Indelible

by Shae Scott

  “Of course, let’s get out of here,” William said. I began to scoot out of the booth while he grabbed some cash out of his wallet. I waited for him, ignoring Owen as he stood beside me.

  “Don’t go. I’m sorry if I ruined your date. I was just happy to see you,” he said softly. The change in his voice caused me to pause and I looked at him. For a moment I saw him, the Owen that had made me happy. The one that had made me believe in happily ever after, the one I had fallen so deeply in love with that I had lost myself. He was dangerous for me and I couldn’t trust him.

  “I mean it, Ally. I’m sorry if I upset you. I don’t want to do that anymore,” he said, ignoring William who was looming protectively over me. He was being quiet and cool, but I could tell he was dying to get me out of here and ask me about it. Owen stepped closer, his mouth against my ear so that only I could hear him. His breath was warm and sent goosebumps all over me. “I meant every word of that song. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me and I was a fool to let you go. I want you back, Ally. I’m going to prove myself to you. It’s why I’m here.”

  My eyes shot to him in surprise. I couldn’t process what he was saying to me. He was drunk and lonely. He couldn’t mean what he was saying and even if he did, it didn’t matter.

  It didn’t.

  But it did.

  “I have to go,” I managed. I grabbed William by the arm and pulled him behind me. I needed to get out of this smoky club. The fresh air felt wonderful. It helped to zap me back to reality. The last few moments had left me in a confused fog, lost in past feelings and regrets. Everything that I was trying to get away from. I took a deep breath and tried to calm my nerves. My heart was still beating erratically and I knew there was no hiding the fact that I was completely undone.

  William gave my hand a squeeze and led me towards the car. He didn’t say a word. He was waiting. He was so patient with me and I didn’t deserve it at all. The irony wasn’t lost on me that I had essentially become the Owen in this relationship, never willing to give all of me to make it work. That thought alone made me feel sick to my stomach. How could I fault Owen when I was heading down the very same road?

  We were silent the entire way to the car. I managed an appreciative smile when he opened my door for me and helped me inside. I took a deep breath as I waited for him to join me. He didn’t start the car and I knew he wanted to ask me about Owen. I waited.

  “So, I’m guessing that’s the guy,” he said finally. I let out the breath I’d been holding. He didn’t even have to explain what he meant by the guy. We both knew what he meant. He was the guy who had turned me into this guarded shell of a person. The one that left poor William with nothing but scraps; pieces of the girl that I used to be.

  “He’s my ex,” I agreed. It sounded weird. Calling him that. It didn’t feel right and I wasn’t sure if that was because I was still mourning him or if it was that I never really felt that he was mine.

  “Wanna talk about it?” he asked. He was still staring ahead, I reached over and took his hand from the steering wheel and laid it in my lap, covering it with my own.

  “I’m sorry, William.” I didn’t know what else to say.

  Finally, he looked at me. His face told me what I already knew. He’d felt the change in me when Owen had been there.

  “I don’t need to know the story. I don’t think I really want to know. But, what happened in there…it felt…raw. I know you’ve been through a lot and you’ve told me that you were still getting over something. I think maybe it was an important something, bigger than I’d thought. I don’t know how I fit into that,” he admitted.

  I squeezed his hand. How did I explain any of it?

  “That part of my life is over. Seeing him kind of threw me. Things ended badly. Maybe things were bad all along. I don’t know. It was complicated. I gave a lot of myself and I lost a lot of myself. It changed me, but I’ve been working on finding my way back,” I admitted.

  “I’m not pushing you, Ally. You were honest with me. I chose to stay around. I did it because I care about you. I feel how guarded you are sometimes, but I see glimpses of a different girl and I’m willing to prove to her that I’m worth keeping around. But that guy in there, I don’t think he’s finished with you. And I’m not going to lie, I kind of want to punch him in the face,” he said, a slight smile creeping across his face. It broke the tension a little. I was pretty sure he was only half kidding.

