A Deep Dark Secret

by Kimberla Lawson Roby

  “So, did you have fun at the big dance last night?”

  Jillian knew the “big dance” experience had been more like a nightmare than anything else, but she said, “Yeah, it was okay.”

  “Is there going to be another one?”

  “In a couple of months or so maybe.”

  “Are you going?”

  “Probably.”

  “Can I go with you?”

  Jillian got a huge kick out of Layla and how she couldn’t have cared less about asking the same questions over and over again, even if she’d already been told no before.

  “Remember, the dances are only for the students who go to my school.”

  “Well, can I go somewhere else with you? Can I go with you the next time you go visit Nikki?”

  “Well, not next time, which will be this afternoon, but maybe when I go over there another time. And then next weekend, we can go to the movies, if you want.”

  Layla hopped off the bed and hugged her sister. “I love you so much, Jill. You’re the best sister in the whole wide world.”

  “I love you, too, Layla. You’re the best sister in the whole wide world, too, and don’t you ever forget that.”

  “I won’t,” she said, and then started out of the room when she heard their mother calling her.

  Jillian gazed at Layla and then something dawned on her. It was true that her father was an awful man and that lately she’d been wishing and praying her mother had never met him, but the thing was, had he never become Jillian’s stepfather—had he never married her mother—there would be no precious little Layla. Jillian would have no beautiful baby sister at all, and this she simply couldn’t imagine. She couldn’t imagine living one moment without the little girl who meant everything to her, and what a revelation that was. The kind of revelation that made Jillian’s painful situation seem just a bit more bearable—the kind that encouraged her to keep her faith as strong as possible.

  “DO YOU WANT TO ORDER A PIZZA OR SOMETHING?” JILLIAN asked Nikki.

  “No.”

  Jillian had been sitting in Nikki’s room for more than an hour, but in all that time, she hadn’t done any more than answer Jillian’s questions. Even then, she didn’t elaborate and barely moved one inch. She was lying in her bed, turned on her left side, and was staring out her window.

  “I’m so sorry that this happened to you,” Jillian said for the umpteenth time. “And I wish I had stopped you from leaving with Marcus because maybe then you wouldn’t have met those girls in the first place.”

  Jillian waited for a response. But there wasn’t one.

  “Nikki, please talk to me. I know you’re sad and that you probably don’t feel like being bothered by anyone, but I don’t think it’s good to keep all of this to yourself.”

  “You mean like when you kept your little problems to yourself not very long ago and cut me off like some stranger?”

  Jillian knew she was right, but her feelings were still hurt. Nikki’s words were so cold and unkind. “I’m sorry. And I’ll leave if you want me to.”

  Jillian waited for her to say something and when she didn’t, she grabbed her black leather purse and started toward the door.

  “No, Jill, don’t. I didn’t mean it. Please don’t leave.”

  Jillian dropped her bag back down and sat on the side of the bed Nikki was facing.

  “This is just so hard for me to talk about is all. I can’t believe anyone would hurt me like this. And for no reason, because I didn’t do anything.”

  “I can’t believe it either. It’s so ridiculous, what they did to you.”

  “I would never treat anyone that way, so why would someone want to harm me?”

  “I don’t know. I wish I did, Nik, but I don’t.”

  “I’ll bet everyone at school will be talking about this for weeks. I’ll be talked about and gawked at every day from now on.”

  “They’ll probably talk about it for a while, but no one will blame you for getting jumped by more than one person. Especially when you didn’t even know those girls.”

  “I just don’t understand why they would do it,” she said, crying. “Three against one. It was so unfair.”

  Jillian rubbed her back, trying to comfort her, but had no words. She was speechless. Partly because she didn’t know how many more times Nikki would want to hear her say how sorry she was, and partly because deep down she knew there was more to the story. There just had to be.

  After a little time had passed, Nikki sat up and reached over for more tissues. “So, what’s up with you and Kyle? With all this craziness, I never got to ask you. Did you guys have fun last night?”

  “We did until the very end when my father saw us coming from around the side of the building.”

  Nikki squinted her eyes. “Why were you over there?”

  “We didn’t want anyone to see us kissing.”

  Nikki sniffled and then smiled for the first time since just before she’d left the dance with Marcus. “Really?”

  “Yep.”

  “Wow. Kyle is a really nice boy, Jill, and you’re really lucky to have him. I know I said some nasty things about him yesterday, but I only said them because I didn’t want to hear what you were saying.”

  “I like him, but now I can’t even talk to him on the phone.”

  “Why?”

  “When my father saw us, he got upset and started talking a bunch of stuff about Kyle wanting me to have sex with him. Which isn’t even true, because Kyle already said he doesn’t expect me to do anything I’m not ready for.”

  Nikki looked out of the window again, tears rolling down her face.

  “Nik, what is it? Did I say something wrong?”

  “No. It’s those girls and what they did to me. No matter how hard I try, I just can’t stop thinking about it.”

  “It’ll get better, though. You’ll see.”

  Nikki finally dropped off to sleep, and Jillian read the latest issue of Glamour magazine. It was around four in the afternoon, and she wondered if Kyle was home. She knew her father had basically forbidden her to have anything to do with him, but she really wanted to call him.

