Ashes and Ice

by Tracie Peterson

  “Peter, this isn’t a game.”

  He watched her fold her hands calmly as she leaned back against the door. “I have only the highest regard for your family. They have been gracious and kind. They have willingly taken me into their fold without question and without resentment. I thought you wanted me to get along with them. On the trip here from Skagway you encouraged me to befriend your sister, and I have done that. She is a pleasant woman who has a sharp mind for detail. She knows a great deal and has much to offer. I enjoy her company, and I believe she enjoys mine, as well.”

  Peter gritted his teeth and turned back to the desk. He opened the drawer and took out a thick fold of papers. Relocking the desk, he looked back to Grace and cocked his head to one side. “Is that all?”

  “No,” she replied softly. “Peter, I love you with all my heart. I’m sorry that I have offended you by sharing my faith with your family, but I’m not sorry for having shared my faith. I did not do so with the intention of bringing you harm or causing ill will against you.”

  “Well, for something you never intended to do, you’ve done it well.”

  “I don’t wish for you to leave in anger. We’ve had too many angry words of late.” She moved toward him, but Peter quickly held up his hand.

  “Stay your distance, madam. I will not be cajoled from my mood.”

  “I had no idea to offer such a plan. I merely hoped to offer my sincerest apology and tell you that my motivation has always been love. I love you and I love your family. But I also love God, and the love He has shown me gives me cause to want to share it with others.”

  Peter shoved the papers into his coat pocket. “I’m afraid if you are unwilling to put an end to this religious nonsense, we will constantly be at odds. I have no desire to fall into a routine of the masses. My Maker needs no such confirmation from me. God knows who He is and what He plans. He will not be swayed by my prayers or reading of the Bible.

  “In turn, I need no such lessons in religious matters from my wife.” He paused and eyed her hard. He knew it was a look that could wilt even the heartiest of his sailors, but he didn’t care. “What I need from you is obedience and respect. Without that, we cannot have a marriage.”

  “I agree,” Grace said. “I do respect you, Peter. I admire your abilities and your knowledge. I am sorry that I’ve overstepped my place at times, but I will not give up my faith because it makes you uncomfortable.”

  “It doesn’t make me uncomfortable, madam. It makes me furious. You put a fence between us, with God sitting squarely on the top rail. You use your religion as an excuse to defy me and make me look the fool in my father’s eyes, and that I find most unforgivable.”

  She again moved toward him, but once more he put up his arm to stop her. “I have business to attend to.”

  “Business that is more important than our marriage?”

  “Quite frankly, I wish I had never married you at all.”

  He hadn’t meant to say the words; they had simply poured from his mouth in his rage. So many times before he had come to regret speaking in anger, but nothing compared to the regret he felt now as he watched Grace’s expression fall and tears come to her eyes.

  Guilt propelled him past her and out of the room. He couldn’t stand to see the anguish on her face. He couldn’t bear to know that he had so neatly broken her spirit with one fatal blow. But break her he had. He was certain of it. There was a defeat in her eyes that he knew would always haunt him.

  He hadn’t meant the words. But he couldn’t take them back.

  Grace crumbled to the floor. She felt her chest tighten, her lungs desperate for air. She wanted to scream, but there were no sounds to utter. There was nothing but the hideous, abominable pain in her heart.

  I only did what I thought was right, Father. She struggled to focus on prayer rather than give in to her misery. I thought if I shared your mercy and goodness that Peter and his family would see the void in their lives and come to you. And they have . . . all except for Peter.

  Her breathing gradually returned to normal, and with it she found her voice. “Oh, Father, what am I to do? I was faithful to you. I was faithful, and now I feel as though death would be kinder than life.”

  ————

  Peter didn’t return anytime during the day, and by night when Grace prepared for bed, she was certain he was gone for good. Word came to them the next morning that Merry Maid had set off for Seattle, giving confirmation to Grace’s fear of desertion.

  “I can’t believe he has behaved so badly,” Amelia said, putting her arm around Grace. “It isn’t like him to be so cruel.”

