Dirty little secrets

by Deja King

  “Who’s Brian?” a serious voice asked, sounding exactly like Ian. The last time I’d heard his voice was when he came to see me at the Ritz-Carlton in Dearborn. After Ian knocked me unconscious, he had TJ take me to the emergency room. Of course, TJ told the nurses and doctor I’d had an accident, and when I finally woke up I backed his story. Although the nurses took it upon themselves to call the police because of the bruise on my face, I stuck to my story that the lights were off and I hit my head on the stairwell and tripped and fell. The officers didn’t seem convinced, but they couldn’t prove otherwise. Of course the doctor informed me I had lost the baby, which wasn’t a big surprise. I stayed in the hospital for a couple of days, and when I checked out, TJ picked me up.

  TJ drove me to the hotel, gave me a room key, and told me Ian would come see me later. When Ian arrived he could barely make eye contact with me. It was like going through my ordeal with Patrick all over again, but this time I didn’t kill the baby, Ian did. Out came that same envelope. This time there was no cash but a check.

  “Take this,” Ian said as he handed me the envelope.

  “What is this? I don’t want your money, Ian.” When I spoke those words, I meant it. “If this is hush money, you can take it back. I’ll never tell the police or tabloids what really happened,” I said solemnly. I considered myself responsible for Ian’s actions. No way would I bring him further humiliation by letting the world know he caused me to have a miscarriage because I didn’t know if he or his cousin was the father.

  “No, it isn’t hush money. I know you would never do that.”

  “Then what is it for?”

  “Because I can’t be with you anymore, Tyler; it would hurt too much. But the baby you were carrying could’ve been mine, and I was the cause of its death. That will fuck with me for the rest of my life.”

  “This money isn’t going to change that.”

  “Maybe not, but I’m hoping it will ease my conscience. The rent for your apartment is paid up for the rest of the year. This money will hold you over until you decide what you want to do.”

  “I don’t want it. This is guilt money, and the only one who should feel guilty is me. Ian, I’m so sorry, but you have to believe that I love you and I never wanted to be with T-Roc. After I caught you with those girls, my heart was broken and I felt alone. T-Roc was there to console me, although I eventually found out he set it up to work out that way. If you could only forgive me, I know we can make this work.” I walked toward Ian and put my arms out to hold and feel his embrace, but he motioned for me to stop.

  “Don’t.” Ian’s voice quavered. “I don’t know what will happen in the future, but right now there’s no way I can be with you, Tyler. The whole T-Roc situation is fucked up, but it doesn’t change the fact that you let my cousin inside what I thought belonged to me. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over that, but I do ask one thing of you.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Under no circumstances do I want you to go back to my cousin. This money should hold you over for a while, and if you do need something, call me. Don’t call him. If you ever truly gave a fuck about me, then do what I ask.”

  “I will do that. I promise I will never have anything to do with T-Roc again.” Ian turned around and walked out the door. I opened the envelope, and there was a one-way plane ticket to New York and a check for two hundred and fifty thousand dollars. Once again Ian was using his money to control my life, even if he wasn’t going to be in it. For a minute I considered how I could chill with this type of money and not worry financially, but then this was blood money. This check was a substitution for the unborn child Ian took away from me. I ripped the check into tiny pieces and flushed them down the toilet. That was the only way I could free myself from the guilt and pain of my sins. Now here it was six months later and Ian was on the phone, questioning me as if he had never left my life.

  “Brian is a friend of mine,” I answered, as if it was my duty.

  “Your friend, huh?”

  “Yeah.”

  “I was checking up on you because you never cashed the check. Are you maintaining financially, or is your friend handling that for you?”

  “I’m okay. I’ve been working a part-time job and going to school.”

  “Why didn’t you cash the check, Tyler?”

  “I didn’t want your money, that’s all, and honestly I don’t want to discuss it any further.”

  “Well, can we discuss us?” Ian said seriously.

  “What about us?”

