Journey's End

by LJ Maas

  “Please, forgive me, My Lord.” Gabrielle pleaded.

  I hadn’t the heart to be angry with the girl. She only did what she knew best, to intuitively serve her master. It wasn’t her fault if her master happened to be a lovesick old fool.

  “It’s all right, Gabrielle.” I answered, gently pulling her hand from my arm. “You’ve done nothing wrong.”

  I rose and pulled on my robe, crossing the room and stepping into the outer room. I walked to the window and pulled back the tapestry, tying it in place. I turned and eased my frame into the chair that always faced the window. I watched the stars shimmer in the blackness, even now wishing I could cry. I had to smile at that. I spent my whole life learning how to ignore my emotions. I remember crying on the day I gave my son away, but not once, since then, have I allowed myself what I perceived as a woman’s weakness. Oh, an occasional drop or two when overcome by emotion, but it was rare, and you could count the seasons on both hands between the occurrences.

  Until Gabrielle.

  I’ve cried real tears on more than one occasion since she’s been with me. Funny, but now, when I think a good cry might be a welcome relief, I am unable.

  I felt Gabrielle’s presence and turned to see her with her robe pulled around her, fear or sorrow in her eyes, I couldn’t tell which. She moved to me and dropped to her knees in that familiar pose of subservience.

  “Forgive me, My Lord. I didn’t mean to anger you.”

  I touched her cheek with the back of my hand, smiling as tenderly as I could muster. She gently grasped my fingers and kissed the scarred knuckles. I extricated my hand, slowly pulling away. It felt too good and Goddess knows, I felt enough of a fool already.

  “I’m not angry with you, Gabrielle. I told you, you’ve done nothing wrong. Go on, go get some sleep.” I turned away to look back out the window. “You may as well sleep in your own rooms tonight, little one. Leave me now.” I added.

  I turned one last time, before she left the room, and I thought I saw an incredible sadness in Gabrielle’s face. I knew that is was my own imagination, and so I rested my chin in the palm of my hand, preparing for a sleepless night.

  * * *

  The sky was beginning to turn that soft gray color, just before Apollo’s light breaks through. I sat in much the same position as I had the whole night. Thinking of my life and what an awful mess I’ve made of the whole thing. Wondering what I was to do with my little slave now. Do we keep on, she giving, and I taking? Do I continue with our nights of mutual gratification, or do I merely let her pleasure me and keep a respectful distance?

  I saw movement out of the corner of my eye and when I turned, Gabrielle was standing in the doorway, between the two rooms. She wore a small silk shift that I gave her as a present, but no robe.

  “Gabrielle, are you ill?” I asked, taking notice of her swollen, red-rimmed eyes. It was quite obvious she’d been crying all night, and the sight stabbed at my heart.

  She rushed to fall to the floor before me, her sobs shaking her body.

  “Gabrielle,” I picked the girl up, pulling her into my lap. “You’re freezing... you’re going to catch your death.

  I rose, with the young girl in my arms, and settled onto the large lounge, pulling a heavy blanket from the back and wrapping it around the young girl’s body. She looked up at me and her cries grew in intensity.

  “Gabrielle, has someone hurt you?” I asked, only to have her shake her head. “Have I hurt you?” I asked again, thinking that must be it.

  “N-No, I hurt y-you.” She stammered.

  “Gabrielle, you haven’t hurt me.” I reached down and wiped the tears from her eyes, holding her closer until her shivering and tears both eased up a bit. I thought it odd that she would be so overwrought at the mere thought of causing me pain.

  My young slave wrapped her arms around my neck, and burrowed her face against the warmth of the skin there. I held her tightly, knowing that she deserved some explanation from me, no matter how big an idiot it made me look. She served me well and I was traumatizing her with my inability to put a voice to my stupidity where she was concerned.

  “It’s me, Gabrielle... you’ve done nothing to displease me. I... I thought... Gods this is so stupid.”

  Gabrielle pulled away from me, tears still glistening in her green eyes, but she had a look so full of compassion, that it gave me the strength to continue.

  “I thought... that perhaps you... felt... more... ” I stumbled.

