There You Stand

by Christina Lee

  “Fuck. You can’t pretend not to feel, Jude,” I said, my fist pounding my chest as he inched toward the door. “Because longing for somebody is that much worse.”

  He stopped abruptly and turned to gape at me. There was so much anguish and hunger and defeat in his eyes. It sliced at my gut but I held my composure until he walked out of the room.

  Chapter Fifteen

  I met Emmy at the animal shelter and after feeding and grooming some of the dogs, we grabbed the leashes to take them for a walk. We planned on trying out the brand-new dog park that Emmy worked tirelessly to help open. It was essentially a fenced-in grassy field in a section of Washington Park, but the dogs were allowed off leash there. The idea was that they could roam free along with other dogs.

  “Patch will find another family,” I said as we hit the pavement heading east.

  “Whatever,” she said, more grumbly than usual.

  “Maybe if you change his name, he’ll get more interest,” I said in my usual teasing tone.

  “Shut it,” she said, bumping my hip playfully and adjusting her hold on the three leashes.

  Apparently the family who’d visited Patch a couple of times and thought that they might adopt him had changed their mind. It happened sometimes after a potential owner realized just how much work it entailed to care for a pet. Which was why the shelter had a strict policy of pre-visits that a family needed to fulfill before they could officially take a dog home.

  But I think Emmy was secretly relieved that the family didn’t take Patch, even though I knew she’d feel guilty about that. She still held out hope that she’d own him one day.

  “You sure you didn’t want to ask Tristan to walk with you?”

  A pink hue travelled across Emmy’s cheeks as she shook her head.

  “You should just invite him somewhere,” I said. “Maybe up to the bar on Thursdays.”

  “He’s my boss,” she said as if the idea was positively scandalous.

  “Honey, you’re a volunteer at an animal shelter. It’s not like he’s signing your paycheck,” I said, adjusting my grip on the leads. “Besides, you’re an adult. A gorgeous woman. And a woman he definitely notices.”

  “How do you know that?” she said as we hit the pavement.

  “I might be a gay guy, but I’m still a guy,” I said, walking behind her so that the dogs could spread across the sidewalk. “And I know when a man is sniffing around a woman.”

  Emmy dipped her head and hid her smile.

  We walked toward my house so I could pick up Chopper for his second walk, which is what I sometimes did on shelter days. He had so much energy that I was glad to do it. And with Jude’s advice the other day, I was testing out my leader-of-the-pack mentality. And deteriorating at every attempt.

  “What have you got to lose?”

  “You’re right,” she said. “I just wish he would make the first move.”

  After we got Chopper situated, we made it to the edge of the soccer field at the park, but I refused to look toward the bowl. The dogs lay down on the cool grass for a quick rest, their tongues wagging.

  “I decided you’re right,” Emmy said. “I’m going to say something to Tristan at the end of my shift about meeting me at Zach’s. If he shows then maybe I’ll get to know him outside of the shelter.”

  I wrapped my arm around Emmy’s neck and pulled her into a one-armed hug. She laid her head on my shoulder. “You deserve some happiness, sweetie.”

  “Thanks, buddy.”

  I kissed the top of her head and she sighed.

  “And some good sex.”

  She giggled and then popped me in the arm. It was so easy to make her squirm. We laughed and my head lifted when I felt a tug on one of the leads.

  Emmy bent over, untangling a couple of leashes, and my eyes darted to the bowl. Jude was standing on the far side of the cement wall, his gaze directed at us. My heart gave a start because I expected him to be skating, not watching me.

  His eyebrows were drawn together, his eyes narrowed in that same pissed expression he’d given me when I saw him with his probation officer or whoever the hell that dude was the other day. But as his gaze bored into mine I realized he wasn’t ticked off, he was jealous. Maybe suspicious of what my relationship was with Emmy. What the hell?

  I took a step back and shook my head. The tightness in my chest constricted even further. He couldn’t get involved with me, yet he couldn’t handle seeing me hug a friend? Fuck that. So messed up.