  “Tyler, I was beyond pissed with you a few months ago, but every day when I wake up and before I go to sleep at night, you’re all I think about. I want to give us another try. I still love you.” Ian’s words were bittersweet. I questioned whether Ian ever loved me, but it didn’t matter because I now loved someone else. Brian had become so important to me. The first few weeks of us talking for hours and hours, I shared my private thoughts and experiences with him—things I had never shared with anyone. When we made love for the first time, we connected emotionally and physically and it was perfect. We clicked, and Brian was definitely somebody I wanted to share my life with.

  “Ian, I yearned to hear those words from you again, but it’s too late. The friend I spoke of is more than that. I love him. He understands me and he loves me too.”

  “Tyler, you couldn’t share the same love with him that we have.”

  “I don’t even know if what we shared was love. Maybe we fulfilled a void in each other’s lives—your need to control and my need to be controlled.”

  “No matter what you think, I do love you, and I want you back. If you believe this other guy can make you happy, then I won’t try to come between that. But, Tyler, if you ever need me, call me.”

  I stared at the phone after Ian hung up. He was supposed to be my Prince Charming, but he wasn’t after all.

  “Yo, Eddie Murphy was so funny back then,” I giggled, as Brian and I sat on my couch watching Raw.

  “Yeah, he was a funny cat. Now he’s white-bread all-American. He’s definitely not the same Eddie Murphy who came in this game starving and had us crying on Saturday Night Live.”

  “You ain’t never lied,” I hollered, agreeing with Brian.

  “Losing that hunger is what makes you lose your edge. You have to always go at something like it’s your first and could be your last.”

  “Is that how you should proceed in relationships too?”

  “Yes, if you believe you’ve found the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. Just like I think you might be the one, so I’m keeping you under my thumb.”

  “Oh, that’s why we spend so much time together? You want to make sure no one swoops me up.”

  “Something like that, but to be on the safe side I have an idea…. My lease is about to be up and your lease is about to be up; how about we get a crib together?”

  “I don’t know, Brian.”

  “What’s with all the hesitation? You don’t want to live with me?”

  “We’re having so much fun right now, and having a place of my own keeps the relationship sexy and unpredictable. We have plenty of time to move in with each other.” I did love Brian but I wasn’t in love, and living together would just complicate things. I was also feeling that whole Destiny’s Child “Independent Women” theme.

  “I think that’s a mistake, but if that’s how you want it, then so be it.” Brian’s statement and delivery were a tad hostile, but I dismissed it and we continued to watch Raw.

  “I can’t believe you managed to meet me for lunch. Every since you started dating Brian, you never have time for me.”

  “I’m sorry, Chrissie, but you know I love ya, baby.” We were having a late lunch at our favorite spot, Da Silvano.

  “Whatever…I hope you’re not here to break news of a baby and horse-and-carriage thing.”

  “No, not yet. Brian actually suggested we move in together, but I think it’s too soon. But I do have to move. My lease is about
to expire, and I definitely can’t afford the rent.”

  “Why not ask Brian?”

  “Brian is different from the other guys I’ve dated. I want to show him that I can be independent and stand on my own two feet. If I can do that, then I can earn his respect.”

  “Oh, brother… you’ve really fallen hard for this guy. I hope he’s worth it, Tyler, because you’re about to do a lot of struggling.”

  “Tell me about it. I don’t want a roommate, and I can’t possibly afford a place in Manhattan, so I think I’m going to have to take it to the boroughs.”

  “What! You can’t be serious.”

  “I have no choice.”

  “No. You do have a choice. You could always call Ian.”

  “I’m not going to do that. I’m committed to Brian. And I was considering moving to Brooklyn. That’s where he’s from.”

  “Now you wanna be one of Brooklyn’s finest. Where is my friend Tyler? What has happened to her? Excuse me for a minute; I have to go to the ladies’ room.” As Chrissie walked off, I thought about what she was saying. My lifestyle would change a lot; but I wanted a real relationship, not one that was dictated by money. It was important for Brian to understand that I wanted him for him and not because of who he was or how much money he had. This was my way of doing that.

