Unwanted

by Jay Stringer

  My research found that 47 percent of men and women did not have someone they could talk to when something difficult happened in their childhood. It is not that these children did not have parents; it is that children discern whether or not they can feel safe bringing the difficulties of life to their parents. Think about it like this: If you are bullied at school, why share this with your family when they’ve consistently avoided offering genuine empathy in your own home? If your parents are far more interested in their careers, whom do you talk to when a neighbor, an older student, or an uncle begins to sexually abuse you? And when you find yourself curious about sex, how much of a fool would you need to be to bring these questions to your parents when you intuitively know you will be silenced or make your parents incredibly uncomfortable?

  In their book Rising to Power, Ron Carucci and Eric Hansen made a fascinating observation: The abdication of power does more damage in an organization than coercive leadership. Leaders certainly wreck organizations when they are forceful, but they are most destructive when they fail to fully own the power of their positions.[42] The same is true for parents who abdicate their power in the lives of their children. Respondents in my research reported considerable disengagement from their parents. One of the most glaring areas in which parents were remiss was in talking to their children about sex.

  There is an unspoken rule in many homes and churches that sex is not to be talked about unless the conversation serves to put the fear of God in children about their participation in sex before marriage. Talking about sex solely in the context of prohibition, however, sets a child up for madness. A child needs to hear sex talked about in a way that honors the natural, God-given changes and desires that will accompany them from childhood to adulthood. An overemphasis on negative instruction about sex has the capacity to lead a child to associate sex with silence and shame. By the time the child reaches adulthood, this association becomes ingrained and continues to operate.

  Parents Are Either Silent or Inadequate

  In my research study, men and women who struggled with unwanted sexual behavior had parents who were either silent or unhelpful about conversations related to sex.

  Parents who did not engage with their children in conversations about sex may not have done so for a variety of reasons. Sadly, they allowed the most vulnerable and beautiful dimension of their children’s lives to be shaped by the media, the porn industry, or porn-saturated peers. When your parents abdicated their power to frame healthy and normative sex education for you, they were, intentionally or not, creating a world of silence and intrigue. Where parents and faith communities will not educate, pornography will.

  Madison lived in the shadow of her sister’s athleticism. When Madison was ten, she was kicking a soccer ball around with her father. Moments into playing, she became mesmerized by the beauty of a hawk’s flight above. Her father grew irritated and angry. The next time she looked up, he blasted the ball as high as he could toward the hawk. He walked away and said to Madison, “Your sister is an athlete. Sports just aren’t your thing, so enjoy your freaking birds. I really hope it gets you somewhere in life.” Madison found herself longing to be a hawk that could soar high above her father’s petty rage. She attempted to tell her mom about her father’s cruelty later that afternoon, but the response was impervious: “Your dad is just trying to encourage you. You don’t need to make it seem as if he is a monster.”

  From that day forward, Madison and her father avoided real emotional engagement with one another. The family basement was devoted to her father’s collegiate accomplishments and her sister’s growing collection of athletic awards. Madison felt abandoned by both her parents. She remembered the horror and confusion of having her first menstrual cycle and having no idea what was happening to her body. She was crying when she brought the news to her mom, only to have her reply, “Madison, stop being so dramatic. You will be fine. You are a woman now. I’ll get you a pad.”

  As Madison’s childhood continued, she found there was far more life to be found walking through the woods and looking under rocks for salamanders at the creek. She would go on to earn a PhD in biology, but no one from her family attended the graduation. Seeing her classmates surrounded by their families filled her with tremendous heartache. Her family chose her sister’s NCAA tournament game instead. Madison felt sick walking back to her car and threw her diploma into the back seat. She wept at how lonely and unwanted she felt. She waited more than a week to hear from her father. It was a short conversation that ended with her father reminding her of how he knew athletics were not her thing. He closed the conversation by saying, “Aren’t you glad I told you to enjoy the birds? You made something of yourself. You should be proud.”

  Three years into her career, Madison was depressed and found herself caught in a web of sexual struggles. At our first appointment, I asked Madison to tell me about herself. She said, “Who am I? I am a worthless woman who is addicted to porn. I’ve never been able to connect with anyone my whole life, and my whole career field just makes me the oddball anywhere I go. I hate myself for everything I am not. I’ve started using hookup apps when I am drunk, and I’m putting myself in situations I swore I would never be in. It just reinforces that no one wants anything to do with me except to use me. Now I am a damaged scientist. Who would ever want me?”

  Madison was not a worthless woman because she viewed pornography or used hookup apps. Rather, she felt worthless and therefore was drawn to pornography, a behavior that, for her, would confirm this belief. She knew that her inferior athleticism would lead to a growing distance from her dad because she could not reflect the image her father wanted in a daughter. Her natural, beautiful curiosity for discovery was seen as something second class. Madison’s life shows us something profound: When we condemn our God-given desire to be loved and accepted, we should be on high alert for the ways we will trash this longing through shameful behavior.

