The Crimes and Punishments of Miss Payne

by Barry Jonsberg

  Even after swaddling my injured foot in a few layers of toilet paper, the outsize shoe was still incredibly painful. I couldn't even do up the shoelaces. In the end, it took me about twenty minutes to get dressed, with the Fridge shouting at annoyingly regular intervals for me to get out of bed and ready for school. Finally, I checked myself out in the mirror.

  I cut a bizarre figure. Pretty standard from the ankles up, but I appeared to be wearing two large Persian cats on my feet. I looked like Minnie Mouse without the ears. I staggered down the stairs as if I had a length of curtain rod up my bum. The Fridge took one look at me and turned pale.

  “My God, Calma,” she said. “You look like Minnie Mouse. What on earth are you wearing those things for? And why are you standing like that?”

  “They're fashionable, Mum,” I said, curling my lip in the manner of someone infuriated by parental ignorance. “Everyone's wearing them.”

  The Fridge nodded, still looking somewhat aghast. I knew I was safe with the old “they're in fashion” trick. She had seen enough teenage styles to know that nothing, however bizarre and ridiculous, was out of the question. She chewed thoughtfully on a piece of toast and looked me up and down.

  “Well, you look like you have a couple of snowdrifts on your feet. Still, if you're happy…”

  I could finish the sentence for her: “… to look like a complete loser and fashion victim.”

  I breakfasted on cornflakes, two Tylenols and intermittent conversation. The Fridge kept trying to draw me out. She told me that I was looking like crap (thanks a lot), that I seemed depressed (and why wouldn't I?) and that I should talk to her about anything that might be bothering me (how? Through notes on her stained exterior?). Now, I know I said earlier that I could really have done with talking things over with her, but to be honest, the moment had passed. It seemed to me that a parent is there for emergencies—there's just no point in them arriving late, oozing empathy. The fire had burnt itself out and here she was offering up a bucket of water to the charred remains.

  Unfair? Is that what you're thinking? Yeah, well, you're probably right. But I guess I just wasn't in the mood.

  Anyway, as luck would have it, the Fridge was leaving for work at the same time I had to take off for school, so she gave me a lift. I really hadn't been looking forward to the walk. In fact, just hobbling from the car to the canteen area, where I normally hung out between lessons, was enough to make me doubt the wisdom of going to school at all. Kiffo was there, smoking a cigarette. It always amazed me how he smoked in full view of the teachers on yard duty and nothing ever happened. Whenever a teacher looked in his direction they'd suffer from some sort of temporary blindness. Too much trouble to do anything about it, I guess. They'd have to write reports and stuff like that. Anyway, most of them smoked too.

  Kiffo took one look at my shoes and raised a quizzical eyebrow.

  “Nice footwear, Calma,” he said. “You look like …”

  “Yes, thanks, Kiffo. I've been told already!”

  We quickly talked over the events of the previous evening. It turned out that Slasher, for reasons best known to himself, had ignored Kiffo entirely and homed in on me. Maybe, with his superior canine faculties, he had come to the conclusion that taking a bite out of Kiffo's leg might constitute a serious health hazard. That he'd have to get a rabies shot. Whatever, Kiffo had seen very quickly that I was the target. He had spotted me leaping onto the fence and had taken a shortcut to the other side, hoping to help in some way. I told him about the damage to my foot and the necessity of wearing shoes the size of kayaks. Like me, Kiffo didn't believe that the Pitbull had got a good sight of us.

  For the rest of the time before the bell, we talked over the implications of what we had seen the previous night. For once Kiffo didn't have to convince me of anything. I mean, you didn't have to be a genius to work out what was in that bag.

  For one hundred and twenty-five thousand dollars: What was in the bag that the Ferret handed over to the Pitbull?

  Bread-making flour.

  Sugar for a cake stall at the local school fete.

  The entire dandruff output of Melbourne residents in one calendar year.

  Pure heroin.

  Phone a friend? Ask the audience? Nah. Lock it in, Regis.