  When Chrissie sat down, I noticed white powder under her nose. “You’re not still fucking with that shit?”

  “I had stopped—” Chrissie took a deep breath ”—but after your confession of this new nightmarish life, I had to medicate myself.”

  “I’m serious, Chrissie; you need to leave that crap alone.”

  “It’s not that big a deal. I’m a social user. What about you and those pills you used to take?”

  “I’m through with all that. Ever since I’ve been with Brian, I haven’t felt any sort of depression. My dolls are a thing of the past,” I assured her.

  A friend of Ella’s knew a couple who lived in the Park Slope area of Brooklyn. They’d had a baby and needed a bigger place, so they were subletting their apartment. Brian went with me to take a look at the place and make sure it was okay. The neighborhood had tree-lined sidewalks, but the flat was a walk-up, and it was smaller than my apartment in the city. Let’s just say I wasn’t excited about moving in, because it definitely wasn’t Sixty-sixth Street and Central Park West. But the price was in my range, and the unit was available. Brian gave his stamp of approval, so it was a go. As Chrissie put it, I began the process of being one of Brooklyn’s finest. Some people would have considered it a nice apartment, but I was from Georgia, where I’d always lived in beautiful homes in pretty neighborhoods. I had been struggling in the city, and now here I was in Brooklyn. I definitely wasn’t feeling pretty in pink.

  After settling me into my new place, Brian had to go to Miami to work with Busta Rhymes for a few weeks. He asked me to come, and though school and work were hectic, I somehow managed to get a few days off. I looked forward to spending time with Brian in a different place and getting some sun. After taking the trip to Miami, though, I had to reevaluate if Brian was really “the one.” There are certain traits I believe a man should have, and Brian hadn’t developed them yet.

  When I arrived in Miami, Brian was at the gate waiting. I had an obviously nasty attitude, so he asked, “What’s up? What’s wrong?”

  “Brian, why did you make me fly coach?”

  “Excuse me?” Brian snorted as if he didn’t hear me correctly.

  “I’m a little—no, a lot—bothered that you had me fly coach instead of first class.”

  “Come on, let’s go.” Brian said, ignoring my complaint.

  I thought Brian had been in the game long enough that he could afford to put me in a first-class seat. So I was furious that I had had to fly coach. A limousine was waiting for us outside, which added to my fury.

  “You have a limousine waiting for us, so you could have put me in first class. Don’t half-ass it.” I could tell by the way Brian was looking at me he thought I was an obnoxious snob. I wasn’t a snob, but when you like something you just like it.

  When we arrived on Ocean Drive, my eyes immediately became fixated on the tall, elegant, art deco hotel, the Tides. I was thrilled when I realized we were staying there. When we got to the hotel room and Brian opened the door, I could see the interior was luxurious and spacious. The oceanfront room was decorated in soft tones of beige, white, taupe, and sand. The serenity of the room put me in a romantic mood, and I was no longer agitated with Brian.

  We were spending time luxuriating on the beach and dining at the best restaurants, but eventually I became a little annoyed. We weren’t doing any shopping! I was sitting in the studio with Brian all night, and I became bored with the whole trip. The only purchase Brian made was some Rollerblades for himself. I thought, Okay, I’m in Miami and you fly me here in coach, and we’re not going shopping? This is not looking good.

  My biggest pet peeve was a cheap man. Every man I had dated knew that women love gifts. Believing a man should want to pamper his woman with tokens of affection goes back to when I was a little girl, when my real daddy would take Ella and me shopping and would include my friends because he loved to see the smile it would bring to our faces. I had little room for compromise in that belief. But right before it was about to be curtain time, Brian played his trump card.

  On the third night in the Tides I can honestly say that I made love for the very first time. Coming back from a late dinner I was feeling exhausted. I took a long hot shower to relax myself and get ready for bed. After drying off and lathering my body with lotion, I felt the bed was calling for me. Brian was already in bed watching a movie. The sky was clear and the moonlight and stars were shining through the windows. It was the type of night when fools fall in love.

