him again, but that would probably hinder the possibility of having children, something he does not want. Maybe that would be compromising? Now, I’m thinking bullshit thoughts that don’t even make sense.
“Hey, Beth.”
“Oh, hey, Mike. How are you?”
“I’m great. You?”
“Good, thanks. What can I get ya?”
Mike orders his coffee and bagel. He has been a customer of ours for some time now. He’s a really nice guy and is always friendly when he comes in. He is also good-looking. A couple of years ago I had teased Savannah about dating him, but she said he had his eyes set on someone else. I ignored her jab.
“Beth,” Mike calls out before leaving.
“Yeah?”
“I was wondering if you’d like to go out some time.”
I try my hardest to keep my poker face and not curse my fate. It’s not that he’s a bad guy; I’m just not interested. My heart belongs to Jake, and it will for a long time.
“Sorry, Mike, I just got out of a relationship, and I’m not quite up to dating yet.”
Mike gives me a small smile and nods. “I understand. If you change your mind, you know where to find me.”
I nod and try my best to remain calm. When will I be ready to date again? Is it weird I feel as if I’m cheating on Jake by doing so? I know I broke up with him, but I also know, thanks to my sources, that he is still upset about our break-up. It doesn’t make it easier knowing he’s hurting and we could both just be happy . . . for now.
I notice Lacy eyeing me, and I excuse myself to walk into the kitchen. How long do I need to wait before I can start to live my life again? It’s almost as if I’m waiting for Jake. It’s not like there is much to wait on. We want different things in life, and I am tired of beating myself up over it. I cannot change it and neither can he, but the heart wants what it wants.
“B,” Lacy says as she walks into the kitchen to find me sitting on a stool with my face in my hands. “I heard Mike ask you out.” I don’t respond. I don’t want another speech.
“Maybe you could give him a chance? Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for Team Jake, but it might be fun to go out.”
“Not ready, Lace,” I say into my hands.
“I know, but are you ever really going to be ready until you take that step?”
I look up at her. “No. I just need some more time.”
“Beth, it’s been a month and a half.”
Huh. So that’s how long I’ve been living without Jake in my life. I stopped counting after the Fourth of July. It just wasn’t worth it. Regardless of how many days or weeks have passed, I am still missing him.
“Don’t they say you mourn the death of a relationship double the time you were together?” I ask.
“Death?”
I feel like death so yeah, I would say death, but I can tell Lacy thinks I’m insane.
“I think they say it’s half the time you were together. Really, I have no idea what they say, but does that really matter? You’re ready when you are. Forget the rules,” Lacy responds.
“And I’m not ready.”
“I know. I was just wondering if maybe you wanted to go out with Mike since he’s been drooling over you for quite some time. Thought it might just help kick start you into movin’ on.”
I roll my eyes. I refuse to move on. I am obviously getting in the way of my own happiness, but Jake was my ultimate happiness and I don’t want to settle for less than that. I love him, plain and simple.
I leave Lacy to close up the bakery and go to my yoga class. This will help me relax for an hour. It’s the healthiest thing I’ve done to cope with this break-up. My other form of coping is going to make me broke and fuck up my liver, but I don’t care. Whiskey is my friend and lately we have become well acquainted. It’s probably not the best thing to be thinking about while I’m in downward dog, but I can’t wait to get home and curl around a whiskey neat on my couch. After a focused yoga workout, I’m sure I can reward myself with a drink, or five. At the rate I’m going, I should have a wholesaler’s account direct to Jack Daniels. Just ship ’em on over, I’m stocking up on unlimited amounts. Anyone inside my mind would think I’m an alcoholic. Then again, I’ve been drinking like one lately. I’m fortunate whiskey doesn’t give me hangovers, or I’d be getting a speech from everyone.
I roll up my mat and head out to get my things in the cubbies outside the yoga room. I say bye to a few people and head home. I open the text message that came in while I was in class and stop walking.
Jake: Hey Beth . . . Just wanted to write and make sure you’re ok. In case you were wondering, I’m still yours and I still love you.
Great!
Why doesn’t someone just rip my heart out of my chest and leave me emotionless. I can’t respond to him. It hurts too much to read his messages. Breathe, Beth, just breathe. My eyes well up with tears, and I duck into my car quickly. I save the message and close my eyes before driving home. It’s taking too much out of me to stay away from him.
I speed home before I crash mid breakdown and run up to my apartment. I grab the bottle of Jack. Fuck the cup, Jack and I are getting intimate tonight. I take a swig and sit on the couch. The burn from the liquid travels down my body, but it doesn’t erase the pain. It takes more than just one shot to do the job. I take down more of the amber liquid as it burns a path down deep into my soul, slowly numbing me. Soon it will numb my memory too, at least for a little while.
