Moongazer

by Mari Mancusi

  The others follow suit. "To the moon!" they chorus.

  I realize I'm just standing there, watching them, totally stalling on my own trip to the moon. As if I don't really want to go back. Stupid. I take a deep puff from my inhaler and head down the hallway and toward the 'Gazing boths. I remember my first time walking through this corridor. How lost and confused I had been. I had no idea where I was. Or even who I was. Has it gotten any clearer?

  I square my shoulders as I approach room 12. Clarity doesn't matter at this point. I'm through with Oz.

  I'm clicking my ruby-red heels three times and returning home.

  So why do I suddenly feel more like the Cowardly Lion than the heroic Dorothy? And I wonder just who is the Wizard behind the curtain.

  12

  I woke up in my bedroom, not screaming from a nightmare, no cold sweat soaking through my clothes, no anxious boyfriend by my side. Just a dark room with a glowing clock illuminating the hour of 9:00 p.m. At least the Moongaze had dropped me off safe and sound in my own abode. How it was able to pinpoint where I lived and send me there, I had no idea, but I didn't want to know. I was just glad to be home.

  Though, the whole thing did make me wonder: How did it work for real Terrans? Were they allocated an apartment or a house before they 'Gazed? That seemed unlikely, especially for the ones who were just visiting. Maybe they got assigned hotel rooms to wake up in. Or was there an arrival platform somewhere? A Grand Central 'Gazing Station perhaps? But then, why would I wake up here and not there? Were all Terrans dumped in NYC for that matter? Or were they spread out around the country? Or the world, even. I guess it wouldn't be a bad thing to end up in the Big Apple.

  Here they wouldn't have to worry about not fitting in, as no one knows their neighbors anyway. And what were a few extra bodies in a city of eight million? The cash the government gave them on arrival probably really came in handy. Did they get identification documents as well? A black market immigration operation just for Terrans? And once they had their docs, did they go get jobs? Were there Terrans living and breathing and working among us? I wondered if any of them worked at ChixOr.

  I shook my head. It didn't matter. I was back and supposed to be concentrating on my real life from here on out. The Moongazing Terrans would have to take care of themselves. Their reality was fading, even now.

  I slipped out of bed and padded around my small apartment, taking in all my treasures that I'd left behind. I picked up my stuffed bear Melvin and hugged him against my body, triggering a memory of buying him on a trip to Tahoe last year. But for some reason now that trip seemed distant. Almost ... generic. I could remember going, but I couldn't recall any of the details of what happened. No quirky anecdote to share.

  I glanced over at the posters hanging on my wall. Star Wars, The Matrix, Blade Runner. My eyes caught on the last one, squinting in confusion. Blade Runner? But the movie was Phaze Runner. I'd seen it a thousand times. There was no way I'd confuse the title. Did I buy the wrong poster? Some Japanese import or something? But no. The last time I was in my bedroom it was definitely Phaze Runner. I'd bet my life on it.

  What was going on here?

  Unnerved, I dropped Melvin back on the bed and headed to my bookcase, pulling a book out at random. I knew I'd read the fantasy epic in my hands a hundred times. I could see my ink-stained fingerprints at the page edges, the folded corners where I'd left off for the night. But while I had an overall impression regarding what the book was about, it wasn't in any greater detail than what was written on the back cover.

  I set the book down, a panicky feeling fluttering through my insides. Everything in my room, all my precious possessions tied up with memories and meaning suddenly seemed fake and altered, flat, one-dimensional, almost an obscene parody of a character I was supposed to be playing. I was in a cliché apartment of a twenty-something video-game-designer geek. I had the sci-fi posters, the fantasy epics, the killer computer. It could have been a movie set.

  I grabbed my photo album, plopping into a butterfly chair and flipping through to find pictures of my parents and quell the fear bubbling to my throat. I took a deep breath and forced myself to focus on the people in the pictures. Smiling. Waving. But were these shiny, happy people really Mom and Dad, or just some random folks that came with the album?

  I felt sick. I threw the book across the room and jumped from the chair to make a dash for the bathroom. My stomach heaved and I barely made it to the toilet in time. I threw up violently. Hacking. Coughing up something I didn't remember eating. Then I sank to my knees and leaned my head against the porcelain seat, sobbing my eyes out.

