“Beth,” my mom responds. I can hear the worry in her voice.
“Sorry I haven’t had a chance to call you back. It’s been a few rough weeks.”
“I figured. What’s going on?”
I give her a brief overview about Jake without too many details. She sympathizes with me. I appreciate her support, but I don’t want to get too into it.
“Brian is coming on Sunday to spend the week here. The kids will be happy to see their aunt.”
I love my niece and nephew, and I hope I have the strength to spend time with them without getting emotional.
“Sounds great mom, I can’t wait to see them. Let me know what you guys have planned, and I’ll make sure to come over and hang out with y’all for a while.”
“I’m happy to hear that, sweetheart.”
Spending time with family will be good for me. It’s difficult living away from my brother and his family, and I’m always grateful for the time we get to spend together.
As I get home, I take care of step three. Get rid of that bottle that betrayed me last night, or the bit that’s left of it. I’m not giving up my whiskey, but I’m taking control of how much I drink. Lately, whiskey has owned me, not the other way around.
Finally, I fill my bathtub with warm water and pour lavender soap into it. I watch the bubbles foam in the water, and I instantly begin to relax. Book in hand, I slip into the water and let it comfort me within its warm arms. When the water begins to cool, I turn on the warm water and let it heat up the cooling water. I relax again until my fingers are pruning and I finish the book I was reading. Happily ever afters in books are always so much more hopeful than real life.
I don’t know why my heart is racing. This isn’t a real date. Part of me wants to cancel on Mike and the other part just wants to get this over with. I just hope I will be able to go through with it. I keep my outfit casual with a pair of jeans and flowy tank top. I put on my bar necklace and gold studs before touching up my lip-gloss.
I’m nervous on the drive over to the sports bar in downtown where I’m meeting Mike. I keep my breathing calm so it will relax my heart rate. He offered to pick me up, but I felt more comfortable driving myself. I knew I would need a few moments to collect myself before seeing him. He smiles when he sees me approaching the entrance, and I’m grateful I won’t have to search for him in a crowd.
“Hey,” he says.
“Hi.”
“You look great. Thanks for coming tonight. I thought you’d cancel,” he laughs, running a hand through his hair.
“I wouldn’t.” I look into his hazel eyes but don’t feel a spark yet. Give it a chance, Beth.
“I’m sure you considered it,” he says jokingly.
“Maybe.” I give him a small smile.
“Let’s go inside.” He smiles and leads the way. We’re seated in a booth near the bar, and I observe the groups of people in here with us. Friends are watching baseball games, guys are cheering and couples are getting intimate. I smile when I notice one of the baseball games is the Braves’ game. I’m sure Savannah is in the stands cheering for Parker and his team.
Mike and I begin an easy conversation. We talk about different things related to work, hobbies and our likes and dislikes. He is a huge sports fan, so we talk about the teams he likes and his love of basketball. We enjoy our drinks and food throughout our conversation. He keeps his promise about this not being a full-on date and is respectful. I appreciate that. However, when “Whiskey Girl” by Toby Keith comes through the speakers, I lose it. All I can think about is Jake and how he used to say I was his whiskey girl. Mike keeps talking, but I’ve zoned him out, memories of Jake and me running through my mind. I’m not ready for this. I chug the remains of my Crown and coke hoping to slow down my racing heart.
“Beth?” Mike asks with a confused expression.
“Huh?”
“You zoned out.”
“Sorry, Mike. I did. This isn’t going to work for me. You’re a great guy, but I already found my perfect match.” I apologize again and leave him money for my half of the bill and leave. I feel like an ass. Mike’s stunned face makes me feel guilty, but I couldn’t stay there any longer. I felt myself losing it. My heart constricts as memories of Jake and I crash around me. I am losing my sanity, my patience, my hope. I sit in my car and let the world see me fall apart. When I’m ready, I drive home with the small amount of dignity left in me.
“Aunt Beth!” Nico calls out as he sees me getting out of my car.