Hmmm . . . My body hurts. Throbbing pain in my head and arms is all I feel. What the fuck? My body is stiff. Realization starts to hit and I open my eyes to find myself curled around the bottle of Jack on my couch. Fuck. Double fuck! The sun has already risen, which means I am so late for work. Lacy is going to kill me. That’s if the two-thirds bottle of Jack in my system won’t do the job for her. What happened last night?
I try to sit up and instantly feel sick. This is so not good. Whiskey, you’ve betrayed me, but it felt so good to let go and just forget. After the text message Jake sent me, I needed to forget the pain. Shit. Please tell me I didn’t write back, or worse, call him in my drunken state. I can’t remember anything after the few swigs of whiskey I took from the bottle. Why the hell did I get so drunk? Probably lack of food all day, I only had breakfast yesterday.
I need to find my phone. Great, it ran out of battery at some point during the night. I find my charger and plug it in while I make coffee. First I have to break-up with Jake, now I may need to dump Jack too. JD did me in good last night and my body is throbbing, but not from the throbbing I prefer. Coffee will help. Coffee always helps.
I jump in the shower, noticing the time on my microwave and curse—eight in the morning. Lacy will have my ass when I call her. I don’t blame her either. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck! As soon as the water hits my body I
slump and sit on the floor of the tub. The salt of my tears mix with the fresh water from the shower-head and I sob. I need to get my life under control and stop letting this break-up derail me. Nausea rises and I begin to dry heave as I cry. Last thing I need is to puke.
I hear faint pounding through my sobs but ignore it. I want to be alone. I send a silent prayer when it stops and continue to release all the emotions that have built up inside of me the last few weeks. I’m done fighting it. When the shower curtain swings open, I don’t move. The intruder can take what’s left of me. I hear a curse and look up. Before I can react, he kicks his shoes off and gets in the bathtub behind me. He holds me close to his chest, and I sob into Jake.
I don’t know how long we sit like that, me crying and him soothing me. He smells good. He smells like coming home after a long, excruciating journey.
“Beth . . . ?” I look up at him as I catch my breath. “I hate to see you like this.”
His eyes look sad and guilty. I reach up to cup his cheek and give him a weak smile.
“Your clothes are all wet.” He lets out a small chuckle.
“That’s okay. Lacy called me. She told me you hadn’t gone into work and you wouldn’t answer your phone. You scared the shit out of us. How much did you drink?”
I know he saw the bottle of whiskey when he walked in if he’s asking me that. He probably smells the alcohol seeping out of my pores.
“A lot.”
“How much?”
“What’s missing from the bottle in the living room.”
“Fuck!”
I look away from him. I don’t want him to feel guilty for this. This was my choice, and I have to take responsibility for it, whether I’m happy with it or not. I don’t want to cause him pain.
“Baby, you can’t drink like that. This isn’t worth it. The pain we’re putting ourselves through. I miss you.”
“I miss you, too, but unless you suddenly want to have kids, I don’t see it working. I want to experience everything in life, from loving you to eventually being a mother.”
He shakes his head and apologizes. “That’s not something I’ve ever wanted. It’s selfish of me, I know. I don’t want to feel tied down because of a kid. I think they’re adorable, but it’s not something I want to stop me from living. I want to be free to make choices, not have to stop and think about someone else waiting for me to take care of them.”
“So you want to be single. You didn’t seem to mind talking to me about decisions.”
“It’s different with you. I love you and want to do those things with you, but having a child changes things. If we want to pick up and go to Vegas, we can. Children get in the way of that. I know, I’m a selfish prick.”
“I get that, Jake. I like my independence, but it doesn’t mean I don’t want to have kids when the time comes. Priorities change, but not necessarily for the bad.”
“I don’t want to lose you.”
“I don’t see any other way. We’re at a crossroads, and what we want leads us down different paths.”
“I love you.”
“I love you, too. Always will.” I kiss his cheek and let him hold me a few more minutes.
“This is tearing me apart,” he says against my hair. Fresh tears cloud my vision, and I don’t hold them back.
We finally turn off the water and Jake wraps me in a towel. “So this is it?” he asks sadly.
“I guess.” I want to ask him if he’s really sure he doesn’t want a family some day, but he was clear and honest earlier. I want to demand that he change his mind, and I want to force myself to give up what I want to be with him, but eventually we’ll resent the life we settled for.
“I’ll leave this here,” he says as he pulls out my spare key from his pocket. His clothes stick to his body, and I want to peel them off his body and make love to him one last time. That will just hurt more. As it is, it’s killing me to watch him walk out of my life for a second time. I almost break when his hand reaches up and brushes against my skin with such tenderness. His lips brush softly against mine, and he leaves me alone in the bathroom. I have to find my strength, or I’ll die alone in a puddle of whiskey and tears.
“I’m going to kick your ass from here all the way to fucking Jupiter!” I cringe when I hear Lacy say this.
