Fool Me Once

by Brittany Crowley

  His company’s really taken off since he moved here three years ago and the fact that people look to him as a role model is something to be proud of. I’m extremely proud of him.

  After I drop Hazel off at preschool and get to the store, my phone rings. I immediately know who it is, he’s like clockwork.

  “Morning,” I cheerily greet Nate.

  “Morning baby. How’s everything going?” I give him a rundown of our morning and ask how his events going.

  “It’s going great. I should be hopping on a plane later tonight and see you in the morning.”

  “Good, I can’t stand waking up alone. I miss you.”

  “Miss you too. I have to go do another presentation, I’ll call you before I get on the plane.”

  “Okay, love you.”

  “Love you too. Give little H a kiss for me.” I agree to do so and hang up.

  By the time the afternoon rolls around, Monique sends me home stating she can’t stand seeing me mope anymore. I can’t help it, I miss Nate. I decide to pick Hazel up from daycare early and spend some time outside at the beach. When we pull into the driveway, we see Carter cleaning his car.

  “Why don’t you come over for dinner tonight? I’m sure I can whip something up… or order takeout,” he chuckles.

  “Yeah, that sounds nice. We’re gonna swim for a bit, you can meet us when you’re done if you want?”

  Carter tells us we’ll see him soon and we head home to get our suits on. Hazel’s excited to play with some of her new water toys, and I’m looking forward to soaking in as much sun as I possibly can.

  When Carter walks down my strip of the beach, I can enjoy the sun a little more knowing he’s keeping an eye on our daughter. I watch them from my lounge chair and smile. They’re arguing about Hazel going into the ocean and catching a dolphin. It’s funny to watch him figure out how to reel in her overactive imagination. Something I’m completely used to at this point.

  Finally, after bribing her with going to the aquarium this weekend, she gives up her dream of catching a real-life dolphin. I get up from my chair and make my way towards the water to cool off. It’s not too bad outside, but after sitting in the heat for a while, I find myself needing some relief from the heat.

  Carter’s wearing his aviators, but there’s no mistaking that he’s taking in my body from head to toe. I’m wearing a modest, black one piece that plunges down in the cleavage. I’m still not that confident in my body after having Hazel and like to hide my tummy.

  I pretend not to notice and dip my toes into the water. Hazel’s right beside me ready to battle some waves with me.

  “Hold my hand baby.” I grab her little fingers and go knee deep, holding on to her, so she doesn’t fall from the crashing waves. Carter walks up on her other side and grabs Hazel’s other hand. With a quick smile, we cart her through the waves while she can’t contain her giggles.

  “Let’s head back to my place. I’ll order some pizza.”

  “Sounds good. You know how much Hazel loves pizza,” I laugh when she starts jumping around excitedly.

  Several hours later, our bellies are full, and Hazel’s passed out on Carter’s couch. She’s had a busy day between school and the beach. I’d pass out on the couch too if I could.

  “We should get going,” I whisper to Carter.

  “Nah, why don’t you come out back with me for a minute? We can put pillows up to box her in.” He grabs several throw pillows and puts them on the edge of the couch, so the sleeping angel can’t roll off.

  “Okay, but just a minute, I need to get her home to bed.”

  I follow Carter to his outside deck. It’s really gorgeous out here even though he doesn’t have the same view of the ocean I do. He has a massive backyard that’s been well maintained.

  We stand side by side, both arms propped on the railing for several minutes before he starts talking.

  “These past few months have been surreal. I never thought I’d be in my daughter’s life and now I can’t imagine going a day without her.”

  “That’s awesome Carter. I’m truly happy you guys have such a great bond.”

  “I have you to thank for that. If you didn’t give me a chance to get to know her, I don’t know where I’d be right now. After Benji passed, I felt myself spiraling. In a way, you two saved me. Saying thank you doesn’t seem like enough.

  “It is.” I go to walk back inside, but Carter grabs my arm, pulling me back to the edge of the deck.

