Indelible

by Shae Scott

  Anxiety found me as the many questions assaulted me. I lay there a few moments longer before deciding that I had to leave. I glanced over at the clock with a mental groan. It was nearly 3:30 in the morning. I knew there was no way that I was sleeping. I was too keyed up and my mind refused to shut down. I wasn’t ready to face the morning with him. I could just feel the awkwardness now. I didn’t know how to explain last night, or why I’d come here. I didn’t have the answers that I was sure that he’d want.

  Yeah. I needed to go home. I listened for a moment, focusing in on Owen’s steady breathing. He was sleeping. I slid carefully from his grasp, pausing to see if the movement had awakened him. I held my breath and waited to see if the steady rhythm would continue. When it did and he made no signs of waking I crawled out of the bed. Searching for my scattered clothes became a challenge, as the only light in the room was cast by the moonlight drifting through the open window.

  Dress finally in hand I took a moment to look down at him. He seemed relaxed, almost peaceful. I loved him that way. Part of me wanted to crawl back into bed with him and let him hold me until morning. I quickly kicked that part of me in the shins and took control of the situation again. I wasn’t ready for mornings. Hell, I wasn’t really all that ready for the nights. But it had happened and I would just deal with that later…at my own house and in my own time.

  As I walked through the living room, in search of my shoes and to the front door I heard a faint whimper followed by a steady thump of a tail hitting the hardwood. Charlie. I bent down and gave the puppy a rub of the ears.

  “You stay here and be quiet. Don’t be giving me away,” I whispered to him. He gave me a big yawn as I gave him a final pat on the head. I found my shoes where I’d kicked them off earlier, and snuck out the front door like a teenager. Worse…the ultimate walk of shame. Thank God, Owen had moved to the country.

  It wasn’t until I had shut the door behind me that I remembered that I didn’t have a car and I was nearly 45 minutes outside of Nashville. “Shit,” I muttered. I couldn’t go back in. Not only did I still not want to face Owen in the morning, the door was locked. I was stuck. “Shit,” I groaned again. I had not thought this through. I sat down on the porch steps feeling all kinds of slutty. What was I going to do now? It was the middle of the night.

  I sighed, knowing I really only had one option. She was going to kill me. I would never hear the end of this. I pulled out my phone and dialed.

  “Hello?” The sleepy voice greeted me and I took a deep breath.

  “Cass, I need you to come get me. I did something stupid.”

  She showed up an hour later, still in her pajamas. Lucky for me, Owen hadn’t woken up. I’d sat alone in the darkness thinking over the night going back and forth between anger at myself for giving in and flashes of memory of how he’d made me feel. I might not want to dwell on what we’d done, but it had been amazing. I’d missed feeling him. My body had ached to feel him and I couldn’t lie and say that it hadn’t filled an emptiness within me. At least for a moment.

  I climbed into the car, trying to avoid her gaze. “How was your night, doll? You have some serious sex hair happening,” she said. I sighed. At least she didn’t sound mad about having to drag herself out in the middle of the night to rescue me. God I had the best friend.

  Finally, I braved a look at her. “Probably not my wisest decision ever,” I admitted as she headed out of the drive.

  “Which part? Coming out here in a cab, leaving in the middle of the night, or banging your ex boyfriend?” she asked.

  I groaned.

  She laughed.

  “Don’t stress about it. At least you have the entire ride home to tell me how it all went down! Consider it payment for my transportation services.”

  I made it home under the cover of darkness and changed into some yoga pants and a tank top, then crawled into my own bed. I still couldn’t sleep so I stared at my ceiling as opposed to his. I needed to figure out what I’d say when I saw him again. Because at this point I was pretty sure that he wasn’t going to just disappear into oblivion. I just had to decide if I wished he would or not. One thing was for sure, Owen Brooks had set my world askew again. Maybe he always would. It seemed pretty clear that I had no defenses when it came to him.

