"I came with my friend and her boyfriend. What are you doing here?"
"I came to return this dress my aunt bought me. It's gross. Where have you been?"
"You dumped me remember?"
"You didn't want me after I started seeing my ex. He dumped me anyway."
Tracy was not sure if it was an invitation or not, but she was too excited to lose her confidence now.
"That sucks. You think you're gonna get back together?" Tracy asked.
"Not this time. I'm over him."
"I hope so."
The line moved forward and Sabrina stepped up to place her milkshake order. Tracy looked over and saw Mike and Chloe getting up to throw their trash away and knew she had run out of time.
"I gotta get out of here but I'll call you later?"
"Yeah, you better."
Tracy left the girl smiling at the register and rejoined her group. Seeing Sabrina made her remember how much fun she used to have, but Chloe was not aware of their friendship. It was one of the many things that Tracy kept to herself which made it that much more exciting.
Running into Sabrina had lit a fire in Tracy. She wanted to see her again as soon as she could. Their relationship had ended against her will, but she did not feel entitled to a fight with Sabrina. Tracy knew what she was getting into when her and Sabrina hooked up. Trying to hold her down was like trying to catch a bird. Tracy wasn't ready to let go, but she did because she didn't want to force Sabrina to stay somewhere she did not want to be.
There were times when Tracy envied Sabrina for her strength and willingness to be different. She walked proudly not caring what anyone thought about her clothes or her hair. Sabrina spoke from the heart. She had passion and it was electrifying to be in her presence.
As soon as Tracy got into the house after school she dropped her bookbag in her room and ran back out the door. She was not sure if Sabrina would be happy to see her pop up on her front doorstep, but Tracy had to see her again. Sabrina looked excited when Tracy had left her the night before, but that did not mean she wanted her to stop by her house. When Tracy reached Via Street she began to feel silly. It may have been a better idea to call first, but that would ruin the surprise. Tracy hadn't been to Sabrina's home in months. She could have moved by now. Tracy tried to put the negative thoughts out of her head and continued down the street.
The houses alternated from blue to yellow to red as Tracy made her way down the block. Her heart began to race thinking about how Sabrina may react to her showing up uninvited. The idea of being rejected and having to walk back home made Tracy's stomach twist into a knot. She thought it might be a good idea to turn and go back now before Sabrina found out she was ever there but it was freezing cold. Tracy had to know how Sabrina really felt before she got too wound up thinking they had some kind of future together.
The porch steps creaked from the pressure of Tracy's boots. It was too late to turn back now. She rang the bell and waited a minute before hitting the buzzer a second time. Tracy could hear a muffled voice on the other side of the door before it swung open. Sabrina stood there dressed in her school uniform which startled Tracy. She had never seen Sabrina look so preppy and the clashing ideas made Tracy laugh.
"Hey!" Sabrina shrieked and waved Tracy inside the house.
"What are you wearing?"
"Don't get me started on this stupid uniform. My school started this new thing. Now freshmen, sophomores, and juniors have to wear uniforms. I held a protest, but everyone else was conforming. They're completely brainwashed."
"You can't fight everything."
"I tried, but three people can't change the school board and my mother wants me to get an education. I can't believe her of all people wouldn't support me!"
"Uniforms aren't the worst thing."
"What?"
"Well, forcing everyone to wear them refocuses the students on their education instead of fashion. I think education is a worthy cause."
"I still think it sends the wrong message. Force us to make the right decisions by stripping us of our other options. It's not exactly the message I'm trying to get behind. I'm all for education, but the education they're giving us is pretty one-sided anyway."
Sabrina could talk politics better than any adult Tracy knew. She was smart but not pretentious. Sassy may have been the best way to describe her. Sabrina was driven and completely different from most other people Tracy knew. She had her own thoughts and ideas and she had no problem voicing them. It was beautiful to watch her flick her hands around in circles while she attempted to articulate her points. Tracy followed some of it, but after a few minutes she got lost.
"I'm going to change. I can't stand to be in this thing anymore. I'm getting mad just talking about it," Sabrina said.
"You look cute."
Sabrina turned to cut her eyes at Tracy before going up to the second floor. Tracy sat on the couch eyeing the sculptures on the side tables in the living room. The pieces were carved from wood and shaped like curvy women with the facial features missing. They matched the paintings on the wall—curvy women without faces—dancing, singing, and one appeared to be crying. The room was vibrant and full of color.
It felt like a home although Sabrina's mother was never there. Tracy had been in the house a couple times, but Sabrina's mother was always at work. Sabrina didn't have any siblings. She had often described her own life as a mistake. Her mother had fallen in love with a married man and nine months later she arrived. He never fit into the picture. She had said when Tracy asked about her dad. Sabrina didn't resent her father the way Tracy did. She just accepted the fact that he was not a participant in her life.
"Tracy!"
Tracy followed the voice to the bottom of the stairs but did not see Sabrina's face.
"Yeah?"
"Come here."
Tracy went up to find Sabrina lying on her bed with her laptop.
"What do you think about these?"
