by Sherry Lewis
Annie had the feeling she’d need things to keep her mind occupied while she was here. “I’d love to,” she said. “Just remind me that morning, okay?”
“Sure, but unless you’re on another planet, you’ll hear the ruckus. Horses and cowboys aren’t exactly a quiet combination.” He took another long drink and glanced around the kitchen. “Mind me asking what’s for breakfast?”
Annie set her cup aside and decided she’d dropped out of the clouds enough to start cooking. She pulled the notebook Dean had given her from the cupboard and checked the day’s menu. She could have sworn her cholesterol level rose just reading about what he expected her to fix.
“Eggs, bacon, sausage, hash browns…” Annie shook her head and stared at Gary in amazement. “Do you really eat like this every morning?”
“Pretty much.”
“And you’re all still alive?”
“Pretty much.” Gary grinned and slid from the counter. “It’s a different world out here, Annie. A bowl of cereal or a fruit cup might work for people who have to pay money to get a little exercise, but it doesn’t carry you very far through the day when you’re chopping firewood and rounding up horses.”
Annie pulled a handful of potatoes from the basket she’d put on the floor after dinner. “Well, I’m not a ranch hand and I’m almost positive my blood will stop flowing if I eat like this every day. Don’t you think most of your guests will be used to eating lighter?”
“Maybe. But some folks pay to forget about cholesterol and fat grams for a week.”
Annie rinsed the potatoes and set them aside to drain. “It would still be nice to give people a choice, don’t you think?”
Gary shrugged. “I suppose. You’ll have to talk to Dean about that, though. I’m not the man in charge.”
Annie’s heart gave a traitorous leap of anticipation. “What do you think my chances are of getting him to agree?”
“I’d say that depends on the kind of day he’s having and how you ask.” Gary turned to rest his arms on the counter. “I’d give him a little time if I were you. Tyler’s going to need a little more attention than Dean anticipated.”
Annie started toward the refrigerator for eggs and milk, but movement just outside the window caught her attention. She stopped and took a closer look and realized that Nessa was walking with Tyler along the edge of the clearing. Their heads were bent close together until Nessa laughed at something Tyler said.
Gary crossed the room to stand beside her and bent to see what she was watching. “Something wrong?”
“Not really.” She smiled and turned away from the window.
“Not really, or not at all?”
Annie wasn’t sure she liked being so easy to read. “Not really,” she said again. “It’s just that I’ve only got three months left before Nessa moves in with Spence, and I seem to be moving down a few notches on her list of priorities.”
Gary’s smile faded. “You want me to talk to Tyler?”
“No. Of course not. It’s not surprising that the only two young people around would gravitate toward each other. I’m just being selfish.”
“I’m not sure that’s the word I’d use for it.”
Annie waved his concern away. “It’s no big deal. They’re just walking together. It’s not as if they’re doing anything wrong. And I do have to learn to let go before September.”
Gary turned away from the window. “So, are you really okay letting her move in with her dad?”
“Do I have a choice?” The question came out a little too harshly. Annie tried to relax before she spoke again. “Nessa’s as much Spence’s daughter as she is mine. There’s no logical reason not to let her stay.”
“Who the hell cares about logical?”
Annie let out a tight laugh and leaned against the cupboard. “I have to. If I fight this too hard, I’ll end up losing her and I can’t bear that.” She smoothed a stray hair away from her forehead and repeated the words that had become a mantra over the past weeks. “I’ll learn to live with her being a thousand miles away. I don’t think I could survive if she hated me.”
“Those are the only two options?”
“They seem to be. I really don’t mind that she’s enjoying Tyler’s company. Maybe she’ll stop talking about going back to Chicago.” Annie tried again to glimpse the kids, but they’d already disappeared. “But there are times when I wish she wasn’t quite so crazy about boys.”
Gary smiled softly. “Correct me if I’m wrong, but weren’t you boy crazy at her age?”
“Yes, and look at all the problems I caused myself. Married right out of high school. Pregnant before the first year was up… Not that I regret having Nessa. But I sometimes wonder if things might have turned out differently if Spence and I hadn’t been so eager to become adults.”
“That’s one of those questions with no answers, isn’t it?”
“Maybe.”
“Don’t ‘what-if,’ Annie. It’s a dangerous game and you can eat yourself alive with it.”
“I’m not trying to second-guess the past.” She turned away and pulled a mixing bowl from an overhead cabinet. “I’m trying to make the future better. I don’t want Nessa to make the same mistakes I did.”
“And you think you can control that?”
“Not for long. Any influence I might have will disappear in September.”
Gary turned a comical expression on her. “Are you kidding? I don’t know about your mother, but mine still has plenty of influence over us kids.”
Annie smiled reluctantly. “It’s not the same, though.”
“Well that’s true. But Nessa’s going to be an adult before long. No matter where she lives or who she lives with, your relationship is going to change. That’s just life.”
Annie cracked eggs into the bowl and put her frustrations behind the wire whisk. “I know that. But do you have any idea how hard this is for me? Letting her go to live with her dad? Leaving her a thousand miles behind? Being across the country, too far away to go to her if she’s having a bad day?”
