PWNED: A Gamers Novel

by Matt Vancil

  “Titans are not part of this dungeon,” said Bandaid. “They never have been.”

  “Neither’s the lightning wall,” said Mansex. “Design overcompensated. No wonder no one’s gotten through.”

  “Don’t want to sound pessimistic, but this is bad,” said Yanker. “The door opens in half an hour. We miss it, we have to wait another month.”

  “And find a new Moonchart,” added Bandaid.

  “No way,” said Noob. “I won’t survive another month of this.” He scanned the temple from the ridge.

  The way in looked hopeless. A third raid had shown up, and the golems were busy smashing them to death. Noob looked at the mountain the temple was built into, and noticed a balcony high off the ground. On the balcony there, a patch of black pulsed in a doorway.

  Noob whipped out his spyglass and checked. “There’s a black circle up there.”

  Yanker looked where Noob indicated. “That’s the dungeon’s exit. Where you come out after you kill the end boss.”

  “It’s out of reach,” said Mansex. “Way too high. Believe me, people have tried. They make it like that so no one can get in through the back door.”

  “But that’s what it is? A back door?”

  Mansex nodded. Noob grinned. Mansex frowed. “What?”

  “Those titans,” said Noob. “They’re punters.”

  The guild exchanged looks. The Truth got it. His shoulders shook with silent laughter.

  While golems chased down raiders below, Noob led Yanker along the knife’s edge of a ridge until she had a clear line of sight into the temple. “Do you see them?”

  “Yep,” she said, looking through his spyglass. “Ten. No, twelve. Level 200. Yeesh. I’ve never tried kiting anything that big before.”

  “Do you think it’ll work?”

  “Only one way to find out.” She drew a long-range arrow to her ear and let fly. Her shot vanished into the temple.

  “Well? You get him?”

  An enraged roar echoed out of the dungeon. “That’s a yes. Look out, he’s pissed.”

  The ground shook with each footstep as the titan thundered out of the entrance. It stormed up the ridge in three strides and would have squashed them if Mansex hadn’t hit it with an ice bolt. That cut its speed in half—which only made it twice as fast as everyone else.

  “Keep it here!” yelled Yanker, pumping arrow after arrow into the giant. “Don’t break aggro!”

  Noob positioned himself with his back to the balcony in the distance. “Bubble me, Bandy!” The priest cast her shield spell on Noob right as Yanker backpedaled past him, firing up into the titan’s knees.

  “Now!” yelled Yanker.

  Noob backstabbed the titan—well, ankle-stabbed him. The effect was the same. The bot’s algorithms calculated the damage it had taken per player per second, identified Noob as the biggest threat, and whirled on him.

  “Kick me again, you overgrown pituitary case!” Noob yelled up at him. “Kick me! Kick me!”

  The titan obliged. The kick shattered Bandaid’s shield and knocked Noob’s hit points into single digits. Bandaid managed to tag him with a flash heal as he rocketed towards the mountain. He hoped it would be enough. If not, there’d be a Noob-colored stain somewhere in the vicinity of the balcony.

  Noob hung in midair for a second at the peak of his arc before plummeting down towards the mountainside. He slammed into the stone wall above the balcony, dropping his hit points back to singles. Reid activated Slowfall, and Noob slid down and flopped onto the balcony.

  He leapt to his feet in a celebratory dance. “Made it!”

  “Woot!” yelled Yanker. “Sky punt for the win!”

  “That was some crazy-ass Chuck Norris kind of awesome!” said Mansex. “Hang on, teeping to your location.”

  The guild appeared in a flash before Noob and burst into applause and dance.

  “You,” said Yanker, throwing an arm over his shoulder. “Are so misnamed. That was legend, that was.”

  “Well,” said Noob, “I had a good teacher.” He made an “after you” gesture towards the black circle, and stepped through the back door of the dungeon.

  10

  The First God’s Tomb

  TIP: There is no moon level.

  The guild found itself at the end of a short stone hallway. Tapestries of constellations hung from the walls: a jester in motley; a noble queen; a magnificent sword; a monstrous dragon; two lovers entwined.

