by Shae Scott
He reached out and covered my hand with his. “Ally, wait,” he said softly. I closed my eyes at the touch. I could feel a tear starting to prick behind my lids and I didn’t want him to see it. But his fingers over mine made me hurt so much. I had craved that touch for months, irrational or not I still craved him. Having him away had helped me pretend otherwise, but feeling the warmth of him had me falling right back into the pit I’d found myself in when he walked away.
“I’m sorry.” His voice was soft, and my fool heart wanted to hear the sincerity in it. But I pushed that back and tried to hold onto indifference.
I met his gaze, “I don’t need your apologies. You said everything you had to say. There’s nothing left.” I pulled my hand away from his and walked towards the door. I didn’t look back. I didn’t dare.
Once in the safety of my car I took a deep breath. My heart was still beating hard. The shock of seeing him again had me rattled. My hands were shaking as I turned the key.
Nashville. He had moved to Nashville. I couldn’t wrap my head around it. It was too much. Knowing that he was around, waiting for me to run into him was not something I needed. I wanted to go back to not knowing. Now, I’d be looking over my shoulder for him. I didn’t need that possibility playing with my heart. He’d walked away from me, from us. How did he think it was okay to come back after that? Why couldn’t he just keep his happy ass back in Chicago where I would never have to see him again? He was ruining everything.
Again.
“Asshole,” I muttered under my breath, pulling out of the spot and heading home. Not only had he thrown my whole day off, he’d taken over my coffee shop.
3
Owen
Seeing her again was like finally being able to take a deep breath. She simultaneously took my breath away and reminded me how to breathe again. It was because she was everything.
I spotted her in the corner, people watching. I’d come to this little coffee shop a dozen times over the past couple of months, just hoping that I’d run into her. I wanted to see her, talk to her, because at some point during the past six months I had decided that changing my life wasn’t enough. Maybe it was selfish of me, but I needed her. I needed her in my life more than I needed anything else. I had told myself that if she was happy that would be enough. But what I really meant was if she was happy with me. Only me. That’s when I’d started stopping by all of her favorite places in hopes of seeing her. If I was going to win her back I knew I had a lot of work to do and I had to start somewhere.
I knew she’d seen me. She was suddenly completely engrossed in her ereader. It made me smile until I realized it meant she was avoiding me. Well, too bad, I wasn’t going to let her hide.
When she’d finally met my gaze I’d had to fight the urge not to flinch. I saw the difference right away. She was still so beautiful, but her light, her spirit, didn’t shine as bright as I remembered. I pushed down the guilt, knowing that was because of me. She was so guarded, trying so hard to hide any type of emotion. I was actually glad when she started to get angry. It was something. But then, she hid that away too. She didn’t want to give me anything. I couldn’t blame her.
There was so much that I wanted to say, but sitting there in front of her, the words had seemed empty. I knew going in that it wasn’t going to be easy, but it didn’t change the fact that it fucking hurt like hell to see her bolt from me. I had to keep reminding myself that this wasn’t a sprint. If I wanted her back, and fuck did I want her back, I would have to put in the time. Even then, it might not happen.
I stayed at the coffee shop and finished my drink. I didn’t want to rush out after her. It was obvious that she needed to be away from me. I would give her space for now.
Sitting here at her table I swear I could still smell her shampoo. I knew it was just my imagination holding on to the memory, but it felt real.
These months without her had been a lesson in patience. Each day was a goal to be better. Instead of being so focused on getting ahead in my career, I was now focused on me. I was trying to find the version of me that I’d lost or buried. I didn’t want to be the guy always focused on the next big get. I wanted to be someone real. I wanted to find my way back to the guy that Ally saw. I wanted to be the man that she believed in.
Things were better now that I was back in Nashville. My head was clearer and I was feeling better each day. Well, better in the sense that I felt like my life was on a better track. Being back home meant I had more time to spend with Granny. I saw her a few times a week. We would have dinner and I could help her with stuff around the house. I was also able to get back to the barn and work on some of Granddad’s cars. I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed doing it. When I was out there working, I could feel him. Sometimes I would talk to him as I worked and I could almost hear his advice in my head. It made me feel closer to him.
I’d even found a house; the perfect house. I couldn’t wait to show it to Ally. I hoped I would get the chance. I’d bought it with her in mind.
I had been driving down the old country road, towards the little patch of lake where we had spent so much time together. I spent a lot of time there. Being there helped me think. I’d always had peace sitting here with Ally all of those years ago. I longed to find that again and visiting this small piece of land helped me believe that I could.
It wasn’t long after I’d arrived in Nashville and I was sitting on the fallen log overlooking the water, lost in thought and memory when I’d heard the engine of a four wheeler pull up. I looked over, surprised to see someone here. I’d never run into anyone else out here before. The man on the utility vehicle pulled to a stop beside me and eyed me curiously.
“Can I help you with something, Son?” he asked.
“No, Sir. I was just taking in the view,” I said.
He grunted. “Well, I sure don’t mind you taking time to enjoy the view. It’s nice down here. But you do know this is private property,” the old man said, but he was smirking so I knew he wasn’t mad.
