In Deep - A Secret Twins Romance (Once a SEAL, Always a SEAL Book 6)

by Layla Valentine

  She probably knows already, I realize. It’s not like this project is a secret. It’s big and loud and members of the commune who aren’t working on it have been stopping by all day, pausing to watch our progress. She’s either seen me working or has heard about my being here from someone else.

  After all, the fact that she and I are close isn’t a secret, either.

  I can’t believe James thought Tammy and I would be getting married.

  My God. Is it possible Tammy thinks that?

  The thought hadn’t occurred to me before now. I knew, of course, that nothing could happen between Tammy and me because of the commune’s rules about sex before marriage. But I guess I just thought that was an unfortunate fact we both acknowledged. It’s not like getting married is a serious possibility—at least, not while I’m here. I’m undercover. I’m here on a mission. I already feel like crap about lying to her, but letting her marry me under a false identity would be a whole other level of messed up.

  She talks about marriage all the time, too. How did I not notice this before? She introduces people to me according to their marital status. This whole place is organized according to marital status. Married people work here and life here, and unmarried people are kept apart. Hell, the first thing she asked me about myself was whether I was married.

  She’s thought about it. She must have.

  Which means that by spending time with her the way I am, I’m leading her on. I’m letting her think our relationship could evolve into something more than it ever can.

  I’d love to take Tammy out on a date sometime. After this is all over. When the ranch is shut down for good. But until then, we can never be more than friends. And now, I realize the harm I’m doing by hanging around her all the time. I need to be more careful.

  “Connor?”

  I turn. Standing behind me is a man I know by sight only. He dresses differently from everyone else on the ranch—the same beige drawstring pants, but a dark brown tunic instead of a beige one. I’ve seen him here and there, usually standing and watching the rest of us. He doesn’t eat with us at meals, and as far as I know, he doesn’t join in with any of the chores. I’ve wondered about him occasionally, but I assumed he must have some sort of physical disability that kept him from participating in things.

  Now, he strides over, looking perfectly fit, and extends a hand.

  “My name is Elias,” he says. “Elias Chambers. You are Connor, aren’t you?”

  “I am,” I say, and shake his hand.

  “I’m sorry we haven’t had a chance to meet yet,” Elias says. “I’ve been watching you since you arrived.”

  “You have?” That’s a little creepy, but I bite down on my objections. I can’t raise a stink with this guy. The last thing I want is to make myself stand out.

  “It’s standard practice when someone new joins us,” Elias explains. “Xavier wants to get a feel for your skills and aptitudes, as well as the kind of person you are. Just to make sure you’re a proper fit for the ranch and that you’re in the best possible role here.”

  “And?” I say. “What’s the verdict?”

  Elias smiles. “You seem to be adjusting nicely.”

  “Well, it’s a good place,” I tell him. “I’m enjoying being here.”

  “Will you walk with me?”

  I frown. “What about the dorm?”

  “The others can take it from here.”

  Shrugging, I fall into step beside Elias. He leads me on a meandering route toward the Commons.

  “So, you work for Xavier?” I ask.

  “I’m not sure ‘work for’ is the right way to put it,” he says easily. “I assist him.”

  “I see.”

  “He’d like to see you, Connor.”

  I stop in my tracks. “What?”

  “Xavier would like to meet you tonight. In person. He’s impressed with everything he’s heard.”

  “Xavier wants to meet me?” I’m stunned. This is too good to be true. This whole time, I’ve been trying to figure out how to get an audience with him, and now, I’m being summoned. “When? Where?”

  “His private quarters at nine.” Elias points toward a small building, offset from the other private residences.

  “Do I need to bring anything?” I’m suddenly nervous, as if I’ve been called to the principal’s office. You’re a Navy SEAL, I remind myself sternly. You can take this guy.

  Elias smiles. “Nothing but yourself.”

  He bids me farewell and I return to the dorm raising, my head spinning. Xavier wants to meet me. What could he possibly want?

  Is there a chance he’s found out who I am?

  He can’t have.

  I shake away the thought and go back to work. My cover is good, and there’s no point in worrying. Whatever Xavier wants, I’ll find out tonight.

  Chapter 8

  Tammy

  For the first time in a long time, today has been long, stressful, and unpleasant.

  I worried when Connor didn’t show up for yoga in the morning. I suppose I shouldn’t take it for granted, but he’s been coming every day for a month now, and I sort of thought we had a standing appointment. I would have at least expected him to let me know if he wasn’t planning to come.

  Instead, I got all set up in my usual spot, expecting him to take the patch of grass beside me, then spent the entire session alone. I know some of the others were shooting me curious looks, too, wondering where he was and if we’d broken up.

  As if we were ever even together!

  But we kind of were together, weren’t we? There was something there. I didn’t just think we had this understanding about yoga because I’m needy or crazy. We’ve been spending all our free time together!

  When I saw him working on the dorm, I understood better why he had missed yoga. But I stood on the hill and watched him for a while, waiting for him to acknowledge me with a wave or something, and he never even looked up. Was he ignoring me? Or did he just not see me? I wish I could ask him what was going on, but it’s such a needy question, and he doesn’t owe me an answer.

