The Beard

by Stella James

“Because otherwise it wouldn’t be life,” Bell says.

  “God, I’d kill for a bowl of clam chowder right now, whatever that means,” I say.

  “Yeah, you’re on your own with that one,” Bell says.

  “Okay,” I sigh. “I’m going to check on Kyle. He was supposed to meet us downstairs. I need a breather anyways.”

  “We’ll see you soon,” Tully says, while Bell shouts something in the background about more closet time. “And Poppy, don’t overthink it,” she says.

  “I won’t,” I lie. “Okay, I’ll talk to you later. Love you.”

  “Love you too,” she says.

  I climb another set of stairs and decide to catch the elevator the rest of the way up. I slip my phone into my purse and grab my key card. When I reach the suite and open the door, I’m surprised to find Kyle reclined back on the couch, watching T.V.

  “Hey, what are you doing?”

  He waves up a mini bottle of liquor and it’s then that I notice the scattered remains of our mini bar on the coffee table. “Enjoying my vacation,” he drawls.

  “Ohhkay, well your parents are probably wondering where you are,” I say. “Is there something you want to talk about?”

  “Nope.”

  “Kyle,” I sigh, sitting down beside him. “Come on, what’s going on?”

  He swipes the screen of his phone a few times and tosses it onto my lap, when I glance down at it I see a screenshot from George’s Facebook account. It’s a bit blurry but it looks like he’s at a club and there is a very handsome man beside him with his arm slung around his shoulders.

  “He doesn’t even give a shit,” Kyle says. “He says he wants a break and then he’s off acting like he couldn’t fucking care less that I’m here dealing with this shit alone while he’s out having the time of his fucking life.”

  “Kyle, you’re not alone, and this is probably nothing, George isn’t like that,” I say. “You know that.”

  “Yeah, whatever,” he says.

  “Why don’t I make you some coffee? You can sober up a bit and come down with me, spend some time with your family,” I suggest.

  “Why? So I can pretend that everything is fucking wonderful? That the guy I’ve been secretly seeing for over two years isn’t ripping my fucking heart out, all for the sake of keeping my family and their morals comfortable? That’s the last fucking thing I want to do right now, Poppy,” he says.

  “Okay, I wasn’t going to bring this up again, but seriously? I know that I haven’t known them long, but Kyle, they aren’t as bad as you think they are,” I say. “You have this attitude towards them and I’m wondering where the hell it’s even coming from.”

  “You don’t know anything about them, or me,” he says bitterly. “You have no idea what it’s like to know you’re different in a family where appearances are everything.”

  “You’re right, I don’t. But maybe things have changed. Don’t you think they deserve the right to have their own reactions, instead of you just assuming how things will be?”

  “I’m not in the mood for this shit,” he says, downing the rest of the plastic bottle in his hand.

  “You’re acting like a spoiled shit, you know that?”

  “Fuck off, Po- “

  “No, you need to hear this,” I say firmly, standing from the sofa. “I get it, you’re scared. And if you’re not ready to come out to your family, I can understand that. But you have got to give them a chance. You said it yourself, they’re your only family. So, put aside your baggage for just one fucking night, and go spend some time with them.”

  “Yeah, that’s real rich coming from you,” he sneers. “Is that what you’ve been doing Poppy, setting aside your baggage?”

  “This isn’t about me,” I say.

  “You’re right,” he laughs humorlessly. “It’s not. This is about me and my family. This shit doesn’t concern you and it would be great if you could stop sticking your nose where it doesn’t fucking belong. I brought you here to be my girlfriend, not my fucking therapist.”

  He reaches for another bottle and twists off the cap.

  “Fair enough,” I say quietly. “I’ll leave you to it.”

  I swallow hard and turn for the door, admitting defeat and feeling the reminder of my own baggage every step of the way.

