Indelible

by Shae Scott

  Either way, she felt amazing and as she came apart around me, I let go and emptied everything into her, saying her name over and over again. As we caught our breath, still clinging to one another, I found my voice.

  “I didn’t mean to attack you. You were just so beautiful, I couldn’t stop myself,” I

  “I’m not complaining,” she smiled kissing my chest. I was covered in a thin sheen of sweat.

  “I’d still like to take you to bed,” I offered, kissing her shoulder.

  ‘I’m not sure I have enough energy to let you,” she laughed softly.

  “Don’t worry, baby, I’m going to do all the work.” I lifted her up off the table and carried her to my room. I might need some time to recover, but I knew exactly what I wanted to do to pass the time.

  23

  Ally

  It was sill dark outside when I woke up wrapped around Owen. His steady breathing and the warmth of his skin against mine was comforting. I had missed it so much. I had missed us. The way we fit together, the way we laughed together. I’d missed this physical closeness, but I’d also missed the calm and peace that being near him had always brought me. He was home to me and I was beginning to admit to myself that I really did want to go home again.

  I wanted to stay here tucked in next to him, but my bladder was winning the battle. I slowly peeled myself away from him and then padded into the bathroom. I pulled my messy hair back into loose ponytail splashed some water on my face and just stared at myself in the mirror. The girl staring back at me was different. She had more lessons under her belt, a past that had left scars that would always remain. But there was something new now. Hope. I could see it there in her eyes and it was something that had been missing for far too long.

  I made my way back into the bedroom and took a moment to just stare down at this beautiful man. I had never loved anyone the way that I loved him. Not even close. He consumed me and it made it hard to breathe without him. He had curled up with my pillow and it made me smile. He looked so peaceful.

  I glanced at the clock. 5:45. I quietly grabbed my jeans and t-shirt and slipped them on. I tiptoed out to the kitchen and found a piece of paper and a pen and scribbled down a note for Owen and then went back and placed it on the table beside the clock I didn’t want him to worry if he woke up before I returned.

  When I got to the living room Charlie’s tail started thumping on the floor. “Wanna go down to the water?” I whispered. He jumped up excitedly and followed me. I shut the door behind us and we started down the hill to the lake. To our spot. I felt an overwhelming need to be there. I needed to process my feelings in our special place.

  The air outside was brisk and I thought about going back in for a jacket. But I didn’t want to risk waking Owen. The birds were starting to wake up and they sang us a song as we made the trek down the hill towards the lake. I loved it out here. I still couldn’t believe that Owen lived here now. It felt like fate. This place had always meant so much to him. I loved that he shared it with me.

  We reached the water as the sun began to peak out from behind us. The lake got the sunset, but the hill got the sunrise. I was rarely awake to stop and appreciate the breaking of a new day so I sat down on my tree trunk and waited. It felt kind of fitting to see it. It was a new beginning, a new day, and I felt like it was my new beginning too. Charlie lay at my feet soaking in the morning and it was so peaceful that things seemed to take on a clarity that I’d been missing.

  I had spent the last seven or eight months trying to push down my emotions. I had been fighting a daily battle of letting go and holding on. My mind had been in a constant state of question and regret. It had been a dark place and it had changed me so much. At least I thought it had. I had kind of held on to that, thinking it was necessary if I ever wanted to move on.

  I’d never been afraid of feeling. I may have been cautious in my life, but I never backed away from feeling something. I had always been a contradiction like that, straddling the line between cautious action and reckless emotion. It was a hard line to walk, but it was me.

  After my break up with Owen I had moved firmly to the cautious side. I’d needed the safety of it. I could be numb there and force the devastation of my heartbreak down far enough to carry on through my day-to-day. I knew what people were probably thinking about the whole situation. I was aware that I looked foolish for having trusted the wrong person. But I had and I couldn’t go back and change it. Maybe I didn’t even want to. And there in lay the problem. As much pain as the end of my relationship had caused me, no matter how much pain I felt with the absence of him or the humiliation I felt every single time I thought about the words he had said when he left…I was still grateful to have lived it. I was grateful to have felt that all consuming love with him. It had made me feel alive and for a little while I felt like I had everything I’d ever wanted. Some people never get that chance at all. Some people never find that person who makes them feel like they could take on the world. Owen did that for me. No matter what he’d said when he’d left about never having loved me, I had felt loved.

  Sure, I’d tried to hold on to those words and change the way I saw things for awhile. Because let’s face it, it’s easier to be mad, It’s easier to lose something that was a lie than something that was completely real. So I held on to that as a way to heal. It didn’t always work. There were quiet moments when I remembered. When my heart reminded me that there was no way I had misread things. That man had loved me. He’d loved me in spite of never believing that he knew how. And it was those little moments that had allowed me to let him back in. That little piece of me that held on behind the wall I’d built to protect myself. It was that small piece of vulnerability that had led me here, where I’d been sure I’d never be again.

  Could I try again? God knows I wanted to. I believed him when he said he’d made a mistake. I believed him when he said that he’d done what he thought was right. The scars were still there and it still hurt when I thought back to that night and all those that had passed since.