  “More, My Lord?”

  “Felt more... for me, I mean. I... oh, it was a foolish notion I had... I never meant to cause you pain with my own weakness.” I turned away from her; I could feel my cheeks getting hot. It’s been quite some time, since I felt this kind of embarrassment.

  I felt soft fingertips guiding my chin back to face her.

  “Do you... feel something... something more... for me?”

  Should I lie? Should I laugh it off? Should I remind myself that masters don’t fall in love with their slaves? I knew that none of those options would be fair.

  “Yes, Gabrielle.” I answered, truthfully.

  “What?” she asked. “What do you feel?”

  “I don’t know... just... more.” I answered vaguely, still wondering if I could have fallen in love with the girl.

  “I thought you would know.” She began and I looked down into her serious face. “I thought you could tell me what it was, since I feel it, too.”

  “You?” I was confused. “For me?”

  Gabrielle nodded, and the look in her eye told me it was true and she was as confused as I.

  “What do you think you feel?” I asked her, not even daring to hope that I would hear her answer one way or another.

  “I’m not... I’m not sure... just... more.”

  I leaned over to kiss her forehead and she smiled in surprise.

  “Does this... does this bother you, My Lord, my feeling this?”

  I wrapped her in my arms once more, resting my chin upon the top of her blonde head. “I have to admit, Gabrielle, it does scare me a bit, but it certainly doesn’t bother me. How about you... doesn’t this scare you at all?”

  I felt those small arms tighten their hold about my waist as I felt Gabrielle shake her head back and forth. For the first time in candlemarks, I felt like laughing at the absurdity of the situation. I chuckled aloud and gave the small blonde in my arms a squeeze right back.

  “It would if you had any sense, trust me.”

  I felt much better feeling Gabrielle’s lips turn up into a smile against my skin. Neither of us said another word until the sun rose, then we slipped back into bed and fell asleep holding tightly to one another, uncertain as to exactly how to describe what we felt for one another, only knowing it was more.

  CHAPTER 14

  LOVERS AND MADMEN HAVE SUCH SEETHING BRAINS

  FOR THE FIRST time in ten seasons, Sylla did not rouse me in the morning, and for the first time in as many seasons; I did not awaken before dawn. When I finally shook away the slumber that held me in its tenuous grasp, I lay, staring up at the high ceiling above. Even though the tapestries still covered the windows, I could see by the light peering in through the edges of the heavy drapery, that it was late in the morning. The next thing I felt was the heartbeat, which I could feel pulsing against my chest. It wasn’t my own heartbeat, rather the small blonde, whose body was draped across my own. What a downright pleasurable way to wake up, I thought to myself.

  I smiled, a broad, lazy kind of grin as I listened to the gentle snores coming from Gabrielle as she slept. Gods, whoever thought that I might possibly find something like that endearing? My young slave slept heavily, something she didn’t normally do, but I’m sure the circumstances of last evening, and morning, were the cause. I gently extricated myself and rolled Gabrielle to her side, a soft murmur of protest escaping her as she slept. I rose and pushed the still warm pillow my head so recently rested on, into her arms. Again, a soft moan, but this time the words w
ere audible and they stole my breath away.

  “Mmmm, Xena,” she whispered faintly.

  I kissed her forehead and quickly pulled the same clothes on from yesterday. Running long fingers through my hair, I assumed I was at least presentable enough to wander down to the kitchens. I was actually hungry for once, but I was more concerned over why Sylla hadn’t been there this morning to wake me.

  I dodged a few scullery maids, their arms overloaded with dishes, and when I held the door open for the smallest of the three, she looked up at me as though I were an apparition. Hades, a look like that could really take the wind out of one’s sails.

  “It’s all right, girl, go on.” I forced myself to say gently.

  “Many thanks, Lord Conqueror,” she returned, rushing backwards through the door. Her eyes never left mine. I couldn’t tell if she was in such a hurry because of the load in her arms or if she just wanted to be away from me.