  As the door clicks shut behind me and I’m standing in the hallway alone. I don’t know where to go, but I know that I need some air to relieve the tightness in my chest. This whole trip has turned into a massive complication and I don’t even know where to begin fixing it. I head for the elevator, my impatience growing far too large to stand and wait. I head for the stairwell, taking the steps two at a time and throw the door open once I reach the lobby. I take the narrow hallway leading to the side exit and stop in my tracks when I round the corner and spot Will. I duck back and peek around the wall, realizing that he isn’t alone.

  “I don’t know what you want me to say,” he tells her.

  “It’s been so long, Will. Too long,” Amanda says. “Don’t you think this all means something? Us being here at the same time? Second chances don’t come along every day.”

  “Amanda,” he sighs.

  I don’t bother waiting to see how this plays out. I turn and head back the way I came. I can’t do this again, I won’t do this again.

  When I reach the suite, Kyle is passed out and snoring on the couch. I pack my things, with zero clue as to how the fuck I’m going to get out of here. All I know is I need to leave. I need to go home.

  I scribble a quick note and stick it on the table where I’m sure Kyle will see it.

  Kyle,

  I’ve gone back to Chicago early. Please tell your family that I’m sorry. Make up whatever you need to in order to excuse my absence.

  -Poppy

  With my suitcase beside me, I manage to get through the front doors of the hotel unseen by Kyle’s family. I approach a parked taxi and slide my luggage into the back seat when he agrees to take me to the airport. It feels like it’s been an eternity when he finally parks the car.

  Two hours later I’m still mentally numb as I board the plane and take my seat. I forget to panic, I forget to feel sick. I simply close my eyes and fall asleep.

  *

  It’s the middle of the night when we land in Chicago. I contemplate phoning Tully to come and pick me up but I just don’t have it in me to get into everything right now. I don’t even notice the chill in the autumn air as I wave down a taxi, despite the fact that I’m still dressed for the tropics. I rest my head against the worn out leather of the seat and watch the city pass by in a blur. When I open the door to my apartment, I abandon my luggage in the hallway and change into a pair of my favourite pink sweats and a loose T-shirt. I throw my hair up and pop in my earbuds. Annie Lennox begins to play as I sink to my knees on the bathroom floor. The calming, familiar scent of lemon fills my nose as I spray the porcelain tub and begin to scrub.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Never Been Worn

  “Do you think she’s dead?”

  “If she is, she died doing what she loves. You could perform open heart surgery on the kitchen floor.”

  “She got a nice tan. She looks all glowy.”

  “I can hear you, you assholes,” I grumble.

  “It speaks,” Tully says. “Do you think it wants this donut? Or can I eat it?”

  “Stop calling me it,” I say, squinting through my heavy eyelids. “And yes, I want that donut.”

  I sit up slowly and stretch the kinks out of my shoulders. I must have fallen asleep on the sofa after my late night deep clean. Tully hands me a maple glazed donut while Bell slides a takeout coffee cup in front of me. I take a large bite and groan with appreciation. Two sets of eyes watch expectantly while I chew and swallow and wash it down with a generous sip of caffeine.

  “How’d you know I was back? I’m two days early.”

  “Kyle called,” Bell says. “He didn’t say much. Just that you were on your way and he wanted
to make sure you made it safely.”

  “How noble of him,” I say, taking another bite.

  “Are you planning on telling us what happened, or are we gonna sit here and take turns guessing?” Tully asks.

  “Oh, I know! You had sex with Will on the beach and got busted by the police,” Bell says. “It was either leave quietly or work off your sentence for indecent exposure by harvesting coconuts at a nudist resort.”

  “Busted,” I say. “That is exactly what happened.”

  “Just spill it, Pop,” Tully says. “You know she’ll go at this all day.”

  “It’s true, I will,” Bell says. “And my next theory is pretty graphic.”

  I cave and tell them about my argument with Kyle and the whole Will/Amanda debacle and how I just needed to get the hell out of there.

  “I feel like a complete jerk leaving like that,” I say. “His family probably thinks I’m crazy, not to mention I practically abandoned Kyle.”

  “I’m sure he covered for you,” Tully says. “And it sounds like Kyle has a lot to work through. I don’t think you could’ve done much good even if you had stayed, especially if his grand plan was to drink his problems away.”