“Hey, buddy!” I pick him up and give him a big hug. I love my nephew. “You’re getting too big for me to carry you like that.” I rub his head.
“I’m almost your height,” he says as he measures us. I laugh at him and wrap my arm around his shoulder.
“Come on, giant.” The kid is right. He’s only nine and he’s almost my height. Not that I’m very tall, but no nine year old should be close to 5’4.” I’d say he’s easily nearing five feet. A few more inches and he will be taller than me.
“Auntie!” My niece, Sienna, runs up to me.
“Hey, love!” I pick her up easier than Nico and swing her around. “How’s my girl?”
“I’m great! I graduated Kindergarten this year.” Her proud smile tugs at my heart.
“I know! You’re a big girl now.”
“Well, I don’t want to be a grown up yet.” I chuckle.
“You’ve still got a ways to go for that. Enjoy being a little girl. When you’re old like me, you’ll wish you were still six.” I kiss her cheek and put her back down.
I watch as Nico and Sienna run off through my parents’ house.
“Hey, sis,” I smile up at my brother.
“Hey, bro,” I say and give him a half hug.
“How’s it going?”
I shrug and he smiles. “So I heard. Follow me. I have a secret stash for us.” I love my brother. We head out to my parents’ yard and take a seat in the far end of their garden. When we were kids we used to sit out here and talk about what our lives would be like.
“I could ask you how work is, but I’m sure it’s great. Is Savannah doing well in Georgia?”
“Yeah, she is. She’s happy over there.”
“I’m glad things worked out for her. How about you?”
“I’ve been better,” I reply.
I watch as my brother pulls out a bottle of Crown and two cups with ice. He’s the best.
“Here.” He hands me my glass, and I take a sip of the soothing drink.
“Thanks, Brian.”
“You’re welcome. Now, let’s talk.”
I sigh and roll my eyes. “Is this an intervention?” I joke.
“No,” he laughs. “Mom told me you’re going through a break-up. Who’s the bastard?”
“No bastard. We just eventually will want different things in life, so I ended it. It’s been hard on both of us, but it’s better now than later, right?”
“I guess. What difference?”
“He doesn’t want kids,” I state plainly.
“Oh.” Brian raises his eyebrows and his eyes widen.
“Yep.” I take another drink.
“Do I know him?”
“Maybe. Jake? From Southern.”
“Oh, yeah. He’s a nice guy.”
“Thanks. He’s a great guy, but I know eventually I’ll want to start a family and I need someone who will want the same things as me.”
“Are you sure he doesn’t?”
“Yes. We’ve talked it through. It just sucks because everything else was great.”
Brian and I talk for a long time about life and relationships. He offers comforting words, and I’m glad he decided to come for a visit during his vacation. At some point, my mom comes looking for us. She smiles knowingly when she spots us with the bottle of Crown on our favorite bench.
“Hi, mom.”
“Hi, sweetie. I’m happy to see you two hanging out, but a hug hello would’ve been nice before you ran off.”
I
smile at her and stand to hug her. “We came before anyone could steal our whiskey.”
She laughs and grabs a cup herself. “Come say hi to your dad and Tess while I get ice for my drink.”
My brother and I stand up and follow her back to the deck. I say hi to my dad who is grilling and Tess, Brian’s wife. I sit next to her and catch up while the kids play in the yard. My family is my rock. As much as I complain about them pressuring me when it comes to settling down, I would be lost without them.
After talking to the adults for a while, I go play with my niece and nephew. Nico is trying to teach Sienna how to throw a ball and getting frustrated. It’s adorable. When he says girls can’t throw, I prove him wrong and give Sienna an encouraging smile. We spend the afternoon like this.
After the sun has set, I say bye to my family and go home. It’s a new week, and I need to be ready for work tomorrow. No more slacking off and blaming others for my lack of responsibility. I make plans to come by my parents’ house for dinner Tuesday evening. I’ll try to spend as much time with my family while they’re visiting as I can.