  She debated a while longer and then picked up Nikki’s phone from the nightstand.

  “Hello?”

  “Hey, Kyle. It’s me.”

  “Oh. When I saw the last name Gordon, I thought maybe it was for one of my parents.”

  “I’m at Nikki’s.”

  “Really? How is she?”

  “She’s okay.”

  “That’s good.”

  “So, have you been in all day?”

  “My mom took me out to get some more athletic gear I needed, but that was it.”

  “Oh, okay.”

  “So, tell me something. Why did you get so upset when we kissed?”

  Jillian had known he was probably going to ask her about that, but she’d been hoping it would be much later in the conversation and possibly on a whole other day.

  “I guess I was kind of nervous, because I’ve never kissed a boy before.”

  “Yeah, but you acted like we were doing something bad and almost like I was hurting you.”

  “Well, I didn’t mean to act that way, and I’m sorry.”

  “Maybe it’ll be a lot better next time.”

  “It will.”

  “So, Nikki’s really okay?” he said, changing the subject.

  “Well, sort of, but she’s sleeping now.”

  “Has she told you the truth yet about what happened?”

  Jillian looked at Nikki, checking to see if she was in fact asleep, and said no.

  “Well, I know the whole story.”

  “What story?”

  “About Marcus and two of his friends from his neighborhood running a train on her. All three of them took turns doing it to her, and then they left her in the woods all by herself. And I also heard she was fine with it until Marcus started calling her all kinds of tramps and b’s and told her he was through with her. And that’s
when she started crying and telling him she would do anything he wanted.”

  Kyle must have been mistaken. He was making this all up, and Jillian didn’t know why. “Who told you that?”

  “One of my boys called me this morning. The whole team knows about it, because Marcus has already been bragging the same as usual.”

  “I don’t believe that. Marcus is no good, but this is even too low-down for him. I just don’t think he would go that far.”

  “He would, and he did. Trust me.”

  Nikki turned and looked at Jillian. “Kyle, I have to go.”

  “Who was that?” Nikki asked when Jillian hung up.

  “Kyle.”

  “And why were you talking about Marcus?”

  “Because he was saying that Marcus and two other guys ran a train on you, and that Marcus also called you all kinds of names.”

  Nikki frowned. “That’s insane. And your little boyfriend had better stop spreading all those lies about me.”

  “He’s not. He was just repeating what he heard.”

  “Well, it’s not true.”

  “Then why would people be saying it?”

  “I don’t know, but Marcus would never make me do anything like that.”

  “Okay, then, what really happened?”

  “Marcus and I went up in the woods just like I told you, and it was just the two of us.”

  “Well, if you were with just Marcus the whole time, then where was he when those girls jumped you?”

  “I’m not talking about this anymore.”

  Jillian watched Nikki turn back toward the window and knew Kyle wasn’t lying. Marcus and his boys had treated Nikki no different from the prostitutes she’d seen standing on corners on the southeast side of town, and now Nikki was embarrassed about it. She was humiliated in the worst way.

  “Nik, did they force you? Because if they did, then that means they raped you and you should tell your mom. You have to tell her so that the police can arrest them.”

  “Didn’t you hear me?” she yelled, now looking at Jillian. “Didn’t you hear me when I said it never happened? And if you’re really my friend, you’ll stop listening to Kyle or anyone else, and you’ll only listen to me. You’ll believe what I’ve been telling you since last night. Okay?”

  Jillian finally relented and agreed to what Nikki was asking. She went along with what she wanted but wondered if Nikki would eventually have to confess…or be like her and never tell another living soul.

  Chapter 14

  Monday, October 27, 2008

  I just arrived home from school and thankfully, Daddy isn’t home yet. All weekend, I caught him looking at me in his usual eerie way, and what I keep hoping is that he won’t start messing with me again. I’ve been thinking about that a lot over the last couple of days, and I also can’t stop thinking about Kyle and the really rude way I treated him Friday evening. I don’t know why I pushed him away or why when he’d been kissing me, I kept seeing Daddy’s face. I also don’t know why I felt so dirty. The good news is that Kyle isn’t angry with me about it, but I do wonder if the same thing will happen the next time we’re together again and all alone.

  Jillian set her pen on her desk and looked at the photo of her and Nikki, sitting atop her dresser. Nikki hadn’t come to school today, but everyone had still gone on and on about what had happened. Word had traveled around the school in nothing flat, and Jillian could only imagine how hard it was going to be for Nikki once she returned. Especially if a lot of their schoolmates continued saying such harsh things about her. They’d called her every deplorable name they could think of, even worse than the words Marcus had supposedly called Nikki, and Jillian knew Nikki would never be able to take it. At one point, a couple of boys had even asked Jillian how she could still be friends with such a loose little whore, but Jillian had tried her best to ignore them. Later, she’d even seen one of them giving Marcus a high five, like what he’d done to Nikki was something to be proud of. Then Ashley and Shelly, her and Nikki’s so-called close friends, had made their own not-so-nice comments, too, which Jillian was very shocked about, and it was the reason she’d kept to herself most of the day. She’d even gone to the library instead of going to lunch, and if things weren’t any better tomorrow, she would dodge the cafeteria all over again.