  I’m not sure where the night had left us. Surely he wouldn’t assume that it meant we were going to go back down that road again. It was more like scratching an itch or something. We had both been without any kind of physical attention for awhile. It was only natural to fall back into each other. It surprised me that he hadn’t been with anyone else. He’d always been one to hook up with randoms to fulfill his needs. It’s not like he had hang ups about it like I did. I hadn’t even been able to give up the goods with my new boyfriend. Surely Owen didn’t have that problem. I was pleased to know that he hadn’t been with anyone else, but it felt heavy. Was he simply telling me that so that I would let him back in? No. He wouldn’t lie to me about that. I believed him. I just didn’t know why.

  This whole new gray area with Owen had me feeling anxious. Even though things felt different, even though he felt different; the memory of our goodbye still flashed its ugly head when I didn’t need the reminder. But the whole thing was so confusing now. If he indeed hadn’t really loved me, if it had only been a game, then why would he keep trying to get close to me now? Why would he remain sexless for seven months? It didn’t add up. I knew he wanted to talk about that night. I knew he had things he felt like he needed to say, but I couldn’t go back there. I hadn’t even decided if I could let him back into my life, but I already knew that if I did it would have to be a new start. I couldn’t go back and try and repair what was. I needed to leave that buried if I had any hope of being around him again.

  I had to admit though, that after last night, the idea of not having him in my life felt too hard. But the road back seemed nearly impossible too.

  God, he felt so good. His touch did things to me. I had wondered if I’d ever feel that fire in my blood again after he left. I should have known that he was the only one who could give it to me. He knew my body in ways that should be illegal. He was a dangerous weapon and I had surrendered. I had begged him to use it all on me. I had needed him in a way that felt completely uncontrolled. My body ached for him. It was a physical need and once he’d touched me I’d lost any fight. I had been more than willing to be his plaything for a night.

  I groaned into the silence of my room.

  I needed an intervention.

  An Owen intervention.

  It was becoming obvious that I couldn’t quit on my own.

  19

  Owen

  I knew the moment that I pulled her into my arms that she wasn’t going to stay. I felt her tense up and I heard her silent questions and second guessing. I wanted to believe that it was some sort of breakthrough, but I knew better. I knew going in that sleeping together was not going to fix anything. But I’d wanted her. I wanted her more than anything else in the entire world. When she’d kissed me I’d lost all control. Her body fit so close to mine that I couldn’t stop myself. I was a starving man and she was what I needed to survive. I couldn’t hold back any longer. Sure, there was the voice telling me to step back. I heard the warnings. I ignored them. I needed her. I needed to feel her body beneath me, the warmth of her surrounding me. There was no way I was going to walk away from it.

  Now, in the light of day, I needed to prove to her that it hadn’t been a mistake. I knew she was freaking out. I could have tried to stop her when she decided to sneak out of bed at 3:27 am. But I pretended to be asleep and I had let her go. I had to. Confronting her now, while her emotions were this scattered wouldn’t do either of us any good. So I let her leave. I thought she’d eventually come back to bed, after all she had no car. When she didn’t I’d crept into the living room and glanced out the front window. She was sitting on the porch, her head resting on her knees. I wanted to go to her, make her talk to me, but then Cassie pulled up and
she was gone. I went back to bed and stared up at the ceiling fan until dawn.

  I could still smell her on me, on the sheets. The scent had me feeling warm and needy. I could have made love to her all night. I wanted to. Hell, just having her in my arms felt like winning the fucking lottery. What’s more, knowing she hadn’t been with that William guy or anyone else while we were apart was a fucking relief and something I didn’t deserve. But it soothed me. I don’t know if I could survive knowing that she had been with someone else. Yes, that made me a selfish bastard, but I didn’t care. She was mine.

  No.

  I was hers.

  I wanted her to be mine, but she was still far from that. Either way, I belonged to her, today and always. Having her with me made me feel whole. It was cheesy as shit to admit that, but it was truth. I got it. I felt it. I was a sap and I didn’t even fucking care anymore. At this point, I was seriously considering just standing beneath her window with a giant boom box over my head.

