How Late It Was How Late

by James Kelman

  Heh Ally give us a break eh my head’s nipping.

  Ah ye’ve got to keep going but. That’s the auldest ruse in the book. What I’m doing is giving ye practice. Ye’ve got to be prepared for mental marathons. They’ll stuff yer nut full of conundrums and panegyrics and obscure bloody logical formulas. So ye’ve got to be up to it. That’s how I was wanting to wash yer dishes, just habit, getting some physical activity to help out the brainbox, it paces ye, keeps the corpuscles circulating Sammy it gets the blood pumping, the auld oxygen; activity activity. Come on I’m being selfish, we’ll have another cup of tea.

  Ally got up from the stool: Plus here I am on the only stool and you’re standing so the blood’s actually draining out yer head. Nay wonder ye’re struggling!

  Sammy heard the kettle being filled and put to boil. Then the hot water tap started running again.

  You sit down for a minute, it’s my fault waking ye up so early. Ye’re still tired eh?

  Look mate

  We’ll go into the living-room after; a change of scenery’s sometimes good for flagging concentration. There was this auld guy shared a cell with me once, he taught me a lot about the mind, how to improve it.

  I thought ye were in a hurry?

  I was, it’s just I’ve made myself the time, we’re ahead of schedule; see I wasnay expecting to be as far on as this; it’s cause ye’ve been keeping up so good – that’s the auld porridge experience coming into play. Heh Sammy wait till ye meet up with the big wigs at the PBO! No kidding ye, ye’re in for a bit of fun. It’s no like going to an ordinary court. There’s this rigamrole where they put ye at yer ease and give ye tea and biscuits and usually they call ye by yer first name – which is a move but ye let them get on with it. They smile a lot as well. Especially the medical officers. The legal officers go a bit huffy on ye, ye’ll pick it up in their voice, but dont worry about them. What I’m saying is it isnay totally hostile, the atmosphere, no as such. Ye’ll no find a single uniform in the entire premises and that includes the security staff on the door.

  Aye well as long as the uniform doesnay talk it doesnay bother me.

  Right, aye… Ally chuckled. Okay so ye were telling me about yer good lady-friend and the lost day so to speak. Eh?

  Sammy sighed.

  Come on, there’s no long to go now.

  Naw just…look, one thing I can tell ye about the booze, to do with the blank-out; if ye have one it usually means ye’ve been battering it heavy, know what I’m saying, ye’ve drank a lot, ye’re total steamboats. So then ye can do anything I mean fuck anything. It’s all out the window. Nay predictions.

  Anything’s possible?

  Well aye I mean, more or less.

  Mm. That’s a bad yin. Forget it.

  Aw aye I mean it’s just for yer own information.

  Ye know what good cause and manifestly unfounded grounds are Sammy?

  It’s only for yer own information, that’s how I’m saying it.

  I see now how come they havenay bothered with Saturday, it’s a trump card. With respect, in some ways ye wonder how they’re even bothering with ye. That’s the common sense thing to think; how come they’re bothering with ye I mean they could have kept ye inside and flung away the key: ye follow? I’m no wanting to depress ye.

  Ye arenay, it isnay something I dont know.

  See it means yer lady-friend becomes doubly important. The missis said that to me. That was her first point. Naw I’m very glad ye’ve telt me about Saturday; thanks; some customers would have kept it back. It is a bad yin. I’ve got to say it and it cannay be denied. It’s a very bloody bad yin. We can maybe get ower it but it needs work, it needs proper setting out. At least ye’ve telt me so they’ll no spring it. So, what have ye found out about yer lady-friend?

  What d’ye mean?

  Have you found stuff out about her?

  Naw fuck how can I, I cannay fucking see, I’m fuckt, I’m actually fuckt; and nay cunt seems to believe me! I feel like a fucking clown!

  Here, ye’ve dropped yer fag…

  Sammy held his hand out. He got his lighter. His shoulders had went stiff. The fag was wet.

  Mind what I was saying about the language Sammy, how ye’re best to watch it…? Okay, now did I hear you right ye were saying it was normal for her to go off like this?

  What… naw it isnay fucking normal at all man what ye talking about I mean that’s what I’m saying, it isnay fucking normal at all. She goes away for a couple of days now and again; alright, sees her faimly and that, but that’s that – so ye even I mean ye even like eh I mean, fuck sake…her being a woman and that… Sammy shook his head, he put the fag in his mouth but it was still wet and he took it back out.

  Ye mean ye’re worried about her?

  Course I’m fucking worried about her.

  Right…right…mm.

  Sammy sniffed. He was rolling a fresh cigarette. He said, What were you inside for Ally? as a matter of interest.

  Red tape.

  What does that mean?

  Just what I say, red tape.

  It’s no an answer.

  Well if ye ever want clued into what really happened I’ll give ye a look at my file.

  Aye fine, I wouldnay mind.

  Now about the missing Saturday…

  What about it?

  Naw just so we’re clear; I dont care what details the PBO get supplied with so long as the ones coming from us are the same as each other, ye with me?

  No really, naw.