  I realized that although I hadn’t assaulted a woman in almost five seasons, my reputation still went before me. It probably didn’t help that I became such a monarch, that I not only never visited certain portions of the castle, but that I rarely recognized whether someone worked for me or not. I barely knew a soul in my own home. The thought made me determined to change that. I wasn’t sure how, but I would try. I would ask Gabrielle. Now that’s a thought that simply slipped out. Asking my slave for advice on how to rule? No, I answered my own question; ask her how to learn about people. Gabrielle seemed to know a lot about people, seemed to understand them, and the feelings that drove them.

  Walking into the small, private kitchen that was Delia’s domain, I was happy to see the older woman, hard at work kneading dough on a large stone slab.

  “Well, well, good morning, Lord Conqueror, how are you today.” She said to me, brushing a stray lock of hair away from her face with her forearm, her hands covered in flour.

  “Is Sylla Ill?” I asked quickly.

  She looked at me with a tired smile and shook her head back and forth.

  “Good morning, Delia, I’m right as rain, and yourself?” The woman said, talking to the air.

  I couldn’t keep from grinning, like a child who’d been caught stealing an extra sweet cake from the tray. “Sorry. Good morning, Delia. I’m fine, thanks.”

  “Wonderful to hear.” She continued on with her kneading, slapping the mixture with more flour. “I take it you’ve finally come down because you’re hungry?”

  “Yes, as a matter of fact. Why didn’t Sylla wake me? Is she all right?”

  “Sylla’s fine, no need to worry.” She answered.

  “Gods, I didn’t forget her birthday or something, did I?” I suddenly searched my brain and though Sylla celebrated something closer to the summer solstice.

  “No, she is not ill, nor did you forget her birthday. I told her not to wake you this morning.”

  “You?” I replied in confusion. “I don’t understand.”

  “Sylla came down as usual for your breakfast and said you were still asleep. She also said something about the cute picture you made--”

  “Tell me my maid didn’t call me cute.” I simply glared.

  “No,” Delia laughed, “I threw that part in.”

  “That much is believable... go on, after the cute part.” I admonished.

  “Well, she thought it odd that you were still sound asleep after the sun was up, then one of the guards told her the candles were blazing in your rooms till the sun rose. I was the one that told her to leave you be. Figure you and your Gabrielle must have had a long night.” She turned and winked at me.

  The look on my face must have told her something, for she furrowed her brow in concern.

  “Sit down, Xena, you look more than tired.” She said, pushing me onto the high stool that always sat next to the fire. “Are you ill yourself? Is Gabrielle all right?”

  “I’m not sure we are. I know for certain I’m not all right.” I answered.

  Delia rinsed her hands and poured me a cup of tea, wrapping my fingers around the mug, seating herself in front of me. “Drink this, it will make you feel better.” Something about that gesture was very mother-like and I could feel myself responding to the affection.

  I enjoyed the mint taste to the beverage and soon found myself relating everything that happened the previous evening. It all came tumbling out in such a jumbled mess, what actually happened, interspersed with the feelings I had for my young slave, that by the time I was finished, I was sure Delia wouldn’t have a clue, as to what was going on.

  When I looked up from my mug, I saw her smiling.

  “Xena,” she said softly, “there’s no need to make so much of it. You’re in love, that’s all.”

  I just stared at her.

  Was that the confirmation I was waiting for or the fact I was desperately trying to deny? I ran my fingers through my hair, rising and pacing in an agitated state.

  “Delia, masters don’t fall in love with their slaves.” I said flatly.

  “Well, you do have a point there. That is easily fixed however.” She reasoned.

  I refused to answer, even though I could literally feel the weight of her stare, waiting expectantly for an answer. I continued my pacing until I heard her sigh.

  “You do plan on fixing that, don’t you, Xena?”

  To hear Delia use my given name, well it always seemed to level the sparring field a little bit more between us. Actually, it more than leveled it. The older woman only used it on occasion, but she seemed older than the ten summers she had over me. I suppose it was always her motherly manner that caused me to feel this way. Now, more than ever, I saw the elder in her come out. She was asking me if I planned to give Gabrielle her freedom. I could no more hide the truth from Delia than I could from myself.