  He had such hope. But he didn’t know. Not really. I had doubts that I could find my way back. Even getting to this point had been a fight.

  “I don’t know when I’ll get there,” I admitted. “Or if.” I needed to be honest with William. I didn’t want to be selfish and keep him hoping for something I may never be able to give.

  “I can wait,” he smiled.

  “Why?” I was baffled at his patience and kindness.

  “Because you’re worth waiting for,” he said simply.

  But I wasn’t.

  Not at all.

  If I were, I wouldn’t be sitting here thinking about the man that I’d left behind in that bar.

  ******

  I called Cassie first thing in the morning. “Wanna go run with me? I need to talk and get rid of some head garbage.” I was already lacing up my sneakers.

  She yawned. “Um, sure, I guess. Give me 15 and I’ll meet you at the park.” I could tell she was half asleep. She was so good to me. She could probably hear the crazy in my voice. I felt crazy and scattered and I was hoping a long run would help clear the chaos filling my head.

  “Thanks. I’ll see you there.” I hung up the phone and grabbed my keys.

  I stretched my limbs as I waited for Cassie to show up. She strolled up to me, hair in a hasty ponytail. She yawned and gave me a quizzical look. “This must be serious,” she said, bending over and stretching to her toes.

  “I saw Owen last night. He got drunk and serenaded me at a bar in front of William,” I blurted out.

  Cassie popped back up and stared at me open-mouthed. “No shit?”

  “It was a very interesting evening,” I sighed.

  “Spill,” Cassie demanded.

  “Let’s run, I’ll tell you as we go,” I said. I needed to get rid of some of this excess energy. Maybe if I talked it out I could wrap my head around it.

  We took off down the path and I waited until we hit our stride to start my story. I told her all about him showing up on the stage and singing and then coming to the table. She winced when I told her about the way he and William had had a mini stand off and about the talk I’d had with William later in the night.

  “Dang, Ally. No wonder you are having an anxiety attack,” she said.

  “I am a mess,” I admitted. “It was bad enough seeing him again, but to have him there when I was with William was torture. It was just so awkward.”

  “I cannot believe that he sang on stage,” Cassie shook her head.

  “I know. I don’t think he has ever sung in public. But he was drunk. I mean, I don’t know if he’d even remember that he did it. It was so unlike him,” I groaned.

  “That song is pretty sweet though,” Cassie said thoughtfully.

  “Stop. I don’t even want to think about it,” I warned.

  “Sorry.” She gave me a half-hearted smile.

  “Cass, I just don’t know what to do about the whole thing. Having him back in town is hard. This is a big city; I shouldn’t have to worry about running into him. Every time that I see him it just pulls me backwards. I hate it. I wish he had just stayed in Chicago.”

  “Maybe you are seeing him all the time because he wants you to. I don’t know, Al, but it looks like he has a plan.”

  I thought back to what he said to me before I left the bar and sighed. Maybe she was right. Maybe he did have it in his head that we could fix things between us. But he was wrong. That part of us was over and gone. I wasn’t going to be an idiot and fall for his charm again. I just needed to stay away from him. Things were le
ss confusing when I didn’t have to see him.

  “It doesn’t matter, there’s William. And even if there wasn’t, he can’t expect me to forgive him. He destroyed me. You know this. You were there.” I threw her a look.

  “I remember. You know I’m not on his side. But I’m still a sucker for a happy ending,” she said.

  I glared at her. “There are no happy endings with Owen Brooks. That is a lesson I have finally learned.” My voice carried an air of determination, even if my heart hadn’t quite bought into the idea.

  “I get it. I do. So what do you think William thought about the whole thing?” she asked.

  I sighed as I thought about William. “He is so patient. I don’t deserve it at all. I worry about what I’m doing to him. Sometimes it feels like I’m treating him the way Owen treated me. I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to be that person. Maybe I should end it. It’s obvious I still have issues to sort through. I’m not ready for a relationship,” I admitted. The thing with William was really weighing on me and saying it out loud made me hear the truth in the words.