“Sorry,” I murmur. I had a shitload of missed calls and text messages from her, Jake and Savannah. I fucked up big time. I explain to her what happened, starting with the text message I got from Jake yesterday, my affair with Jack Daniels, his traitor ways and having Jake show up at my apartment. I apologize a million times promising to make it up to her, starting with a paid week off, or a month if she prefers. I need to make this up to her and Savannah. I’m lucky I’m still employed. I know I’ve been Queen Bitch this past month and a half between depression, alcohol intake and plain old sarcasm.
“You gotta do something. This isn’t healthy, Beth.” I close my eyes and inhale deeply.
“How do I begin to move on?”
“I don’t know. Maybe try dating? Even if you just get out there and give someone a chance.”
“But—?”
“No buts, B. I’ll be damned if I’m going to watch you throw your life away. You aren’t the first or last person to live through a break-up. Sometimes we don’t end up with our soul mate. Sometimes we meet our soul mate to learn lessons we need, and then we let go.”
“No.” I refuse to believe what she’s saying.
“B . . . You need to move on.”
“I’m fine,” I roll my eyes in the emptiness of my apartment.
“Do you know what fine means? Fucked up. Insecure. Neurotic. Emotional.” I hear her pause. Then she says, “So yeah, I guess you are fine.”
Here we go with the speech.
After more back and forth, I promise her I’ll be at work soon and will close up so she can leave early.
I get dressed, grab another cup of coffee and leave my apartment. I still feel dizzy from the alcohol, but I find my strength. I’m determined to handle this like a champ and be better than fine. No more breakdowns. As soon as I walk into Sweet Delights, I notice every pair of eyes on me. I’m sure people are whispering, but I don’t give a damn.
“Hey,” I say to Lacy when I approach the counter.
“Hi.” She gives me a sympathetic look, and I purse my lips. I must look worse than I thought.
“You can go home, Lace. Sorry.”
“I’ll stay a little while longer. Come on, let’s go to the kitchen.” I follow her out back while the rest of the employees take care of the customers.
“B, I think you should go out with Mike. He came by earlier and asked for you. The guy’s totally into you, and he’s a great catch. I know you’re in love with Jake, but maybe . . . ,” she drifts off.
“No.”
“You need to move on. One date, that’s all you need to do. Or I’ll call in the boss. She’ll set you straight.”
“Bitch.” I know Savannah will physically kick my ass. Jake is one of her best friends, but so am I, and she doesn’t want to see either of us miserable. She would probably agree with Lacy just to get me to get out there and not lock myself up away from the world.
“I’m just watching out for you. You’re my friend.”
“I know.” I appreciate Lacy’s friendship and her not giving up on me.
“Go on one date. You don’t need to marry the guy.”
“Fine,” I don’t know why I just said that. Maybe I’m desperate, or maybe this morning was a huge wake-up call.
Lacy laughs and says, “You can sound a little more excited.”
I shrug. Maybe it will help me move on. Not sure this is a solution, but I’m obviously willing to try anything at this point.
“I’m going to make some cookies, and then I’ll go out there.”
“Okay. I’ll leave once you’re done,” Lacy says before leaving me alone in the kitchen. Baking will help me focus and prepare to meet customers.
I n
od and gather the ingredients I need for the cookies.
Forty-five minutes later, I walk out of the kitchen with a plate of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies. I chuckle when one of our employees tries to steal one, and I swat her hand away. I’m determined to turn this day around and make the best out of it. I send Lacy home and work the register while Mary and Tiffany prepare orders. We’re busy throughout the day, and I’m grateful it gives me a chance to clear my mind and focus on something else besides my disastrous love life. I smile at the new faces that visit our bakery while they’re on vacation, and I’m even kind to the children, no longer resenting them for my problems. I’m proud of myself.
“Hey.” I look up to see who walked in.
“Oh, hi,” I say as Mike smiles at me. “Didn’t you come in already?”
He laughs. “Thanks for the welcome.” I give him an apologetic shrug, but I can tell he’s joking.
“I did come earlier. Lacy told me you’d be in this afternoon so I came by. I know you said you weren’t ready to date, but I thought I’d ask again if you’d like to go out this weekend. No pressure. It can just be two friends hanging out. We won’t even call it a date.” His smile is pretty.
I notice Tiffany and Mary smiling as they overhear our conversation. Clearly I have no privacy here. I’m sure they all know what’s been going on with me.
“Sure.” We make plans to meet on Saturday for dinner. This is step one to finding my happiness again.
After closing the bakery, I work on step two—getting back in touch with the people in my life. I call Savannah back. We talk for a bit and she tells me she spoke to Jake and knows what happened this morning. We chat for a while, and I feel better when I hang up with her. I don’t tell her about Mike yet. It feels weird to tell her I’m having dinner with a guy that isn’t Jake. Besides, I’m not going to look at this as a real date.
Next I call my mom. She’s been trying to get in touch with me for a few days, and I have been blowing her off. I never did get to tell her about Jake.
“Hey, mom,” I say when she answers.
Whiskey Nights Page 14