  Jillian reached for the phone and dialed Nikki’s number, but when she didn’t get an answer, she picked up her pen and wrote a few more lines in her journal. At first, she wrote a bit more about her trying day at school, but then she focused on the deranged way her father had acted right after the dance. Specifically, when they’d left Nikki’s and were on their way home.

  I had never seen him so angry and had never witnessed him driving so fast, and I was terrified the whole time. He’d acted no differently than some of the disturbed criminals I sometimes see on TV, but even stranger was how calm and normal he became when we walked in the house and saw Mom. It had almost been like watching two totally different people, which was very bizarre.

  She wrote for a while longer but soon heard a door close downstairs. She knew it could easily be her mother, but something told her it was her father instead. Sadly, she was right, and soon he was standing directly in front of her.

  “I just wanna talk is all.”

  Jillian kept quiet.

  “I’ve really missed our special times, and you really hurt me a few weeks ago when you kept saying you were going to tell your mother everything. I felt so betrayed, because no one, not your mom or your grandparents, loves you as much as I do, yet you’ve been trying so hard to turn against me. I know you’re still not all that comfortable with what you and I have together, but believe me when I say we’ve never done anything wrong.”

  “I just don’t like it when we do those things, Daddy. I don’t like it, and all I want is for us to be like any other regular father and daughter. I want us to be normal like everyone else.”

  “But that’s what I’ve always tried to get you to see. Our relationship is normal. We don’t just say we love each other like a lot of parents and children do, we genuinely show it. And that means so much more than you realize.”

  “I don’t realize it because if it’s okay for us to be doing this kind of stuff, then why don’t you want Mom to know? Why don’t you want me telling anybody?”

  “Because, princess, they won’t understand, and if you tell them it will ruin everything. I’ve tried explaining this to you for years, so why can’t you just trust me? Why can’t you just enjoy what we have and forget about everyone else?”

  “I still don’t understand, and whenever we did those things, I always felt so ashamed.”

  His tone changed. “Oh yeah? Well, did you also feel ashamed when you were kissing that little punk?”

  Jillian peered at the floor, but her father placed his hand under her chin and raised her head back up. “Princess, look, I know you’re at the age where all kinds of little boys are going to start coming after you, but they’ll never be able to give you what I can. They’ll never be able to do what a real man is capable of doing. And while I’m a little embarrassed to tell you this, when I saw you with that boy, Kyle, I almost got sick at the stomach. I was so jealous and so hurt.”

  Now Jillian knew for sure that her father had lost his mind. He must have with the way he was talking to her right now.

  “Princess, I don’t just want you, I need you. I need you real bad, and I wanna show you.”

  “No. I won’t start back doing all those awful things. I won’t, Daddy.” The last time she’d told him no and that she was telling, he’d left her alone for weeks, and she hoped her saying no was going to work again.

  “Even after all I do for you? I mean, look at this bedroom of yours and all those clothes in your closet. Do you think you’d have any of this if it was still just you and your mom?”

  “I won’t do it. I just won’t.”

  “You’re really starting to hurt my feelings again, and I wish you wouldn’t do that. I wish
you’d stop before I have to do some things I would rather not do.”

  Jillian stared at him.

  “But if you force me, I’m going to tell your mother what I saw you doing to that boy when I came to pick you up. Remember what I told you on Friday night? That I’ll have no choice but to tell her about that blow job you were giving him. And don’t forget I still have all those nice photos I took of you, and if you force me, I’ll do more than show them to your mom. I’ll print lots of copies and make sure they get passed around at your school. I don’t want to do it, but I’m willing to do whatever I have to in order to be with you. I love you, princess, and if you’ll only give me a chance, I’ll show you that you don’t need some little boy like Kyle. Which the more I think about it, I think he’s the real reason you’ve all of a sudden lost interest in me.”

  “Daddy, I have homework to do, and Mom will be home really soon.”

  “Fine. But don’t say I didn’t try my best to make things right with you when I move on to someone else. Don’t say I didn’t give you a chance when I start spending special time with little Layla. My precious baby girl is only five, but we all know how smart she is for her age. She’ll learn just as quickly as you did when you were seven.”

  Jillian’s eyes widened. “Daddy, no. Please don’t.”

  “I don’t want to, and I never have until this day. But fathers have their needs. They have needs that have to be fulfilled and if one daughter won’t do it, I’ll have no choice but to teach another one how to.”

  Jillian had known this day was going to come. She’d figured it out weeks ago, and it was the reason she’d stopped thinking about the idea of taking her own life. The thought had still entered her mind every now and then, but not so much once she’d started praying and asking God to remove it.

  But living or dying was neither here nor there, because she could never let him touch Layla. She wouldn’t let him. Instead, she would do, strongly against her will, what she had to.

  “Okay. I’ll do whatever you want, Daddy, but please leave Layla alone. Please don’t mess with her.”

  Her father smiled. “That’s my girl,” he said, sliding his belt open. “That’s my sweet little princess.”