Questing (Cosmis Connections, Book One)

by Huffert, Barbara

  Jordan was sitting on the balcony again too tired to bother with a drink. Not that it would help. Friday, when Brett and Shane had invaded his kitchen, refusing to leave, he had tried dulling his mind with alcohol. Unfortunately, all he accomplished was a heightened state of melancholy and a hangover, which interfered with the work he planned for Saturday. Worse, his comments had motivated Brett and Shane to spend Saturday with him as well. Sunday, he finally had to get vocal and kick them out. If he hadn’t, they’d probably still be there.

  Monday had been torture. The fallout from the letters he sent informing his clients of his need to sever their business relationship was even worse than he’d expected. Dwight held up surprisingly well considering that the calls were coming in nonstop from the time he arrived in the morning until he left. He worked so hard to conceal his frazzled nerves that Jordan gave him the rest of the week off because he realized it was more than any intern should be asked to handle. He decided he’d leave the machine on, keep the door locked, not look at his e-mail and somehow force himself to forget that he cared about his former clients. All he had to do now was find a way to keep Brett and Shane out and he’d be all set. He needed to wallow privately and they didn’t seem to get that.

  “Damn,” Jordan muttered as the phone rang. He wasn’t up to dealing with Sadie but he’d never forgive himself if she truly needed something and he hadn’t bothered to pick up. Taking a deep breath, he answered, “You’ve reached Jordan McKade. What’s your topic this evening?”

  “Um…hi…m-my name is Kiley and…and I need some advice.” She did it! So what if it came out a little rocky. She managed to speak and that was almost more than she’d hoped for.

  Every nerve in Jordan’s body jumped to alert as adrenaline pumped through him. After a long pause, he responded, “Good evening, Kiley. How can I help you tonight?”

  He was playing along. Kiley couldn’t believe it. She fought to breathe. “Well, there’s this guy…”

  “And he went back to his wife?”

  “No.”

  “He cheated on you?”

  “No.”

  “He borrowed your panties and ran off with your ex-fiancé?”

  “No, nothing like that.” She realized he was trying to put her at ease. “I broke his heart.”

  “Why don’t you tell me all about it?”

  “Do you have time?”

  “As much as you need.” He paused. “Tell me, Kiley. I can’t help unless you do. Start at the beginning.”

  “Okay. Let’s see. It was last December, just before Christmas. I’m the day hostess at a restaurant and he and his friend came in around lunchtime. I’d never seen him before, well, either of them. They were handsome, charming, friendly. Both were extremely well-dressed, obviously businessmen, successful, confident. I don’t know why I was drawn to one more than the other but I was instantly. As I walked around the dining room, I kept hearing his voice. It was incredible. Whenever he spoke, I could feel it. Not the words, I couldn’t always hear them. It was like his voice was wrapping itself around me somehow. When they left, the one I was attracted to took the time to introduce himself. He shook my hand and his touch made me tingle. I didn’t ever expect to see him again but the next day they showed up for lunch again. They started coming in every day.

  “My friend at work and my boss got to know them, since they never missed lunch. I learned that the man was an ultra-successful, highly respected investor of some kind. Apparently, he’s a genius at what he does. Well, discovering that intimidated me tremendously and I already could barely speak to him. He thought I was shy and went out of his way to be especially kind and patient with me. But that wasn’t it. I just couldn’t tell him the real reason.”

  “What was the real reason?” Jordan interrupted.

  “I was overwhelmed whenever he got close to me but not because I’m shy. I was flustered and said stupid things because I wanted him, more than I ever wanted anyone. I began to fantasize about being with him. I even went as far as getting myself on birth control pills so I could be spontaneous if I ever had the chance. I was tongue-tied because I had to fight not to blurt out what I wanted us to do together. I was clumsy because I had to resist touching him.”

  “So how did you get close enough to break his heart?”