  Tom began looking at pornography in a very conservative and emotionally distant evangelical home. His pornography of choice was women on their knees engaging in oral sex. He imagined himself standing there as the male actor in the film. In his fantasy, he was a desirable and powerful man, able to influence a woman to acquiesce before him. He worked with a therapist for pornography addiction recovery for more than a year. Tom was encouraged to buy software to block porn and was told his pornography struggle was likely his lustful attempt to look for love in the wrong place. None of the particulars associated with his pornography searches were explored.

  For far too many like Tom, this is the extent to which their struggles will be engaged. This is a tragedy. When pornography is addressed only through the lens of lust, when the stories that set up pornography use are evaded, an anemic treatment plan will follow. Sexual cessation will be prescribed, encouragement to tell his or her spouse will be given, and the client will be asked to join an accountability group.

  Pornography searches expose lust, but far more they reveal the dimensions of our lives that await love. In my work with Tom, he began to name the desire for women to be subservient to him. His fantasies had begun with Sports Illustrated swimsuit models and escalated to the need to see women be increasingly violated in their subservience.

  In naming the truth of his searches, his curiosity increased. Tom was thirteen when his parents got divorced, largely due to his father’s failed business endeavors. The family experienced consistent financial anxiety, leading to intense conflict in his parents’ marriage. His mother was wrecked by the divorce, and sensing her plight, Tom concluded that he needed to be the man of the house.

  Tom heard sermons from his church organizations that encouraged him to be a strong leader, to be a godly man, and to put God first above all things. He aspired to this, but in his quieter, human moments, he felt burdened under this enormous weight. He said to me, “I felt so much pressure. I needed to be really caring for my mom because my dad left us, be a godly example for my siblings, lead my peers to the Lord, do well in sch
ool to get a scholarship, and somehow, on top of all that, serve God alone. I was angry at how much was expected of me.”

  It was during this time that Tom was first introduced to pornography. With each passing month, Tom’s pornography use escalated. He eventually found a video that pierced him: a young college student giving oral sex. Tom would later remark, “With porn, I am served. In real life, it’s as if I am the one on my knees, subservient to what everyone is requiring of me. I got tired of being the only one who has to sacrifice his life. When my dad left my mom, no one asked me how I was doing. They just told me I needed to be there for my mom and siblings. I am recognizing what I am searching for—even in a woman’s body type—is someone smaller, with fewer needs than I have.”

  As Tom named the abandonment of his dad and faith communities, he had to choose what sort of life he was going to make for himself. He knew the patterns of abandonment all too well and found himself recreating these themes throughout his present life. The dilemma was that pornography use would persist until Tom would choose to bring his needs and emotions to the crucible of the present. Therapy invited him to see what it would mean to bring his anger to reality—toward the people and themes that contributed to his exile—rather than to the world of pornography.

  Anger within our abandonment is important because it alerts us to the reality that something around or within us is not as it should be. Tom’s anger was trying to get his attention and tell him that serving the needs of others at the cost of his own was not sustainable. He learned to say no to requests that he knew would only further exhaust him. He also learned to ask others for what he needed and encouraged them to do the difficult work of transformation rather than venting to him about their problems. The more he brought the fullness of his needs and anger to the present, the less pornography appealed to him.

  The Data of Sexual Brokenness

  Abandonment, such as what Madison and Tom suffered, leads to a tendency to develop a calloused outlook on life. You may act out sexually, but you think, It really doesn’t matter to anyone. You may be in a difficult marriage, but you know you chose a partner you didn’t have high hopes for to begin with. Abandonment is dangerous because it tempts us to lose faith (or never find it) in the most foundational levels of what it means to be human: individual maturity and a loving bond with others.

  The type of sexual behavior we pursue is a direct reflection of how highly or poorly we think of ourselves. When abandoned, we are convinced that we were left because of the deep flaws that exist within us. This shame-based identity is then woven into all our choices and eventually becomes the lens through which we see our lives. Our careers, spouses or lack thereof, and sexual behavior all become additional data that reinforces how troubled we are.

  I have come to understand that people make bad decisions not because of the potential for pleasure but to add additional evidence to their self-judgment. Healing involves making conscious decisions about the data of sexual brokenness in one’s life. Your behavior can be an invitation to become an adult and heal the pain driving your decisions, or it will inevitably be irrefutable evidence that proves how pathetic you have become. To write a new sexual story for yourself, something must shift in your commitment to hiding the anxiety, shame, and anger in your life.

  FOR REFLECTION:

  If you experienced abandonment, at what age did this get solidified? What was going on in your life or family at the time?

  What do you think your parent(s) wanted you to feel in leaving you? See the scene(s), allowing yourself to experience any emotion that might be present.

  Can you recall a time when you pursued unwanted sexual behavior when you were feeling estranged from others? What were the circumstances?

  [42] Ron A. Carucci and Eric C. Hansen, “Executive Power: Perversions, Abuses, and the Greater Good,” chap. 5 in Rising to Power: The Journey of Exceptional Executives (Austin, TX: Greenleaf, 2014).