“Stay hopeful, Beth. Things weren’t always peachy for Tess and me. At one point in our relationship we also wanted different things, but look at us now. I wouldn’t trade my family for the world. Being a parent isn’t easy, but if you have the people you love by your side, you get by.” I hug my brother and thank him. I’m glad I was able to spend time with them today. I needed this. I’ll make sure to get in as much time as possible with them this week.
Dinner at my parents’ house was great. Nico and Sienna amaze me each day, and I wonder how someone could want to experience life without children. But, I know better than anyone, that there are people who don’t want that. The more time I spend with my niece and nephew this week, the more I realize that having children is not something I can give up on. Being a parent is something I have always wanted, in my own time. I was never someone who had her life planned out—marriage at twenty-two, children by twenty-five, big house by thirty—but I have always wanted some of those things in life, just when the time was right.
Tonight Nico was teaching me division. It was one of the last things he learned in school, and he’s been practicing all summer to impress his new teacher when he starts fourth grade in two weeks. He then went on and on about his flag football team and shared his excitement about the season starting soon. This kid will always be my first love.
Naturally, Sienna had to jump in and show me some of her skills. She is definitely a fast reader for her age and that makes me proud. Then, she showed me the ballet routine she performed at her last dance recital.
These two children can turn my mood around any time. Now that I’m home, I’m thinking about my own life and my future. If I don’t open myself to possibilities, I’ll never have my own family because I’ll be too closed off to anyone to even start dating again. Jake will always have my heart, but he cannot have my future.
I settle on the couch with a glass of wine and watch some cheesy Lifetime movie. It’s still early, and I know I won’t fall asleep yet if I lie down in bed. I’ve been sleeping fewer hours lately, but I’ve been more focused on my responsibilities. Just when I sleep, I dream, and when I dream I wake up emotional. Less sleep equals happier Beth.
I hear a knock at my door and I stand to answer it, confused about who would be coming over on a Sunday evening. Surprised at the person staring at me, I try to look away but his sad eyes keep me captive. “Hi,” he breathes.
My heart is racing, and I want to hit him and jump on him at the same time for coming over. I just saw him the other day when he witnessed my breakdown. It seems he’s the one that needs to be comforted tonight. “Hey.”
“My sister had her baby.” Is this a joke? Why would he come over to tell me that?
“Congrats. I’m happy for her and Keith, and I’m sure you’ll be a great uncle.” I can’t keep the sarcasm from my voice.
“Beth . . .” he reaches out for me, but I take a step back. I love him, but my feelings about my future haven’t changed.
“Can I come in?”
Unsure whether it’s a good idea or not, I say, “Sure,” and open the door wider.
Jake follows me into the living room, and I sit on the couch leaving a large space between us. Seeing him like this, half broken, makes me want to comfort him and yet I hate him because this is his doing. Okay, I take that back. I shouldn’t blame him. We want different things, but it’s still difficult and I’m emotional.
He runs his hands through his messy hair, and his tired eyes meet mine. “I’m sorry. I’m an ass. Maybe you were right to ignore my messages, but this asshole loves you completely. I haven’t stopped despite being apart. I’m miserable.”
“I’m miserable too, but I don’t know what to tell you. We want different things, Jake. We already discussed this, twice. My heart can’t handle it a third time.”
“You were right. You’re always right,” he laughs grimly. “When I saw my sister today with Keith and their baby it triggered something. I’m still fucking confused how it happened. I suddenly wanted that to be us. I wanted to share something like that with you. God, how amazing to come together and create a little person you love unconditionally because the two of you are so in love that you want to bring a person into the world. It no longer felt like a baby would get in the way of my dreams, or stop me from living my life. That baby would bring another purpose into it and create new dreams. I would live those dreams out with you by my side.”
I stare at him, speechless.
“Did you hear me?” he asks, waiting for a response.