  Well if the lads from the department purport to check things out about the Saturday then purport to make a finding then we dont want to be left in a position where all I can say is, Sorry yer Honour but the customer cannay remember nothing about the Saturday, no as such, but he does want to submit that everything’s out the window and anything’s possible. Eh? See I’ve got faith in ye and I dont for one minute think anything bad has happened to yer lady-friend, or else if it has you arenay responsible.

  …

  Honest now Sammy I mean that. I hope ye believe me.

  Who telt ye we had a bad row? Who telt ye?

  I made my own inquiries.

  Who with?

  My sources.

  Are ye talking about the polis?

  Ally chuckled.

  Sammy shrugged: Answer the question.

  Ye’re being silly.

  Am I fuck being silly.

  Oh ye of little faith.

  I mean if ye are working for them then fine it doesnay worry me, know what I’m talking about it doesnay fucking worry me, I’m used to it – only problem but, if ye are, if ye are working for them, I’ll batter yer fucking head in.

  The problem with all this is the time it wastes.

  Sammy smiled. Ye’re no feart.

  What is there to be feart about?

  …

  By the way, ye didnay tell me there was politics involved, no as such.

  There isnay.

  Ally sighed.

  No unless ye’re talking about a guy I used to know.

  Well that’s what they’re talking about.

  Sammy sniffed. I wouldnay have thought it was relevant, no to me doing the claim.

  It’s me that’s doing the claim for ye.

  Look I met a couple of guys when I was pub-crawling and it turns out the sodjers were tailing one of them. They’re saying it was an auld mate of mine. I cannay mind meeting him; they said I did.

  Anything’s possible?

  Ally… Take it easy.

  Well if ye’re talking about Charlie Barr then that’s who ye’re talking about?

  It’s them that are talking about him, no me.

  Are yez comrades? close friends? what?

  We were threw the gether as boys, cause of our faythers, they palled about.

  Politically?

  Politically, whatever, I dont know, they were both in the same union, I was a boy.

  Were ye surprised to find they were keeping tabs on him?

  Were you?


  Can ye get in touch with him?

  One way or another, aye I suppose so, if I wanted to, but I dont; nay reason.

  No even to tell him he’s getting watched?

  Sammy smiled.

  Would ye mind if I got in touch with him?

  As long as it had fuck all to do with me.

  Is this place bugged?

  Probably.

  I’m no being cheeky but are you paranoiac?

  Maybe.

  So when ye heading across to register at the charity?

  That’s my business. Later on.

  Ye are going but?

  Course.

  Because if ye dont it’ll go against ye quite bad. We just cannay afford more inconsistencies. Ye follow?

  Yep.

  It’s good ye’ve got me acting for ye Sammy cause ye’ve got a very bad temper and people with bad tempers are exactly what the doctor ordered, as far as the authorities are concerned.

  Is that a fact?

  Aye. It’s them doing the ordering. See I can walk in there and present a case based on general principles of action and behaviour and that sort of stuff, how we expect certain things to operate in what we’re told is an efficient and competent manner. I can do it, it’s no a problem. The trouble is it doesnay get ye very far and even if ye win – which is really unusual – then ye win under false pretences: ye win and ye shouldnay win. Some people take satisfaction in that cause it’s a victory but what it means is the authorities have just been lazy, and that isnay a good sign. It can even cause divisions between them and that means a bad end-product for us. Ye might think it would be better for us but it isnay. It just makes them all the more cautious in future. Ye’re better lulling them into a false sense of security. Another way of doing it is if I base the case on exceptional circumstances but I can only do that if I know what these circumstances are. The stuff you’re holding back from me should be immaterial, but the fact ye’re holding it back makes it impossible to demonstrate. There again but I dont like fighting cases on an exceptional basis anyway; every case is unique in its own wee way so ye’re better off trying to show it’s the general – I’m no talking about principles by the way. What I’m saying is if ye win with the unexceptional ye’ve a chance of establishing the general, that’s yer goal.

  Sammy smiled.

  Ye’re better being serious the now Sammy, we’re a bit far down the road for childish behaviour, I should say you’re a bit far down the road.

  Ye think I give a fuck? Eh?

  I’ve got to say about politics, it’s something else, what ye might call a variable, ye cannay predict how the beaks’ll respond. Ye’re aye better with matters of substance. Politics can make them fling away the rule book, especially if they’ve found a way to use the word ‘violence’, and it isnay up to them to prove there’s a difference. Ye have to understand about the law, it isnay there to apply to them it’s there to apply to us, it’s them that makes it.

  I’m no interested.

  As long as we’re clear on the basics. It’s nay good you kidding on ye know nothing and relying on that to get ye by. Even if ye do know nothing, ye still cannay rely on it. With respect and pardon me but that’s a mistake a lot of folk make. They stay ignorant in the off-chance it’ll get them out of trouble. You’ve supped yer porridge so ye’re supposed to be a man of the world. I’m no being cheeky. Ye see I think if ye do have a problem it might be that ye dont listen. I moved while ye were standing there and ye didnay even notice. I’ll tell ye straight and dont take it personal, if ye werenay blind I’d be expecting more of ye. Ye’re handicapped by yer loss of function but so’s a lot of people. Let’s get the cards on the table: how long now it is ye’ve been blind?