  “Do you know how hard it is to see you with him? To watch you kiss Nate in the driveway when he leaves for work or watch how he touches you?”

  I can’t believe he’s doing this now. He’s been back in our lives for six months and other than the night of Hazel’s birthday party, things have been relatively calm. I counted that night as a fluke.

  Now he wants to shake everything up?

  Honestly, I didn’t think he was interested in me that way anymore. He’s treated me more like a friend than anything else, never made a move on me or hinted at his feelings. I figured after he’d seen me with Nate so much he had moved on. I know he’s been out with Monique on more than one occasion.

  “Don’t do this Carter,” I whisper.

  “Do you remember how it used to be?” He takes a step closer to me. “We’d be in bed from sunup to sundown discovering each other’s bodies. I used to be able to kiss and suck every inch of your skin knowing exactly what made you go wild for me.”

  “That was a long time ago.” My voice shakes as he gets closer.

  “Bullshit, I remember like it was yesterday. You loved me… love me still. What we had is more than anything you’ll ever have with Nate.”

  Him saying Nate’s name is the equivalent of pouring ice water on my head. Who does he think he is telling me how I feel? He has no clue.

  “That’s where you’re wrong. Nate’s everything to me. I’ll repeat myself again, don’t do this.”

  “You don’t want this?” he asks with his lips a breath from mine.

  I shake my head no.

  “Prove it.”

  Carter catches me by surprise when he tugs on my arm and my chest slams to his. His mouth is on mine and his tongues trying to seek entry inside. Surprisingly his kiss is soft and familiar. It brings back so many memories of the summer we shared together all those years ago. For a second I find myself moving my lips across his. I snap out of it before his tongue reaches mine and push on his chest to shove him away. We separate, and I stare at Carter in a world of hurt over him putting me in this predicament.

  “How could you? If you care for me like you say, you wouldn’t have done that,” I whisper then run into the house, grab Hazel and hurry over to my place. At the door, I turn around and see Carter standing in his open doorway with both hands on the door jam. Staring like he wants to run after us.

  How could he?

  ***

  My heart physically hurts, and when I talk to Nate before he gets on his plane ride home, he knows something’s up. He asks if everything is okay and I say yes. I lie. Everything is not okay.

  I kissed another man. A man that wasn’t Nate. It’s so easy to ignore my past with Carter when he’s not reminding me of it. When he’s in the role of Hazel’s daddy, all I see him as is a friend.

  Damn Carter and bringing up old memories. Making me remember how we were when we were together. I truly believe that if Carter and I had happened a few years later, we’d still be happy and in love.

  I need a night to myself. A night to process everything that happened tonight and how it changes everything. Everything. I find myself praying that when I come clean to Nate about the kiss that he doesn’t leave me.

  It’s ironic how this morning I woke up missing Nate in my bed and tonight all I want is to be by myself.

  Chapter 31

  I twirl in front of the mirror trying to see every angle. The skirt of my brand-new cherry red dress lifts slightly with the momentum, and it makes me smile. I feel beautiful, I feel like
the old me.

  There’s a whistle, and I turn towards my open doorway to find Carter watching me. “You’re beautiful.”

  I don’t respond, but I’m sure he sees the scarlet staining my cheeks.

  He stands there watching me for several minutes as I put on my earrings and change my necessities to a small black clutch. Once it starts to get awkward because I know he’s checking me out, I turn and gear the conversation into safer waters.

  “She just went down which is really early for her. She may wake up in a bit, but I’m hoping she’s down for the night. There’s plenty of milk in the fridge and…”

  “Lexi…” Carter walks towards me, and I wish he’d keep his distance. After the kiss that shouldn’t have happened the other night, my emotions are heightened, and I’d prefer if he played the role of co-parent instead of fighting lover.

  “Don’t.”

  “I know where everything is and how to get her back to sleep. Everything is almost okay.”

  “Almost?”

