Dirty little secrets

by Deja King

  “Baby, what’s in these dolls?”

  “All natural herbs and stuff. It just relaxes your muscles so you can feel good.” I knew there was more to it, but I preferred hearing the bullshit. Then if things did go bad, I could pretend I was in the dark and unaware that I was willingly taking narcotics.

  “Okay, that’s cool.” I smiled as if I fed into his garbage.

  “Don’t forget tomorrow you have to meet with the photographer to take a few shots for the promo ads.”

  “How can I forget? You remind me every other hour.”

  “Tyler, baby, don’t get smart. You know how I detest when you’re loose with the lips.” T-Roc was exactly like Ian, but more subtle in his controlling ways. Ian would hit me or scream to make me follow his commands; T-Roc would try to bribe me by using logic. If that didn’t work, he’d simply hand me a pill. T-Roc excused himself to go to the restroom, and as I began feeling the effect of the pill, my cell rang. It was Ian. I scanned the room and when no T-Roc was in view, I answered.

  “You finally answered my call. Baby, why are you mad at me?” Instead of the bellowing I expected from Ian, he was calm and mild-mannered.

  “I can’t talk about it right now.”

  “When can you talk about it? Baby, I’m going crazy without you.”

  “Ian, don’t do this. I have so much to say to you.”

  “Then say it,” Ian pleaded.

  “Not now.”

  “Come to Detroit and be with me for a few weeks. What-ever’s wrong, I know we can work it out, Tyler.”

  After leaving the bathroom, T-Roc had stopped to chat with a gentleman, but now he was on his way back to the table.

  “Ian, I have to go, but I’ll call you tomorrow so we can discuss everything.” As I was hanging up, I heard Ian saying he loved me. Could he love me though? Almost all men cheat. The ones who don’t probably can’t find anyone to cheat with. But a woman is never supposed to know. My ideal man is one who is so discreet and tactful with his indiscretions that they would never get back to me. Because if you don’t know, technically it didn’t happen. Unfortunately I had caught Ian red-handed, and there was no escaping that. In my heart he was still my Prince Charming, and we belonged together.

  “Who were you talking to?” T-Roc asked before even sitting down.

  “Just Chrissie telling me about her problems with that soap opera guy.”

  “How’s that relationship panning out anyway?” T-Roc asked, knowing good and well he couldn’t give a flying fuck.

  “Excellent—if you call fucking and snorting a relationship.”

  That night after T-Roc got his oral fix and we made love, I lay in the bed mulling over what I should do about Ian. I wasn’t ready to let him go, but I definitely couldn’t see Ian and T-Roc at the same time. They were cousins, for goodness’ sake. This was too much to deliberate. I’d revisit the issue in the morning.

  I dreaded getting up in the morning, especially to meet with a photographer. When I scrutinized myself in the mirror, I was a vision of shit. My energy level was nonexistent, and my morale low. Luckily T-Roc had left two dolls to help me through the day. After throwing on some sweats and a T-shirt, I hopped in a cab and headed to the photographer’s studio.

  “Hi, Dave. What’s it looking like today?”

  “In and out; Sasha left two outfits for the promo ad, and she wants one with low-cut jeans, no shirt.”

  “Cool, I can handle that.”

  “I got something if you need a boost.”

  “You’re a sweetheart, but I’m good.” One sure thing in the fashion business: you can always count on having your choice of anything in the candy store.

  Thank goodness T-Roc had left me those dolls, because I was completely drained. When I thought my morning couldn’t get any worse, Sasha came prancing in in her typical over-the-top attire. Even at eight o’clock in the morning she was in full glamour-girl mode.

  “Hi, Tyler. I’ve missed you. We haven’t spoken since my party.”

  “Yeah, I’ve been busy.”

  “So I hear; with T-Roc, no doubt.” She grinned. I cracked a half-smile, hoping Sasha would take the hint that I was in no mood to talk. But of course she didn’t.

  “You must be awfully special for T-Roc to go through so much trouble for you.”

  “Trouble… What kind of trouble?” She had piqued my interest.