  I settled on bagels. I don’t think they make boom boxes anymore anyway, and holding my iPod above my head wouldn’t have the same impact. I grabbed the bag of bagels from the front seat and made my way to her door. It was 8:30 and I knew there was a chance I would wake her. Maybe she’d just invite me back to her bed. My dick twitched at the thought. Now that we’d had her again, neither of us wanted to wait too long for a repeat performance.

  She opened the door and I took a moment to take her in. She was still dressed casually, in some yoga pants and a tank top, her hair pulled back in a messy ponytail and her feet bare. She was stunning. I had an overwhelming need to kiss her senseless, but I worked to reign it in.

  “You left before breakfast,” I teased, giving her a wink. She bit her lip nervously before letting out a long sigh.

  “Come in,” she offered, opening the door wider.

  “I brought you bagels from Danny’s Cafe. I know you like them best. I even got you veggie cream cheese, though I still don’t know how you eat that crap for breakfast,” I smiled and caught her eye as I put the bag on the counter. “No judgment,” I smiled, trying to remain casual while secretly trying to read her for some clue as to what she was thinking.

  “You didn’t have to bring me breakfast,” she said softly. She was nervous, unsure of how to act or what to say. I went to the cabinet and pulled out a couple of plates, then I grabbed two mugs and filled them up with coffee, all the while watching her from the corner of my eye. She had her arms crossed over her chest, watching me.

  “Sit,” I smiled pulling out a barstool and sitting down. She followed my lead and I pushed her plate towards her. She watched me closely, trying to get a handle on the situation. “You look confused,” I said taking out a plain bagel from the bag along with the normal cream cheese.

  “I guess I’m still trying to figure out why you are here with bagels,” she admitted, avoiding my gaze while getting her own bagel out of the bag.

  I shrugged. “Well, I had planned on making pancakes, but someone left my place a little early this morning.” I gave her a sideways glance and saw the blush color her cheeks.

  “Sorry about that. I guess I kind of freaked out,” she admitted.

  “I know. It’s okay. I just didn’t want too much time to pass. Best to just deal with it now so you don’t stress yourself out, don’t you think?” I asked tearing off a piece of my bagel and popping it into my mouth.

  “We don’t have to make it a big deal,” she said. She was avoiding my stare.

  “Don’t worry. I didn’t come over here to push or try and get you back into bed. Although, I quite enjoyed feeling you beneath me. I’ve missed being buried deep inside you,” I said. She looked away from me shyly. Maybe I should have kept that last part to myself, but really, I wanted her to know. And I had made the decision to own every single one of my feelings, good or bad. I reached out my thumb tracing her cheek as I lifted her chin so that our eyes met again.

  “Eat your breakfast, Ally,” I smiled. I saw her swallow hard before letting out a tense sigh.

  She pulled out the bagel and smeared the disgusting veggie cream cheese all over it. I made a face and she laughed. I loved the sound of her laugh. It drifted over me, settling in and making it easier to breathe.

  “It’s really good,” she laughed taking a bite, her tongue darting out to grab the excess cream cheese from her lip. Fuck, I wanted to kiss her. I wanted to take off her tank top and run my tongue over her nipples. I wanted to feel the silk of her skin under my fingers as I caressed every part of her sweet flesh.

  I tried to shake the image from my mind. I had to take this slow. She had skipped out in the middle of the night; she wasn’t ready for any of that just yet. I had to keep reminding myself to be patient. When she was this close, though, I didn’t want to be patient. I’d been waiting months to have the chance to be this close to her again and all I could think of was how much I wanted her to feel the weight of me on her, to feel me pushing into her over and over and making her whimper in that way that hit me straight in the heart. After last night, the thought consumed me. It was harder to tuck away with the taste of her still so fresh on my lips.

  I cleared my throat, gathering my wits about me again. “You want to talk about it?” I asked. She bit her lip nervously. I wasn’t used to seeing her so unsure of things.

