Nanny Ogg's Cookbook.htm

by Nanny Ogg's Cookbook [lit]

  At Hogswatch, the keepin' qualities of your bacon and ham can be improved no end by sending a moderate portion round to the local witch. She will accept this modest burden.

  Witches are always helpful if approached properly, and never ask for anything in return.

  Incidentally, always remember that a proper witch has a string bag somewhere about her person, so any object you ask her to take away won't be too big.

  ETIQUETTE WITH GRA1VNY WEATHERWAX

  ESMERELDA WEATHERWAX IS NOT A TYPICAL WITCH, BEING THE BEST

  in the business, and needs a whole section to herself. I can get away with this because she does not read books. They make her angry.

  Of course, like all witches she is very willing to take old clothes that might be harbourin' evil spirits, also any cream, butter, cakes and pies that might otherwise come to the attention of occult forces. Bakin' day is one of those times when restless spirits gather round to play old hob with the world of humans, and a witch standin' by is a very good thing.

  It's not good luck to accept any food from Granny Weatherwax. People livin' by themselves get funny little ways, and Granny believes that she is quite a good cook. Her biscuits are all right, but you wouldn't want to eat her jam. Eating her jam is actually quite hard, because getting it off the spoon is a job in itself. Getting the spoon out of the jar is a task and a half.

  In fact the whole art of fancy cookery has passed her by. They say there's a bit of dwarf in all us Lancre people, and if that is so Esme got the bit that does the bakin'. Her rock cakes are particularly good if you want to build a rockery.

  When talking to Granny Weatherwax, correct subjects for conversation are: terrible things that have happened in foreign parts (plague, volcanoes, swarms of squid), the quality of young people today, and how the tea they make isn't a patch on the sort you used to get. Do not praise any other witch to her face, because her expression will go all solid and a little muscle will twitch under one eye.

  In fact, when talking to Granny Weatherwax the best thing to do is listen. She thinks anyone who can sit and listen for half an hour is a good conversationalist.

  ETIQUETTE WITH WIZARDS

  IT'S ALWAYS WISE TO ADDRESS A WIZARD AS 'YOUR GRACE', 'YOUR

  excellency', 'your huge wizardlyness' and similar titles. It doesn't matter which one you choose, so long as you appear to be impressed.

  Favourable comment on their clothes will be well received. Do not in any circumstances refer to a wizard's robe as a 'dress', even if it looks like one.

  When receiving visitors, wizards expect a present of cake. In return, when wizards visit you, they bring an appetite.

  Unlike witches (who never ask for anything in return) wizards require payin'.

  On no account take hold of a wizard's staff unless he asks you to; there are many bewildered amphibians and other crawlin' things in the world today who could have benefited from this advice.

  Young ladies of ambition should bear in mind that wizards are not allowed to get married. I have never seen the reason prop'ly explained, but apparently it's because nuptial arrangements affect their wizarding power in some way. Maybe their magic staff gets bendy or something. Therefore, if you invite them to dinner they gen'rally come alone but make up for it by eatin' enough for two.

  Notes About Other Species

  ONCE UPON A time most people in a large town might go through their life without seeing anyone other than humans, but today it is different and dwarfs and trolls, in particular, are familiar figures on our streets. It would take another book, hint hint, to do justice to this subject, but observance of these few helpful points should at least see that you get home without your head caved in and your knees chopped off.

  DWARFS

  THE IMPORTANT THING TO REMEMBER ABOUT DWARFS IS THAT

  every dwarf you see is 'he'. Yes, I know. Of course, when the chips are down, or whatever, a lot of them are she, but this is a subject dwarfs don't like to talk about. All dwarfs dress alike. They do the same sort of jobs. You have to know a dwarf quite well before you pick up hints. I knew one over at Copperhead who was as nippy a hand with the pick-axe as you'd find, and held his beer like a real dwarf (i.e., got completely ratted on half a pint), and if he hadn't been taken queer near my house with a stomachache which turned out to be young Olaf I'd never have guessed. And I'm good at guessing, you may depend upon it. Dwarfs are very close about these things. Not for nothing was Bashful a traditional dwarf name.

  These days things are freein' up a bit and there are dwarfs around with names like Gunilla Glodsdaughter, and things are getting a bit tense in dwarf society as a result. Even so, it's etiquette always to refer to a dwarf as 'he' unless she tells you different. On the whole, those who prefer 'she' tell you within three seconds,

  Do not let the fact that every dwarf you see has a long beard

  fool you. A forward-thinking young female dwarf might hammer out her breastplate to a more fetchin' shape and look for lingerie that isn't made of leather, or at least is made of a more interest™' leather, but she would never dream of shaving off her beard.