  “He’s not fighting against Grace, Mother,” Miranda stated. “He’s fighting against God.”

  “Not a healthy stand to take,” Ephraim said as they gathered around the breakfast table. “Grace, perhaps I will have a chance to speak to him. I’m to take Summer Song north in the morning. I know it would be best if you could meet face-toface to work out your differences. Once Peter calms down, he’ll realize his foolishness and wish to make amends.”

  Grace said nothing but started when Amelia threw out the next suggestion. “Why don’t we all go north? Grace hasn’t seen her friends in some time, and with Easter approaching rather quickly, she could share the season with them as well.”

  “That would be splendid,” Miranda declared. “I would love to make the trip again. I think the adventure would be perfect for all of us.”

  “I appreciate what you’re trying to do,” Grace said quietly, “but Peter has no interest in seeing me or resolving this issue. He told me he was sorry we married, and it wouldn’t surprise me in the least if he sought to remedy the matter.”

  “He wouldn’t dare!” Amelia exclaimed. “A divorce would be a disgrace. No son of mine is going to use such an underhanded method of facing difficulties. Now I’m certain we must go north. Ephraim, you need to talk some sense into that boy before he does something foolish.”

  “I should have taken him in hand long ago,” Ephraim admitted. “I suppose it was just so much easier to give him a free hand than to oppose him.”

  “We can’t dwell on ‘should haves,’” Amelia said softly. “We can only work in the here and now. Whether or not Peter feels he needs to see Grace and work this matter out in a reasonable manner, we know the truth of it.”

  Grace thought of how wonderful it would be to see Karen. She longed to sit down and have a lengthy discussion with her friend. Only Karen would understand her pain and suffering. Karen’s faith was so strong, and she would applaud Grace’s efforts to keep God at the center of her life and to bring Him into the hearts of those around her. Karen might even give her an idea of how to help Peter.

  “I would like very much to go north,” she finally spoke.

  “It’s settled, then,” Ephraim replied, taking up the Bible. “We will have our things taken down to the ship tonight and be ready to leave at dawn.” He thumbed through the Psalms. “Ah, here is where we left off. Psalm 112, verse four. ‘Unto the upright there ariseth light in the darkness: he is gracious, and full of compassion, and righteous.’”

  Grace barely heard the words. Her heart was so full of sorrow and pain. She thought of her mother and wished silently that she could somehow materialize at the table. They had had so little time of closeness, but their letters over the last few months had given Grace such peace and happiness. If it was possible to make up the lost years, then that was truly what was happening.

  “‘He shall not be afraid of evil tidings,’” Ephraim read, catching Grace’s attention. “‘His heart is fixed, trusting in the Lord.’”

  Oh, I desire that my heart be fixed on you, oh Lord, Grace prayed in the silence of her heart. You know my heart is in pieces, Father. You know the pain I suffer. Please help me in this time of need, just as you have in all the others.

  —[CHAPTER SIX]—

  “KAREN, MERRY MAID is in the harbor,” Jacob announced. He came into their cramped quarters and threw his fur-li
ned hat onto the bed. “I saw the ship anchored there. You want me to go wait on the dock for the captain?”

  Karen shook her head and put aside the mending she’d been doing for Mrs. Neal. “No, I’ll go. I’ve just finished mending three blankets and twice as many sheets. I need some fresh air.”

  He frowned and reached for his cap again. “You know how crazy it gets down at the docks. Won’t be very safe. I’d better go with you.”

  “No, I’ll be fine. If you go, it will mean you missing lunch.” Karen pulled on her coat and reached for her bonnet. “Leah is helping Mrs. Neal in the kitchen. They should have lunch just about ready, so why don’t you get something to eats before you head back to work?”

