Confessing History (Freehope Book 3)

by Jenni M. Rose

  She looked back at him and her heart sank.

  He couldn’t see it. That was the problem. Without the path he’d been walking for so long, Logan couldn’t see his future. None of it even seemed to matter, almost like he’d given up.

  Or gotten lost.

  She headed to the front desk and was greeted by a perky blonde, named Gina, who didn’t bother looking her in the eye. Mostly, she greeted Logan, sticking out her chest and blinding them with her toothy smile.

  “Can I help you?” the woman simpered.

  Beth rolled her eyes. “Over here,” she snapped, waving her hand in the woman’s direction. “I have a room under the last name Walker.”

  Gina spared her a glance and then looked back at Logan, her fingers working the keyboard as she looked up the name.

  “I have a Beth Walker,” the woman said.

  “That’s me,” Beth said, waving again.

  Gina gave her a condescending smile and Beth felt the urge to smack her.

  “You and your friend—”

  “Husband,” Beth interrupted.

  Logan coughed into his hand, but didn’t argue, thankfully, or she’d have to hit him, too.

  Gina looked a little chastised, but not too much. Beth got the feeling she was the kind of woman that didn’t worry about the formalities of relationships as long as she got what she wanted.

  “Husband,” Gina repeated, a sickly sweet smile on her face. “Mr. Walker”—she nodded in Logan’s direction—“it says here you’re in a room with two queens. Why don’t I bump you up to a king?”

  “No,” Beth told her. “We like have sex all over the room.”

  Logan barked out a laugh and hooked an arm around her head, covering her mouth and drawing her into his chest. “Behave,” he told her.

  Beth glared at him and then at Gina.

  “The two beds are fine,” Logan told the woman and then whispered in Beth’s ear. “Behave,” he repeated. “She’s not my type.”

  Beth sneered behind his hand, though neither Logan nor Gina could see it. Instead, she began to complain behind Logan’s hand which mostly just sounded like mumbling. She could feel his chest twitch behind her and she knew he was laughing at her.

  “Here are your keys, Mr. Walker.”

  Logan grabbed the envelope out of Gina’s hand and led Beth across the lobby, pushing her in front of him.

  “Are you nuts?” He laughed, pressing the elevator button. “Your husband?”

  “What?” she defended. “If I didn’t say that, she’d have been trying to track you down while we were here and there’s no way that’s happening. You may not be mine but you sure as shit aren’t going to be hers while I’m around.”

  They got in the elevator and headed up to their room.

  “Not going to lie. Jealously looks good on you, Sugar.”

  Beth would go so far as to say that Logan looked pleased. It was almost worth the feeling coursing through her veins, that hot, green jealousy that had sparked the visceral reaction that he spoke of. The idea of Gina hitting on Logan made her seethe, but if it made Logan smile to see Beth lose her shit, she might just do it again.

  “Happy to oblige.”

  “She’s not my type,” he pointed out, still smiling.

  “Too perky?”

  He just shook his head, stepping off the elevator and heading down the hall to their room, not answering her question. When they got inside, Beth dumped her stuff and flopped on one of the beds.

  “This feels too good,” she said on a moan. “I might need a nap.”

  “I told you I’d drive.”

  “I told you, tomorrow you can drive for a while. We’ve still got a ways to go before we get to the Grand Canyon. There’ll be plenty of driving for you to do. Besides, I think it’s the stripping that tuckered me out, not the driving.”

  She sent him a look, hoping it was something he could laugh about now. It was one of the funnier situations she’d found herself in. While he hadn’t been laughing at the time, maybe with a day between the incident, he’d see the humor in it.

  He’d dropped his own bag and was looking out the window, running a hand through his blond hair, combing it to the side.

  When he looked back at her, over his shoulder, there was a small smile on his lips.

  She felt a swell of pride in putting it there.

  “You were working hard,” he admitted. “And that couch is probably one of the most uncomfortable I’ve ever slept on. That probably didn’t help.”