  The crisp sheets felt so good under my naked warm body. Brian turned off the TV, and the moment I closed my eyes his hands gently spread my legs apart and his warm tongue entered me. Brian was licking me with elegant strokes. My past boyfriends had tried to gratify me this way, but none made me fall into an abyss of pleasure as Brian had.

  “Baby, nobody has ever made me feel this way. I don’t want you to ever stop.” I said, in heavenly bliss. Brian’s oral pleasuring gave me a full-flush orgasm. I could feel the powerful gushing of come leave my body. Without so much as a pause, Brian kissed my stomach and tickled his tongue in my belly button. He did it just long enough to give me the right effect. With his hands he caressed my breasts, and I just luxuriated with my eyes still closed, not wanting this to end. As though he was reading my mind, his hardness entered me at the exact moment my body was calling for him. I wrapped my legs around his neck so he could go as deep as possible. His strong arms were pressing down on the bed holding me up as I was clinching his back, and my breasts were pressed against his chest.

  I never wanted to let Brian go. I couldn’t hold him tight enough. With every stroke, a part of my soul became his, until finally it happened. This explosion of ecstasy overcame my body again. For the first time in my life, I was having my second orgasm in less than an hour. At first I couldn’t quite grasp what was happening, because this was a wake-up call. I understood that I had never had an orgasm. All my other sexual experiences, where I just knew I was getting mine, were a mirage.

  “Brian, you have sent me to heaven. This is the most unbelievable feeling I’ve ever had.” I realized then that every other sexual experience I’d had was nothing and meant nothing. During the orgasm my eyes had rolled to the back of my head. I had screamed so loud that I startled Brian.

  “You meant that?” Brian asked.

  “I’m a hundred and fifty percent positive. Out of all our love-making sessions this was the first time you ever made me feel this level of pleasure…. Baby, I want to marry you,” I said laughing. I wasn’t actually ready to marry Brian, but his lovemaking skills made him the number one contender.

  When I got back from Miami, I called Ella to tell her about Brian.
/>   “Hi, Ella.”

  “Hi, Tyler. I called you a few times but you weren’t home, and you didn’t pick up your cell either. Where have you been?”

  “I went to Miami.”

  “Lucky you! Who did you go to Miami with?”

  “I didn’t want to tell you until I was a little surer the relationship would work, but I met someone. I’ve been seeing him for a few months now, and I really like him.”

  “What’s his name?”

  “Brian McCall. He’s a music producer, but he’s different from the rest of the industry guys I’ve dealt with.”

  “Please tell me that he isn’t abusive.”

  “Not at all; he’s as sweet as a lamb. He doesn’t even yell. He’s incredible, Ella. I can’t wait for you to meet him.”

  “Wow, this must be serious. I’m just relieved that he’s not a mental or physical abuser like your previous men. This is great, Tyler, but don’t rush it—take your time and get to know him. If it’s meant to be, it’ll work out.”

  “Thanks for the advice, Ella. You’re the best.”

  For that brief time I forgot I had flown to Miami in coach or that he hadn’t bought me a damn thing. Contemplating a short-lived relationship was out the window. All material gain seemed pointless. All I longed for was that internal calm that enveloped my body.

  I hopped on the train, rushing to meet Chrissie in the city. I loathed the commute from Brooklyn to Manhattan, but nothing in life is perfect. I didn’t want to be late, because Chrissie said this meeting was extremely important. In Chrissie’s last year at NYU she got an internship at a high-profile publicity company. They hired her full-time after she graduated, and she met all sorts of celebrities. Now she’d met a celebrity mother who was launching her own styling company and wanted to bring her on board. Chrissie in turn thought it would be a great opportunity for me, and we were meeting the woman to discuss a potential position for me.

  When I reached the office building on Twenty-fifth and Park, I took the elevator straight up to the fourteenth floor. The doors opened directly to office space in a huge loft. The layout was still in the beginning stages, but the color schemes were in place and everything was black, silver, and white.