  “It was my cousin’s birthday and the opportunity came up for him to help me with the present. I didn’t know it at the time but his friend, the one he had lunch with and my friend maneuvered it so I would ask him. We started talking and getting to know each other a little. He was so kind, the way he ignored my awkwardness. He just continued as if I hadn’t just stuttered or said something stupid. He actually asked me to marry him the second time we spoke on the phone.”

  “Really?” Jordan would never forget.

  “Yeah but he did it in a way that made it seem as if he were teasing. I panicked anyway. Let’s face it, we’re in different leagues or so I thought at the time. His image is all mystique, brilliance and sophistication while I’m a plain Jane, what you see is what you get. Oh, I’m nice and pleasant and I always try to be a decent person but he’s so amazing. He seems to know everyone and everything but he’s still taking classes anyway. He’s never at a loss for words. He’s wealthy and unbelievably confident. I had a hard time accepting that an incredible guy like him could honestly be interested in me. On top of everything, I began to see that he was as genuinely nice as he seemed to be. It wasn’t an act. He was perfect.”

  “What happened?”

  Kiley was crying. Jordan could tell she was trying to hide it. He decided that, as much as he wanted to go to her and have this conversation with her securely in his arms, he couldn’t. He had to maintain the charade as long as she did.

  “On my cousin’s birthday, this horrible, evil weasel of a guy tricked me and tried to hurt me. Against all odds, which were about a gazillion to none, he was somehow in the right place at the right time to rescue me, which he did without a second’s hesitation. I was in the middle of something really bad and he put himself in tremendous danger to save me. He took care of me and had his brother and friend make sure my cousin had a nice birthday.

  “I was a disgusting mess but it didn’t matter. He took me to his home and made me safe. I had been drugged and was sick everywhere but he didn’t get mad. He held my hair and rubbed my back while I threw up all over his house. He ignored the mess I made of myself and him. He cleaned me up and made everything okay. He wouldn’t let me be embarrassed. And when the drug loosened my tongue and started to tell him what I wanted us to do he prevented me from ruining us before we had a chance. He even found a way to take the edge off my lust and still be a gentleman.”

  “How’s that possible?” Jordan was fascinated.

  “I mentioned his voice, remember? Well, I thought he could excite me to the point of satisfaction just by talking to me if he tried. Even though he would have preferred to wait until I was completely myself again, he agreed to talk to me anyway. He sat on a chair while I sprawled on his bed and told me what our first real kiss would be like. He told me what he hoped it would lead to. Well, there I was, wearing only his shirt, which I’d unbuttoned and shoved open. I may as well have been naked. He talked and I touched myself in ways I never thought I’d ever do in front of someone. I climaxed three times just from listening to him.”

  “I thought you said you touched yourself.”

  “I did but I wouldn’t have needed to. His voice turns me on that much but I couldn’t just lay there. He wouldn’t let us touch each other like I wanted so I did the next best thing. I used my hands as I wanted him to. I even got him excited too.”

  “I would think so.”

  “Anyway, the next day, he protected me from our families by getting clothes dropped off so I didn’t have to face them in his. After he convinced the others to let him deal with what happened to me his way, I found the courage to stay with him when they left.”

  “Why did you stay?” He was unable to resist the que
stion.

  “The night before when I was drugged, he refused to touch me even though I practically threw myself at him and begged. He promised if I still felt the same after we spoke with our families, he’d indulge me. There was no way I was changing my mind, not the way I’d fantasized about him for months. When we were alone I made it clear that I wanted to make love. We did and I can’t begin to describe how truly amazing we were together. It was almost unreal in the way it was beyond perfect. It didn’t matter if we were playful or sweet, lusty or overwhelmingly tender. Every time was incredible. I was never overly interested in sex before but this guy made me want to try things I’d never even considered before. He let me too. He was willing to do anything and everything I wanted. I was spoiled sexually beyond belief.

  “You’re probably thinking that that’s all it was, great sex but it was so much more. We had seen each other briefly practically every day for four months. We spent four days being one hundred percent together, in all ways. He made me part of his life so easily and so completely. We talked about absolutely everything, from dreams, to goals, to growing up, to silly movies. It was so right, being with him. He really was the kind, caring, generous, good man he seemed to be.”

