by James Kelman
Ye sure? The guy sounded surprised.
I’m sure mate aye.
Naw I thought ye were up the PMBO on Friday. Are ye no?
Sorry.
What doctor ye seeing the now? Is it Logan?
…
I hear he’s awkward.
He’s alright.
No in my experience.
Sammy sniffed.
From what I know he’s an awkward buggar.
I saw him a few months ago.
Did ye? Mm. Naw I thought ye would be needing a rep. Ye’re blind int ye?
Who telt ye that?
A wee bird.
A wee fucking dickie bird?
Naw but it’s no gony be that straightforward, your medical case, from what I know about it.
What do ye know about it?
The guy chuckled.
Naw; I dont need a rep, thanks very much; fuck off.
I understand yer reaction, it’s alright. Look, simple cases or hard cases, it’s all one to me, I’ll rep yours if ye like.
Ye deaf?
Naw I’m no deaf, naw, thanks for asking. Correct me if I’m wrong, ye were gony go for compen against the police department then ye changed yer mind? Eh?
Sammy got to his feet, he turned in the direction of the reception and groped his way to the counter.
The woman said: Yes?
Mister Samuels, I’m waiting for my appointment.
Yes with Doctor Logan, I am aware of that but he has a client in with him at the moment. Your name will be called.
Eh fine, okay, I’ll just stand here and wait.
I’m afraid you cant just stand there and wait, people have to go backward and forward.
Sammy moved a couple of steps away then to his left, and he found the wall. He leaned against it. I’ll stand here, he said, if that’s alright with you.
I beg your pardon?
It’s no that ye see I’ve got the police waiting outside the close.
I’m afraid it wont make the doctor end his consultancy any the quicker. Yes?
…
I’m waiting for Mister Samuels… It was the bampot talking; he had arrived beside Sammy.
Are you a police officer?
No.
You’re blocking the passageway. Could you please stand to the side.
She’s talking to you, whispered the guy.
You’re blocking the passageway Mister Samuels.
Here, said the guy and his hand landed on Sammy’s wrist: Three steps more’ll do it.
Sammy lifted the hand off.
No want me to come into the doctor with ye?
Naw.
It’d be in yer favour.
Ye said ye werenay deaf mate know what I’m talking about?
I take what ye’re saying.
He went on to say something more but Sammy interrupted: Look mate gony stand somewhere else.
If ye insist.
I do insist.
Have ye got another rep like?
I dont need a rep, I telt ye already.
Mm. Well
Look, give us a break eh; cheerio. Sammy shook his head and turned away. He thought he heard the guy walk off but he couldnay be sure; he folded his arms, leaned his shoulder against the wall. Eventually La Di Da called: Doctor Logan is free to see ye now Mister Samuels. Please come this way.
And the guy’s hand was on Sammy’s wrist again and when he shrugged it off the guy muttered: Logan’s a tricky bastard, he’ll try and grind ye down; you’re blind but and dont let him tell ye different; this is an entirely new condition which was caused through no fault of yer own but on a balance of probabilities by a person or persons in the employ of the police department. Stick to yer guns.
Sammy kept walking. Then La Di Da’s hand was on his wrist. Thanks missis, he said but she didnay answer. Some of these middle-class bastards dont. They talk to ye and ye’re allowed to reply but ye cannay speak unless spoken to. He stopped when she did, she chapped a door. He listened to see if the guy was following. The door opened and he was pushed inside. The door shut. He stood where he was.
Just over there…
The voice came from nowhere. A mumble. Now came a rustle of papers. A cough. Just over there eh…
Sammy stayed. The cunt would probably have said it even if he had been wearing the shades and carrying the white stick. More rustling. Ye could picture him studying Sammy ower the top of his reading specs, an irritated frown on his coupon, thinking to himself: Who the fuck’s this evil-looking bastard?
Sammy smiled. But for some reason he felt nervous. It was that bampot outside, the so-called rep. He had met reps afore. He didnay want one. He didnay need one; that was the last thing.
Would you sit down over there please.
Sorry doctor I’m blind, I’m no sure where ye’re talking about.
Two steps forward five to your right. The doctor carried on talking before Sammy had found the seat. You’re Mister Samuels, you were taken onto this register for a probationary period some six months ago; you’re here this morning to complain of sightloss in both eyes: is that correct?
Yeh… Sammy found the seat and he sat down. He kicked his foot forwards and knocked against a desk or table.
And how do you say you chanced to lose your sight was it over a period of time, was it just suddenly gone; what?
Eh…
The doctor sighed. The report I have in front of me is ambiguous.
I woke up and that was that, it was gone. I telt the woman at the Central Medical.
Mmm. And when was this?
I’m no sure.
You’re not sure?
Naw.
According to this the onset date is already determined, the Saturday before last.
Eh
Now you’re saying something else?
I’m no sure.
You’re not sure?
I’m a bit out with my time the now doctor.
…
It’s just getting used to it, I’m no thinking too clear.