  Jacob nodded, but Karen didn’t wait for him to comment further. She was out the door and headed down the steps before she finished tying her bonnet. The thought of telling Peter what had happened was something she both dreaded and looked forward to. Peter would understand her anger at Paxton, and he would know what to do. He wouldn’t treat her as Adrik had, expecting more from her than she could give. The dread came in knowing Peter would be devastated at the destruction of his store. Business had been very good and the profits quite high. The fire would set him back significantly, and Karen knew that wouldn’t be welcome news.

  Hurrying down the oozing thaw that was the street, Karen nodded and waved to this one and that, all the time weaving in and out of the growing crowd of newcomers. Thousands of miners had poured into Dyea for the winter, and now as the weather warmed, people came out in droves. In fact, every week more and more people poured into Skagway and Dyea, and with the growing populace came all manner of evil and hardship.

  In Dyea, there were now over forty saloons, most of them in tents, but nevertheless they distributed an abundance of libations. Positioned not far from the saloons and sometimes even within their confines were the brothels and “daughters of joy,” as the prostitutes were often called. Karen cringed as she passed by several of these less fortunate women. These sallowfaced women generally called out their propositions to the crowd, but they held a mutual silence as Karen passed by. She could not aid their need or better their situation, and that made her useless to these women. Karen, uncertain of how to deal with the issues at hand, hurried by with her head bowed. As one who was not very well acquainted with emotional love, much less physical intimacies, the women, quite frankly, embarrassed Karen. And as one who was struggling with her beliefs, Karen couldn’t even muster the interest to share her faith or suggest a better life for these lost sisters.

  She wanted to be charitable and treat them with decency, for her mother had always said Jesus did the same for the prostitutes of His time. But now, with her heart so hardened, so hurt, Karen was unsure of how to respond to anyone.

  Pushing through a crowd gathered around one of the many con men, Karen shook her head in amazement. How foolish they were. The eager newcomers were fresh and unspoiled by the harsh elements of the frozen north. They faced their futures with keen enthusiasm and great pride. They were going north to make a fortune in gold—their future promised nothing but prosperity.

  The con man promised them prosperity, as well—the quick and easy variety. They all did. From the underhanded salesman who sold secondhand saws—so dull they couldn’t slice through butter without getting caught up—to the man who played three-ball pick-any, sliding a peanut under one of three balls and letting people pay two bits a guess to find the peanut. They always lost. Always. And still they didn’t learn. They lined up for their moment—their prosperity.

  Some prosperity!

  Karen laughed in a cynical manner and lifted her skirts as she crossed the muddy streets. The weather had been so very unpredictable, and warm winds had caused a bit of a thaw, leaving the streets almost impassable as the hard frozen ground gave way to muck and standing water. Such was the paradise she had come to.

  Sandwiched between the mountains and the west branch and main stem of the Taiya River, Dyea offered as much civi- lization as it could. Folks had big plans for the town, and a harbor with proper docks stood at the top of the list. The docks were even now in a constant state of improvement thanks to the Dyea-Klondike Transportation Company, or the DKT. Jacob had helped work on the piers and told Karen they were rapidly becoming first rate. The town was bound for popularity and wealth.

  Of course, Dyea’s sister city, Skagway, already had a decent harbor and soon they would have a railroad, as well, thanks to some Englishman’s ingenuity. Karen frowned, but not because of Skagway’s vast improvements. Thoughts of Skagway only served to bring unpleasant contemplations of Martin Paxton. Karen had tried her best not to think of him at all, knowing that even speaking his name made her blood run cold and her temper run hot.

  “Yahoo!” The cry of exuberance came from one of the gambling halls as Karen came ever closer to the harbor. Day or night you could always find someone drinking or playing any number of games. Mostly it was naÏve newcomers, cheechakos, those poor undaunted souls who had no idea what they were in for.

  Having suffered an Alaskan winter, Karen was now considered a sourdough. She was well respected by the other more permanent residents of Dyea, earning her right to be among them. The thought turned bitter in her heart, however. She hadn’t come here to earn rights or achieve titles. She had come to find her father—to join him—maybe even help in his ministry. Instead, she had come too late. Her father was dead, and so too her dream of working with him.