  “I’m afraid I don’t understand. If this guy was so great, why did you break his heart?”

  “I’m getting to that. You see, we still had to deal with the guy who drugged me. He was in a lot of trouble with some really bad people. Foolishly, or should I say naïvely, I didn’t understand how dangerous it was even though he explained everything to me very thoroughly.” Kiley tried to muffle a sob.

  “Please,” Jordan waited until she was quiet, “continue. I can’t help if you don’t tell me the rest.”

  “All right.” Her voice was shaky but she kept going. “A week ago, one of the men helping him resolve this called while he was at the restaurant. He left after reassuring me that everything would be fine. Maybe that’s why I didn’t think it was all that bad. He was so calm and confident. I know now that he was behaving that way to keep me from being terrified but at the time, I didn’t realize it.

  “Then his friend got a call, saying he’d been taken to the police station for fighting with the other guy in public. I insisted on going along. When we got there, my guy looked as impeccable as always and the one who tried to hurt me was beaten up. They were with a man who turned out to be a lawyer, sent by the big-time criminal. I watched as the man who I thought was good and honest chatted with the criminal’s personal assistant. He readily got in the car with them while the man I thought was evil resisted. His friend tried to tell me that he was being cool because he had to be. He said it was the only way to get anything close to the outcome I stupidly said I wanted.

  “Then we talked to his brother who is a cop. The other cop who’d called him went on and on about how talented a fighter my guy is. Again, I overlooked the fact that someone so skilled could easily have seriously injured an attacker if he wanted to. He’d only done what he had to in order to defend himself.

  “I spent the day in a daze. I was so scared for him that I stopped thinking straight. I started to dwell on the way he seemed. I let my mind blow it so incredibly out of proportion. I knew better but I couldn’t stop. I made him into some kind of monster. I convinced myself that what I knew about him had all been a lie and it just kept getting more horrible. By the time he called to say it was finished, I was out of control,” she sniffled.

  “He and his friend along with a feisty old woman they know had a huge meeting that evening. It was about something really big. He’d offered to tell me but I was too insecure to let him.”

  “Insecure?”

  “Yes. This perfect-in-all-ways guy had already offered me the life I’d always dreamed of and I was scared. What if plain me wasn’t enough for him? I’d just had the four best days of my life. I knew he’d make all of them like that if I said I wanted that. I didn’t need to know what it was to know that whatever they were involved in would be the chance of a lifetime for me too. But what if I took the life he offered and he decided he didn’t want to share it with me anymore? How would I live if he stopped loving me?”

  “Why are you so sure he would? Maybe you’d be the lucky ones who actually made it? What if forever, in your case, really meant forever?”

  “I told you, Jordan, I was scared and insecure and I lost my mind and believed an image that couldn’t possibly be true. Instead of talking to you and letting you explain everything, I gave into my fear and ran away. No, that’s not right. I hurt you and forced you away from me.” She was openly crying.

  “Kiley, where are you?” he asked softly.

  “Not yet, Jordan. Please. I have to finish this way.”

  “But I hate that you’re going through this without me. Can’t I hold you? I can hear you crying.”

  “No. Please?”

  “If this is how you want it, fine. Go on.”

  “Thank you.” She took a deep breath. “I knew, even while I was chasing you away that I was making the worst mistake of my life. I didn’t want you to go but I couldn’t stop myself. I spent the night trying to make myself come to you but I never managed to move. The next day, when Brett came in and Dee told him what I’d done, I saw the hatred on his face. No, don’t say it, Jordan. He had warned me that in spite of your unfailing confidence and self-assurance, you were vulnerable to me. I assured him that I’d never hurt you and I’d done just that. He had the sketch of us with him and Henry forced me to look at it. He made me take it home with me. There were so many times I wanted to call you.”

  “Why didn’t you?”

  “I hurt you, Jordan, in the worst way imaginable. I know I made it sound as if I repaid the way you helped me with sex. I made your love into something ugly. I said horrible things that I knew weren’t true. What could I say to you if I’d called?”