  “Let’s take the dogs to the fenced-in park.” Emmy straightened and withdrew a ball from her pocket. “I thought we could play some fetch.”

  “Let’s go,” I said, ready to be finished with Jude’s equally frustrating as confusing scrutiny. As we neared the newly constructed area, I said, “So cool how they’re allowed off leash.”

  “It was needed in this town,” she said. “I think this will be good for Chopper, too.”

  After we closed the gate behind us, we took off the leashes and the dogs began roaming free, tails flapping.

  We played fetch and I pretended that the back of the property line did not give the skateboard pen a clear view. I kept my eyes forward though I could still sense Jude’s gaze on me.

  Chopper generally did well with the other dogs, though he was grabby with the ball and could be an intimidating presence around them. I made sure to keep my eyes peeled on him.

  It was after Emmy threw the ball again that I heard a yelp. At the end of the fence there was a cluster of dogs and Chopper was yapping and nudging at Patch, who now had possession of the toy in his mouth.

  “Chopper,” I yelled in warning and began heading over there.

  “Better grab him before he’s kicked out,” Emmy said, following behind.

  And then the worst happened. Patch attempted to head in the opposite direction with the ball still perfectly balanced in his jaw. Chopper went after him, pinning the smaller dog beneath his haunches in the grass, and nipping at his neck.

  All at once, Jude was scaling the fence and releasing that low whistle from his throat. The other dogs fell back nearly in unison, which left Chopper and Patch fighting one another.

  Before I could say or do anything, Jude grabbed Chopper by the scruff, forcing him to release Patch while simultaneously making a different noise.

  Jude gently but firmly forced Chopper down on his side as he loomed over his snout. Chopper’s limbs fell limp as he assumed a submissive position.

  I halted my stride and watched this interaction in complete awe.

  Emmy grabbed Patch and began rubbing behind his ears to soothe him.

  She looked between Jude and me as we stared each other down.

  My neck felt clammy and hot, self-conscious that I couldn’t control my own fucking animal.

  “You know your dogs,” Emmy suddenly said to Jude, maybe to break the tension between us. She knew him from the shop but I was going to guess she’d never spoken directly to him. Few had in this town. He looked up at her and opened his mouth but nothing came out.

  I implored him to say something. He seemed hesitant but it wasn’t like he wasn’t familiar with Emmy. Besides, I could vouch for her—no danger would come his way if he interacted with her.

  But he seemed to figure that out on his own. “We had a few dogs on the small farm where I grew up.”

  “It shows,” Emmy said. “If I might make a suggestion, I think you should trade places with Cory. Let him deal with his own dog.”

  “No, it’s cool, I . . .” I was actually nervous that Chopper would only ignore me.

  Jude nodded and sat up on his knees. “Come around this side.”

  I walked to where he was holding my dog and knelt down next to him.

  “Take my place.”

  I scooted over and when my hands landed on my dog’s back near Jude’s, he loosened his grip and slid sideways. As soon as I was the one in control, Chopper gave me a pitiful look and attempted to get up.

  “Don’t let him,” Jude s
aid low to my ear. “Come up with some kind of assertive noise and then show him who’s boss.”

  When Chopper didn’t seem to comply, I made a grunting noise that was grown out of frustration, and then laid him back down on his side.

  “That’s it,” Emmy said.

  Eventually Chopper looked away from me, which, according to what I saw him do with Jude, was a sign of submission.

  “You’ll have to practice that a couple more times, but you get the idea,” Jude said, standing up.

  “You’ll get the hang of it, Cory,” Emmy said and I nodded. “Don’t want Chopper kicked out of here or anywhere else.”

  When I looked up Jude was stroking Patch’s ears and the dog was leaning into his legs. He was like the damn pied piper of dogs.

  I let Chopper up and as if no showdown ever occurred between us, he scuttled away to sniff along the fence.

  “You’re good with dogs,” Emmy said, smiling at Jude. “Need a new pet? Patch is up for adoption.”