  She gave him a nod of agreement. “I think there was a spring that was alive. Every time I moved, it moved with me, poking me in the ass.”

  “It’s a bitch.”

  They fell into a silence that wasn’t uncomfortable per se, but Beth felt like they should have had more to talk about. She didn’t want to bother him with unnecessary chatter, if he was needing some quiet, so she scooted up the bed and put her head on the pillow and watched him as he took in the scenery.

  He looked the same, for the most part. With his long pants, she would never know that he’d lost his leg and in turn, everything he thought he knew in life. Quite literally, he’d had his legs cut out from underneath him.

  She felt sorry for Logan. Not in the way he’d think if she told him that. Hell, she’d been lost nearly her whole life. She’d had the rug pulled out from underneath her before, so she knew what that felt like. She’d barely pieced her life back together in the aftermath of losing her mother and it had taken more out of her than she’d ever admit.

  She knew the hell he was going through. Maybe not the physical part, but the emotional part, for sure.

  Logan had always wanted more from her than she’d been willing to give. From the very first moment they’d met, he’d commanded her attention. He’d pulled stories from her she hadn’t meant to tell him. He’d made her want things she hadn’t thought she’d ever want.

  He’d been the catalyst that had knocked her off her path.

  He hadn’t wanted to hear that when she’d told him, but it was the truth.

  She closed her eyes and conjured up the memory of the first night they’d slept together. Not the sex, not the foreplay, but seeing him that night in her brother’s bar.

  She’d felt him the second he’d stepped into the room. The air had changed and she’d just felt him. He’d waited for her out on the sidewalk and the way he’d looked at her, like he could see inside her soul, had just unraveled everything she thought she knew.

  They’d had sex that night in Owen’s guest room and it had been life-altering.

  She wanted to laugh at the poetic nature of it all, but she’d be lying if she said she hadn’t fallen for him that weekend.

  Love at first sight, indeed.

  He’d confessed then the things he saw for them in the future, the life he wanted for them, and it was magical. She could almost see the picture he painted of them, living in a little house out on the bayou, venturing into New Orleans every few days, but mostly being wrapped up in each other. They’d get married and the wedding would be small.

  He’d talked about his mom a little, but still, nothing about his father. She’d be there and he wanted her to cook because she loved doing it and wouldn’t take no for an answer anyway, he’d said.

  They’d honeymoon in their little house, christening every room as a married couple. Drinking moonshine and sleeping in, feeding each other by hand in front of a roaring fire.

  It was a beautiful picture and she’d been sucked in from the first word.

  It was when he talked about their family that her insides had turned to stone.

  It wouldn’t be right away, but after a few years, she’d have their first baby. He didn’t care if it was a boy or a girl, as long as it looked like her. He’d take care of her too, making sure she was treated like a queen during the pregnancy, and after. He talked about rubbing her feet when they got swollen and getting all the foods she craved during her pregnancy. He smiled when he talked about her changing b
ody and how he’d love the curve of her stomach as it grew and he’d love her when she was changed forever by carrying their baby.

  His eyes had been warm as he made plans, watching her with a kind of love she could have never imagined even existed, let alone after just a few days. All that love was directed at her and she wanted to revel in it. She wanted to wrap it all up and keep it with her every second of every day.

  But the more he talked, the more she knew that the life he was creating for them, wasn’t for her. She didn’t fit in that picture he was painting.

  It wasn’t meant for her, at all, because what she knew and he didn’t, was that she couldn’t have children.

  Not with him.

  Not with anyone.

  Not ever.

  4

  When Logan turned from looking out at the Pennsylvania landscape out the hotel window, Beth was asleep on her bed. Her face had softened, her mouth open and slack. Her red hair was spread out on the pillow beneath her and one of her arms was flopped above her head.

  He stared at her, a sense of longing somewhere deep inside himself flaring to life. How could someone so small, take up such a big part of his heart?