  “Well, this is between you and me, because T-Roc might get a little pissed if he knew I was telling you this. But personally I think it’s flattering that he went through all the trouble.” Sasha took her time getting to the point.

  “Well, T-Roc asked me to hook up his cousin Ian with Brianna and Sierra and have you catch him in the act. Can you believe he went through all that trouble so he could have you? You must be amazing in bed.” Sasha stood there telling me this psychotic story with a big smile, revealing her perfect porcelain-veneer teeth.

  “I knew you were a despicable bitch,” I sneered. Sasha did a catwalk stand as if she didn’t hear me, so I repeated myself. “You despicable bitch! How dare you make me a part of T-Roc’s and your game? That whole “Go upstairs and look at your pictures” was nothing but a ploy to catch my boyfriend fucking the nitwit twins?”

  “Tyler, you’re taking this way too seriously. T-Roc obviously cares about you a great deal if he would turn on his cousin just to have you. Instead of being upset, you should be honored that someone of T-Roc’s status went through the trouble.”

  “Sasha, there is no sense reasoning with you, because in your pathetic mind you can’t even comprehend how foul this is.” I put my sweats and T-shirt back on and started to get outta that hell-hole, while Sasha stared at me with confusion written on her face.

  “Where are you going, Tyler? You have a shoot to do.”

  “Sasha, I won’t be doing any shoots for you ever again.”

  “You can’t just leave. This is the biggest break of your life. You will never get another chance like this.”

  “Sasha, dear, your never and my never are two different things. You’re right; I hope I never get a break like this again. It comes with too high a price.” As I stormed out of the building, I heard Dave calling for me to come back. The poor guy had no idea what was going on. Boiling over inside, I reached in my bag to get my Dasani water and the last doll. T-Roc was playing God with my life, and that was unacceptable.

  I arrived at T-Roc’s office demanding to see him immediately. When his assistant said he was in a meeting, I just barged in.

  “I need to talk to you—now.”

  “I’m in a meeting, Tyler. Can you wait for a few minutes?”

  “No, I can’t.” With extreme annoyance T-Roc asked the two men and one woman to step out for a moment. After he closed the door, fire was in his eyes, but it was no match for the fire that was brewing inside me.

  “You look like shit. Why aren’t you at the photo shoot?”

  “Oh, I guess you haven’t spoken to Sasha.”

  “Sasha? She actually did call a couple of times, but I told my secretary I would have to call her back. Why, is there a problem with Sasha?” T-Roc was fishing, and I was more than happy to deliver the bait.

  “She told me everything. That bitch had the audacity to think it was somehow cute the way you all set me up.”

  “Tyler, what are you talking about?”

  “Don’t patronize me. You planned for me to catch Ian in bed with those women. How dare you play God with my life?”

  “You don’t need Ian; he will never appreciate you. My cousin is just an overgrown kid. You deserve so much more than that, Tyler.”

  “I deserve what? Someone like you?”

  “Yes, I can make you happy. I will provide the success you crave so badly. Ian will never give you that. He’ll want you stuck in the house barefoot and pregnant. You have so much more to offer.”

  “I hate you. I hate you so much. You stomped all over my heart just so you could win and tear Ian and me apart.”

 
“Tyler, you don’t love Ian. He is a safe and sure thing for you. There is so much more out there. That’s all I wanted to show you. I see so much of myself in you, Tyler, and I want to expose you to the world. Is that so wrong?”

  “T-Roc, you don’t own me. I’m my own person and make my own decisions. I don’t want to be a part of the life you are creating for me.”

  “So what are you going to do? Go back to Ian? It will never work. He isn’t the man for you, Tyler.”

  “Neither are you.”

  “You say that now, but I guarantee you’ll be back. I’m the only person who will ever understand you and accept you for who you are.”