  “Don’t be too hard on yourself. Getting over something like you had is hard. Just be honest with him. He seems like a good guy.” She was good at reassuring me.

  “He is. The best. And I have told him from the beginning that I needed to take things slow. But after last night I think he sees more of a future there than I can give him at this point,” I said.

  “And you don’t feel it?” she asked, curiously.

  “I don’t know. I mean, I don’t feel that rush that I did with Owen. With him it was all consuming. He overtook me and I couldn’t get enough of us. William feels safe. And I don’t know if that’s just me having my guard up, or if we just don’t have that same fire, ya know?”

  “But he seems to think that you do?” Cassie probed.

  I shrugged. “I guess. I don’t know. I mean he definitely wants to move things along. I just haven’t gotten to the point where I can sleep with him. It feels weird,” I admitted.

  “That’s because you are still hanging on to Owen. That’s normal. But you’re going to feel weird about the next guy no matter what. Maybe you should just go for it. Maybe it would be good for you,” she suggested.

  “I don’t know.” I was doubtful. I needed to feel some kind of fire to sleep with someone. Besides, William was too nice to use as some kind of sex guinea pig. That wouldn’t be fair.

  “Just think about it. Maybe you just need a change of scenery to get over the whole thing,” Cassie said as we slowed to a stop, having reached our original bench after circling the lake.

  “That’s what you said when he asked me out. I did that. It hasn’t helped yet,” I laughed.

  “Yeah, well, I can’t be expected to know all of the answers,” she laughed.

  “Then what good are you? That’s why I called you. I need the answers.” I bent forward to stretch my muscles.

  Cassie sat down on the bench and studied me. “Ally, I wish I had the right advice to get you over everything. I wish I knew if banging William would help you get over Owen. I wish I knew if Owen could really change and make you happy again. But I think only time is going to tell. You will get there. I know it doesn’t feel that way, but you will. You’ve come a long way already. And minus this whole ice princess thing you have going on half the time, I think you are doing quite well. Pretty sure the ice bitch will melt eventually.” She gave me a wink and I laughed.

  “When did life get so hard?” I asked.

  “First world problems, my friend. Now, let’s go get a donut. I’m starving!” I laughed and followed her to the parking lot. She may not have the answers for me, but just talking it out made me feel less scattered than I had been.

  ******

  I thought a lot about my talk with Cassie as I ran errands and attempted a normal Saturday. I kept going back and forth, a pendulum of indecision. Not only could I not decide what to do about William, but my mind kept drifting back to Owen. When the Blake Shelton song from the night before came on the radio I tried to change it, but instead I found myself lost in the lyrics and lost in memories of better times.

  Each memory came with intense feelings. Pain. Longing. Anger. Frustration. Feeling so much made me feel pretty confident of what needed to happen with William. I had to end it. This wasn’t fair to him. I wasn’t ready for a relationship and I refused to hurt him by letting him believe that I would be anytime soon.

  The decision made me sad, but mostly because I would be losing someone amazing who, in another life I could have fallen in love with, someone who would have made me happy. I resolved myself for a hard discussion that night.

  He was supposed to be over at seven which gave me a couple of hours to figure out what I wanted to say. I figured I would still make dinner. I didn’t want to just hit him with my decision right away. Or should I? I had gotten in over my head and now I didn’t know how to unravel this relationship. It was selfish of me to hope that we could remain friends. I wouldn’t ask him for that. But I would miss him. I would miss the comfort that he’d provided me. He was important to me. Regardless of what I was still sorting out with Owen, he’d become a part of my life and I would feel his absence. But I couldn’t hang on to him just because it made me feel better. Not when I couldn’t give him what he needed.

  I busied myself in the kitchen, making dinner. By the time he showed up I’d had two glasses of wine to settle my nerves.

