Don't Let Me Go

by Glenna Maynard

  I lean in close to Cutter and wrap my arms tight around his waist. He kisses my forehead and tells me he wants to stop by a friend’s house.

  We ride in silence for a few miles when he suddenly turns drown a driveway that I know all too well. “What are we doing here?” My stomach tenses, I think I am going to be sick. We are on the River family’s rental property. Nolan lived in this house. He moved out after Harlan died and moved to central Kentucky or, so my Gram heard from one of her old biddies. I used to come here a lot with Harlan.

  “A friend of mine lives here, he is having a small get together. A kickstart to the semester.”

  “Who’s your friend?” I weakly ask as we come to a stop in the driveway behind a black blazer. Please don’t say Nolan.

  “Oh, his name’s Hurley. I think you two have met already, you made quite an impression on him yesterday.” Great, I think to myself, the cocky asshole from the diner, but at least he didn’t say Nolan. It is still early and there is already music blaring from the house. I swear this house was built to be a party house.

  “I don’t think I can go in there,” I admit as he slings his leg over the bike getting off it. I feel tense and weak.

  “Come on, you’ll be fine,” he pushes.

  I know he doesn’t know what memories this house holds for me—both good and bad, but mostly bad. Nolan always found a way to shit on Harlan’s good times and mine.

  One of the last times I was here, Nolan was throwing a party, well he was always having a party of some kind. I will never forget it. Harlan had been drinking a lot and there were lots of party favors being handed out. I never took drugs, and Harlan never would let me, not that I ever really wanted to. But he wouldn’t even let me try pot, and everyone and their brother has tried it. He would make me go out of the room if anyone was smoking it.

  He would say to me, “Bella, you are better than all of this, and I won’t let you be ruined by this life.” But this time, Harlan had taken a pill he hadn’t done before. There was some kind of reaction with the alcohol and it made him go off the walls jealous. He was being very aggressive with me particularly.

  One of his friends was talking to me about a new movie that was coming out, and suggested we go see it, and by we, he didn’t mean the two of us. He meant a group of us together. But Harlan mistook the suggestion. He came charging across the room at me. He knocked me flat on my ass with his fist. When I tried to get onto my knees to get off the floor, he placed himself over my shoulders, and began squeezing my temples with his knees as hard as he could, to the point I almost passed out.

  It took three guys to pull him off me, including Nolan. My head hurts just thinking of it. I rub my jaw from the memory. It’s as if I can still feel the bruise. I had to put a bag of frozen peas on it to keep the swelling down. I became really good at covering bruises. So much so, that a professional makeup artist would be jealous of how good I can blend concealer and foundation.

  Things weren’t always like that with Harlan and me. When it was just the two of us, nothing bad ever touched us—until the day he died. I am pulled from my memories by the shrieking of Brianna.

  “Bella, oh my goodness.” she flips her long blonde locks behind her shoulder as she steps off the porch, and makes her way to where we are standing, in the driveway. “How are you? I have been meaning to come see you, but I have just been so busy with school coming up and all.” She smiles her fake bitch smile.

  “Sure wouldn’t want you to trouble yourself with crazy ol’ me.” I roll my eyes at her and don’t attempt to hide my dislike for her.

  She grits her teeth and saunters over to Cutter. “I didn’t know you knew Bella, with her not being well.” She gives me a wink and runs her fingers up his arm.

  He flinches under her touch, steps away from her, and takes my hand. “If you’ll excuse us, I need to talk to Hurley.”

  Clearly wounded her pitiful attempts at flirting have no effect on Cutter, she calls out after us. “Be careful with that one, her last relationship didn’t end too well.”

  I don’t know what comes over me but the rubber band holding me sane snaps. I have been taking her shit all my life. I will not let her walk all over me and make me look weak. Harlan and Nolan aren’t here to protect her this time. I let go of Cutter’s hand and charge at her full steam.

  Look out bitch here comes the crazy train. I smirk to myself.