I nod. “Jake . . .” I stare into his eyes. “You’re probably just excited about being an uncle.”
“No. For a moment I got lost in my own mind, and the roles were switched. It was no longer my sister on the bed, it was you and I. We were holding our own child. I don’t know how to explain it.” He runs his hands through his hair. “Beth, it was surreal. I’m still trying to process it. It was like I was living the future, and I finally understood what people talk about when they explain the love they feel for their children. It was so weird. It freaked me out, but then I felt it and I wanted that more than anything in the world.”
“But . . .” I’m unsure of what to say to him. Is this just because his sister just had a baby and it’s the only way we will be together?
“Jake, I’m not sure you really mean that. What if you decide it was just a moment of madness. How do you really know this is what you want all of a sudden?”
“Baby, I swear. I don’t know how to explain it. You’re just going to have to trust me. I ran over here as soon as I realized what I was feeling. I swear it felt like an out of body experience or something. Shit, I’m crazy. All I wanted was to share that moment with you, have our own child to hold and love.” I see tears in his eyes, and I move closer to him.
“We would have a little girl and name her Annabelle,” he continues. “Well, if you like that name. If not, we can talk about other options. She’s going to be beautiful just like you, but she’ll have my eyes. Most importantly, she’s going to be so loved. I’ve never wanted anything so much in my life.” I wipe the tears rolling down my cheeks. I would want nothing more than that.
“I like Annabelle,” is all I manage to say.
“We’ll take our time getting there. I want to enjoy just being together for a while, but I won’t object to practicing. Practice makes perfect.” He winks and I smile. Is he really serious?
“Jake, how do I know you won’t regret this?” Doubts enter my mind about his sudden epiphany. Is it induced by excitement or truth?
“Trust me. You gotta trust me, because I don’t know how to describe this feeling. I want a little girl, and I want to have her with you.” He wipes the tears from my face and cups my jaw. “I love you.” He leans in and kisses me softly. I relax immediately as the tension leaves my body.
All I can do is trust that he really feels this way. Annabelle. I
like that name. I smile against his lips and he pulls back.
“What’s so funny?”
“You. You’re insane, but I’m totally sweet on you. You even have a name picked out.” I laugh as everything sinks in. I’m losing my mind.
He kisses me with more passion, and I slide my tongue into his mouth. “I missed you so much,” he says as he breaks away. “It broke me to see you the other day as you fell apart. I never want to be the reason you feel that way again. It’s you and me, babe, forever.”
I smile and nod. Forever, I like the sound of that. I cuddle into his side as we comfort each other. We’ll get through this. We have to. I hope I’m making the right choice. From all the choices I’ve made in the last two months, this is the one that feels right.
I wake up much more rested than I have the last few weeks, and I smile when I see Jake is by my side. I brush away the hair from his face and enjoy the view. I really hope he feels the same this morning. I don’t think my heart can take him changing his mind. My heart stops when I see his gorgeous smile. He opens one eye and looks at me.
“Are you staring at me?”
“Yes.”
“Good.” He sits up on the bed and pulls me to him. “This is perfection.” He kisses my forehead. “I can’t wait until we start practicing making babies.”
I laugh and kiss his cheek. “Are you sure you meant everything you said last night?”
“I’m positive. If I weren’t sure, I wouldn’t have come over.”
“Thank you.” I’m happy he’s not toying with my emotions.
“She’s so small and beautiful. They named her Hayley. I want you to come meet her today.” His eyes shine with adoration for his new niece.
“That would be great. Is she still in the hospital?”
“Yes. She goes home tomorrow. We can go this evening.” His smile melts my heart.
“Okay.”
I get out of bed and walk into the bathroom. I really need to get ready for work. Although a lingering part of me still thinks Jake might be confused about what he really wants, my heart understands what he means. I understand that sudden realization that sometimes happens in life, like an epiphany. I really hope so because I would love nothing more than to one day have a little Annabelle with him.
Whiskey Nights Page 15