  What was I doing? Why was I freaking out like this? I knew going back to reality might take a little adjustment, but I had no idea it'd be this hard for my brain to accept. Was I losing my mind? I should be dancing around my apartment, overjoyed to be back, instead of doubting all the things I'd trusted throughout my life.

  This was my stuff. My reality. My life. It was Terra that I didn't remember. Terra that I should mistrust. So how come memories of Terra suddenly seemed so solid and real and those of Earth so fake?

  A vision of Dawn, of his beautiful glowing eyes, his comforting smile, his warm embrace, flooded my memories. If only he were here. If only he had come back with me and could comfort me in my terror, tell me everything was going to be all right. But Dawn was gone from my life forever. That was my choice, and now I had to live with it. I had another man here on Earth who loved me very much and would be overjoyed to have me back. My real boyfriend, Craig. A popular techno DJ at a Lower East Side club.

  The club-kid gamer and her DJ boyfriend. My life really did seem a cliché.

  Desperate, I rummaged through my pocket and took a whiff of my inhaler. After all, the medication supposedly helped bond the body with the new reality of Earth. The more I puffed, the more real Earth would seem. Maybe that's what I needed. I took a second dose, breathing in deeply, just in case.

  A few minutes later, the medication kicked in. My breathing slowed and my heart stopped racing. The panic receded to the back of my brain and I rose to my feet to, once again, take stock of my surroundings. My reality.

  I stepped into my bedroom. I was home. Everything was as it should be. I was just having a panic attack from the transition. But I was okay now. All that I owned was here and familiar. My teddy bear, my family photos, my well-worn books, my computer. They were all suddenly teeming with resonance. Feeling better, I crawled into bed and stuck my feet deep under the quilt my aunt had made me. Snuggled into my pillow and closed my eyes.

  Everything was going to be okay. I was safe. I was home. I was me again.

  So why did it take sucking down a drug to make me feel that way?

  I slept for nearly twenty-four hours. When I woke, I was still feeling out of sorts-itchy and uncomfortable in my own skin. I sucked down more asthma medication. It was the only thing keeping me from going completely insane. I lay in bed for hours, staring up at the ceiling, wondering if I'd made a huge mistake. I should be happy to be home, but all I could think about was Dawn. His hurt, pained eyes, his cracking voice as he said good-bye. Sure, I wanted my old life back, but being so distant from him-knowing I'd never see him again-it was tearing me apart.

  I slept. I woke. I ate a few random things I had in my cabinets. Then I slept again. It wasn't till my third day back that I finally forced myself out of bed. My answering machine was blinking madly, filled with messages from work and Craig. I was going to be even more behind on my game than I ever thought possible, but for some reason I couldn't bring myself to care. It was just a video game, right? Nothing that would bring on the salvation of our world.

  But while work could wait, I realized I couldn't reasonably put off Craig any longer. His messages had grown more frequent, more worried. He'd even come to my door at one point, but I couldn't bear to drag myself over to let him in. I felt sick and weak and drugged, and I missed Dawn with every fiber of my being.

  But I had to put him b
ehind me and regain some semblance of control over my life. My real life. So I decided to face reality and head down to Luna to find Craig. I'd apologize for all I'd put him through, and assure him that from here on out he would have a normal girlfriend who didn't disappear for days on end. Hopefully he'd accept my apology. Hopefully I'd fall back in love with him and forget Dawn's haunted face.

  I threw on some clothes-skinny jeans, slouchy boots, a long black belted sweater-and walked out of my apartment. As I locked my door behind me, I noticed a discarded bag of moldy vegetarian food sitting outside my place. My heart sank as I remembered I'd invited Craig to come over right before I'd gotten pulled back to Terra. Poor guy. Here he'd been waiting for me and I was off in some alternate universe, throwing myself at another guy. How long did he stand out here knocking before giving up and going home? I really had to find him and make good.

  I headed down the elevator and into my lobby. "Good evening, Skye," the doorman said as I stepped out.

  But I didn't have a doorman. And wasn't this building a walk-up last time I was here? When did we get elevators?

  God, what was happening to me?