  Catching her and everyone by surprise, we tumble onto the gravel. And I let her have it. I let the back of my hand go and it connects with her jaw. The look on her face is priceless. She didn’t think I had it in me. She must not realize how undone I truly am. I don’t have it in me to care. Or it might just be medication hasn’t taken effect, either way, Brianna has had it coming from me, for years.

  “You do not get to talk about him. You were nothing. You are inconsequential when it comes to Harlan!” I scream in her face. While I am ahead, I do one of the most disrespectful things a girl in the south can do. I spit in her face. I want her to know how unworthy she really has become.

  “Shew wee, I knew you were a spitfire, when I first saw you. It’s in your eyes.” Hurley whoops with a laugh, as Cutter pulls me off Brianna. “Better watch out for this one, Cutter, she acts like a real firecracker.”

  “Yeah, man, I’ll do that. I think it is best we go, just give me a call when you know more about that job we talked about.”

  We get back to town and Cutter pulls in at the gas station. “I need to fill up, you need anything?”

  “I’m alright.”

  “You ready to tell me what that was all about?” He takes the nozzle from the pump and unscrews his gas cap.

  “Nope, let’s just say something I have wanted to do for years.”

  “Something to mark off the list then?” He grins.

  “Yeah, definitely.” I hate that fucking cunt truffle.

  I go in to pay for the gas. My cell phone begins to vibrate in my back pocket. It’s my Gram, I am sure someone has told her I am running around all over town with a hoodlum or something. It doesn’t take long for word to travel around this place.

  “Hi, Gram —”

  She cuts me off before I can speak any further. “Bella Rose, what’s this I hear about you gallivanting through town on the back of a motorcycle?”

  “I am out with a friend, ya know socialization. I thought you’d be happy to see me being active and actually having human contact with someone other than Dr. Peters.”

  “I am dear, I just worry, now you and your friend come on over for supper.”

  “Gram, we already ate.”

  “Don’t you sass me, Bella! Besides, I cooked your favorite.” She knows I can’t turn down her chicken and dumplings, mashed potatoes, sugar snap peas, and cornbread. I finish paying for the gas and direct Cutter on how to get to my Gram’s house.

  “Already introducing me to the family, so serious so soon,” he flirts with me.

  “Shut up and drive.”

  He kicks the starter, and the engine purrs. What is about a man on a motorcycle that seems to drive women wild? I hug my arms around him tight and breathe him in. He smells good, manly is the only description that fits.

  As we are pulling out of the parking lot Brianna pulls in driving her yellow Mustang, I flip her bird and holler, “Fuck you, Tweety Bird.”

  Cutter laughs. “Did you just call her Tweety Bird?” I don’t answer, and he shakes his head and laughs harder. “What did Tweety Bird ever do to you?”

  “If I told you, I’d have to kill you,” I sass.

  He pulls up to my Gram’s grand house on Meadow Lane. “Wow, your Gram really has a beautiful home.”

  “Yeah, I can’t wait to show you her flower garden.” I grab his hand and pull him through the front door.

  My Gram’s house looks like something out of a historical romance novel. It has beautiful crown molding that runs along the high ceilings and hardwood floors. Her house was built before the civil war. It is listed as a historical propert
y. She has gorgeous tapestries and rugs in every room. Her and my grandfather did a complete restoration when they first moved in. Her furniture is all grand with claw feet. My grandpa spared no expense on making the home feel authentic.

  When I was little I would dress up in my princess gowns and pretend I was Scarlett O'Hara in Gone with The Wind. My Gram and I have watched the movie so many times. It is one of her all time favorites. I would make a grand entrance as I came down the stairs to go into the dining room for dinner; I was always a bit dramatic as a child. Gram always found my antics entertaining though.

  Gram is waiting in the dining room for us. “Ma’am it is a pleasure to meet the lady who raised this feisty gal. Name’s Cutter.” he extends his hand out and Gram pulls him into a hug.

  “You can call me Gram or Clara, everyone else does. What have you been doing, Bella? I hope you haven’t raised too much hell, already today?”