  He’d asked himself the same question, every time she’d broken him down.

  After she’d left him the first time, he’d chalked it up to nerves and shock. After all, most people don’t have any idea how to react when they get struck with Cupid’s arrow, like he and Beth had. He’d taken it in stride, almost reveling in the feelings that had overtaken him that weekend. Beth, had not.

  The second time she’d ripped his heart out, when she’d tearfully called him after sleeping with a stranger, he’d been hurt. Hell, he’d been practically gut-shot when she told him, bleeding out onto the floor. But he’d known from the start she wasn’t ready to settle down. He’d be damned if he didn’t love her anyway.

  He’d had to take a break after that though and had kept his distance for a while.

  The third time, they’d been like magnets at Andy and Owen’s wedding, and he’d almost given up. He’d known she’d be there and had vowed to stay away from her. Given her avoidance of him, it was obviously what she wanted, but they’d been thrown together when Owen had gone missing on his wedding day. After he and Beth had found Owen locked in the basement of the family bar, staying away from each other hadn’t been an option. They’d found their way together again, and even knowing she was going to walk away, he jumped in head first anyway.

  There was a piece of her that lived inside of him. On his worst days, he likened her to a cancer that ate away at him until she was all that was there. It wasn’t very romantic, the notion that she was some kind of parasite, but their relationship hadn’t been one of romance.

  It had been sudden and life-changing. It had caused them both immeasurable upheaval in the long run.

  On his best days, he remembered the sound of her laugh when he’d stuck his cold hands on her back. He could feel her warmth under his hands and see the light in her eyes as she looked down at him, passionate and magnificent. He could remember the look on her face when she talked about her mother, and it still made his chest ache for all that she’d lost. How much pain she still carried haunted him.

  He’d talked himself in circles, convincing himself that it hadn’t truly been love at first sight, just a strong case of lust and desire. Months later, he still didn’t think he’d done the job because looking at her sleeping softened him in a way he hadn’t thought possible anymore. Even just having her with him, made him feel better than he had in months.

  Since the last time they’d been together, probably.

  Logan’s phone buzzed in his back pocket and with a quick look, he answered quietly.

  “Hey.”

  He hurried to the bathroom and quietly closed the door behind him, hoping to let Beth get some more sleep.

  “How’s the trip?” Owen asked, his voice chipper in Logan’s ear.

  He and Owen had been friends since the first week of naval training. They’d both had their ups and downs, but they’d always done it together.

  Now, Owen was happily married to Andy, his high-school sweetheart and Beth’s sister, and Logan couldn’t have been any happier for him. Both Owen and Andy deserved a lifetime of happiness together.

  “We’re in Pennsylvania,” Logan told him. “We stopped at a casino where Beth knows someone who got us a room for the night.”

  “Better than camping or a cheap motel,” Owen offered.

  “Camping?” Logan chuckled, leaning against the sink. “It’s March. If I thought we’d be camping, I wouldn’t have come.”

  “What’s the matter? Afraid of a little cold?” Owen laughed. It was an old subject they liked to bicker about. Logan, being from the south, had no tolerance for the cold, while Owen, being from the north, enjoyed it.

  “I don’t think afraid is the right word, O, but I’m sure as hell not about to camp in the snow. And there’s snow,” he assured him. “Ground’s still white out there.”

  “Not sure you’d be able to get Beth to camp in the snow, either.” They were both quiet for a moment before Owen spoke again. “And how is she?”

  Logan turned and looked at himself in the mirror as he considered the question, finger combing his hair to the side and inspecting his overgrown facial hair. He hadn’t shaved in three days and he considered letting it grow for a while.

  “Doc?”

  “She’s alright,” he answered noncommittally. “Sleeping off the drive.”

  “And how are things with you two?”

  “Is this gossip hour?” Logan complained.

  “You do remember when you showed up on my doorstep last year and forced me to get off my ass and confront Andy, don’t you? That was you, right?”