  Bandaid glanced up at the tapestries. “I have no memory of these.”

  “They’re not part of the dungeon,” said Mansex. “Must be deco for the Moonchart event.”

  “Focus,” said Yanker. “Keep on the goal. Let’s not get distracted. If they put titans at the entrance, they’ve probably increased the difficulty back here as well.”

  A grotesque scream came from around the corner. Mansex perked up at it. “Well. At least they haven’t changed that.”

  The Truth took point and led them around the corner. Through a vaulted archway in the antechamber beyond, they could see a malformed blue giant trapped in a glass tank. Wires and tubes stuck out of its back. It screamed and pounded against the glass. The dwarf mad scientists studying the giant and the golem guardians paid no mind—they were well out of aggro range.

  “That,” said Yanker, “is the final boss of Ord-Anmuhr. We would’ve had to fight our way past him if we’d gone in through the front. It’s pretty cool—he kicks his way out of the tank when you pull aggro and starts whomping arse and it’s just utter chaos.”

  “Yeah, not really gonna miss fighting his blue bulbous ass.” Mansex waved at the giant. “Kill ya later, dude.”

  The giant screamed and pounded.

  “What’s that?” said Mansex. “Why of course you can kiss my rosy elfin patootie!” He shook her posterior at the giant. It screamed again.

  Yanker sighed. “Please don’t taunt the hyper-elite mega-boss. Got time for a quick bio break?”

  “My hunger is great,” said Bandaid. “I shall procure myself a sandwich.” She and Yanker went inert.

  “And I shall dance.” Mansex shucked and jived. The giant screamed.

  Noob averted his eyes. “For the love of all that is good and holy, please stop dancing.”

  “Never!” said Mansex. “Thrill to my sexy!”

  Noob was looking away, so he heard rather than saw the golems rumble around the corner. Noob spun around, daggers in hand, as the first golem punched Mansex across the face and knocked her against the far wall.

  “Patrol!” yelled Mansex, no longer dancing. “Help!”

  The Truth slid in front of Mansex and caught the golem’s punch square on his shield. The other two swarmed and pounded on Yanker and Bandaid, who just stood there, motionless, shedding hit points and shaking with damage animations.

  Noob hurled a smoke bomb to distract the golems and broke a vial of thundershock over his blade, and leapt to defend his friends—

  And the world froze, and went dark.

  Reid’s screen blacked out. He yelped and slapped the computer. “Hello?” His headset had gone dead—no sound from the game. This couldn’t be happening. “Hey! Guys!”

  The screen kicked to his desktop, where an instant message was waiting for him in his chat program. He mentally slapped himself—Why didn’t I quit that?—and moused over to shut the window.

  RedStar89: Are you there?

  Reid just started at the message, trying to place the name.

  RedStar89: Boo-Bear?

  RedStar89: Hello?

  Reid pounced on his keyboard, typed back:

  CheeZeus: I’m here! Are you okay?

  RedStar89: I really miss you.

  He sat there, staring at the message. She missed him.

  I should feel relieved, he told himself. I should be whooping and hollering and forgetting about everything else. Must be tired. Nothing else should matter right now—not work, not the game…

  Reid blinked. Oh, sh
it. The game. He typed:

  CheeZeus: I’m with friends, one sec.

  And clicked on the Fartherall Online tab.

  * * *

  Chaos.

  Mansex and Yanker lying dead on the floor. The Truth landed a deathblow on a golem and it exploded in a shower of stone.

  The other two golems flanked The Truth and pummeled him with massive stone fists. The Truth couldn’t move his shield fast enough to block both. His health dropped. Bandaid pumped heal after heal into him, but her mana was running low.

  Noob just stood there. Someone was yelling in his ear. Yanker. “—you there? Noob, help us—!

  Noob snapped to and hurled a knife into the nearest golem’s back.

  It turned and charged him. The screen froze again—

  —and kicked Reid back to his desktop, to another message from Astrid.