  Gunfire rang out, along with laughter, screams, and the unmistakable sounds of fighting. Karen glanced ahead, cautiously watching in case a body were to be thrown out into the streets from the Lazy Dog Saloon. She passed quickly and unscathed, nevertheless glancing over her shoulder just in case something or someone came at her from behind. It was certainly no town to raise children in, and because she was caring for Jacob and Leah, her thoughts ran constantly to their welfare. She had no idea what would be best for them. Ideally, their father should have made those decisions, but Bill Barringer had selfishly headed north, deserting his family to Karen’s care. And while Karen could admit that the children were probably better off with her than climbing over the golden stairs of the Chilkoot Pass, she fretted that she would somehow make a mess of their lives.

  I suppose if I allow myself to stay angry all the time, she mused, I won’t be much good to them at all. But even as she recognized the truth in her thoughts, Karen pushed it aside to acknowledge her growing desire for revenge. Paxton couldn’t be allowed to go unpunished. He had long taken things into his own hands, and it was time someone stopped him. Karen knew she didn’t have the ability to stop him on her own. That was why she had to enlist Peter’s help. Peter would understand and help her to see that justice was done. Justice or revenge.

  The shallow waters that reached the shores of Dyea were not suited for ship traffic. In the early days, boats would harbor quite a distance from shore, then small launch boats or Tlingit canoes would bring their freight to dry land. The new docks and wharves were making the task much easier, but their length required a considerable haul to bring the goods into town. It had made more than one sea captain give up the idea of docking in Dyea. And it was for this reason that Skagway seemed much more likely to succeed. Karen didn’t care either way. She didn’t plan to stay forever in Dyea, nor move to Skagway. In fact, her life was so topsy-turvy at this point that she really had no idea where to head.

  I don’t belong anywhere, she thought. I don’t belong to any place or to any person. The loneliness of this thought was more chilling than the breezy April air.

  “Watch yar step there, missy,” a gruff-looking stranger said as Karen scooted past him on the docks. “Them are slippery ways.”

  Karen could see for herself that the docks were wet, and she slowed her steps to heed the man’s warning. “Can you tell me if Captain Colton of the ship Merry Maid has come ashore?”

  The man pulled off his wool cap and scratched his filthy head. His expression suggested hi
s intent consideration of her question. “I kint say that I’ve seen him.”

  She nodded. “Thank you. I’ll just press on.”

  He grunted, pulled his cap back on, and went back to his work. Karen scanned the wharves looking for any sign of Peter. She knew he would be there, for he always came ashore ahead of his freight. Even now, she could see that Merry Maid was being unloaded.

  Soon her efforts were rewarded. She spotted Peter as he pressed through a crowd of heavily laden men. People were everywhere and so were their goods. Stacks of possessions, caches for the trip north, were guarded warily by rosy-cheeked boys who had no idea of what the days to come would bring. Some strutted around the docks as if they’d already discovered gold. Others were so eager to continue their journey that they worked at an exhausting pace. Karen felt sorry for them. Few were dressed for the north. Their lightweight coats and boots were no match for the blizzards of the Chilkoot. When she worked the store, Karen had tried to convince those poor souls coming in for goods that they’d need to buy heavier coats and snow gear. Sometimes they’d listened, but more often they’d ignored her. She’d given up trying after a time, and unless someone asked her opinion, she’d sell them only what they asked for. They’d learn soon enough that this was only the beginning of a lengthy and possibly deadly journey. No sense in wearing herself out trying to convince them of things they would blindly ignore.

  “Peter Colton!” Karen called as a sea of people threatened to send her back up the wharf and onto the sandy shore. She reached out, waving her arms.

  “What are you doing here?” Peter questioned. He pushed through the crowd to take hold of her arm. “It’s sheer madness out here. You know it’s always like this when the ships come to dock.”

  “I know, but I had to talk to you before you attempted to deliver goods to the store.”

  “Attempted?” Peter asked, raising a brow. “What’s this all about?”