I see. Had you experienced deterioration prior to onset?
Naw.
Are you positive about that?
Aye; one minute I could see the next I couldnay.
So you’re saying you’ve never been tested for glasses?
No.
Are you a reader?
Eh aye.
Mmm. And can you make out the fine print to any degree?
Nope.
In regard to television, do you experience difficulty there?
Nope.
Is there any record of blindness in your family? Parents or brothers and sisters. Grandparents.
My mother and father both wore glasses.
Constantly?
Eh…
All the time?
I’m no sure – eh naw I think they did. Aye, they did. My sister wears glasses for reading. I’m no sure about my brother, I’ve no seen him for a while.
Silence for a few minutes. More paper rustling and a drawer getting opened and closed. And Sammy heard movement from the doctor’s direction. Then a sudden whooshing noise and he had to jerk his head. Then another. Again he jerked his head; he clutched onto the sides of the chair. The next whoosh was much closer. Another whoosh now, it was from beside his left ear. Then the cold hand on his forehead.
Sammy listened to the doctor breathing, totally measured, no even a hiccup.
Try to relax Mister eh… No, please keep your eyes open for the time being.
More movement now. Something touched the side of his face, a rough sort of material. Then came a tap on the side of his left temple and he gave a slight yelp. He sniffed. The hand was off his forehead now. The doctor was walking away.
You’re a smoker. Did you advise us of this when you applied to join our register?
Yeh.
How many a day do you smoke? on average.
Eh it depends.
A rough estimate?
Half an ounce. Unless I’m skint I mean, if I’ve
got nay money… Sammy shrugged.
You are aware that treatment for certain diseases and illnesses will not be forthcoming if you persist? I strongly advise you to give it up. Tobacco’s a killer; not only of yourself but of other individuals. It can also contribute materially to other ailments and conditions. Have you ever tried to give it up?
Yeh, a few times.
But you didnt succeed?
Naw.
Mmhh. Well Mister eh Samuels…in respect of the visual stimuli presented it would appear you were unable to respond.
…
Do you sleep at nights?
Yeh.
How many pillows?
Eh one.
And do you feel the need to have a window open?
Eh, sometimes.
For the fresh air?
Aye.
Do you experience palpitations?
No.
Pains in the ankle or shoulder?
Nope.
The chest?
Eh…naw, no really.
You seem unsure?
Well eh I mean I sometimes get indigestion.
In your chest?
Aye.
What makes you think it’s indigestion?
Eh…it feels like heartburn.
Mm. Headaches?
Eh naw.
Never?
Naw.
You never experience headaches?
Never, naw.
Remarkable. Other pains?
…
Other pains?
Sammy folded his arms. Aye, he said, my back and my ribs.
But you dont experience chest problems. Mmhh.
Sammy stood. He took off his jacket: I thought you would maybe want a look doctor. He tugged the vest out the trousers, peeled it and his jersey up. He turned roundabout.
The doctor came to him: Just stand still. He touched Sammy on the ribs and lower back. Then he said, Tuck your clothes in.
Sammy did it, he sat down, he heard the doctor writing. Eh I was just wondering…
Yes?
D’ye think this is temporary?
What?
My eyes.
Your eyes?
I’m talking about this being blind, if ye think it’s gony be temporary or what?
I’m afraid I cant answer that. But I would advise you to exercise patience. Are you prone to psychological or nervous disorders?
Naw.
Anxiety?
Naw, not at all
Panic-attacks?
Eh naw.
You do understand what I mean by a panic-attack?
Sammy sniffed. I understand what ye mean but I dont understand how come ye’re asking me about it.
Do you know a Doctor Crozier?
…
In fact he wrote a medical report on you some nine years ago. He describes you as prone to anxiety, that you seem inclined toward attacks of panic.
…
I have a copy of his report in front of me. Are you disagreeing with his clinical assessment?
Yeh.
You are?
Yeh. Well I mean it’s no so much I disagree it was just cause of the circumstances, I telt him that at the time – a guy I knew got found dead.
Are you therefore disputing Doctor Crozier’s assessment?
I’m no disputing it, I’m just saying it was an unusual thing.
Mister Samuels I should advise you that it’s in your own best interest to adjust to the physical reality. You mustnt allow things to prey on your mind. Obsessive behaviour should be guarded against. If it is found that you suffer sensory dysfunction then your body will endeavour to follow its own compensatory process; this should be abetted rather than thwarted. No one is unique. In my experience persons who entertain sightloss come to feel bodily materials with such perfect exactness that one is tempted to suggest they see with their hands, or that their stick is an organ of the sixth sense; they can be observed distinguishing between trees and stones and water. You arent a religious man I see but there are those who are; they adhere to particular forms of belief; they would argue – I think convincingly – that it is to the soul that that very special sense of sight belongs. It is by no means uncommon to find that when the soul is distracted, whether by ecstasy or deep contemplation, the entire body remains devoid of sensation, in spite of being in contact with various objects in the material world. Now the point here is that sensation doesnt occur in view of the soul’s presence in the parts that serve as external sense-organs but in view of its actual presence in the brain, where it employs a governing sensory faculty: a kind of central coordinator would be one way of describing it, except that in doing so we may leave the route clear for a denial of its ineluctable essence. I do recommend you regard your present condition as semi-permanent and move on from there, perhaps exercising more emotional restraint. I assume you’re in receipt of Community Gratuity?