  RedStar89: I’m still pretty mad at you.

  Reid fought down the urge to type the first six things that came to mind. Instead, he replied—

  CheeZeus: I know how you feel.

  —and clicked back to the game.

  On screen, Reid saw Noob lying dead in the dungeon hallway beneath a message: You have died. “Oh, that’s fair.”

  RedStar89: Are you even there?

  Fear gnawed a hole in Reid’s stomach. No need to rush back now, not with the guild dead. Either Bandaid had lived, or she hadn’t. If she was dead, that was it for them—they’d have to rez outside the dungeon, and they’d miss their window for the Moonchart Door.

  And why the hell am I thinking about the game? Astrid is right here! He curled over his keyboard.

  CheeZeus: Always. Always here. Are you okay? I miss you terribly.

  RedStar89: Just REALLY frustrated right now.

  CheeZeus: I still know how you feel.

  RedStar89: Seriously doubt that.

  He checked back in the game. No column of light. Bandaid must be dead. That was it, then.

  It was his fault. There was no way a trio—even a level pumped one—should have taken out their five, not if Noob had been there pouring DPS into the patrol instead of pulling a mannequin.

  Now he had to explain that he cost them their once-in-a-month shot at the Godsword because his girlfriend chose that exact moment to reinitiate contact. That’ll go over well.

  What would he tell them if she came home? They’d understand if he didn’t want to keep playing, right? Of course they would. He’d been up front about that. He had only ever been playing to get Astrid back.

  He set his jaw and typed:

  CheeZeus: So I started playing Fartherall Online. I’m going to get the Godsword.

  RedStar89: Come again?

  Reid panicked.

  CheeZeus: And when I get it, I’m giving it to you. If you come home.

  So much for guild solidarity. They’d understand. He told them at the beginning why he needed the damn thing. What difference would it make if he gave it directly to her instead of the Admin?

  RedStar89: What is it with you guys? The Godsword is impossible.

  CheeZeus: If I get it for you, will you come home?

  RedStar89: You can’t even get in the fucking dungeon.

  CheeZeus: No, you have to kite one of the titans out and get him to punt you to the balcony.

  CheeZeus: Will you PLEASE come home?

  He waited for a response. None came.

  CheeZeus: Astrid? You still there?

  CheeZeus: Hello? I’m on GroupSpeak line 6546419 if you want to chat. My guild’s cool, they’re nice.

  CheeZeus: Most of them.

  CheeZeus: I joined a guild by the way.

  Still no response. She might have gone.

  “Oh, shi—” Reid realized what he’d forgotten to ask her.

  CheeZeus: WHAT IS YOUR CHARACTER’S NAME?

  No response. Reid strangled the air and clicked back on the game tab.

  “—couldn’t I talk to you? You went dead and disappeared!” Yanker was yelling through the Underworld.

  “I’m here,” he said. “I didn’t go anywhere.” A column of light shone down over Mansex, and she vanished.

  “We almost wiped! If Bandaid had died, there’d be no one to rez us!” So Bandaid had made it. That was good. “We’d have missed the Moon Door.”

  “Yeah.”

  “What happened to you? You just disappeared. You were there, and then you were just gone.”

  “Sorry,” said Noob. “Computer froze.”

  “It scared me.”

  “Me, too. We almost lost our shot at the Sword.”

  “I’m not talking about the Sword! I mean, I am, it’s just not what I was…” She looked away.

  “Then what… ?” Noob studied her face.

  The column of light shone down over Yanker. Her azure skin lit up in a million tiny rainbows. She regarded Noob quietly.

  “It’s Jodie,” she said, her voice barely a whisper. “My name is Jodie.”

  The rest came out in a rush. “I live in Noosa Heads. It’s a tourist town about a hundred and forty k’s from Brisbane.”

  “Yanker—” Noob caught himself. “Jodie. The others—”

  “I took them off the line. Don’t know how far that is in miles, sorry. I work nights at a resort front desk and I sell things on eBay. It’s not much of a living. But it lets me spend my days in here, where I do have a life. Friends. My guild. And you.”