  “You did call though. What changed your mind?”

  “First, I saw the letter you sent out. I was with Dee the day Will talked to you about it. He was much more blunt than Dee was. He told me how you looked. He said I should fix things with you and I might not have unlimited time to do it. Then this morning, Shane came to see me.”

  “I’m sorry, Kiley. He shouldn’t have.”

  “Yes, he should have, Jordan. He made me listen to what happened last Tuesday. I knew I was wrong but he showed me just how wrong. He also pointed out that if you had faith in me, I should too. And I’m sure you already guessed that Brett and Sadie came to see me. They came to the restaurant as I was about to leave today. They told me your plans and how they came to be. Brett mentioned your recent investing and how he thinks you’re getting ready to go away same as Will had. Then he told me that he’s decided to believe in me. He said he was ready to put all his trust in me to get us through this. While he and Sadie talked, he did another sketch. It was of both of us looking as he sees us now. If I blow it tonight he wants the first one back so he can use them to remind him why he shouldn’t ever fall in love.”

  “What are you trying to say, Kiley?”

  “Well, Jordan, first, I’m trying to apologize and—”

  “Don’t you think you should do this in person? Please. Where are you?”

  “Out front. Brett loaned me his cell phone. Sadie told me what time to call and he gave me his phone. She figured you’d answer if you thought it was her and he knew you would if you checked and saw his number.”

  When she revealed her location, Jordan raced down the stairs. Before she finished her explanation, he was outside. “Hang up and come over here,” he said before he disconnected their call. When she hesitated, he sat on the top step to wait. He was in a shadow so she couldn’t see his face.

  Trembling, Kiley got out of the car and crossed the street, stopping on the sidewalk in front of him. She knew she had to speak but standing there, so close but still afraid to reach for him, her mind went blank.

  “I thought you had something to say to me,” Jordan urged gently. “Should I go back
inside?”

  “N-no… I… God, I’m blowing this!”

  “Just tell me what you feel. Everything. Don’t think, just talk.”

  She wished she could see his eyes. “Okay… Well… I love you. I’m embarrassed. I’m ashamed. I hurt you. I was so stupid but I was scared. I would do anything to turn back time and relive last Tuesday. I finally meet the guy I want to spend my life with and I screw it up so bad. I couldn’t believe it when you said you wanted the same things in your life that I’d always wished for in my own. I hung up on you when you asked me to marry you over the phone because I was about to scream yes and how would you react if you’d just been kidding? I was also afraid you’d think I was insane since, at the time, I still couldn’t really talk to you. And you made everything okay, just like you said you would and I ruined everything. You were about to start the life I wanted to share with you and I destroyed that too. Is Brett right? Are you going to disappear after Max dies? Jordan, I’m sorry I freaked out and let my mind invent things instead of listening to my heart. I ruined our chance for happiness but please, don’t let my mistakes ruin things for you. Don’t let me destroy your friendship. Brett is so worried about you. Go follow your grand scheme and do what the two of you set out to do. You are such a good man. Don’t let my foolishness deprive the rest of the world of all you intended to give it.”

  “I need to ask you a question,” Jordan interrupted. “Did you want to hurt me? Did you plan on throwing me out of your life when I left the restaurant to meet Winslow that day? Did you believe I was a monster then?”

  Kiley took a deep breath to steady herself. The day Brett told her Jordan had his heart on his sleeve and she didn’t, she hadn’t really understood exactly what he meant. Now she did. At this point, nothing less than the naked truth would do. “I did not ever sit down and tell myself that the next time I saw you I was going to rip your heart out. It never crossed my mind. But I could see what my words were doing to you. I knew I was hurting you and I couldn’t force myself to stop. I was stunned to hear me telling you that it was unfortunate that you loved me. God, Jordan, I was saying things that were exactly opposite of how I felt. I never imagined that I’d meet someone like you. Even when I proclaimed that you were a monster, part of me kept insisting that I shut up. That was so far from the truth and I knew it.