  We compared notes on the mystery man and agreed he had to be a drug lord. He looked like one of those characters who says, “Well, Meester Bond, you have proved a worthy adversary but now I'm afraid that I will have to lower you headfirst into this tank of piranhas. Then, of course, I will find a reason to wander off aimlessly before your head touches the water, allowing you to perform a miraculous escape without spoiling your hairdo.” Hell, this guy looked as if he might have been thrown out of the Mafia for cruelty. In my admittedly fertile imagination, I was already beginning to think that I had spotted a black patch over one eye and a thin, pale scar along his jawline.

  In the end, though, no matter how much we thought we knew about the whole business with the Pitbull, we didn't have any hard evidence, and without that we'd be struggling to nail her.

  “We should tap her phone,” Kiffo said.

  “Genius, Kiffo,” I replied. “And just how are we going to go about that?”

  “I dunno,” he said. “In the movies, guys just go up telephone poles. Maybe we could wire up her phone line to a phone we've got and then listen in.”

  “The fact that you haven't a clue how to go about this doesn't dampen your spirits in any way?” I remembered all too well that in the last science unit we had done Kiffo had scored four percent. He'd answered the first question and then fallen asleep. Kiffo had always believed that letting teachers know what was in your head was akin to passing information to the enemy. “Knowing your luck,” I continued, “you'd pick the power line and barbecue yourself.”

  “What about RadioShack?” asked Kiffo, after a bit of back-of-the-head scratching. “Maybe they'll have a kit.”

  “A How-to-Tap-a-Phone Kit? Next to Build-Your-Own-Submachine-Gun and Devise-Your-Own-Thermonuclear-Device? Ah, yes. I think they've got them on special.”

  “Yeah. All right, smart-arse.”

  Kiffo screwed his face up further in concentration.

  “Perhaps we could plant a bug on the dog.”

  “Listen,” I replied. “First, I think Slasher has already got a full complement of bugs. Second, we haven't got a bug to put on him. And third, put a hand anywhere near that hound and you'd be minus at least three fingers. Get real, Kiffo. No, I think the only realistic option is to do what we've been doing already. Keep trailing her, wait for something else to happen. Something that we could go to the police with.”

  By this time, the bell had rung and we had wandered over to home group. Miss Blakey, our teacher, was waiting at the door. She looked me up and down as I approached and then took me discreetly to one side. Kiffo sidled into the room.

  “Are you all right, dear?”

  “Fine, Miss. Why do you ask?”

  “It's just that you are walking a little funny. Are you sure you're all right…”—she looked around once or twice and lowered her voice conspiratorially—“… down there?”

  “Certain, Miss. Down there has never been in better shape, thanks for asking.”

  “Good. Well, anyway, Mr. Di Matteo wants to see you in his office. Immediately.”

  I could tell that this was going to be one of those days.

  Let me give you a little bit of information about Mr. Di Matteo, our respected principal. I once asked Kiffo to break into the personnel files at the school and get the dirt on him. He turned up with the original letter of application:

  Dear Sir,

  I wish to apply for the position of principal, as advertised in your Education Bulletin of 3 March. I am 50 years old and have looked this way since I was 20. For a period of three years, in my early teens, I possessed a rudimentary sense of humor, though I have long since misplaced it. I do not like or understand children, who appear to me to be somewhat distast
eful in their personal and social habits. I once had a creative thought, but have unfortunately forgotten what it was. Throughout my teaching career, I have relied on networking and unashamed arse-licking for the promotions I have received. In turn, I have promoted people like myself. As a consequence, every school I have taught at has been dominated in the upper echelons of management by gray and unimaginative minds.

  I have continued to keep abreast of educational developments, recently completing my advanced diploma in Senior High School Information Technology. I am proud to be able to write Dip. SHIT after my name. Given my background of mediocrity and managerial incompetence, I feel I am over-qualified for the position described. I also feel that your remuneration package of $ 120,000 per annum, plus company car, would allow me to comfortably see out my time to retirement.

  Yours faithfully,

  Liam J. Di Matteo

  Actually, that's not true at all. I made it up. Sorry.