  I left T-Roc’s office feeling more confused than when I arrived. Although I hated T-Roc, he had an undeniable hold on me. He seemed to know every strength and weakness I had and how to play on it. Because of that, it made it that much harder to free myself emotionally from him. I opted to walk home instead of taking a cab, so I could use the time to reflect. Once I reached my apartment, the first thing I did was take a long hot shower. That had now become a ritual when I needed to wash away my pain. I put on Sade, had a glass of wine, and lay on the couch contemplating what I should do next. Over the music I heard what seemed to be a slight knock at the door. I took my phone off the hook so as not to be disturbed, and hoped it wasn’t T-Roc at my door. I peeped through the hole and to my pleasant but shocked surprise it was Ian. As soon as I opened the door, Ian wrapped his arms around my waist and lifted me off the floor.

  “What are you doing here?”

  “I figured if I kept waiting for you to come to Detroit, it would never happen.” As Ian put me down, he zoomed in to kiss me. I turned my face away because I hadn’t forgotten why I stayed away in the first place.

  “Baby, you still mad at me? What’s got you so vexed?” Ian had no idea that I had witnessed his threesome, and after my conversation with T-Roc I almost wanted to forget that it had ever happened. But I couldn’t. No matter what role T-Roc played, nobody forced Ian to fuck those two chicks.

  “Ian, a few weeks ago I went to a party and saw you dickin’ down two bitches,” I said point-blank.

  “What?” Ian was obviously stunned.

  “You heard me. Does Sasha McIntire ring a bell? You were at her penthouse in the Trump Tower, and you were fucking two model chicks named Brianna and Sierra.”

  “Tyler, I—”

  “Don’t bother trying to deny it, because I saw it with my own eyes.”

  “Baby, I’m so sorry. I know you must hate me.” Ian shook his head, still trying to digest what I had told him. “Baby, I’ll do anything to make it up to you. It was a mistake. I met them hos at T-Roc’s place. We were all heading to that chick Sasha’s party, and they hit me off with an E pill. That shit had me so open that by the time we got in that homegirl’s crib, they were all over me and I couldn’t resist. Baby, I had no idea you were going to be there. How do you know those chicks anyway?”

  “The ad campaign I did was for Sasha’s line; those girls are in the ad with me.”

  “What? Yo, I had no idea you even knew them.”

  “Ian, none of that matters. The point is, I can’t trust you. If you did it with them, then you’re probably doing it with mad other bitches.”

  “Baby, I swear I’m not. I was so out of it that night. My mind wasn’t working clearly. I wasn’t myself. Tyler, please don’t let some worthless tricks ruin what we have. We belong together; you know that.” Ian was now holding me, and he was wearing the cologne that I loved. I missed how safe I felt in his arms.

  “Ian, will you promise never to hurt me again? That pain was too overwhelming; I couldn’t go through that all over again.” Ian stroked my hair and kissed my forehead in that special “Baby, I love you way” that I craved more than anything.

  “Tyler, I promise I will never hurt you that way again. You’re my baby; I never want to cause you pain.”

  “You mean that?” I knew I was going to give my relationship with Ian another chance and decided that I was completely cutting off T-Roc. Going back and forth between them was unhealthy. Part of me wanted to be rid of both of them and start from scratch, but I loved Ian. I truly believed that in my heart.

  “I put that on my life. Baby, why don’t you come to Detroit and live with me? I know you love me, and I want to be with you all the time. There is nothing in New York for you; your life is with me.”

  “I don’t know, Ian. That’s such a big step.”

  “I tell you what; come for a few weeks and see how you like it. But I guarantee you I will make you so happy, you’ll beg me to stay.”

  “You’re that sure of yourself?”

  “Positive.” Before I could say another word, Ian silenced me with a kiss. He scooped me up, leading us to my bedroom. He slipped off my bathrobe as I wrapped my legs around his back. I rocked back and forth, feeling his arousal through his jeans. After a flurry of loving kisses Ian slid out of his clothes and laid me down on the bed. He lightly sprinkled kisses until my entire body shivered. Then he wrapped my legs around his shoulders, and his tongue entered me. It felt so good that my hands tightly gripped the bedsheets, but I couldn’t choke back my moans, yelps, or squeals.

  “Baby, I want you inside of me,” I said breathlessly.