  CHAPTER FIVE

  TRIANGULATION

  When You’re Married to Your Parent

  ALEX ENTERED THERAPY BECAUSE he had a difficult time sustaining connection with women, which he cited as one of his primary reasons for persistent pornography use. Alex remarked, “Porn is way easier. There is nothing required of me. It’s the one place where I can get pleasure without any requirements.” I asked him if he had any sense of why connecting with women was so difficult and how long this difficulty had existed in his life. He responded by telling me about a television show he watched where a proclaimed dog whisperer was working with a dog that seemed to hate human connection and instead preferred to be left alone. The trainer, like a good therapist, asked the owner about the dog’s past. The owner told him that the dog came from a home with small kids where the animal was consistently overstimulated with hugs and invasive petting. The trainer summed it up by saying that the dog had experienced “too much uncomfortable comfort.”

  My client deeply identified with this dog and spoke about his mother’s need for significant physical and emotional contact. Alex’s mother requested hugs when she felt depressed or needed a pick-me-up on long days. The worst part of all was how invaded he felt by his mom when it came to his dating life. She wanted to know the details of his physical intimacy and how he was managing his lust. “It felt as if we were playing a game. She always wanted to know what was going on with my heart, and when I didn’t tell her all the details, she would make me bear her depression. When I finally decided I wasn’t going to tell her anything again, it was as if I had cheated on her.”

  Alex lived with an acute sense of guilt in his relationship with his mother. He wondered what was wrong with him that he did not want to open up to his mom, who on the surface cared for him. “I’ve talked to so many guys who never had parents interested in their lives. I did, and I couldn’t stand it. There are days where I wish I could just get over myself and accept her love.”

  On the other hand, he knew that his mom was a consuming presence. Each hug he gave and every portion of his heart he offered were never enough. She would always want more. “My mom had a really hard time when I went off to college. My presence was what fueled her, and now that I was gone, she was stranded hundreds of miles away. I think this is one of the reasons I’ve never been able to date anyone for more than six months. My ‘low fuel’ light always comes on, and I don’t have anything left to give.”

  Triangulation, or emotional enmeshment, occurs when there is a breakdown in a marriage relationship and a child is brought in to fill the emotional emptiness. My research showed that 45 percent of respondents had their mothers confide in them about their frustrations with their lives and spouses, and 24 percent had their fathers confide in them about their frustrations with their lives and spouses. As you can see, the classic example of triangulation is a mother confiding in her children when the father abdicates his emotional responsibility to his wife. In the growing marital distance, the wife brings her emotional life—its joys and sorrows—to a child instead.

  In triangulation, a child is groomed to be the balm for his mother or father, thus developing an identity in reference to the parent’s needs. One example of how this played out with men was that 33 percent of men who had fathers confide in them about the difficulties they were having in their lives or marriages went on to search out pornography where women appeared to have a sense of maturity or power. These men searched the Internet for attractive mother figures, larger body types, bosses, and so on. The chances of pursuing this type of pornography dropped almost in half for men whose fathers did not emotionally enmesh with them.

  Triangulation is a form of emotional incest and has profound effects on the development of one’s individual and relational self. In marriage, our parents make vows to commit their loyalty, affection, and hearts to their spouses. Children do not make these vows. If you have been triangulated, it is likely your parents did not consider how the heartache and loneliness of their marriage would eventually affect you.

  Triangulation Is Idolat
ry

  The primary issue of triangulation is that children become idols for their parents. Pastor and author Tim Keller said,

  The human heart is an “idol factory.” . . . [It] takes good things like a successful career, love, material possessions, even family, and turns them into ultimate things. Our hearts deify them as the center of our lives, because, we think, they can give us significance and security, safety and fulfillment, if we attain them.[43]

  Parents form their children into idols each time they use their children to seek emotional fulfillment that they do not find in their marriages or friendships. It might be overt, such as a parent referring to her son or daughter as “my world” or “my prince/princess” or in more subtle ways, such as a parent confiding to his child about the burdens he is facing. Whenever triangulation is present, a parent’s idolatry is in full effect.

  Children who were groomed to be idols for their parents feel that any choice they make, even if healthy, will feel like a form of betrayal. But only through severing the ties of these unhealthy bonds can a new identity form. One client was criticized by his father for wanting to play football. He was told that he was too small and needed to stay home to help his mom with his younger siblings. Through therapy, he was exploring all the desires he had to give up as a child to stay bonded with his mom. This led to a very intentional pursuit of activities that he thought he could enjoy. He joined a cycling group in Seattle and has lost twenty pounds. He noted that much of this weight had been gained from the guilt he had for going to an out-of-state university. Although cycling has been a very healing dimension, it is not without anxiety: “I am aware that cycling takes up weekends that I could be going to my mom’s or dad’s place. I feel as if I need to rescue them from their loneliness. They really have no lives.”