  “I just feel bad, not only for him, but for his family too,” I say. “It might have only been a week, but I felt like I really got to know them and I think he sells them too short.”

  “In the end, it’s his life, right? He’ll figure it out,” Bell says.

  “I hope so,” I sigh.

  “Now, back to the Will thing,” Tully says. “Are you sure they were getting back together?”

  “Honestly, I don’t know,” I say. “But I don’t even think it matters.”

  “What do you mean?” Bell asks.

  “This whole trip was just a distraction,” I explain. “A good distraction, but if I want to get my shit together, I need to do it here. I want to be me again, but I have to do it myself, for myself,” I say.

  “Girl power, I like it,” Tully says with a smile. “And is this what you were figuring out at 3 A.M. while you sanitized your entire apartment?”

  “Correct.”

  “It’s a bit of a shame though,” Bell says, laying her head on my lap. “Letting a sex wizard go to waste and all.”

  “Such a shame,” Tully agrees. “And it seemed like you had a connection.”

  “Well, connection or not, I need to deal with this,” I say, gesturing to myself, “before I even think of relationships or any more spectacular orgasms.”

  “It was really that spectacular, huh?” Bell asks.

  “God, yes,” I groan with a whiney laugh. “Goddamn sex wizard.”

  “Amen,” Tully and Bell say together.

  We tap our coffee cups together in an appreciative toast to sex wizards everywhere and as I laugh with my sisters, I know deep down that it’s going to be okay.

  That I’m going to be okay.

  *

  I’ve been back from Maui for three days now and I’m looking forward to getting back to work tomorrow, but in the meantime, I have some unfinished business to handle. I’m currently sitting on my bedroom floor, tracing my fingertips along the ivory coloured lace spread out in front of me. I touch every intricate detail and let myself be just a little bit sad, one last time. I’ve thought about selling it, or just chucking it in the dumpster. I’ve even thought about drowning it in the Chicago River. But that would be unfair. Someday, someone is going to wear this dress and marry their best friend. The person they are meant to be with, who loves them unconditionally. This dress deserves a happy ending.

  I smooth out the wrinkles as best I can. Gently. Lovingly. I slip it back onto the wooden hanger it came with and carefully zip the original plastic cover up around it. I stand and lay it across my bed, slipping on my shoes and gathering my purse. I double check the address for the consignment shop I googled this morning and pick the dress up, draping it over my arm. It took me all morning, but I finally found someone who was willing to handle the apparently unorthodox sale of my dress.

  I open the door just in time for a fist to hit me in the face, right between the eyes.

  “What the fuck?!”

  “Poppy, oh God, I’m so sorry,” Kyle says.

  “Shit, am I bleeding?”

  “I don’t think so but let me get you some ice. Sit down,” he says, brushing past me and pulling out a chair at the kitchen table. I sit down, hearing him rustle around in the freezer until he hands me a small bag of peas and takes the seat beside me.

  “Christ, I’m sorry,” he says.

  My blurry vision focuses and narrows on the handsome face in front of me. “What are you doing here, Kyle?”

  “I, uh, got in last night,” he says. “I was hoping we could talk.”

  “Yeah,” I say with a sigh. “We probably should.”

  “I’m sorry, Poppy,” he says. “I was a complete jerk and you didn’t deserve it. I took my shit out on you when all you were doing was trying to help.”

  “I’m sorry too, I shouldn’t have just left like that,” I say.

  “I don’t blame you,” he says. “I was poor company.”

  I leave his statement where it is, and he hesitates before speaking again, “Some, uh, things happened after you left,” he says.

  “Oh?”

  “Yeah, I came out,” he says with a laugh. “I told my family. And not just that I’m gay, I told them about George as well. I just blurted it out over breakfast the morning after you left, I didn’t even know I was going to until the words were out.”

  “Wow, how did it go?”

  “Better than I thought,” he says. “Mimi responded with ‘it’s about damn time’,” he laughs. “My mother kissed me and told me to bring George home for Christmas.”