  Over his headset, Reid heard wine being poured, the foot of a wineglass scraping a desk. She took a sip.

  “Please don’t disappear again.” Yanker looked up into the light. “Okay, Bandy.” She vanished. The mists of the Underworld filled in the gap where she’d been standing.

  “Jodie.” Reid tried out her name. He liked the way it felt. He pictured a woman in a clerk’s outfit, putting on a smile to greet guests, counting down the hours until she could escape her life, throw her uniform in a corner, and come home. His heart ached.

  The column of light shone down on him. “It is not yet your time,” said the Reaper. “Return to the world, and live again.”

  Noob rose from column of light in the hallway where he’d died.

  Yanker helped him to his feet. “Welcome back.” For a fleeting moment Reid wished she’d kept the rest of the guild off the line.

  Shattered stone bodies lay scattered around The Truth, who had seated himself and was eating a steak, somehow without removing his helmet. Noob took in the bits of golem all about. “You did all this?”

  The Truth nodded.

  “It was the most amazing feat of strength,” said Bandaid. She chugged ambrosia to regain her mana. “I had exhausted my mana, yet he slew the final guardian without any healing, without any help. It’s a Goddamn miracle. Gods. I meant gods.”

  Mansex could only shake his head. “Truth? You’re the fucking man, man. Chuck would be proud.”

  The Truth nodded again.

  A light began to shimmer between the tapestries of the dragon and the lovers. They watched it blossom, invert in on itself, and collapse into a black circle: an instance, destination unknown.

  “The Moon Door,” said Bandaid with reverence.

  Yanker let out a long breath. “Seven seconds, people.”

  stepped through the instance and vanished.

  11

  Godsword

  TIP: Interested in joining the team? Visit www.boyhowdy.com/careers to see open positions!

  A cyclopean step pyramid filled Reid’s screen. Above the loading bar, the name of the dungeon floated in a starry sky—The First God’s Tomb. The heavens were enormous, the stars almost close enough to touch. Reid traced the constellation of the dragon with his finger.

  The loading bar filled.

  The portal spat the guild out onto a barren gray landscape. Behind them, the black circle shrunk to a pinprick and vanished.

  “Where are we?” Noob wondered aloud.

  Dusty gray craters stretched out as far as they could see. Not a speck of life was visibl
e anywhere. The stars above were the size of gems and painfully bright.

  The Truth pointed. Up, above them, Fartherall—the game’s planet—floated in the sea of stars.

  “The Moon,” said Noob. “Cooooool.”

  “So it is true,” said Yanker. “The moon is a zone! Those guys from beta weren’t kidding.”

  “Moonchart, Moon Door…” said Bandaid. “I suppose we should have put it together.”

  “Not to point out the obvious, but shouldn’t we all be dying?” asked Noob.

  “At the very least, we shouldn’t be able to hear each other,” said Mansex. “And we’d have frozen before we asphyxiated. I’m kind of disappointed. It’s ruining my immersion.”

  “Really?” asked Reid. “This broke your suspension of disbelief? A world without toilets or permanent death, but a habitable moon, that crosses the line?”

  “Would it be alright with everyone,” asked Bandaid, “if I did the rest of this dungeon out of character? Just to save time?” The guild enthusiastically assented.

  “Thanks,” said Bandaid. “That view is fucking rad.”

  Noob walked over to Yanker to get a better view of the planet.

  “We’re on the moon,” she said.

  “Watch out. I hear the first step’s a doozy.”

  They all just stood there for a moment, appreciating the CG cosmos. “You’re all my good friends,” said Yanker. “Thank you for being here with me.” Bandaid hugged her.

  “Whatever,” said Mansex, throwing herself onto the hug. “Hey, you know why the moon’s in space?”

  “Is it because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris?” said Noob. Mansex glared at him. “What? That’s what you were going to say, wasn’t it?”

  “No,” said Mansex. “Not now.”

  The Truth tapped his wrist. Tick tock.

  “Right,” said Yanker. “Work first. Let’s get going.”