  No, he thought. That had been someone else a lifetime ago.

  “It’s not the same and you know it,” he said instead. “We’ve got some weird stuff between us and I don’t think we’ll ever get to the heart of it. But she was right. I need to get the hell out of the house and start living again, so that’s what I’m going to do.”

  “And I think that’s great,” Owen added. “I can’t imagine what you’ve been going through, mostly because you won’t let me in, but I think getting out into the world is great. I just want to make sure you’re not jumping into something with Beth that you can’t get yourself out of.”

  “I can’t jump into anything at all anymore, remember,” Logan murmured, staring into his eyes in the mirror and seeing a stranger looking back at him. The man before him was gaunt, with hollow cheeks and pale skin. He looked haggard, sad, and tired.

  “Doc.” Owen sighed. “It’s going to take time. How many times did you see guys in the field out of country and say the same damn thing? Why do you think it’s going to be any different for you?”

  “I don’t know,” he admitted. “It just feels too far away. I’m just tired.”

  It sounded pathetic when he said it out loud. He’d been doing nothing but recover for months, alternating between sitting on the couch and rehabbing his body. How could he possibly be tired?

  It was something he might not admit to anyone else. Even his cousins might not understand or look at him differently if he were to tell them something so nonsensical. But not Owen. Logan always knew Owen would have his back. He’d never lie to him or tell him something just to placate him, but he’d always be there to listen just like Logan had always been there for him.

  “Tired is normal, Doc. Whether you want to admit it or not, you’ve been through a trauma. Not just your body, but your entire life. It’s been tough for you. Give yourself permission to enjoy this trip and see if you can’t recharge. When you’re done, come here for a while. You know we’ve always got room for you and we’re always happy to have you.”

  “I appreciate that,” Logan told him, thinking about what it would be like to head to Freehope when all was said and done and his trip with Beth was over.

  How long were they r
eally going to be gone for? Would she head back that way when they were done?

  He imagined awkward run-ins at Andy and Owen’s or the grocery store and cringed at the thought.

  “Yeah, probably not, but I’m always up for a visit. Jenna promised to take me blueberry picking so I’ll have to come for that anyway.”

  “She’s changed, too, you know,” Owen said quietly.

  “Jenna?”

  “Beth,” Owen corrected. “She’s not the same these last few months. She’s been…off. I wanted to tell her about you and what happened, but Andy insisted we wait. When she got off the boat a couple days ago and called, it wasn’t pretty. She was furious with Andy for not saying something.”

  “She didn’t need to know,” Logan said. “Nothing she could do anyway.”

  “Yeah, but she wanted to,” Owen pointed out. “She wanted to be there for you, Doc. She wanted to be that for you and Andy took that away from her. I’m just saying, she’s different. I’m not sure what happened, but the last few months have been hard for her, too.”

  “My sympathy level is just off the charts,” he deadpanned.

  “You remember that time you told me it was time to get my ass off the couch and go get what I want?”

  “Not the same thing,” Logan pointed out.

  “At the time, I didn’t know what I wanted. I knew I wanted Jenna but I could only hope it came with Andy. There were no guarantees. Hell, you know that better than anyone. Sometimes, you just have to go for what you need and hope like hell the things you want come with it.”

  “And you think I want or need Beth?” Logan laughed, the sound brittle and dry as it came out of his mouth. “She did more damage than that damn roadside bomb. Hell, I was just as broken on the flight over there as I was coming home and she’s no better off than I am. She doesn’t know what she wants, but is willing to sleep with every guy she walks by, hoping to find it. I’m over her, Owen. I told you that and I’ll tell her too. This isn’t our get back together trip. It’s not a reunion. She thinks she can help me by taking me on some trip and showing me what I’m missing in life? Maybe what I’m missing is out there and I’ll find it, but it sure as hell isn’t her. That’s the only thing I’m sure of. That whatever I find out there that’s going to make me happy, isn’t going to be Beth Walker.”