  But when he was looking at me now, with those eyes full of sincerity I felt it again. I felt the love and it’s hard to fight against that. I’m not sure I want to fight against it anymore. I want to believe in my happy ending and I want to believe that I can have it with Owen.

  But I’m cautious.

  And I think that’s okay. The question is can he accept that I’m cautious. He says he wants to prove it to me. I want to let him. But I don’t want our whole future to be a game of him working to prove something. I don’t want us to live like that. I want us to be a team, a support for one another. I don’t want us to constantly be struggling to fix what happened. I need new memories. New beginnings.

  I assume all of this rambling means that I’ve essentially made up my mind. I have to try, right? If I walk away now I will always wonder. Life is full of what ifs. No matter what you choose, there is always the what-if of the path not taken. The trick is figuring out which one will bring you the least regret. This feels like the road I have to take. It’s the biggest risk, but hopefully it will be the one with the biggest reward too.

  24

  Owen

  My heart sunk when I woke up and realized that she wasn’t there. She’d run. Again. I closed my eyes, letting out a deep breath as the ache in my heart took hold. I had thought we’d moved forward last night. I thought we’d finally had a breakthrough. I had let hope get the best of me. She wasn’t here. Maybe I’d never get her back. When it all came down to it, maybe it was just too much. Maybe we were unfixable.

  Fuck.

  I didn’t believe that. I knew we could make it. I thought she’d finally seen it too. Last night had been real. The connection between us was so strong and so powerful that there was no way that she hadn’t been right there with me. No way.

  But she wasn’t here.

  I rolled over to look at the clock. It was barely dusk outside. She hadn’t even waited until morning to make her escape. It hurt.

&nb
sp; Then I saw it.

  The small piece of paper sitting next to the alarm clock. I grabbed it hesitantly and switched on the lamp, squinting at the sudden shock of light.

  Went down to water. Be back soon.

  She’d signed it with a heart. I felt the air whoosh from my lungs with instant relief. Like a man who’d just been spared by a last minute call from the Governor, my heart was spared. Just like that.

  I jumped out of bed and grabbed my jeans and a sweatshirt from the closet. I shoved my feet into some sneakers and made for the door. Charlie was gone so she must have taken him with her. I grabbed the blanket off the couch at the last minute and headed outside.

  The sun was coming up fast behind me as I made my down the hill towards the lake. I needed to see her. I needed it like air. I wish she’d woken me up. I hated waking up without her. I liked seeing her sleepy smile and I liked being able to take her beneath me while we were both still drowsy. I liked her first words in the morning to be my name, called out as I brought her to release.

  As I broke out into the clearing I saw her sitting on broken down tree trunk, Charlie sprawled happily at her feet. She wasn’t facing the water like normal. She was looking up at where the sun was making its assent. She was so fucking beautiful it took my breath away. The sun cast a soft glow over her and if I’d had a camera I would snap this picture. She was perfect. Absolutely perfect. How had I been so lucky to have this stunning creature come into my life? Not just once, but I still got to keep her even after all of my screw ups.

  I walked towards her and as she saw me approach she smiled. That sweet genuine smile that melted everything inside me. That smile made me whole. I didn’t say a word; I just grabbed her face and kissed her. She grabbed hold of my neck in surprise, but she kissed me back. I pulled her to her feet so that I could fit her close against my body.

  When I finally let her up for air she laughed at me. “Well, good morning to you too,” she said.

  “Sorry. I couldn’t help myself,” I chuckled, kissing her nose, her lips, her forehead.

  “Did I wake you? I tried to be quiet,” she said, snuggling against me. She was cold. I grabbed up the blanket I’d dropped during my attack and wrapped it around her. She smiled up at me appreciatively.

  “No, I just woke up. I didn’t like that you weren’t there. I had to come find you. What are you doing down here so early anyway?” I asked. I felt her shrug.

  “I was awake and I thought it might be nice to watch the sun come up.” I glanced behind us where the sun was bright and full. “Not as great of a view for sunrise, huh?” I frowned. There were too many trees in the way.

  “It’s okay. It was still nice to watch. I love it out here; the quiet, the memories that make me feel like I’m at home. It’s perfect,” she said. I loved hearing her say things like that. I loved that we had this place and it was ours. Forever. I hoped she’d stay here with me that long.

  “Maybe I’ll have to build you a place to watch the sunrise too. Out back or something. A porch swing maybe.” I was already making plans. She smiled at me.

  “That would be nice.”

  I brushed the hair from her face and kissed her again. I couldn’t help it. I needed to feel her. I needed my hands on her body and her mouth against mine. I tried to remind myself that she hadn’t agreed to give me a shot, but I was on such a high from the night before that I couldn’t accept any other possibility.

  I pulled back reluctantly and looked down at her face. “How are you feeling today?” Translation…how do you feel about last night?

  She gave me a shy smile. “Good. I feel good. Things feel clearer now,” she admitted.

  My heart gave a quick thud as I waited for her to elaborate.

  “I still don’t know if I can get back to where we were, but maybe we can find something new. I know it’s not going to be easy, but I’m done fighting what I feel. I’m tired of trying to pretend that I can be happy without you.”