“It is?” I was legitimately shocked. I had never given it any thought. We’d come here all the time and there was never any sign posted. “I’m sorry, sir, I didn’t know. I’ve been coming here for years,” I admitted.
He laughed. “It’s not a problem. People come out here all the time. I don’t get down here from the house too much these days,” he said.
“There’s a house?” I asked. I’d never noticed before.
“It’s up the hill a ways. If you take the main road up a bit you’ll hit the main drive,” he nodded his head back the way he’d come.
“I had no idea,” I said, half to myself. I hated knowing this place belonged to someone. It wouldn’t feel the same coming here now.
“Yeah. Actually, I’m selling it. So if you come back, be careful. Never know if the new owner will care,” he warned.
“You sold it?” I asked, jerking my head up. I felt a sharp pang of panic shoot through me.
“Not yet. I just put it up this week. I was out here looking over the property to see if there was anything that needed to be done,” he said.
“Can I see it? The house?” I asked jumping to my feet. My heart was slamming against my chest. This place could be mine. It could be ours, like it was always meant to be.
“You interested?” the old man asked, surprised.
“Maybe,” I tried to calm the excitement that was bubbling up “I just moved here, so I am looking for a place.”
“Well, come on up then,” he smiled. I’ll meet you up at the house. Just take the road up and then the next right will be the drive.”
I couldn’t get to the truck fast enough. I silently prayed that the house would be decent. Hell, even if it wasn’t I would tear it down and build a new one. I needed this. I held my breath as I made my way up the road. My brain was working overtime, making plans and then warning me to dismiss them, but I was too excited.
I turned down the first right and smiled, noticing how the trees grew into a tu
nnel over the drive. It screamed Ally and my hope grew a little more. When I made it to the clearing I let out a deep breath. The house that sat there made me smile wider than I had in a long, long time. All of a sudden, it felt like things could work out after all.
4
Ally
When I made my way to Granny’s the next afternoon I was nervous. What if Owen was there? I didn’t want to see him. I didn’t want to think about him at all. Unfortunately, that wasn’t working. I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t even pretend not to be obsessed with him again. It felt like all of my recent progress was shot to hell at this point. I hated that he had that kind of power over me. Was I really this weak when it came to him? Obviously, the answer was yes.
Relief hit me as I pulled up in front of Granny’s house. Her car sat alone in the drive. Half of me had expected to see Owen’s truck waiting there. Then again, he’d been back in town for six months already and had never been around on days when I was here. Maybe she saw to it that he stayed away. Either way I was glad he wasn’t here. I wasn’t sure I could have dealt with seeing him. I was still more than rattled from seeing him at the coffee shop.
“Hi, sweetheart. Come on in. I just made us some coffee and there are some snickerdoodles on the counter¸” Granny smiled as she welcomed me at the door. This woman knew the way to my heart.
“You are too good to me,” I smiled putting down my bag and following her to the kitchen. The air smelled of sugar and cinnamon from the cookies. They were fresh and wonderful. I grabbed the plate of cookies and brought it to the table.
“How have you been? Have you had a good week?” she asked as we settled in.
“I did. How about you? Anything exciting to report out here?” I asked. I watched as Granny poured me a cup of coffee and then pushed the tiny cup of half and half towards me.
“Nothing exciting ever seems to happen around here, unless you count all of the drama that circles the ladies at church. Someone’s always got an ache to complain about or some gardening disaster that needs some advice,” she winked.
“That sounds pretty serious,” I smiled stirring my coffee.
“I suppose. Lucky for me, my garden is amazing,” she laughed.
“It really is,” I laughed. The woman had a green thumb even a converted city girl like me could appreciate. The more time I spent with her the more I loved her. Even as a kid I had known how cool she was. I had latched on to her hard after the death of my own grandmother, letting her help fill the void that had been left behind. But now, as an adult I not only saw her as an amazing grandmother, but as an amazing woman. I admired her strength and her tenacity. I admired her heart. She was someone I strived to be more like.
“So tell me more about your week, dear,” she asked. She loved hearing me tell stories about work and my friends. But today, instead of telling her about my new project I asked the one question I had told myself I wouldn’t.
“Why didn’t you tell me that Owen was back?” I asked. Gran paused, her cup halfway to her lips. She’d been caught. I saw the small smile before she hid it away. “Gran,” I pushed.
She lowered her cup and gave me sweet patient smile. “I seem to recall someone making me promise that I wouldn’t talk about my grandson,” she said innocently. She was right, I had made her promise. I saw the light dancing behind her eyes. She was enjoying this. She liked that I was feeling uncomfortable. Owen was back in town and she loved that it was affecting me.
“You’re right,” I sighed. “I saw him at the coffee shop yesterday. It threw me off guard. I didn’t expect to see him,” I said.
“I imagine that was a surprise,” she said. I smiled at her. She’d been an unlikely support system for me. Her grandson might have been the cause of my heartbreak, but I wasn’t willing to lose her again. And surprisingly she had helped me begin to heal.