  “Patch is Emmy’s favorite dog and she’s hoping to find him a good home,” I said. Something came alive in Jude’s eyes, as if he’d remembered my earlier story about taking a dog from the shelter before Chopper came along.

  Emmy patted Patch’s head. “He really likes you.”

  Suddenly Jude’s eyes grew dim and he withdrew his hand from the dog. “Sorry. Wish I could.”

  He tipped his chin as a good-bye and as he headed for the back of the property, I knew I had lost him yet again to whatever darkness was inside him.

  “Thanks for your help,” I said, lifting my hand in a wave.

  As he scaled the fence and wheeled off, we gathered up the dogs.

  “He likes you,” Emmy said, looking over my shoulder to the skate park.

  “You sure about that?” I almost grumbled, because Jude had completely rattled me again.

  “I may be a girl, but I know when a guy is not interested in my team,” she said, throwing my earlier words back at me. “He’s interested in you.”

  “Nice to hear,” I said, almost grim. “But not sure that’s ever going to happen. It’s hard enough just getting any words out of him.”

  “I don’t think he would’ve scaled that fence had you not been on the other side,” Emmy said, picking up her stride and walking ahead of me. “Just sayin’ . . .”

  Chapter Sixteen

  The following night I rode to the Hog’s Den and sat at the bar to listen to the pub chatter and take note of any backroom meetings, without appearing too obvious. I felt driven to try to understand the kind of danger Jude might be in. And call me stupid—protect him if I could.

  The place was quiet tonight, save for some regulars I had gotten used to seeing over the past few months. When it was slow like this, Vaughn had more time to talk at the bar and he liked to tell stories about his crazy childhood and his adventures on some old dirt bike on the back roads in his rural town. He was animated and held a captive audience and I realized how much I’d grown to like him.

  Outside of his tough look, shaggy hair, and leather vest, you’d never know that he was hard-core involved in shit with the Disciples of the Road. He could’ve been any bartender at any establishment in the Midwest.

  But after a while my nerves got the best of me, so instead of calling attention to how badly I’d shredded the napkin in front of me, I stood up to find something else to do with my hands. I was about to rack up my balls to play a solo game of pool, when I realized I had left my bottle of half-finished beer over by Vaughn.

  My fingers closed around the bottle just as Jude opened the front door and strode to the bar. He took my breath away in his tight T-shirt and dark wash jeans. He normally wore long skater shorts to the knees but tonight he looked like my typical type, a guy I might consider taking home, with his hair pulled away from high cheekbones and his black Converse sneakers. He was like a wet dream and I could actually hear my breath stutter in my lungs. Fuck, I needed to pull myself together.

  “Order will be up soon,” Vaughn said to Jude and then he gave me a once-over before turning to dry off some damp bar glasses.

  Jude nodded and then leaned back on the bar, slowly turning his gaze on me, as if he was unsure whether or not he should even be talking to me in this place. But the Disciples knew he was my client and we’d had enough appointments by now to get to know each other in the casual sense.

  “Uh . . . how’s your ink healing?” I said just to make conversation and also to make it seem like that was the only reason I’d be talking to Jude York at the MC bar.

  He nodded and I realized there was no way in hell he was going to chat me up in public and certainly not on this turf. Besides, hadn’t they seen him take off on the back of my hog the other night? Who was I kidding?

  Still, I felt frustrated that we couldn’t be friendlier with each other. What the fuck did it matter? I wasn’t going to jump him on his barstool and shove my tongue down his throat. In fact, I was pretty sure I’d never get to experience that tongue, so what the hell did I have to lose?

  “Want to play a quick game of pool while you wait?”

  He looked unsure of himself and momentarily rattled. His gaze darted toward the back door, where the others members of the MC usually met, and then his eyes swung to Vaughn.

  “Go on,” Vaughn said. “I’ll call you when your food’s up.”

  Jude nodded, seemed to pull himself together, and then followed me to the pool table on the other side of the room.