  A cautious smile broke across my face at her words. “We’re gonna do this? For real? You and me?” I asked, hoping beyond hope that I was hearing what I thought I was.

  “Just be patient with me, okay? I want to believe in us, but I’m still a little broken,” she said.

  I hugged her close. “We’ll heal the broken. We will. We’ll fight for this. Together. We’ll be better than we were. I promise you, Ally. I won’t let you down again. I love you.” My words were tumbling out quickly. Relief. Elation. I don’t think I’d ever felt them to this degree before.

  25

  Ally

  What a difference a year can make. A year ago, on my birthday, Owen had chosen work. He’d chosen to live a lie instead of putting us first. I had wanted him there so badly that night. And while he’d finally made it, once I was stumbling home drunk from my party, it hadn’t been the day I’d wanted.

  This year things were different.

  This year, he was right here beside me. I woke up in his arms after he’d spent the entire night before attending to my every want. I would be more than happy to just stay here with him all day. I didn’t want to move from this cocoon of bliss that I was in.

  This new place we were in felt good. I did my best not to think about the past. I wanted to focus on who we were now. We had both become different people. In truth, we’d come together as different versions of ourselves on every occasion. Innocent teenagers, hopeful adults, and scarred heartbroken casualties. Each time I had found what I needed in him. Logic never factored into our equation. I liked it that way. Logic could be exhausting.

  I stretched, my muscles deliciously sore.

  “Happy Birthday, sleepyhead,” Owen said, voice still husky from sleep. He let me finish my stretch and then pulled me closer to him, rolling over and pinning me beneath him.

  “Are you going to sing to me?” I asked.

  “Nobody wants to hear me sing,” he said, nipping my ear.

  “I do. I always want to hear you sing,” I admitted.

  He grumbled, taking time to kiss my neck, just beneath my ear. He cleared his throat and quietly started to sing in his rough sleepy voice. The vibration against my skin sending shivers rippling through me.

  “Happy Birthday to you,” he started before stopping to kiss my throat seductively. “Happy Birthday to you.” He moved to the other ear, before making a trail down the other side of my neck and to my cleavage. “Happy birthday, dear Kit Kat.” He moved lower taking time to take each of my breasts into his mouth, and sending a jolt straight to my core. “Happy Birthday to you,” he said as he covered my mouth with his and grinding his growing erection into me. I moaned out, my desire already ramping up.

  “How was that?” he asked.

  “Hmmm…I might want an encore, it was so good,” I closed my eyes as his mouth continued its lazy assault over my body.

  “For you, I think it could be arranged, but it’s gonna cost you,” he said, settling between my legs.

  “God help me if I decide I want cake later,”

  “I’m sure we can work something out. I do like frosting.” And with that he kissed me again, starting my birthday off with quite the celebration.

  It was mid morning before we’d finally decided to get up and face the day. When he joined me in the shower, only to keep me there until the water ran cold, we’d just ended up back in bed. So, maybe I would spend my entire birthday in a sex coma. I really wasn’t going to complain about it.

  Somehow, we made it up and dressed just before noon. I padded out to the kitchen, hair finally dry and body feeling sore, yet relaxed. Owen was in the kitchen, talking to Charlie as he moved about. I stopped in the doorway and listened as he explained to the eager pup why he couldn’t have the peanut butter just yet.

  “Whatcha doing?” I asked. Owen looked up and smiled.

  “I’m making you breakfast. Well, brunch. I didn’t let you get out of bed in time for breakfast,” he teased.

  “I’m starving. What are you making? I’m guessing there is peanut
butter involved,” I nodded toward the jar of peanut butter that Charlie was drooling over.

  “Peanut butter chocolate pancakes. I know they won’t be as good as breakfast nirvana...isn’t that what you called it? But, I did call and find out the perfect ratio of peanut butter to chocolate so that they’d be close,” he smiled, proud of himself.

  “You called and got the recipe?” I asked. He nodded. I was shocked they’d given it to him. Then again, he did ooze charm and charisma so it probably wasn’t hard for him to convince sweet Tammy to do anything that he’d asked.

  “I wanted to make sure that I got it right. It is your birthday after all,” he smiled. I walked towards him and he kissed my forehead sweetly, before moving over to his pancake batter.

  I sat down on the bar stool and watched him cook. Enjoying the way his back moved, the way he stretched when he reached for something in one of the cabinets. He was a beautiful man. I didn’t even care if he caught me staring.

  It wasn’t long before he joined me at the bar with two plates of pancakes and bacon. “I even get bacon?” I asked.

  “Don’t tell anyone,” he winked.

  I picked up my fork, but froze when he told me to wait. “What?” I asked confused at his outburst.

  He smiled at me and then pulled out a candle from his pocket. “You get to make a wish,” he smiled. I laughed as I watched him place the single candle into the center of my pancake stack and light it. “I already sang, so you can just wish,” he smiled. I closed my eyes, thinking about my wish. The truth was, I was pretty happy. What do you wish for when everything is finally falling into place? That’s easy, you wish to keep it.