  Dwarfs understand that human speech contains words like 'small', 'short' and 'lawn ornament', and mostly don't take offence. However, don't push your luck.

  DWARF TABLE MAMJVERS

  ... DO ACTUALLY EXIST, DESPITE WHAT YOU MAY THINK. THEY'RE JUST

  different.

  Dwarfs spend a lot of their time in the dark, being polite and quiet, eating moderately (because there is a limit to what you can carry in a mine shaft) and not drinking. This is because a drunkard blundering around in a narrow dark space full of pit props does not make friends easily.

  However, this way of life is not a natural way to behave and so, when they get together socially, dwarfs tend to let their beards down.

  Humans aren't often invited to share their lives, but you may be invited to a dwarf banquet. Do not wear your best clothes. Something lightweight is advisable, since the heat is usually intense.

  Expect to be served meat on the bone, with no cutlery other than a very sharp knife. The correct way to consume your food is to cram as much as possible into your mouth. That's it, really. Meat bones are hurled away from you with force, and it is considered good manners, or at least very amusing, to hit another diner.

  Do not look for a vegetarian option.

  Beer is the only drink served at dwarf banquets. The correct method of drinking is the 'quaff, whereby the beer is violently propelled towards the mouth from horn or mug held some inches away. Do not worry if you miss, because it is bound to hit someone else, who will be grateful for it.

  A proper banquet has only three courses:

  1 The bread and meat

  2 Carousing

  3 Fighting

  The carousing is easy, since no one else will remember the words either, and if it comes to that no one really knows what 'carouse' means. It's more or less like the way people behave around an all-night Klatchian take-away after the pubs have shut.

  Do not worry about the fighting. At this stage of the evening any human still able to stand up is considered practically an honorary dwarf. However, any woman with her hair in long pigtails would be advised to steer clear of any dwarf with a throwing axe and a beer-soaked belief in his marksmanship.

  TROLLS

  TROLLS HAVE A REPUTATION FOR VIOLENCE, AND THIS IS BECAUSE THEY

  are naturally violent or, I should say, extremely physical. Back in their homelands it is considered good manners to beat another troll over the head with a club when you meet him for the first time. This is the equivalent of saying 'How do you do?'

  It is not good manners to extend a hand. In some troll dialects, where body language is a major part of the conversation, this is a very bad remark about his mother.

  It is amazing how long it took for humans and trolls to work this out.

  Most trolls you are likely to meet understand this now, but if upon meeting a troll you can find it in you to hit him as hard as you can on
the chin, you will have a friend for life and also someone to carry you to the nearest bonesetter.

  If invited to dine with trolls, you must remember that there is very little that trolls and humans can both eat. Trolls can enjoy some human foods, merely for the flavour, but they can't digest them properly and they don't have much food value for trolls. Thoughtful trolls will provide food suitable for humans. I'd better warn you, though, that trolls have only one word for vegetables and one word for meat. If they've known humans for some time they'll probably recognize that 'oak tree' and 'cabbage' are different, and so are 'cow' and 'frog'. What I'm delicately alludin' to here is that you'll get something organic, and probably heated. After that, you're on your own.

  Trolls in the wild generally wear just a loincloth in order to have somewhere to hang knives and similar. In towns they've mostly adapted to wearing clothes of a sort, although this causes a few difficulties because male trolls find the sight of female trolls in large amounts of clothing very . . . interesting. I hear where there are places in Ankh-Morpork where lady trolls do a dance that ends up with them wearin' seven very thick blankets, by which time the gentleman trolls are breaking up the furniture and whistlin'.

  If you invite trolls to dinner, settle for the loincloth.

  PIXIES

  AMONG THE CLANS OF THE PIXIES OR, AS THEY PREFER, THE PICTSIES, IT'S

  considered good etiquette to invite the whole of another clan to a huge banquet and then slaughter them all when they're drunk. Of course, this plan never works, because no pictsie is going to go to a banquet and lay off the drink, even if his chieftain has told him to stand by for some butchering later on, so what usually happens is that you get two roaring drunk mobs trying to slaughter one another and missing. A perfectly ordinary feast, in other words.

  It is said that, if you leave a saucer of milk out for the pictsies, they will break into your cottage and steal everything in your drinks cabinet.

  ETIQUETTE WITH SCARECROWS

  THIS MAY BE A BIT STRANGE, AND ONLY APPLIES IN LANCRE. IN FACT,

  it only really applies to Unlucky Charlie.