  Ally ye dont know what ye’re talking about.

  I’m just putting myself in your shoes and trying to imagine how it might be. Okay ye’ve got a problem; but we’ve all got problems; some are worse than others, but it’s where ye go from there.

  Time ye left mate ye’re playing games, irritating, know what I mean, irritating, yer behaviour, it’s irritating.

  About life Sammy, it’s a sequence of jumps and hurdles and what ye might call deep pits hidden from view. Blindness, once ye’ve got it, it’s a jump. Before ye’ve got it it’s a deep pit. But this isnay before it’s after, so it’s just a jump.

  Sammy was about to smile but he didnay. He said, What ye needling me for?

  I’m no needling ye it’s just sometimes ye annoy me, ye’ve got a chip on yer shoulder.

  Sammy smiled.

  See what I mean. Well…I suppose it puts me on my metal, and that cannay be bad because it makes me work. At least ye’re no pathetic. A lot of my customers are: with respect to them, I’m no being cheeky, just stating the case, and that’s the only word to describe it. See I cannay be bothered with suicides and unaccountable early deaths, they just annoy me beyond belief – they cause rifts in the home for one thing, mine as well as yours. Now have ye got a camera? Eh? Naw? Take off yer jersey a minute. Eh? Heh ye ever seen the suicide rates on huffy people? Sammy, it’s no a time for this, I want to see the damage. Ye said ye got a doing so show me what’s left of the evidence.

  Sammy nodded and lifted up his jersey.

  Ye get too used to the arguments, muttered Ally, ye forget to look at the person, I can be as bad as them. Did he use the phrase ‘moderately severe bruising’? I’m talking about the quack.

  Naw.

  How’s yer breathing? a bit sticky?

  Aye.

  Ye got any chest problems? trouble with yer lungs? I’m talking about the past.

  Sometimes.

  Did the doctor ask ye about that?

  Cannay mind.

  Did he ask ye about yer work history?

  Naw.

  What substances ye’ve worked with?

  Naw.

  Did he check ye for broken ribs?

  Dont know.

  Ye checked yerself?

  A wee bit.

  What about round the back?

  Naw.

  I’m gony poke into yer ribs now so dont jump if my hand’s cauld.

  Sammy breathed deep.

  Just breathe normally… If any of this is sore just tell us.

  It is a bit, a wee bit I mean aye.

  Mmhh. Did he use the stethoscope?

  Yeh, I think so.

  Ever kept budgies?

  What?

  It’s known as formal reasoning Sammy. Keep breathing normally. How many pillows d’ye sleep with at night?

  Depends, if Helen’s there, she likes two, but it’s just one if it’s myself.

  D’ye sleep with the window open?

  Sometimes.

  See Logan’s a tricky blighter, I telt ye that already. He had yer medical reports in front of him remember so he’ll know yer X-ray evidence inside out, plus yer LFT’s. Ever had pneumonia or tuberculosis?

  Naw, dont think so.

  See there’s gony be a possible risk of scarring here and that could affect a future claim – I’m no talking about yer eyes but yer lungs, if they turn fibrotic. Crafty auld buggar, he was taking nay chances at all. That was how he made ye lose yer temper and get ye extra points for the high anxiety table. People with bad tempers Sammy they’re a hazard to their own breathing: did ye no know that? Mind you – naw…doesnay matter, though of course… mmm, okay, fine. It was the building trade ye worked Sammy eh?

  Aye.

  Having said that, he’s got his faults – Logan – that’s how he’s still doing Health and Welfare work for the Community Provision, cause these things arenay vocational except maybe if ye’re an earnest young person just out government training school! Ally chuckled, I’m talking about the uni. Naw see a distant relative of my wife’s is a doctor; he’s quite a good yin far as we know; these days we dont speak, he’s a buggar for status and we’ve no got any. At one time he used to lend me books but no now we’re on opposite sides of the fence. What about the auld kidneys? They okay?


  Sammy shrugged.

  Well ye would know if they werenay. Fine, that’ll do for the time being; tuck yerself in.

  Ye know yer stuff mate eh!

  Ally sighed. Well, put it this way, if I didnay ye wouldnay want me repping ye; nothing worse than getting some bloke working for ye and they know less than you do. Now a camera is essential here I’m glad to say cause there’s a lot of evidence still available. I meant to bring it this morning but I forgot so it’ll have to be later on the night – so nay sneaking out for a drink!

  …

  Sammy dont lose yer sense of humour. I cannay make it any earlier. This is a busy night up the City Chambers, nearly as busy as a Thursday; all the new legislation goes up; they spring all sorts; plus the place is hoaching with touts, grasses and spooks – you name it – so ye’ve got to box clever. But one way or another we’ll get the photo took: if I cannay manage it myself I’ll send somebody else.

  Eh

  Cause that’s the trouble with surface evidence, it does a disappearing trick. How d’ye think the quack prescribed ye the vanishing cream?