  She shrugged and took a deep breath. “I was out with the girls and I’d had some wine. I guess I got myself worked up and I just got so mad at the whole stupid situation. It’s just…it’s hard. I’m just so confused at what to do. I don’t want to want you anymore and the fact that I do…well…I’m not sure what to do with that,” she said.

  I believed her. I saw it on her face.

  I swallowed hard, “Okay.”

  “You hurt me, beyond anything I’ve ever felt before. It still hurts, everyday, but when I’m around you I still feel that pull towards you. My body and my heart still want you and I hate it. I should be able to let you go and move on. After everything that’s happened, I should be able to do that,” she said.

  I stared at her. She was looking at the counter in front of her, avoiding my eyes.

  I took a long moment before responding. I hated hearing the pain in her voice, knowing that I had caused it. I didn’t want to hurt her ever again. This was delicate territory. She was opening up to me and I didn’t want to mess it up.

  “I wish I could take that night back. I made a really bad decision. I’ve made a lot of them. But, I’m trying to fix it now. I’m trying to be the man you saw in me. I know that guy didn’t deserve you, but I want to be the guy who does. I need you, Ally. I need you so fucking much. If I could take back every bit of pain that I caused you, I would. But I can’t do that. I can’t go back. All I can do is try and prove it to you now. I’m going to spend each and every day trying to prove it to you. I just want you to find a place where you can let me.” I admitted.

  She finally looked up to me and her eyes were shiny with would be tears. I reached out and ran a thumb across her cheek. Shit, I didn’t want to make her cry.

  “I don’t know if I can. I don’t know what I’m willing to give to you. I just feel like I have always given in. I’ve always been willing to bend. It’s made me a fool, Owen, and I’m not sure I can do it again; even if there might always be a part of me that wants to.” Her voice was soft, shaky. I appreciated the honesty, but it cut deep too.

  “I get it,” I agreed, “but I’m still going to try. I’m not willing to let you go. I’m going to fight for you. I’ll wait and I’ll fight until you can tell me one hundred percent that you can’t love me anymore. But even then, I’m going to love you. Even then I will belong to you,” I admitted. I saw the tear slide down her cheek and I leaned in to kiss it away.

  She looked up and I saw the pull there in her eyes. I saw the conflict that she was feeling. I wanted to take it away. I wanted to find a way to ease her worry and show her how committed I was to this. But there was nothing that could do that but time. I had t
o be patient and show her. Words were great, but they were cheap, especially when you’d burned bridges with them in the past. This time I’d have to prove it. One promise kept at a time, one memory made at a time. I was okay with that. It was worth it to me. I was more than willing to put the work in to make her believe.

  I pulled away, resting my forehead against hers. “I’m going to go now. Let you have some space. But I won’t be far.” I said. She nodded, lip between her teeth. “I’ll call you later.” I kissed her forehead and then made my way to the door. I glanced back and saw that she was staring at the counter. I didn’t want to leave, but she’d do better away from me for a breather. She had a lot to digest. I could only trust that she’d come away with a clearer head and a heart that she’d hand over to me again.

  20

  Ally

  If I was going to avoid Owen after our night together I was in for a disappointment. He wasn’t going to let me. He showed up on Sunday to take me to lunch. When I showed up at Granny’s on Wednesday for dinner and dominoes he was there wearing a big smile and toting Charlie. The puppy was quickly becoming a buffer. He knew I couldn’t resist so he used it to his advantage.

  “I didn’t know you were going to be here,” I said as I walked into the house, I grabbed the puppy from his arms and walked away.

  “No kiss?” he asked, smirk in place.

  “Only for sweet boys named Charlie,” I said, nuzzling the puppy.

  “Can’t catch a break,” he teased.

  “Where’s Granny?” I asked, sinking to the floor so I could play with Charlie.

  “She’s upstairs. She’ll be down in a minute.” Owen joined me on the floor. I took a moment to take him in. He was casual. God, I loved him casual. His shirt was a dark gray, simple but perfect in the way it hugged his body. His arms looked strong as he reached out and wrestled with the tiny pup. I wanted to crawl across the floor and into his lap.