Tracy crawled up next to Sabrina and looked at the earrings on the screen. She wondered how many earrings Sabrina owned. It was like her signature. Tracy had never been interested in jewelry, but Sabrina wore it well.
"How many earrings do you think you need?"
"You sound like Josh."
Tracy scoffed at the idea of being compared to Sabrina's ex. Up until that day he had always been referred to as the ex. He never had a name or personality. Sabrina had only brought him up to complain about him and even then Tracy liked to imagine he was not real. He was a piece of her history. He was the ongoing joke they made to keep things light, but now Sabrina was saying that they were similar. That couldn't be right. The guy who cheated on Sabrina every chance he got could not be anything like Tracy.
The thought annoyed her because in that moment she realized she was a lot like Josh. Here she was lying in bed with her ex instead of her own boyfriend. It was not the first time either. Sabrina had come to her in the past to escape from Josh and Tracy never resisted. She put Sabrina down whenever she found someone new. They had been doing that since they both met. Josh was the boyfriend and she was the fling.
"Don't compare me to him," Tracy said.
"I wasn't comparing. I was just saying—, I don't think you're anything like Josh."
Tracy wished Sabrina would stop saying his name. She had said it more times in the past five minutes than she had in the past year. What was her obsession with this guy?
Sabrina stopped clicking the pictures and turned to face Tracy.
"I think you're amazing," Sabrina said.
She kissed Tracy before she could respond. Sabrina held Tracy's face and kissed her more passionately than MD had ever been able to kiss her. Tracy wrapped her arm around Sabrina's waist and squeezed her so close that she could not move.
"I've missed you so much," Tracy said.
"I missed you too."
The line had been crossed and Tracy didn't intend to stop there. She felt a connection to Sabrina that she never got to feel with MD. It was s
tronger than any emotion she had felt in a while. Tracy knew she had to enjoy every moment she had with Sabrina because it did not take Sabrina long to get bored and move on.
"You want to be my valentine?" Sabrina asked.
"Seriously, Brina?"
"I'm dead serious."
"I don't think I've ever had a real valentine. Not officially or anything."
"Well you're mine now."
"I guess I am."
Chapter 12
There was a table set up with a pink sign labeled VALENTINE'S DAY CARNATIONS in the front of the cafeteria. The poster was decorated with flowers and arrow pierced hearts. Students lined up to give their cash in exchange for a floral delivery to their valentine. Tracy walked past the table on her way to meet John. Technically she had a valentine, possibly two if she counted her current boyfriend, but she had no intention of sending him a carnation. Tracy could not send any flowers to Sabrina because they only delivered to students at the school. She considered sending some flowers to her own homebase and hand delivering them to Sabrina, but it was easier to just pick her up something after school.
It was surprising that Sabrina even wanted to be her valentine. Tracy had always assumed that Sabrina would be against the commercialized holiday, but deep down she was still a girl. She wanted to be loved just like Tracy did. This was why they had originally found each other and continued to find each other.
The cafeteria was buzzing with students talking about their plans for the upcoming weekend. Tracy found John thumbing through a comic book. He didn't move when she sat down at the table.
"What are you looking at?" Tracy asked.
"You really want to know?" John asked.
"No, not really."
"I'm surprised you're not with lover boy."
"Please. I haven't really spoken to him."
This was a lie. MD had called her the night before and they spoke for a few minutes. It was nothing Tracy wanted to dwell on. She was doing a decent job of avoiding MD most of the time and she still had not mentioned her developing relationship with Sabrina.
"Sounds like trouble in paradise," he said.
"No trouble. I'm just not interested."
"That was fast."
"It happens I guess."
Tracy found her snack cake inside her bookbag. Skipping the school lunch had allowed her to save almost thirty bucks. Once she got to one hundred she would go splurge at the mall again. Her mother was not aware that she was not eating the school lunches. If she found out she might cut Tracy's allowance off completely. In a few months she would be old enough to go get a real job and then she could buy all the sweaters she wanted.
"You think you're gonna break up with him?" he asked.
"I don't know yet. I'm still figuring it out."
"Right."
"Are you going to order a carnation for someone special?"
"I'm not really into that kind of thing."
"You're trying to tell me you don't like anyone at all?"
"I don't know. It's kind of weird."
"Girls like stuff like that."
"You would be happy if a guy sent you a carnation?"
"I doubt I'll be getting any, but it would be nice."
"I'm sure Mohammed will send you a dozen."
"Oh please."
MD had not mentioned Valentine's Day at all. A part of Tracy wanted to believe that he was saving a surprise for her, but she knew better than to expect it. She would see Sabrina and that was the best present she could ask for.
Tracy and Sabrina had been spending every day together since they saw each other at the mall. It had become Tracy's routine to get off the bus, drop her bag off at home, and walk a few streets over to Sabrina's house. Janet never questioned it. She thought Sabrina was strange, but she did not dislike her or find her suspicious.
The two of them would spend the afternoon laughing, talking, and fooling around. Then, Tracy lied on Sabrina's chest listening to her heart beat. A few times she had fallen asleep and woke up a few minutes before curfew. She ran all the way home hoping her mother was still asleep. Janet hadn't said too much about it though.