  “You shouldn’t be going out with him tonight. Not after the kiss the other night.”

  “Carter, I told you Nate’s who I choose to be with, not you. You need to respect my relationship and leave me alone. You know Nate, have known him for a long time. It’s disrespectful what you’re doing behind his back.”

  “I told you I wasn’t giving you up, not without a fight. I’ve been sitting back waiting for the right time to make my play, to make you remember how much you love me. That times now.”

  I laugh humorlessly. “You need to stop this, there’s nothing left between us.”

  “Did you tell him about the kiss?”

  I look at the ground as the guilt surrounds me like a shroud. I had planned on telling Nate about the kiss after his cousin's wedding tonight. I still feel guilty for the quick second I kissed Carter back. Since he came back from his trip, I find myself keeping Nate at arm’s length, and I know he thinks somethings wrong from his messages and phone calls today. He sounded worried, and it was so hard to hear the uncertainty in his voice.

  I cheated on Nate. Kissing Carter, even for the quick moment is cheating in my eyes, regardless of the fact that I stopped it.

  That’s my main fear. I’m so happy with Nate, still see the future I envision in my head. Carter bringing up old memories has been so incredibly difficult and now has me questioning everything. I remember how good things were with him even if it was brief, but with the good comes the bad. It would be so easy to fall back into the role of Carter’s girlfriend. To be with him, but could I live with the doubts? The fear that he’d realize this isn’t what he really wants. That he made an emotional decision after his best friend died and will eventually get bored.

  “You made your choice. How dare you come back here and try to screw up the life I’ve made for Hazel and me. You want to be a part of her life, then be there for her. Be the daddy she’s deserved from the beginning. I’m. Off. Limits.”

  He nods his head once, but his eyes show me this isn’t the end. He leaves my bedroom, and I take what feels like my first breath since he came into my room. It physically makes me ill thinking I’m hurting Carter in some way even though he didn’t think twice when he broke my heart years ago. Why does he think kissing me will change things when he knows I’m in a committed relationship? How long can I lie to myself? Comes from the back of my mind startling me.

  Even though I’m not in love with Carter, I still have love for him. He gave me Hazel, and I’ll forever be grateful to him for her. He needs to stop with all the advances and confusing my emotions. It’s not fair especially when he brings up the past and plays dirty… like he did the other night. I’m hoping he’ll accept what I’m offering him, friendship.

  I finally make my way down the stairs and see Carter and Nate close together in what seems to be a heated argument. When they hear my heels on the stairs and turn towards me, the hurt on Nate’s face is evident.

  Carter told him.

  “Let me explain.”

  “Carter’s done a ton of explaining just now.” Nate’s fist moves like lightning as it connects with Carter’s jaw. He hits the floor clutching his face, and I try to run down the rest of the stairs, but Carter’s faster. He jumps from his feet and slams Nate against the front door.

  “Stop it!” I scream, but they don’t seem to hear me or don’t care. They hit each other blow for blow, and I’m left helpless. If I jump in the middle of them, I’ll end up getting hurt, and I’m not getting involved in their testosterone-fueled battle.

  The crying coming from Hazel’s baby monitor in the other room starts wailing and both men freeze on the floor. I look at them unable to believe this is what it’s come to. Everything was going great until that stupid fucking kiss.

  “I’d like you both to leave.”

  “That’s really rich, you play the victim after you kissed this asshole.”

  “Did you ask me about it? Get my side of the story?”

  “Lex…”

  “Leave,” I whisper with tears in my eyes. He looks at me begging me with his eyes to hear him out, but I’m way beyond that right now. Two grown men acting like toddlers. I’m done with their pissing contests.

  Nate gets up off the floor and leaves my house. A sob rips from my mouth as I crumple to the stairs. I’m in Carter’s arms a second later.

  “I’m so sorry Lex. I don’t know what came over me. I just need you to choose. You have to choose.” I quickly pull out of his arms and smack him across the face. The shock is evident when he clutches his reddening cheek.