All the emotions she’d been struggling to keep in check came rushing to the surface, and she whipped the whisk even faster. “I hate Spence for having this idea and I’m furious with Nessa for wanting to go along with it—and I can’t do anything about it because the more I say, the more determined she becomes to go through with it.”
Gary moved closer and slipped an arm around her shoulders. “I know this probably doesn’t help much, but Nessa seems like a smart girl. Steady and reliable. I’m sure she’ll be okay.”
Annie blinked back tears and nodded. “I know that, too, or I wouldn’t have said yes. Maybe I’m just jealous because Spence’s new girlfriend is going to be taking my place, doing things with Nessa that I should be doing. Taking her shopping, talking about boys…”
A lump formed in her throat and she had to stop whisking the eggs to dash tears away. “That’s the worst part, you know. Being expected to relinquish my role to some other woman—and the fact that it’s that woman is just more than I can stand.”
“This is the woman you found him with?”
“The one and only.”
“Ouch.”
Annie glanced at the froth she’d worked up and made a face. “How did we get on this subject, anyway? If I start thinking about Spence and Catherine I’ll ruin breakfast completely.”
“Then don’t think about them.” Gary gave her a quick squeeze, crossed to the refrigerator and pulled out an apple. “Feed me before I waste away completely.”
Annie had released enough tension to manage a laugh. “I will if you’ll get out of here and let me concentrate.”
Gary started to close the refrigerator, changed his mind and took a second apple, then crossed to the back door. “You going to be okay?”
“I’ll be fine. Thanks for caring.”
He took a bite from an apple, pushed the door open with his back and gestured toward the counter. “Don’t forget the sausage and bacon. I’m
a growing boy, you know. I need sustenance.”
Annie tossed an orange at him and laughed as he caught it before ducking out the door. The release of emotion had worn her out, but the familiar acts of moving through the kitchen soon gave her a second wind. She found her rhythm so that every movement flowed into the next. As always, she lost herself in the process.
She loved creating new dishes and she wondered whether or not she could possibly enjoy teaching as much. Resolutely, she pushed the doubts aside and reminded herself that she was moving forward, not looking back.
She couldn’t afford to start doubting herself now.
CHAPTER SIX
BY TUESDAY MORNING, the air pulsed with excitement over the horses’ arrival. Les had taken an extra cup of coffee at breakfast. Dean and Gary jumped at every sound from outside, and Irma kept looking out the windows, just in case. Even Nessa and Tyler seemed more animated.
Annie didn’t feel the same level of anticipation, but she wanted to join the fun. Besides, creating a party atmosphere would give her an excuse to cook something special for lunch.
She spent the morning stirring together bread dough, which she left to rise in a sunny corner of the counter, then pounded chicken breasts, diced tomatoes, garlic and herbs, and grated the fresh Parmesan cheese she’d been stunned to find in Whistle River’s small grocery store.
With the chicken Parmesan ready to stick in the oven at the right time, she dug through closets, where she eventually found a stack of bright yellow place mats, several mismatched vases and half a dozen brandy glasses. Wandering outside, she strolled along the edge of the meadow and filled a basket with sunflower buds, which she placed in the brandy glasses down the center of the table and arranged in the vases with a few white lacy flowers and some greenery she couldn’t identify.
She cooked bow-tie pasta to the al dente stage and stirred in olive oil, a handful of different herbs, olives and fresh vegetables, then stuck the bowl into the refrigerator so the salad could cool. She carefully tufted crisp, white napkins in stemmed goblets at each place setting and stepped back to view her handiwork, but the joy she felt in the creative process only reinforced the doubts she’d been trying to dodge about teaching at the culinary institute.
She was so deep in thought the shrill ring of the telephone tore a surprised shriek from her. She spun toward it quickly, knocking over a glass, and by the time she’d righted it again the ringing had stopped. Irma’s voice drifted down from upstairs a few minutes later.
“Phone’s for you, Annie.”
Annie wiped her hands on her apron, crossed to the phone on the wall and answered uncertainly. She’d left this number with her mother and with the director of personnel at the institute, but she hadn’t expected anyone to call so soon.
“Annie.”
The familiar male voice sounded out of place in the sunny kitchen of the Eagle’s Nest. “Spence? Is something wrong?”
“That’s what I’d like to know. Nessa left a message on my voice mail a couple of nights ago. She didn’t sound happy.”
Annie sank into a chair at the table, certain that the cloud suddenly shadowing the room was a purely emotional one. “What did she say?”
“Just that she needed me to call her.”
“She called you two days ago and you’re just getting around to finding out why?”
“Don’t start, Annie. I’ve been busy, and I knew that if anything was seriously wrong, you’d take care of it.”
The vote of confidence didn’t help. Annie couldn’t help comparing how he’d have reacted if their situations were reversed. “So, why are you calling me? Why not talk to Nessa?”
“Curiosity, I guess. I wanted to know what’s really going on before I talk to her. And, frankly, I’m a little afraid of stepping on your toes.”