  “No more than usual.” I wink at Cutter and notice he is baffled by my loose banter with my Gram. I hope he doesn’t spill the beans about my scuffle with Brianna a bit ago.

  We all sit down and before anyone can even take a bite, Gram is badgering Cutter about his entire life history. I think she would ask him for his social security card and driver's license to do a background check on him, if I wouldn’t die from embarrassment. She thinks just because she is older than dirt and lived here all her life that she ought to know everyone she comes across. I put my foot down when she starts asking him about the maiden names of his grandparents.

  His answers are vague but enough to satisfy Gram. He transferred here from Center College to the university. He is twenty-one years of age. He had a normal upbringing and he is looking for part time work to help pay his way. I think she as just as taken by him as I him. I guess charm sees no age. I get tickled how her cheeks blush when Cutter compliments her cooking and her home. I think the old bird is smitten—taken by him, just as I am.

  He is laying it on thick, he even helps me clear the table and do the dishes. Harlan would have never offered to something so thoughtful, let alone sit down to eat dinner with my Gram. But then again, she never would let me ask Harlan over often.

  Gram always had it out for Harlan. If she thought he was going to be at a party I wanted to go to, she’d try to ground me to keep me from going. I’d just sneak out and go anyways so her efforts were pointless. The way she is fawning over Cutter, I have never seen her like this. I may need to watch it.

  My Gram might be a cougar.

  Chapter 7

  Gram took to Cutter better than I thought. I figured that as soon as she saw the motorcycle she would disapprove. She must be in awe of his good looks too. I bet he casts a spell on every woman he meets. Before we leave, I take him to the backyard and show him the flower garden. He joins me on the bench, and just when I think he might kiss me Gram interrupts us.

  Great way to be a cock block, Gram.

  I sigh scooting over to allow room for her to sit with us.

  “You two aren’t leaving without a bite of my apple pie. I even put a scoop of vanilla ice cream on top.” She hands us both a desert dish, and forks.

  Before we leave, Gram pulls me to the side and tells me to bring him back sometime. Yeah, she is under the influence of his pheromones too. There is no other explanation for it. My Gram never likes any guys I bring around. Okay, I take that back. I only ever dated Harlan and she already had a bad taste in her mouth, because of his last name.

  I have Cutter drop me off at my apartment; he is going to meet up with Hurley. After the impression I made on Cutter’s friends today I figure it is best I sit this get together out.

  I kick my shoes off and flop onto the sofa. It is amazing the difference a few days can make. Your life can change in a moment’s notice. Do I miss Harlan? Absolutely, I still miss him. Will I join him in the water? Only time can tell. Cutter has made me take a step back and reevaluate my choices. There is still so much that I haven’t experienced in this life, yet.

  Surely, Harlan won’t begrudge me a little fun. I turn on my laptop and light up a cigarette. My screen saver is one of my favorite pictures of Harlan and me. He showed up on my birthday after he had refused to attend. We spent the night kissing in the garden. It was one of those rare moments, when nothing else mattered. I snapped a photo of him kissing my cheek on the stone bench in the garden. We had such a good time that night.

  I open up my documents and begin writing my list.

  My bucket list by Bella Rose

  ~Sky dive

  ~Drive Cutter’s motorcycle

  ~Hot air balloon ride

  ~Visit time Square

  ~Get a tattoo

  ~Get a piercing

  ~Be truly free from my pain

  ~Forgive myself

  ~Backpack across Europe

  ~Get Married

  These sound like fun things for an eighteen year old to do. I don’t know what compelled me to add marriage to my list, but there the words are staring back at me. I can’t bring myself to delete them. All little girls have fantasized about being rescued and marrying their white knight, why should I be any different—except, my white knight is dead.

  I run my bathwater and add some lavender oil to help me sleep. The scent is already relaxing me. I undress and slip into the warm water. Laying my head back on my tub pillow, I close my eyes and let my thoughts drift to all the things on my list.