  “Get out, Carter. Everything was fine until you came back into our lives!” I hear Hazel cry on the monitor again and run up the stairs not caring to watch him leave. I’m sure he got my message loud and clear.

  I pick Hazel up from her bed and sit in the rocking chair my mom gave me after I had her. We rock a little as I whisper soothing words in her ear. I’m sure the ruckus downstairs woke her up and I’m still fuming over the whole ordeal. She’s back to sleep in no time, but I hold her even closer to my chest.

  She has two men in her life that love her so much. My little Hazel Grace is so lucky to have two daddies’ in her life to be there and love her, but it has me wondering about my own relationship with them.

  Most people go their whole lives without meeting their one true love. Somehow, I’ve been blessed with two. I’m not sure if that’s a blessing or a curse yet. I’m also not sure if this is the universes way of making me pay for their fuck up.

  In the end, is love really worth it? Is love having to prove my allegiance and devotion over and over?

  The one thing I’m absolutely certain of is I’ll always do what’s in Hazel’s best interest. This time, the choice may be harder to cope with than I’d like and break me beyond repair.

  Chapter 32

  Sometimes all you need is time to reflect, but there is such a thing as taking too much time. Overthinking. I’m not sure if I’m at that point yet, but two days after I kicked both Carter and Nate out of my house, I’ve ignored both their calls and avoided them stopping at the house by spending most of my days with Hazel at my mom’s, swimming in the pool. I figured we could at least soak up the sun which makes my little girl happy.

  It’s so hard to ignore Nate. With every text, I want to reply that everything is okay, that we’ll be okay. The reality of the situation is I don’t know. I don’t know if we’ll ever be okay. Part of that has to do with Carter. Him kissing me crossed the line and has me all mixed up inside. It drummed up a bunch of old memories I managed to keep safely locked away until now.

  And that’s what I’ve realized, they’re just memories.

  I’d be lying if I didn’t say my heart was at war. On the one hand, I’m completely committed to Nate. I’m so in love with him that his doubts cut me at my core. How can he claim to love me and in the next breath accuse me of having feelings for Carter? I’ll always have feelings for Carter, and he knows that, and the fact Carter is using that aga
inst me isn’t fair. Keep convincing yourself that Lex.

  “Nate called this morning.” George walks out onto the patio with the newspaper in his hand.

  “Yeah, mom said he called yesterday too.”

  “He’s just checking up on you two. To make sure you’re okay. I don’t want you to get mad at me, but I told him to come over this morning.”

  “George…” I’m speechless he planned this. “I’m not ready to talk to him yet. I don’t know what to say.”

  “I know what I want to say.” Comes from behind me, and Hazel starts jumping around in the water as I try to hold her steady in her float.

  When I turn around and peer up at Nate, my body is drawn to him. We have this magnetic pull that’s hard to resist, so I usually succumb. Plain and simple, I miss him.

  I swim us over to the stairs and pull Hazel out of her float. After she’s wrapped in a towel, she runs for Nate.

  He buries his face in her neck and blows raspberries cracking her up. “Missed you little H.”

  “Where you been?” she questions with a furrow of her little brow.

  “I’m sorry I haven’t been around. Why don’t you go inside with pap pap so I can talk to your mama?”

  “Mama loves flowers,” she whispers in his ear before kissing Nate’s cheek.

  “Smart girl.” He kisses her back, then hands her over to George.

  When George walks by me, he places his hand on my shoulder and gives it a squeeze. I smile to let him know I’m not mad about his meddling.

  “Lexi,” Nate says after pulling a chair up directly in front of me. He grips my hands between his and pulls them to his mouth. “God, you’re beautiful. I’ve missed you.” He kisses each finger before holding our entwined hands to his chest.

  “Nate,” I object, not wanting to be buttered up. We need to have a real conversation.

  “I’m sorry, but you are. Being without you for the past two days has been hell.”