…
And which services do you provide?
Nayn the now.
When did you last provide any?
Eh October.
October?
It was for the City Building Project.
Mmhh. And when will you be starting back do you think?
Eh…
Is there another project in the offing?
Aye but I mean unless things change… Sammy shrugged.
Yes?
Well I’m gony have to re-register. Ye’ve got to be able to see to serve on a building site.
…
A lot of the things ye do are up high doctor eh…there isnay any floors; nay walls, nay ceilings. Ye’re in the middle of building them so…they’re no there yet. Sammy shrugged. If ye cannay see ye’re liable to fall off.
Mmm.
That’s how I’m here.
Yes well until comprehensive reports are carried out Mister Samuels…
Sammy sniffed. The doctor was writing. He cleared his throat and said, Eh I was wondering about things like guide-dogs and white sticks… About getting them I mean?
…
Eh how do ye go about it?
Go about it?
Eh, if ye wanted a guide-dog, or a white stick; how d’ye go about getting them?
I’m afraid I dont follow.
Right eh just if’ve ye no got the money I mean to buy them, I mean, what do ye approach a charity?
Well I dare say that if a claim in respect of a found dysfunction is allowed then an application in respect of a customer’s wants that may be consistent with the found dysfunction becomes open to discharge by the appropriate charitable agency.
So I should approach a charity?
…
Eh?
I beg your pardon?
Have I to approach a charity? I mean…should I approach a charity?
That’s entirely up to yourself.
Yeh but
You may approach a charity at any time Mister Samuels.
Yeh but I’m just saying
The doctor sighed. Sammy clasped and unclasped his hands. There was a rustling of papers. The doctor said, I’ve prescribed a similar course of medication as that recommended by Doctor Crozier; it should help relieve your stress; also an ointment which you may apply to areas of your upper trunk. Here you are.
Sammy held his hand out and was given the prescription.
Good morning.
Sammy got to his feet. Eh doctor, see about the sightloss… what happens now?
In what sense?
Naw just eh, what do I do now?
I would’ve thought that was up to yourself Mister Samuels.
Naw I’m no saying that, I’m just talking about eh…
…
Know what I mean?
I’m not sure that I do. The medical officers at the PMBO will require to examine you. That’s a formality. As far as the DSS Central Medical is concerned I dare say their adjudicating authorities will require to determine a judgment. If the alleged dysfunction is verified then your claim for re-registration in respect of sightloss
capacity will be allowed.
So that means my registration claim isnay gony be allowed just now?
Well how can it be?
Naw I was just wondering like what you were gony be saying. The report I mean that’s eh… Sammy sniffed.
The papers getting rustled. The doctor was writing now.
See I was just wondering there eh about eh the future and that, my eyes…
I’ve stated that it would be wise to proceed on the assumption that should the alleged dysfunction be found
Aye sorry for interrupting doctor but see when you say ‘alleged’?
Yes?
Are ye saying that you dont really think I’m blind?
Pardon?
Ye saying ye dont think I’m blind?
Of course not.
Well what are ye saying?
I told you a minute ago.
Could ye repeat it please?
In respect of the visual stimuli presented you appeared unable to respond.
So ye’re no saying I’m blind?
It isnt for me to say.
Aye but you’re a doctor.
Yes.
So ye can give an opinion?
Anyone can give an opinion.
Aye but to do with medical things.
Mister Samuels, I have people waiting to see me.
Christ sake!
I find your language offensive.
Do ye. Ah well fuck ye then. Fuck ye! Sammy crumpled the prescription and flung it at him: Stick that up yer fucking arse!
Yes good morning.
Ya fucking eedjit! Sammy stood there. He started smiling, then stopped it. Fucking bastard!
Yes, thank you.
Fucking thank you ya bastard. Sammy grasped at the desk; there were papers there and he skited them; he turned and headed to where he thought the door was but banged into something that fell and he stumbled, tried to right himself but couldnay fucking manage it and ower he went, clattering into something sharp and solid and he cried out. The door opened and somebody came in and grabbed his arm. Sammy punched at whoever it was and rolled to escape, onto his knees and up. It was the rep saying, Take it easy it’s me. I’m representing this man’s claims Doctor Logan.
Are you…
Sammy was moving away from the voices.
I was supposed to attend with him this morning but I got detained elsewhere; I apologise for the inconvenience.
The doctor started to reply but Sammy had already found the door handle; he got out the room and was walking. There was a wall; he patacaked along to the reception counter then it was a straight route to the exit. By the time he got there and groped for the door the rep had caught up with him: Okay he said, that’s us.