  One minute I am thinking about what kind of tattoo I want to get and in the next I am back at the falls with Harlan…

  His laughter echoes through the surrounding mountains. He flips his chestnut hair from his eyes. Picking me up with ease, he throws me in the cool lake water. I pretend to be pissed, but really, I’m not mad in the slightest. I just want him to feel bad and try to make me stop pouting.

  He joins me in the water and kisses the edge of my mouth. I turn my face away from him, still pretending to pout. “What can I do to get that scowl from your face?” He flashes his handsome smile at me.

  “There.” I point to the highest rock at the falls. “I want to get a picture of you jumping off Dead Man’s Rock.”

  I dry off with my pink towel and take my camera from my bag. I snap some pictures as he emerges from the water and joins me in the shade of the pines.

  “Give me a kiss for good luck.” He presses his lips to mine, but I don’t return his kiss.

  “No, you will get your reward after you complete the jump.” I shove his lips from mine with my hand, like kissing him is the last thing I want to do. I knew he would be fine. He had jumped from that rock many times before. It was like a rite of passage for the boys who live in this town. It makes them a man to make the jump. He brushes the rejection off and laughs as he begins the hike up to the cliff.

  If I had known it was our last moment together, I would have given him that kiss.

  I ready my camera. A few minutes later, he emerges up top. “Any last words for me,” he calls down to me.

  “Good luck.” I blow him a kiss.

  He reaches out to catch my kiss.

  Suddenly I am slipping under the water. It’s invading my nose and mouth, “Not yet,” I cry out silently in my head. But the force of the water is too strong.

  All I can see is Harlan smiling at me before I fade to black.

  *—*

  The next thing I know, I am being pulled from the water. Harlan, I smile to myself, but only when I come to it isn’t Harlan watching over me, it’s Cutter.

  “Hey, are you with me?” he asks as he lays me on my bed. “Fuck, you are freezing.” He wraps my blanket around me. “Your lips are purple. I can’t leave you alone for a few hours. We made a deal. You can’t back out on a deal, Bella.” He’s angry with me, Cutter gently lifts my naked body and pulls me into a tight embrace.

  A small amount of water trickles from the corners of my mouth. “Fell asleep,” the words barely escape my chattering teeth. My throat is burning and tight.

  “You have to stop scaring the shi
t out of me. Don’t ever do that again, Bella. I came by to see if you wanted to watch a movie with me. I knocked a few times and when you didn’t answer, I panicked. I twisted your knob and your door was unlocked. I found you in the tub. I thought you were dead.” He holds me tighter as the color returns to my lips and my body temperature rises. “Am I going to have to handcuff us together in order for me to keep you alive?”

  “I do like the sound of cuffs, kinky.” I try to laugh but my throat is still sore.

  “Don’t tempt me, I will buy a pair.”

  We stay entwined together on my bed in silence for what seems like hours doing nothing at all. Cutter just simply holds me.

  “You need to put some clothes on. If you get sick, your Gram will blame it on my motorcycle. Then I won’t be able to let you convince me to let you drive it.” He reaches me a flannel from my closet and gives me few minutes to get dressed. I don’t feel like getting fully dressed so I put on a bra, the flannel and a pair of boy briefs.

  Cutter returns minutes later and rejoins me on my bed. He strokes my hair trying to soothe me, but I can’t feel his touch.

  I can’t feel anything but the poison.

  I have no emotions.

  I am completely numb.

  I need to feel the razor’s edge.

  I notice him staring at the wounds on my thigh. He runs his fingers over them gently. “You are too beautiful to be doing this to yourself. I understand the why, I just wish you wouldn’t.” He trails his fingers back up my sides almost brushing one of his hands over my breasts.

  “Please, Cutter, I don’t want to feel the pain of my nightmares again, make this real. I need us to be real.” I roll over onto my side and I hand him a razor blade from my nightstand. He doesn’t seem turned off by what I have asked of him. He looks more intrigued than anything else. I figure it will freak him out and he will leave.