  A summons to see Mr. Di Matteo was a rare event. It could mean that something good had happened to you, like you had won a major competition and he wanted a picture of you with him so that he could send it out to the papers. Preferably a very large picture of him, with you peering in the background, like one of those people standing behind the reporter, trying to get their face on TV. Or it could mean you'd been caught doing something wrong. Seriously wrong. And the trouble was, I hadn't entered any competitions recently.

  Sure enough, when I knocked on the door and was told to enter, I saw him sitting at his desk. The expression on his face was not the kind that inspires confidence. Not the kind that makes you think he is about to kiss you on both cheeks and say, “My wonderful child, I am so proud of you!” Particularly since the Pitbull was standing next to him. And, dangling from her outstretched right hand, she held a familiar and somewhat torn and battered red Converse shoe.

  I felt a bit like Cinderella being confronted by Prince Charmless.

  Chapter 12

  The principal, the Pitbull and Pictionary

  “Is this your shoe, Miss Harrison?”

  I toyed with the idea of just giving my name, rank and serial number, but thought that this might make the situation worse. I decided to play for time.

  “What shoe's that, Mr. Di Matteo?”

  “Don't be stupid, child. This shoe, the one that Miss Payne is holding up. Is it your shoe?”

  “I don't think so, Mr. Di Matteo. I normally buy mine in twos.”

  Miss Payne slammed the shoe down on the edge of the principal's desk, causing a flake of red canvas to flutter to the floor. If I had been hoping for the good cop, bad cop routine I was out of luck. This was going to be purely bad cop, bad cop. The Pitbull glowered. (A good word, “glowered.” A sort of a cross between “gloomy” and “lowered.”) Her features crowded in on each other, her shoulders tensed and her eyes shot me a glance of pure hatred. Baleful. (Another good word.) Her face was positively overflowing with bale. You couldn't have fit in another smidgen of bale if your life depended on it.

  “Don't get smart with me, Miss Harrison. You know perfectly well what the principal is talking about. This shoe. Unless I am much mistaken, you often wear a pair of shoes identical to this. I also have reason to believe that you lost one of them last night. Now, what do you have to say for yourself?”

  It seemed to me that she was right in one regard. Smart-arse comments were probably not going to help me out in this situation. I decided to play the helpful student, solving a minor mystery.

  “May I look at it more closely? I do own a pair of shoes similar to this.”

  Mr. Di Matteo waved me forward graciously, as if he were the judge in a murder trial and I had requested permission to approach the bench. I picked up the shoe and pretended to examine it carefully. I nodded once or twice in what I hoped was an intelligent fashion.

  “Ah, yes, I can see the confusion,” I said. “I do have a pair similar to this. Or should I say, I did have a pair. But mine weren't Converse. I wish, mind. Very expensive and good quality. You see this star, here?”

  The Pitbull and the prinny both leaned forward. I was starting to enjoy this. I felt like a forensic scientist pointing out fascinating and specialist facts on a murder weapon.

  “This is a trademark of the Converse company. There are a number of other companies that, quite illegally, attempt to copy a popular brand, including the trademark. I have to confess that I did own a bootleg version of a pair of Converse shoes, but the star was nothing like this. As you can see, this star is neatly and tightly stitched.”

  The Pitbull and the prinny both nodded. I think I had them hooked, like on the Antiques Roadshow—that public TV program where people bring in their antiques for expert evaluation. Pretty soon I was going to ask them how much they had paid for it and then tell them to insure it for two thousand dollars.

  “The star on my inferior copy was very badly stitched. It might have fooled a nonexpert at a distance, but close up it was an obvious fake. Another thing. The red on this shoe is of a very deep hue. That's quality dyeing. Mine was more of a dirty pink.”

  I tossed the shoe back onto the desk.

  “No. This is not my shoe, I'm afraid. Now, is there anything else I can help you with?”

  Just for a moment, I thought I was going to get away with it, that they were going to say, “No, that's all. You've been very helpful.” Unfortunately not. The principal leaned back in his chair and assumed his chief prosecutor expression.

  “You say you have a pair like this. Would it be too much trouble for you to bring them in?”

  I adopted a sorrowful expression.