  The night was warm, and a full moon shone down on the streets of Manhattan. The sky was so bright, in fact, you could even manage to make out a star or two.

  Unusual, in the city. Hurried people hustled up and down the sidewalks, anxious to get to the next restaurant, the next bar, the next place to see and be seen. All were living empty existences-just like the Indys back on Terra. I reached into my purse and handed a bum on the sidewalk a ten-dollar bill.

  I headed down into the subway, ready for a ridiculous wait. To my surprise, the train came immediately, pulling up just as I stepped onto the platform. What luck! And it wasn't even packed like the normal can of sardines. Unheard of for a Saturday night. The other people seemed surprised, too. At least I wasn't the only one who noticed the change.

  I emerged just south of Alphabet City and headed down Houston to Luna. As usual, the club was packed and the line wrapped halfway around the block. I found myself staring at the club-goers more closely this time, wondering which ones were Terrans and which were regular Earthers. All I could tell was that the 80s look had caught on big-time. Nearly everyone sported legwarmers, long sweaters and leggings. What sheep! I caught a few teen girls pointing at me and whispering. Probably Terrans, recognizing Mariah. Super.

  I headed to the front of the line, where Bruno was attending the door. "Hey, baby!" he said, wrapping me in a huge hug. "Where have you been all my life?"

  "You wouldn't believe me if I told you, Bruno," I said, forcing a casual laugh. "But I'm back now. For good."

  "Well, I'm glad to hear it," he said. "Craig's been going nuts without you, and the crowd's starting to pick up on bad mixes and skipping records. You guys have a fight or something?"

  "It's a long story. But I'm here to make it up to him."

  Bruno nodded approvingly and unclipped the velvet rope. "Enjoy the make-up sex," he said with a toothy grin. "That's the best part."

  I laughed, waved off his suggestion, and stepped inside. The thought of sex was too much for me to even consider at this point. Not with me hanging on to reality by a thread.

  You just would rather have sex with Dawn, that inner voice jeered. I shoved it to the back of my brain. That might have been true, but it wasn't a thought I was prepared to deal with at the moment. What brief closeness 1 had with Dawn, that was over forever. It was time to leave the dream behind and bond with reality. Get closer to Craig. Renew our relationship. Find happiness with the man I was with. Not the man I had left behind.

  I pushed my way through the club and soon found myself in the center of the room, lights flashing, bass pounding, people dancing. I knew I should head straight to the DJ booth, find Craig, and work it all out, but I realized I wasn't quite ready to face him just yet. I'd dance a bit first, I decided. Then I'd go talk to him when he was on a break. After all, I always felt better after dancing, after letting thunderous jungle beats flow through me, losing myself in the rhythm.

  And so I danced. Became one with the others on the dance floor, swaying my hips, swinging my arms, nodding my head, trying to find my true self somewhere in the music. Trying to seek out even a moment of peace and thoughtlessness.

  It used to work wonders back in the day; on the dance floor I could shut off my mind and allow the music to take me to a higher plane of existence. To night, my mind wasn't surrendering that easy. Instead of retreating to a high mountain of unconscious-bliss, it chose to stay firmly on the ground, rehashing images of Terra. The Dark Siders. Dawn.

  I stopped short as a vision slammed through my consciousness: Dawn's tortured eyes, as clear as if they were blinking right in front of me. I smelled his fear. Felt his horror. Heard him call my name-Skye, not Mariah. He was begging for my help.

  It was as if the wind had been knocked out of me. Was this some kind of premonition? Was something wrong on Terra? Had the government done something? Were people being hurt? Was it because of my leaving?

  I shook my head. I had to give it a rest. I was back on Earth. I had to forget Terra. It wasn't my world. It wasn't my fight. I had my own shit to deal with. An angry boyfriend, a ton of unfinished work-the last thing I needed to be worrying about was Terra.

  But something inside me wouldn't allow me to let it go. I couldn't dry-swallow the blue pill now that I'd partaken of the red. Now that I knew about Terra, I'd never be able to forget. Those people-how they suffered. My mind flashed back to the little mutant schoolgirl, Crystal, who'd wrapped her scrawny arms around my legs and thanked me. How could I have left her behind? And for what? I looked around the room. For this empty shell of a life I led? Clubbing, video-gaming, shallow relationships with people who didn't mean anything. I was just as bad as the Indys on Terra.