  He had flowers.

  He leaned in to kiss me and instead of kissing my cheek like he so often did, his lips found mine, his hand at the base of my neck, pulling me in closer to him. Perhaps the previous night had left him feeling unsettled as well.

  “Hi,” he smiled.

  “Hi,” I returned, stepping back a little unsteady on my feet. “Um, I’m making dinner. I hope you are hungry.”

  “It smells good,” He said as he followed me into the kitchen. I handed him a vase for the flowers so I could see to the food.

  “Did you have a good day?” he asked. Maybe I was imagining things, but he seemed nervous, less sure of himself than he normally was. I hated that. I knew what it was like to live with doubt.

  “Yeah, mostly ran errands; went running with Cassie this morning.”

  “Wow, you got Cassie to go running with you early?” he asked, laughing. Cassie was known to avoid any early morning wake up call if she could get out of it.

  I shrugged and handed him a beer. He settled in at the bar and watched as I continued to cook. I couldn’t seem to calm the butterflies that were dancing in my stomach. I hated knowing that this would be our last night together. I caught myself stealing glances at him. He was such a beautiful man. I knew it was selfish to want him around, to let him settle for something less than fire and sparks. I may not be cut out for that kind of thing, but that didn’t mean he didn’t deserve to have it.

  He caught me staring and a smile lit his face, crinkling his eyes as he watched me.

  “Something I can help you with?” he asked, his voice turning flirty and smooth as he finally began to relax.

  “Nope,” I said softly, turning my attention back to the stove. This was hard.

  William continued to talk to me while I finished dinner and it was so nice that I found myself doubting what I needed to do. Owen had me all messed up. What if I was making a mistake? What if I was letting him get in the way of something that could be good? What if I acting too quickly?

  I was quickly becoming a mess.

  We continued to talk throughout dinner. This felt so easy. It felt uncomplicated and safe. Was it wrong of me to crave that kind of safety after the year I’d had?

  “You want to take this wine and go into the living room?” he asked.

  Did I?

  I managed a nod, grabbed my glass and followed him into the living room. He sunk into the soft cushions and motioned for me to join him. I did, sipping my wine and trying like hell to find the right words.

  “What’s wrong, Ally?�
�� he asked. My eyes darted to his and my heart softened at the look of concern in his.

  “I’ve just been thinking a lot. I guess I’m a bit stuck in my head tonight,” I admitted.

  He nodded and took my hand. “Last night was interesting. I’ve been thinking about it all day,” he admitted.

  “I am sorry about all of that. He used to live in Chicago, he just moved back,” I said.

  “Ally, I know you have a past. I know that you have been through a lot. I get it. I see how you protect yourself and I know that sometimes it is easier to run than think about having to go through any of that again. I’ve been there. But I think we could be great together,” he said.

  He was so sincere, so open. I’d been that way once too. But I couldn’t do that again. I couldn’t risk it, not the way he was ready to do.

  “I don’t think I can be what you need,” I said softly.

  He took the glass of wine from my hand and set it on the table and then turned back to me.

  “You already are. I’m not asking for forever. I’m just asking you to give me a chance. Let me show you what we could have,” he said. He pulled me closer to him and I couldn’t help but hold my breath.

  Cassie’s words came back to me, telling me to try and let go and see what could happen. It would be weird to be with someone else after Owen, it was always weird, I just had to get over the weirdness. Was she right? Was I holding off and running because it felt wrong or was I doing it because it was wrong?

  With him sitting here so close, and saying perfect things I wanted to believe that I was wrong. It made me long for a breakthrough. Maybe it really was like jumping into the deep end, it was scary and you didn’t know if you’d like it, but you had to jump to find out.

  With Owen, there had never been a question. I’d wanted to jump right in. I never stopped to question it, even when I should have. But look how that had turned out. I knew that I couldn’t compare this to that if It was what had me behaving so erratically.