“It messed with my head a little,” I admitted. Here with Granny, it was easier to allow myself a sense of honest vulnerability.
“That’s to be expected, sweetie. You haven’t seen him in a long time, and let’s face it, the last time you did wasn’t easy.” She never made excuses for Owen. She would listen if I wanted to talk about him, and when I said he was off limits, she left it that way. She was a good woman and I was so thankful for her. She loved me like one of her own family and she was one of the most important people in my life. I wasn’t willing to let her go, Owen or no Owen.
“I guess,” I said. “It was just easier when I thought he was far away in Chicago. I didn’t have to worry about running into him anywhere. It felt safer. Now, I just feel like he’s around every corner, which is ridiculous, I know, but knowing he is close bothers me. I can’t explain it,” I said.
“Maybe because it’s harder to hide from it when he’s close?” Granny suggested.
Was I hiding? Maybe. I liked to call it healing, but maybe she was right.
“Can I admit something to you?” I asked my voice soft.
“Of course, dear,” she encouraged.
“I miss him. I shouldn’t. I should be so angry with him that I never want to see him again. And I am still really angry with him. But when I saw him, when he was right there in front of me…I just miss him and I hate that I do.”
Gran gave me a sympathetic smile. “You know, Grandpa Jack wasn’t always winning awards in the husband department. There were a few big screw ups that had me questioning my own choices with him. Obviously it was a much different time, and walking away wasn’t really a choice. Still, there was a time when I considered it.” I eyed her, shocked at her words. I’d always thought of them as a perfect match. I had never heard a cross word between them in all the time I’d come here as a teenager.
Gran smiled and continued, “Owen’s mom was still small, probably about 4 or so. Money was tight and I was pregnant with Bobby. Jack was stressed out because he didn’t know how we would make it with an extra mouth to feed. He was already working so many hours to take care of our family. He got really moody. We would fight in the beginning, but then it got worse. He just pulled away and shut me out. I was so lonely and he wouldn’t talk to me. He just kept all that stress inside and avoided everything in our family. It was his way of coping, but it left me all alone.
“One night, he didn’t come home for supper and I was really worried about him. I called out to his work to see if he was still there, but they said that he’d been gone for hours. I was worried sick. I just knew something bad had happened. So I grabbed up Susie and we just walked to town. Jack had the car, but I wasn’t willing to wait and see if he showed up. We walked forever, and when we finally made it to town I saw his car at the bar…not just any bar…but one of those bars where the floozies dance around in their underwear. They all thought that we didn’t know that things like that happened there, but we did.
“When I saw our car there I was livid. He had deserted me and our family and was doing God knows what in that filthy place. I was done, Ally. I wasn’t going to stand for it. I felt like I’d lost my partner.” She sighed at the memory, and I could see the pain there in her eyes as if she was there, living the moment again.
“What did you do?” I asked.
“I put Susie in the car and drove it home. I figured if I had to walk all the way to town to try and find his sorry ass, then he could sure enough walk home when he was done,” she said. I smiled, picturing it.
“What happened when he got home,” I asked.
“We talked. For the first time in ages we really talked. We’d both been so caught up in our own lives, him stressing about work and me keeping the house and the baby that we’d lost each other. We’d stopped talking and stopped being partners. Sometimes when you get so wrapped up in things you forget to reconnect. You get lost. We had lost what was important. It took a long time and a lot of work to get us back where we were supposed to be, but in the end it was worth it. We never let it get that way again. I guess sometimes you just have to work through a lot of crap to find your way,” she said.
I thought about what she was saying. I got it. I understood fighting through tough times. I’d fought hard for Owen and me. I had been there fighting each time he tried to give up. But in the end it didn’t matter.
“I wish we could have figured out a way to talk and reconnect back then,” I admitted.
“Owen is a lot like his granddad. He gets caught up in what he thinks he’s supposed to do. Sometimes it’s like he has blinders on. But when he finally sees the error of his ways he tries to fix it. He tries to set it right,” she said.
“I think it’s too late for us, Granny. I’ve lived with the hurt too long. I don’t think I could ever trust him enough to get close to him again.”
“Maybe not. Maybe you will always be the lesson he had to learn. I’m sorry that you had to go through that pain. Getting over love like that is hard, if not impossible. It marks you. An indelible mark than cannot be erased. It shapes who you are from that moment forward.” Her words carried hard earned wisdom. I felt them fully and painfully.
She was right. My time with Owen had changed me. I would always be different because of him. And while I missed the carefree girl I’d been and the hope that I’d always carried with me, I hadn’t come to the point where I was sorry for it all. The good parts still clung on and until I learned to accept living with those memories, I wasn’t sure I’d let go of the bad.
“I wish I could let him go,” I said softly. “It would be easier if I could just forget him and let it all go. If you’d asked me a few days ago I would probably have told you that I was doing better. But after seeing him, I’m not so sure about any of that now. He’s turned my whole world upside down again,” I sighed.
Granny gave me a small smile and patted my hand. “I know, sweetie. But you’re a strong girl. You’ll be just fine. You’ll get through this, whatever happens.” It sounded so simple when she said it.