  “If I free her... she’ll leave.” I said hesitantly.

  “Why would you think that?” She responded.

  “Why?” I repeated, resuming my pacing again, a burning sensation building in the pit of my stomach. “Even you wouldn’t stay with someone like me if you had a choice, no woman would.” I shouted.

  “I would if I was in love with you.” She replied softly. “Gabrielle is just as in love with you, as you are with her.”

  I stopped all movement and kept asking myself the same thing. With my back to the older woman, I’m sure I sounded like a small, frightened child; Gods know I certainly felt like one.

  “Do you really believe that, Delia?” I asked.

  “Xena, sit down here.” She motioned me back onto the stool. “Now look me in the eye and tell me you don’t feel it. Blessed Athena, you sleep with the woman. When she touches you, doesn’t it feel different than any other’s touch that you’ve ever experienced?”

  “For me, but how do I know Gabrielle feels the same?”

  “I thought you said that you told her and she told you?” Delia threw back at me. I could see that I was confusing the woman.

  “Well... we kind of did... in a way... ”

  Xena, did you or did you not, tell the girl you loved her?”

  “I... well... not in those exact words... ”

  “In what words... exactly?” Delia asked, now crossing her arms across her chest.

  “Well... I told her that I felt... more.” I replied. I was beginning to feel like that idiotic schoolboy again.

  “More of what?”

  “Just... more.” I finished without meeting her eyes.

  “And what did she say to that?” Delia asked. I’m sure at this point; she was amazed that I’d been taking care of myself for forty-four seasons so far without incident.

  “She said she felt more, too.”

  Delia put her head in her hands and I couldn’t tell if she was laughing or crying. I jumped up from the stool to resume my agitated motion. I was embarrassed and aggravated at trying to make the woman understand.

  “I can’t do any better than that!” I nearly shouted. “I--” Stopping in mid sentence, I honestly thought I might
start crying out of frustration. Oh sure, now the tears come! I lowered my head, my hands on my hips, and in a broken voice, tried to continue. “I can’t... I don’t know... ”

  “You don’t know how... what to say to her?” Delia asked in an understanding voice.

  I returned to my seat and sunk down heavily. All I could do was nod my head in response. “I should know.” I eventually answered.

  Delia did something I never expected from the older woman. She took my hands in her own small, plump ones and squeezed them gently until I lifted my face to meet her eyes.

  “Xena, how could you be expected to know? You’ve never felt this way before, never had anyone to teach you, or tell you. You’re too hard on yourself. It’s understandable that when you have no one around to teach you how to love, you’re not going to get the example and the education that most do.” She finished.

  “That’s my own doing too. I spent my whole life--”

  “Do not even go there, my friend.” Delia chastised. “Do you really want to play the pity game? Okay, you spent your whole life what? Let’s see, murdering, raping, beating, stealing... right?”

  I looked up at her with a wry grin. I swear, that only Delia and Gabrielle have the ability to make me feel this way.

  “Yes, thank you, I feel so much better.” I answered.

  Delia chuckled and squeezed my hands lightly. “Xena, telling Gabrielle that you love her can be the easiest thing in the world. All you have to do is quit analyzing everything so much and look inside your heart. Look there and tell her what you feel, what you see between the two of you.”

  “When I try to do that my brain freezes up and my tongue feels the size of a small boulder.” I admitted. “I’ll sound like an idiot.”

  “True, it may sound a little strange to your ears, and you may stammer a bit, but I assure you, when you pledge your love, it may sound like Xena the Conqueror speaking to you, but Gabrielle will hear only the lyric love poetry of Ibycus.” Delia reassured me.

  “And if she doesn’t feel the same way as I?” I asked at last.

  “Therein lies the question that has driven more lovers mad than all else. All I can tell you there, Xena, is that the truth of love can be a powerful weapon. You above all others should know the value in a good weapon. It has the power to save or destroy; it all depends upon how you wield it. Occasionally, a rare few of us get to a place in our lives where we find something worth risking everything for. You alone decide; whether loving Gabrielle will be the object, you roll the dice for.