  He’s not your boyfriend, I remind myself. He’s not your anything.

  He should be. The little voice in the back of my head won’t shut up. We have a connection. We have chemistry. There’s definitely some kind of attraction there. Why is he spending so much time with you, unless he wants something? Don’t be naive, Tammy.

  I feel like I’m losing my mind.

  At dinner, before he can take a seat, I spot him walking into the Commons with a small group of people.

  “Connor!” I call, throwing caution and dignity to the wind.

  He looks up.

  He sees me.

  He gives me a curt nod and turns back to the group surrounding him.

  What the hell?

  Wounded, I watch as they claim seats at one of the tables and begin passing dishes of food around. Connor doesn’t look back in my direction at all. I don’t know how I can interpret this as anything but him avoiding me. There isn’t even room for me to join their group—they’re packed in too tightly between other people, almost as if they deliberately wanted to avoid leaving a seat to spare.

  Humiliated, I find an empty space at the end of a table and eat my dinner alone. I don’t want to talk to anybody else. Everyone on the ranch has seen me with Connor over the last few weeks. Everyone will want to know why we’re not together now. And I don’t have the answer. For whatever reason, I’ve been rejected with no explanation whatsoever.

  I’m walking back to the dormitory, thinking I’ll just go to bed early and be alone with my thoughts, when he finds me. His hand encircles my wrist gently and pulls me into his space.

  “Tammy,” he says, quietly.

  I pull away. “What?”

  “You’re angry.”

  “I’m not angry.” I’m not going to give him the satisfaction.

  “You are, I can tell,” he says, his eyebrows knitting together. “Will you let me explain?”
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  “Explain what? You don’t owe me anything.”

  He shakes his head. “Please. Let’s just talk.”

  I don’t want to talk to him. I don’t want to be vulnerable in front of him, to let him see how hurt I was that he ignored me all day. But I can already feel curiosity getting the best of me. What does he have to say now, that will explain a whole day of non-communication? As hurt as I am, I do want to hear the explanation.

  I follow him up the side of Eastern Hill, which usually pretty deserted in the evenings—there are better places on the ranch from which to watch the sun go down. I assume we’re heading this way for the sake of privacy and that we’re going to stop at the top of the hill to talk, but to my surprise, he keeps walking.

  “Where are you going?” I ask, hurrying to keep pace with him.

  “Let’s get a little farther away,” he says, and his voice is low. “I don’t want to be overheard.”

  I’m starting to feel really anxious. What could he have to say to me that’s such a secret? I assumed he was coming up here to engage in some form of breaking up with me. And it could still be that, but what would be the big deal about being overheard, except that it would be a blow to my dignity? He can’t be that concerned about the preservation of my pride, can he?

  He’s leading us into the woods.

  “We’re not supposed to go in there,” I say, pulling up short. The woods form a ring around the clearing where the ranch is set up, and they’re considered part of the outside world, even though they’re still miles from civilization. Connor, standing amid the trees, is now on the other side of a line I’m not supposed to cross. This is officially a big deal.

  “No one will know,” he says. “Just for a few minutes, Tammy. Please.”

  I can’t believe I’m doing this.

  Slowly, I walk forward, into the forest, and follow Connor until we’re concealed behind a thick tree that must be at least a hundred years old.

  “If we’re caught,” I say, “we could be expelled.”

  “We won’t be caught,” he assures me. “Nobody is looking for us. Nobody saw us come up here.”

  “How do you know?”

  “Because I was paying attention.”

  “Show-off.”

  He does things like this sometimes. He makes a whole production of how aware he is of everything going on around him. The only thing I can reason is he must have been a Boy Scout.

  “Tammy, listen,” he says.

  He steps closer to me. Our bodies are nearly flush, and I suck in a breath. He’s never stood this close to me before. He’s always maintained a respectful distance. A painful distance. And now, here he is, filling my personal space, looking at me in a way he never has before.

  What’s going on?

  His hand is under my chin now, tilting my face up to his.

  “Will you listen?” he asks. “Because I really need to get this out.”

  If he’s breaking up with me, this is a weird way to do it.

  “Okay,” I say.

  My lip brushes against the side of his palm as I speak, and I shiver. Or maybe he shivers. It’s hard to be sure.

  “I know I’ve been distant today,” he says.

  “You wanted to work on the new dorm,” I say. “I understand.”

  Wanting to work on the new dorm is the explanation I’ve been hoping for because it’s the most harmless, the most innocuous. Everyone gets sidetracked sometimes by things they want to experience. And Connor came to the ranch for a whole lifestyle change, not just to hang out with me. Of course he wants to participate in things.

  But that wouldn’t explain why he blew me off at meals…

  “It wasn’t just about the dorm,” Connor says, confirming the doubt as soon as it enters my mind. “The truth is, I’ve been doing some thinking.”

  “What kind of thinking?”

  “About us,” he clarifies. “About all the time we’ve been spending together.”