  Not wanting it to appear like anything other than a friendly and random game of pool, I made the first shot and watched as a couple of solids and stripes sank in the side and far pockets.

  “I call stripes,” I said as he reached for a cue stick hanging on the wall.

  “Thanks again for yesterday,” I said in a low voice so only he’d hear. “I think Chopper seems different.”

  “No problem,” he said while he chalked up his pool stick.

  I cracked a smile. “Emmy was hoping you’d say yes about taking her favorite dog.”

  He stared at me and nodded slowly.

  He moved around me to get to the other end of the table and when our hips brushed, I schooled my reaction, never once glancing in his direction.

  When he leaned over to take his shot, I stared at the wall and mumbled, “You were jealous seeing me with her at the park, true or false?”

  His hands faltered and he almost blew his round, but I strode away to take a sip of my beer as if nothing had even been said. He shot two solids in the side pocket along with the cue ball. “Scratch.”

  I aligned the cue ball on the red felt. As I leaned over to line up my stick, it stretched my back muscles and I winced. Jude watched me closely but I pretended that he hadn’t seen my face contort in any pain.

  As he crossed to the other side of the table, he said so low, I wasn’t sure I heard him right. “True.”

  One simple word, but it still throttled me. He’d been jealous.

  We played a couple of minutes more in silence but on another pass behind me, he said, “Your back is killing you, true or false?”

  I stared at him and then finally said, “True. I saw the doc but he only gave me a prescription for painkillers. I have an appointment for an MRI next.”

  “Lower back?” he asked after taking an impressive shot.

  “Yeah,” I said, trying to figure out where to land the eight ball for the win.

  “Is it your sciatic nerve?” he asked, as if he were some expert on back conditions. But given his sport, maybe he was. He’d probably heard a lot of medical jargon working at that shop, especially since he was in charge of repairs. Bet those boards came in all mangled, each one with a doozy of a story behind them.

  “Something like that,” I said. “It would spasm all the time after the accident. But hasn’t done it in years.”

  “Did that fall in the water irritate it?”

  “Probably,” I said, unsuccessfully attempting to land the eight ball in a side pocket.


  “Jude,” Vaughn called across the bar, and I straightened as if I’d been caught doing something other than having an innocent conversation about my injury. “Food’s up.”

  He looked at the bartender, who had placed his brown bag on the bar top and nodded.

  “He’s got one last shot,” I said and Vaughn turned away.

  As Jude’s hip rubbed by mine a final time, he said in a rush, “Wait ten minutes before you leave. Come next door to the skate shop, back entrance. I have an idea.”

  My head spun around. He was asking me to come see him? My chest tightened and I looked around the bar as if our conversation had been overheard.

  “Make it fifteen,” I said so as to not look too eager to Jude or to Vaughn.

  He returned his pool stick to the rack and turned to the bar without once glancing backward. I continued the game by myself, pretending not to be aware of when he left or how many steps it took him to reach the exit.

  After the game was over, I replaced all the equipment and walked to the bar to discard my empty beer bottle. I felt Vaughn’s eyes on me, so I looked up.

  He scanned the area over his shoulder as if to be sure no one was listening. “You taking off?”

  “Yeah,” I said, my stomach bunching into a hard ball.

  “Your bike out back?”

  Odd question but I got what he was doing—it was a warning of sorts.

  “Yep.”

  “Might be safer on the side street.”

  My eyes widened and he angled his head.

  “Don’t think he’s been with anybody in a long time,” he said real low as he replaced a bottle of vodka beneath the bar. “Could use the company.”

  I nodded, trying to process what he was telling me.

  “He’s hard to figure out,” I said reaching for a napkin to give my hands something to do. “But I . . . can’t seem to . . .”

  I needed to shut the hell up, whether Vaughn and I had an understanding or not.

  “He’s got eyes on him, and doesn’t want to screw anything up. Guy barely talks so that nobody recognizes his accent,” he said. “Been on the run awhile now. First safe place he’s landed.”