Annie let out a tight laugh. “I was ready to believe you until you said that.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Spence asked, his voice suddenly cool.
“Just that it’s been a while since you showed any concern about my toes.”
“That’s not true.”
“Really? How concerned were you when you convinced Nessa not to come with me when I move?”
Spence sighed heavily. “I had nothing to do with her decision.”
“She couldn’t have made it without you.”
“I offered to let her stay with me, Annie, but only because she was so determined not to move away from Chicago. I’d like you to tell me what you’d have done differently.”
Annie knew she was letting hurt feelings cloud her judgment, and she hated when she did that. She forced herself to return to his original question. “Nessa’s fine, Spence. There’s no need to worry about her. I don’t know why she called you, except that things are a little different here than in the city and she’s facing an adjustment. But she’ll be fine. It’s only temporary.”
“That’s what I figured.” Spence let out a deep breath and Annie imagined him sitting at his desk, his ever-present cup of coffee at his elbow, his dark hair softly spiked from running his fingers through it.
She knew more about Spence than anyone alive, and there were times when she missed knowing someone so well. Times when she missed having a second half to herself, another person whose ins and outs she knew as well as her own. That was probably another reason she’d imagined herself attracted to Dean.
“I should still talk with her, though,” Spence said, breaking into her thoughts. “Is she around?”
Annie pulled herself back to the conversation with effort and craned her neck to see outside. “I think she’s down at the stables, but there’s no phone down there. Should I have her call you when she comes back?”
“If she wants to. I don’t want to intrude on your summer together.”
Annie closed her eyes and kneaded her forehead with her fingertips. “I’m trying to decide whether I appreciate you being thoughtful, or whether I resent it.”
Spence laughed softly. “If my vote counts for anything, I’d pick the former. I’m not trying to be a jerk, you know. I regret hurting you after all the years we were together. I don’t want to do it again.”
Annie didn’t trust herself to respond to that. She’d either cry or say something sarcastic, and she didn’t want to do either.
When Spence realized she wasn’t going to speak, he changed the subject. “So, what’s it like working at a dude ranch?”
She cleared her throat and managed to answer. “Fine so far. I haven’t been here long enough to form an opinion.”
“You’re serious about spending the entire summer there?”
“Why wouldn’t I be?”
“It’s just that you belong here, not off in the middle of nowhere.”
Annie traced one finger along a beam of sunlight on the table. “You know I can’t stay in Chicago, Spence.”
“I don’t mean just Chicago. You helped make this restaurant after Dad died. It’s not the same without you.”
He’d been so determined to retain sole ownership of his family’s restaurant when they initiated their divorce proceedings, his admission stunned Annie at first, then made her uneasy. “What are you getting at?”
“Nothing, really. Or maybe I’m worried about you. You’ve worked too hard to throw your career away now.”
“You don’t need to worry,” Annie assured him, purposely relaxing her grip on the receiver. “I’m not throwing my career away. I’m taking it in a different direction.”
“The wrong direction. You’re a certified chef, Annie, not a cooking instructor, and certainly not a trail cook. What you’re doing is so far beneath you, I can’t even find the words to verbalize it.”
His judgment irritated her. Even worse, it magnified the doubts she’d already been battling. “I don’t consider it beneath me,” she said firmly. “I like it here.”
“Come on, Annie. You thrive on challenge. You’ll stagnate without one. And you can’t convince me that there’s anything out there putting
your skills to the test. For heaven’s sake, don’t ruin your career to spite me.”
“I’m not ruining my career, and I’m certainly not out to spite you. This may surprise you, Spence, but you don’t figure into the decisions I make now.”
“You aren’t leaving Chicago to get away from me?”
The more he talked, the more exasperated Annie became. “I’m leaving to start over.”
“Believe what you want. But after sixteen years and one child together, you’ll always be part of the decisions I make.”
Such a blatant attempt to make her feel guilty was the final straw. “Does that include the decision you made to sleep with Catherine while we were still married?”
“This isn’t about Catherine. It’s about you. I’ll always be concerned about you.”
Annie laughed harshly and stood to look out the window. “Thanks, but no thanks. I walked in on your concern and saw it with my own two eyes, remember?”
“It must be convenient to blame me for everything,” Spence said, his voice tight and angry. “But you have to shoulder a little of the responsibility for what happened to our marriage, too. It was over a long time before I met Catherine, and that’s as much your fault as mine. I made a mistake sleeping with Catherine before the divorce, but that’s not what ended our marriage. So can’t we please put this episode behind us?”
Despite Annie’s efforts to remain calm, the familiar hurt and anger boiled to the surface. “It was a little more than an ‘episode,’” she snapped. “It was an affair. That’s not so easy to forget. If you found our marriage so horrible that you just had to sleep with Catherine to feel better, it might have been a good idea to share that information with me first. Now, unless you have something important to say about Nessa, I’m through talking.”
She gave him about five seconds to respond, then broke their connection. As soon as she did, a fit of trembling overtook her and forced her back into her chair. She put her head down and gulped air in a vain attempt to calm herself, but her emotions were too raw and confused.