  “I’ve enjoyed it,” I say, and then immediately feel like kicking myself. If he’s about to break up with me, I don’t want to start telling him how much I like having him around.

  I take a small step back, putting some distance between us, as if I can physically reinforce to myself that I need to keep my emotional distance.

  “I’ve enjoyed it too,” Connor says.

  There’s a softness in his eyes that makes me wonder whether he knows exactly what I’m thinking.

  “But?” I prompt.

  I know there’s a “but.” None of the tension has left his body yet, which means the hardest part of what he has to say is still to come.

  He sighs. “But I worry. I worry about the expectations I’m setting up. Did you know that today at the dorm raising, everyone was asking me when you and I were going to get married?”

  “Yeah, they do that around here,” I say, grimacing slightly. “It happens every time I have so much as a conversation with a man. I’m sorry. I should have prepared you for that.”

  I don’t tell him I’ve been thinking about marriage myself. It’s clear from the way he’s talking that he’s far from ready, that even the idea of it is scaring him. Which makes sense. He’s still so new to our way of life, and in the outside world, you would never marry someone you’d known for such a short amount of time. It would be crazy.

  “It’s your way of life here,” he says. “It’s the way things are.”

  I don’t like that. He’s setting himself apart from us. Your way of life. Not our.

  “Not everybody marries,” I tell him. “And besides…you and I are just friends.”

  It’s the last thing in the world I want to say. It aches, coming out. And yet, friends is better than nothing. If he’s pulling away from me, ending this thing between us, maybe the only way I can hold on is to reassure him that friendship is all I want. I can live with just friends, I tell myself, even though the idea of letting go of the more I’ve started to feel is terrible.

  But Connor shakes his head. “We aren’t just friends, Tammy. You know we’re not.”

  I can’t think what to say to that. He’s right, of course, but I don’t dare acknowledge it. I watch him, frozen, afraid.

  “I’ve tried to resist it,” he says, his eyes locking mine. “I’ve been trying since I got here. It’s so complicated…things are so different, here. Romance is so different. And…there are things you don’t understand…”

  “What don’t I understand?”

  He frowns and shakes his head. “The point is that—God, when I met you, when I saw how gorgeous you were, I knew I would have to control myself. Keep myself from wanting you. And then, we started spending time together, and I learned how kind you are, and how funny, and…you’re just everything I could possibly want in a woman. Every time I’m around you, I feel alive. You know?”

  I do know. But I can’t speak. I can hardly breathe.

  He rubs his face with both hands. “I don’t know what to do. I never expected, when I came to the ranch, that I would find something like this. And this place isn’t set up to accommodate it. It would be different if we’d been here together for years and we suddenly discovered we had feelings for each other. We’d already know each other. And in the outside world, you know…we’d go on a date. Get to know each other better that way.”

  There are dates on the ranch, of course, but they don’t look like anything Connor would recognize. They all take place with Xavier’s permission, and often with a chaperone. According to Xavier, people can’t decide for themselves whether they should marry—the community needs to have input, too. I can see where he’s coming from. It’s easy to become hypnotized by romantic or sexual feelings and forget to analyze a situation practically.

  I feel like that’s exactly what I’m doing right now.

  Connor is still talking, and there’s a part of me that knows I should be listening. It’s clear that he struggled with initiating this conversation. He avoided me all day so he could work out exactly what he wante
d to say, and whether or not he wanted to say it. The least I could do is give him the courtesy of hearing him out. But his lips are moving, and it’s all white noise.

  Every time he’s around me he feels alive.

  He feels it too. I’m not in this alone.

  And suddenly I don’t care. I don’t care about marriage or Xavier or the rules or any of it, because it has been so damn long, so many years, since I’ve had feelings like this, and even longer since they’ve been reciprocated. I feel like I’m in a fragile, fantastical bubble that might burst at any minute. This could go away without warning. It’s too good to be true.

  I have to make the most of it. Now. While it’s standing right here in front of me.

  I close the gap between us and still his lips with mine.

  He freezes for a second, as if he’s not sure what happened, but almost immediately, his body takes over and responds. He kisses back, not forcefully, but commandingly, taking over control of the situation so quickly that it’s all I can do to keep up. His arms are around me, and mine around him, and I’m not exactly sure when that happened, but in the next moment, he’s lifting me and my back is against the rough bark of the tree, my legs tight around his hips.

  “No one ever comes here?” he gasps into my mouth.

  I know what he’s asking. “Never.”

  He peels off my tunic and tosses it away. His hands go to my breasts, and after all this time wanting him, it feels like relief. I arch into his touch, needing more.

  “Connor…”

  Things start to blur. I hang on as he strips away my pants. He’s still fully clothed, but he lowers his pants just enough to provide access. I suck in a deep breath, taking him in. He’s amazing. I’m in for the ride of my life. His gaze darts back up to me and he smiles wickedly, and a thrill of fear spikes through my excitement.

  His thrusts scrape my back against the bark of the tree. I don’t care. I just want more of this. I want this forever.