As long as Tracy wasn't out with a boy it did not matter. Never mind the fact that Sabrina and Tracy were left unattended for hours on end. Janet must have thought Sabrina was Tracy's best friend and she was. She made her laugh about things that they should have been crying about. They found peace in each other's arms.
"You think I'm a cheater?" Tracy asked.
"No. I don't think it counts with a girl. I slept with girls when I was with Josh. It doesn't matter."
"You've been with other girls?"
"Yeah, a few."
All this time Tracy had thought she was the first and the only. Sabrina was the only girl she had ever been with. It felt special when she thought she was the only one.
"I've only been with you."
"You've been with two other people besides me."
"Yeah but they're guys."
"Well, I've only been with one guy, you and a couple other girls I met."
"This was after we met?"
"Yeah."
Tracy sat up on the bed to face Sabrina. She couldn't be sure that she was hearing her correctly. It had only been a few months since they broke things off and she had slept with three people.
"You broke up with me to be with Josh and then slept with two other girls instead of calling me. You don't think that's strange?"
"Relax. They didn't mean anything to me. I met them in passing. It was no big deal."
"Did Josh think it was a big deal?"
"He doesn't want to share me. I told you that. He doesn't care if it's a man or woman. He is just selfish."
"You're one to talk."
"Come on. You met people and had whatever fun. I don't criticize you. You're dating this boring freaking blob and you don't even love him, but I don't judge you. What we have has nothing to do with what you or I have with anyone else."
Dating a girl was supposed to be easier. They were supposed to understand each other in ways that no guy could, but Tracy didn't understand this. Sabrina was just making up the rules as she went along. She had little regard for who she hurt as long as she was satisfied at the moment. Sabrina and Tracy were one in the same in that way. They were both hurting someone to satisfy their deepest desires. The worst part was Tracy did not feel guilty about hurting MD. She recognized that she should feel guilty, but she couldn't find the energy to care.
The last thing Tracy wanted to do was go to school on Valentine's Day. Everyone was buzzing around the entrance with their new gifts and treats. Just about every student had a flower or box of candy in their hand. Tracy stopped to greet her boyfriend on the way to the front door, but he did not offer her anything. She did not ask him if he got her anything because she did not want to ruin the surprise. It was possible that he did not want to hand her a gift in front of his friends.
"Hey, Tracy!"
Chloe was yelling before Tracy could get past the statue. She had two gifts in her hand which was not surprising. Most of the girls in the circle were carrying something.
"Where is your gift?"
"I'm pretty sure he didn't get me anything."
"I'm going to kill him."
"It's whatever. Look at you! Your man got it right."
"Yes, he knows better."
"Still no kissing?"
"We're kissing! Finally."
"You guys are too cute."
Tracy couldn't help but feel a little jealous. Chloe had gotten her dream guy. He was kind, attractive, and knew how to pick a decent gift. The girls swooned watching all the guys coming in with teddy bears under their arms.
"I hate Valentine's Day," Tracy said.
"You shouldn't hate Valentine's Day. You should hate your man because he sucks."
"I always knew he was no prince charming."
"But don't you deserve to be happy?"
Tracy sighed. She wondered how many times she had had this conv
ersation concerning MD. How much of a fool did she have to be to stay with this guy? Something was keeping her there though. It was too difficult to let him go because she knew there was nobody else she could run to for companionship. There was no one besides Sabrina who was as fickle as the wind.
The students groaned when the bell rang.
"This freaking year is too long. I can't take it," Chloe said.
"The marking period is almost over, Tracy said.
They followed the crowd into the school and split in the main corridor. Tracy found her homebase the same as every other day. The same kids were playing board games and this was a relief. At least she had one period of normalcy before the nonstop reminders of how great everyone else's relationship was going.
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY was written on the chalkboard and Mrs. Jones had on a red dress with matching lipstick. Other than that the class was oblivious to what was going on in the outside world. At Roosevelt Valentine's Day was not this big, but everything was an event at Jefferson—prom, homecoming, assemblies, spirit week, the list was ongoing. It was a real high school and usually Tracy was proud to be there, but today was a constant reminder of what she wanted but could not have.
Tracy sat at her desk staring into her copy of Fences. She had an English quiz but did not have much time to study the night before because she was with Sabrina. She was spending most of her afternoons with Sabrina and by the time she got home she had only a few hours to eat, clean, and do homework before passing out. For the most part everything got done, but she could not afford to mess up in this class. The marking period was nearly over and she wanted to keep her grades as high as possible. She had managed to maintain As in every class except English and Global Studies which was absolutely ridiculous considering it was just a bunch of reading. The best she had done in either was a B+ but those Bs were nagging her. It was like the teachers were taunting her because they knew she wanted it so badly. She had never been a B student before and her chances of getting into college depended on her efforts here.
A knock at the door made everyone lift their heads up. Tracy swallowed hard when she saw the girls standing outside her homebase with carnations. She hoped there was a bouquet for her. Maybe MD hadn't forgotten about her.
Moving On Without You Page 9