  “Tyler,” he said in a serious voice. “Do you love me? Do you want to be with me for the rest of your life?”

  “Yes, I do; I love you so much.”

  “Then let’s make a baby. Will you do that for me?”

  “Yes, whatever you want. Just please make love to me right now.” With that Ian entered me, and I buried my face in his neck to get a faint smell of his cologne. With every thrust I felt our connection coming back to life. Maybe his home was where I belonged.

  When I woke up in the morning and Ian’s arms were still wrapped around my body, I knew this was where I belonged. Watching him sleep, I examined every tattoo and every defining muscle and saw how beautiful his caramel-colored skin was. I didn’t care what T-Roc said. Ian and I were meant to be together.

  “Baby, how long you been up?” Ian asked, still half-asleep.

  “Not that long.”

  “What time is it? I have to get back to Detroit today. You’re coming with me, right?”

  “No doubt; it’s ten fifteen.”

  “I’ma stop at the hotel, pick up my bag, and then come get you. Can you be ready by two?”

  “Definitely. Give me a kiss good-bye.”

  “I’ll see you in a few.” Ian threw on his clothes and headed out the door. Today was starting off to be a good day. Having Ian back once again made me feel complete. On my way to the kitchen I noticed my phone was still off the hook. No sooner had I put it back on the receiver than it started ringing from a private caller.

  “Hello.”

  “You turned off your cell and had your phone off the hook all night. Are you avoiding me?”

  “That’s a stupid question, especially since you know the answer to it.”

  “I understand that you’re angry with me, but don’t go back to Ian. Take some time for yourself and figure things out.”

  “It’s too late. Ian and I are back together, and I would appreciate it if you stay out of our relationship.”

  “When did you have time to reconcile with Ian?”

  “He flew in from Detroit and came over last night. We talked about everything except you. Which is exactly how I want to keep it. I’m going back to Detroit with him today, and I don’t want to speak to you anymore, T-Roc.”

  “You think you can erase me from your life that easily? Tyler, I control your mind more than you know. You’re making a mistake going back to Ian, but like you said, it’s your mistake to make. When you need someone to help you pick up the pieces, call me.”

  There was silence on the phone, and I realized T-Roc had hung up. What did he want from me? I knew he wasn’t in love with me, but he was determined to own my mind. Whatever it was, I prayed that he would let it go so Ian and I
could be happy together.

  “Baby, I should call my doctor and have him stop by. You’ve been sick for a week straight.”

  “I’ll be fine. I think I have a virus. It’s no big deal.”

  “Tyler, if you’re not better in a couple of days, my doctor is coming to see you. I’m serious.”

  “Ian, your concern is so cute. If I’m not better in a couple of days, we’ll call your doctor.”

  “I’m heading out to get something to eat with TJ; you want me to bring you something back?”

  “No, I’m good,” I replied. Ian kissed me on the forehead and walked out of the bedroom. I pulled the covers over my face, racking my brain trying to figure out how I was going to get myself out of this mess. I’d been in Detroit for two and a half weeks, sick. First, I assumed it was because my period was about to start. But then I backtracked and realized I was three weeks late. I began rationalizing out loud. “There is no doubt in my mind that I’m pregnant, but I have no idea who the father is. I didn’t use protection with T-Roc or Ian. If Ian discovers I’m pregnant, he will assume it’s his baby and want me to have it, unaware that it might be his cousin’s. I have no choice but to terminate this pregnancy immediately. But before I drive myself crazy, I need to be sure.”

  I dreaded getting out of the bed, but I had to go buy a home pregnancy test before Ian came back. As I drove to the store, a cloud of depression fell over me. When I was pregnant with Patrick’s baby, I knew I didn’t want his child. But the circumstances were different this time. If part of Ian was growing inside of me, then I would want to hold on to that. But there was no way I could take the chance that this baby was T-Roc’s. Not only would it destroy Ian, but T-Roc would probably end up destroying me. I ran into the store, purchased a pregnancy test, and sped home. When I pulled up, I was relieved not to see Ian’s car, but when I took out my keys to open the front door, to my dismay there he stood.