  "Sister Mariah!" A girl's voice cut through the loud music. I turned, surprised to be addressed that way. Two teenage girls, dressed in matching short skirts and thigh-high stockings, stood behind me. At first glance, they could be club kids. But I realized they must be Indy teens out for a night of 'Gazing.

  "Now you've done it," the second girl said, kicking her friend. "We're supposed to be staying in character, remember? What if she tells on us?"

  "Please. It's Sister Mariah. She's not going to tell on us. Are you? She looked up at me beseechingly.

  "No. I won't tell," I say. "But maybe you two should run along-"

  "Wow," interrupted the first girl, her eyes glistening under the flashing lights. "I had no idea you'd be here. All the news feeds said you'd been kidnapped by the Dark Siders."

  "Yeah, the government has been doing everything to try to find you, Mariah!" said the second girl, who sported long brown braids. "There's, like, a huge reward and everything."

  "There is?" Not surprising, I guess.

  "And, of course, those weirdo Dark Siders are so getting punished for stealing you away," added the first girl, tossing her long blond ponytail over her shoulder.

  "Which is so totally stupid," complained the second girl. "I mean, if the Dark Siders all die, who's going to mine the tellurium? And then how are people going to 'Gaze?"

  "Puh-leeze. They've gotta have some kind of other plan in mind. They're, like, the Circle of Eight, right? Anyway, I'd simply die if I couldn't 'Gaze anymore!" lamented girl number one. "I mean, what else is there for fun these days?" She gestured to the club. "It's so awesome here, don't you agree, Mariah? I'm super psyched you made it back."

  "Yeah," agreed her friend. "Are you here for good? I want to move here, but my parents say I have to wait till I'm eighteen. They're so old-fashioned."

  I held up my hands to slow them down. "Wait a second," I said. "Did you say the Dark Siders are dying?"

  The girls nodded in sync. "Yeah," says girl number two. "And they totally deserve it, too, for what they did to you. I heard from my friend that they've started pumping in this slow-acting poison gas through the ventilation fans down on Stratum 2." She s
hook her head. "Which is totally short-sighted, in my opinion. I mean, what, do they want to kill off the Dark Siders and then have the Indys start to mine or something? As if!"

  "They wouldn't make Indys mine!" girl number one retorted, rolling her eyes. "They'll just, like, get some of the nTs to do it. If you ask me, that should have been done a long time ago. NTs would produce so much more than those lazy mutant freaks."

  "Wait, wait, hang on a second," I cried, my heart pounding. I imagined the little mutant children gasping for breath in their one-room schoolhouse, the brittle-boned senior citizens collapsing in the market square. Dawn, alone, lying in bed, choking on his last breath. "Why would they poison the Dark Siders?"

  "They think the Dark Siders kidnapped you, of course," said girl number two, as if I were the slow kid. "Which is ridiculous, 'cause obviously you're here!" She grinned. "Will you party with us tonight, Mariah? Our friends will be so impressed when we tell them we hung with a legend like yourself."

  "Sorry. I've ... I've got to go," I stammered. "Um, are there ... Moongazing booths around here somewhere?" Or was I supposed to use the necklace? I should have asked more questions ...

  "Yeah, up in the VIP lounge," said girl number one. "Well, they don't look like the booths back in Terra, though. They're just chairs. Sit in a chair and activate your necklace. You'll be back in no time."

  "But do you have to go now?" whined girl number two. "Can't you hang with us first?"

  "Yeah, hang with us!" begs girl number one. "Supposedly Paris Hilton is going to show up tonight. And she might dance on tables. How cool would that be?"

  "I think it's Paris Milton," I muttered, but suddenly I wasn't so sure.

  "Sorry, girls," I said, backing away. "It was great to meet you." I turned and made a dash for the VIP section. The chairs? Of course. That's exactly where I was sitting when I was transported to Terra the first time. I ran through the club, pushing past sweaty bodies, ignoring the protests of the jostled dancers. No time for apologies; I had to get to the lounge.