  “I'm afraid that's impossible. You see, I was watching a documentary recently. An exposé on bootlegging. I was shocked to discover that many companies employ child labor in undeveloped countries to make poor quality copies of well-known brands. These children are exploited disgracefully and I realized that by buying these fakes I was contributing to their exploitation. So I took them to the Salvation Army. The shoes, not the children.”

  I could tell by the look on their faces that they knew I was lying through my teeth. To be honest, I was a touch annoyed. Did I look like the kind of person who wouldn't be moved by the story of child exploitation? I mean, what I had told them about the documentary was true. However, I couldn't really get too self-righteous since I was actually lying through my teeth about the rest. Miss Payne looked me up and down. I think the intention was to wither me with her contempt. However, when she reached my footwear her eyes nearly did one of those cartoon tricks where they come out on stalks.

  “And these… things… are now your preferred footwear, are they?”

  The three of us silently examined the monstrous white meringues on my feet.

  “They might not be pretty, Miss Payne,” I said in a voice dripping with sincerity, “but they are the genuine article. I might look a little strange in them, but I am prepared to put up with that, so long as I know that no children have suffered in their manufacture. Besides, they belonged to my father. My father who left me when I was in Year 6. They…,” I attempted a catch in my throat,”… have sentimental value.”

  What a bunch of garbage! I was starting to embarrass myself. But I could tell by the way the prinny and the Pitbull exchanged glances that they knew it was the end of the tenth round and they were way behind on points. Then I was worried that they'd ask me to take off my shoe and show them my foot. Not that it would have proved anything. I could have injured my foot in a thousand different ways other than having it used as a doggy chew. But after a moment of quiet reflection, I knew they couldn't really demand that I remove my footwear. It's one thing to search your bag, but quite another to demand that you expose parts of your anatomy to school authorities. Clearly, Mr. Di Matteo had come to the same conclusion because he swept an exasperated hand through his thinning hair, then waved at me to leave.

  I turned and walked slowly toward the door. I had just touched the handle when Miss Payne spoke again.

&nb
sp; “Just one minute, Miss Harrison. You seem to be walking in a very strange manner. If I didn't know better, I'd think that you had injured your foot in some way. Like being bitten by a dog, for example. Now, I know that this couldn't possibly have happened to you, but I want you to listen carefully, Miss Harrison. If I ever find out that you have been following any member of the staff—me, for instance—then I promise you that this won't just be a school matter. I will prosecute with the full force of the law. Do you understand me, Miss Harrison? In theory, I mean?”

  I tried a long-suffering glance of silent reproval.

  “Of course, Miss Payne. As far as my walk is concerned, I realize that my gait is consistent with an injury. However, without wishing to be indelicate, it is an unfortunate side effect of a certain feminine problem. You know, down there.”

  I loved the look on the principal's face as I turned to go. As I left the room, I heard the Pitbull say, “You should see the nurse, Miss Harrison!”

  Yeah, and you should see a plastic surgeon, I thought as I closed the door behind me.

  I filled Kiffo in at lunchtime. When I had finished, he turned to look at me, the flaming red hair standing up at bizarre angles, as always.

  “All right,” he said. “Time for you to take a backseat.”

  “Forget it,” I replied. “You don't get rid of me that easily. True, it's too dangerous for me to be lurking outside her place just at the moment. But she obviously didn't see you, Kiffo, or suspect that you were there last night. If she had, she'd have dragged you down to the prinny's as well. I think you should carry on as normal. I'll give it a few days and then join you, when things have settled down. In the meantime, I'll try and check out the Ferret guy. Mind you, I've no idea where to start!”

  Kiffo didn't even try to argue. He went back to kicking a football about while I pondered the problem. I kept on thinking all through science, which meant that I totally messed up the experiment and burned a large hole in a test tube with my Bunsen burner. The teacher had to spray my bench with that foam stuff and evacuate the classroom. The whole class was extremely pleased with this little drama and for a while they forgot to be horrible to me. Until Sarah Parker said, “She was probably dreaming about the Pitbull! Love does that to you.” She clearly thought that she was an expert on that subject, since she had been going out with Clayton Rioli for about a month.