  “No surprise there,” I say with a smile.

  “Uh, my brother said that George seemed like a nice guy and he looks forward to getting to know him better.”

  I tamp down the flutter in my belly at the mention of Will and focus my attention back on Kyle.

  “And your dad?”

  “He, uh,” Kyle swallows hard as I reach out and squeeze his hand. “He said, ‘well, now the modeling makes sense’,” he tells me, in a mocking voice. “And then he put his arm around me, and he told me that he was proud of me, and that he was sorry that he made me feel like I couldn’t tell him sooner.”

  “Oh, Kyle.” I wrap my arms around him and blink back my own tears as he wipes away his. After a minute, he leans back but still holds my hand.

  “The truth is, I think it was easier to believe they wouldn’t accept me. It was easier to move away and hide out rather than give them the chance to be supportive. I kind of took the whole black sheep deal and ran with it. It was easier to play my part and have them play theirs, than to believe differently.”

  “I’m happy for you,” I tell him truthfully. “Have you spoken to George?”

  “Well,” he cringes, “that’s my next stop. I’m hoping for the best, but if things don’t work out, I’ll deal.”

  “I’m here for you, no matter what,” I say.

  “I should let you go. I didn’t mean to hold you up,” he says, nodding to the garment bag on the table.

  “Oh, yeah, I’ve just got an overdue errand to run,” I say.

  “Good for you, Pop.”

  As we walk down the stairs together, Kyle informs me that Maureen gave him strict instructions to pass on an open invitation to the Edwards home whenever I want to visit.

  “Aw, that means a lot to me,” I say. “I really enjoyed spending time with all of them.”

  “Mimi says she’s going to find you on Instagram,” he chuckles.

  “I’ll be on the lookout,” I grin.

  “My dad said to make sure I checked in on you, in the most reserved way possible, of course,” he says. “He also said if you want another fishing lesson, the offer is always open.”

  “I may have to take him up on that,” I reply.

  “They love
you, Poppy,” he says simply.

  Before we part ways, Kyle wraps me up in a tight hug, “This is awkward, but you’re still my cleaning lady, right?”

  I lean back and smile up at him, “I want a raise,” I say.

  “Done.”

  “Good luck with George,” I tell him. “Let me know how it goes.”

  “Will do,” he says. “And, thank you, Poppy. For everything.”

  *

  I pull up to the small brick front shop and walk through the door, a bell jingling above me. I take a deep breath and approach the front counter where a young woman stands, placing an assortment of colourful silk scarves into a basket.

  “Hello,” I say. “I phoned this morning about a wedding dress.”

  “Yes,” she says. “That was me you spoke to.”

  I unzip the bag and show her the dress, she inspects it closely, checking for tears in the fabric and any kind of discolouration.

  “Are you sure?” she questions.

  “I’m sure,” I say firmly. “I do have one small request for the buyer though. And it’s probably totally weird.”

  “For this price? As long as it’s legal, weird is totally doable,” she says.

  Once I’ve explained my conditions and signed the necessary paperwork, I watch as she slips the dress over a mannequin and places it in the front window. I thank her again and when the door jingles shut behind me, I glance back just as she’s putting a sign in front of the display.

  Never been worn

  $0.00

  Chapter Fifteen

  Scott the Fish Guy and Old Lady Bras

  I sink a little deeper into my jacket, fighting the frigid air as I take the steps up to Tully’s front door. It’s Friday night and my first family supper since I got back. Work has been crazy busy this week and I’ve hardly had a chance to catch up with my parents. I reach out and ring the doorbell, surprised when Bell flings open the door and aggressively tugs me inside the house.

  “It’s about time,” she says. “Where have you been?”

  “Traffic,” I say. “Why do you have that crazy look in your eyes?”

  She unbuttons my coat for me and chucks it in the direction of the pegs hanging on the wall before she drags me towards the kitchen. She freezes right before we turn the corner and nods her head, wanting me to take a look. I peek around the corner and leaning against the counter with a beer in his hand is what I can only describe as a beast of a man.