  Unlucky Charlie was made many years ago as a sort of target for use in the Witch Trials*, and has been blown up, blown apart, sent flying and generally magically mangled for years.

  What we did not realize in them days, of course, is that if you keep throwin' magic at something, some of it sticks.

  There is something scary about scarecrows, in any case. I know that's their job, but I mean scarier even than that. They're not exactly people but they're not exactly just.. .stuff. Or maybe it's those cut-out eyes.

  Unlucky Charlie moves about. No one has ever seen how he does it. He might turn up in your garden, or right under the front of the window. You might come down of a morning and there he is standin' by the fire. I once found him in my bedroom, still on his stake.

  The important thing is not to make a fuss or rush about, and certainly not to touch him. You can say things like 'Good morning, Unlucky Charlie,' or 'You're looking very frightening today, Unlucky Charlie.' If there's a meal and he's in the room, put out a portion for Unlucky Charlie. He won't eat any, but some people say that he rustles a bit, which might mean he's sayin' thank you although it could be just mice.

  *A general get-together when witches from all the Ramtops come and meet in a typical witchy atmosphere of sisterhood and goodwill (i.e., all nice smiles over the top of a seethin' mass of envy, scurrilous gossip and general touchiness - I like the Trials). The witches show off tricks and spells developed during the year in a spirit of friendly co-operation (har bar) to see who is going to come second to Granny Weatherwax, although of course this is all in fun and not a serious contest (I can hardly keep a straight face even when writin' this down). And there's a bonfire afterwards, and more gossip. In the bad old days, my own granny told me, a real person was sometimes used instead of Unlucky Charlie, but witches ain't like that any more. Well, most of them ain't. Some of 'em, anyway. Me, at least.

  It is quite all right to dry clothes on him, because Unlucky Charlie likes to be useful. But remember to take them off him before you go to bed, otherwise they'll be gone in the morning and so will he.

  People say that if Unlucky Charlie conies to your house and feels he's been well treated you'll get a monster crop of pumpkins next year, even if you didn'/ plant any seeds.

  Do not play tricks on him, or stay up to watch him leave. A few people have tried it and they've been found very deeply asleep the next morning and, for ever afterwards, a little bit quiet and very reticent on the whole subject of straw.

  Rules of Precedence

  THESE CAN BE very tryin' for even the most experienced hostess. Now, of course, the way to start would be to tell you how to address dukes and counts but, you know, you can go for days without ever havin' an earl to dinner. Anyway, your genuine

  aristocrat swears worse than my granny and never bothers with a napkin if there's a footman to wipe his hands on. I used to work up the Palace when I was a girl when they used to have visitin' nobs of all kinds. I could tell you stories (but I won't because gossip is not in my nature). Let's just say I could've been a duchess ... well, tecbnic'ly ... if I hadn't been quicker on my feet. For your average party, the rules of precedence run like this:

  Witches (this is automatic, and witches sit where they like). Someone who has brought a whole bottle of whisky with a

  name you recognize.

  Someone who has brought a whole bottle of whisky with a

  name you recognize, but which, on closer examination,

  is spelled wrong (this is definitely a sign that you

  shouldn't spill any on the carpet).

  Someone who can play a musical instrument really well

  while drunk.

  Someone who has brought any kind of bottle of drink (if it's a second-hand bottle with an old cork hammered in halfway, though, have a care. Some of the very best drink comes out of the deep woods in second-hand bottles. Have a sniff. If your eyes water, you have a new friend). Someone who can play a musical instrument really well

  while sober.

  Anyone with any interestin' gossip.*

  Anyone who can do interestin' tricks, like makin' faces through a toilet seat or farting in tunes (people always remember my parties, often for years). Everyone else.

  * I always say: if you haven't got anything good to say about anyone, say it to me.

  See how sensible this is? Even if you're a duke, unless you brought a bottle or know all the verses of the dirty version of 'Where Has All The Custard Gone?' you're nobody at one of my wanes. I was once at a posh do in Ankh-Morpork and there was one man there everyone was bowin' and scrapin' to and, you know, he didn't sing a single comic song? He didn't even bring a bottle and even trills know to bring a bottle. Some people have no idea how to behave, in my opinion.

  Modes of Address

  A LOT OF MY old etiquette books make a big thing about this and really it boils down to a few simple rules.

  When you are dealin' with armed men, or people who employ armed men, there is no time to wonder if you are dealing with the second son of a viscount or whatever. No. What you are dealing with is ed^ed weapons, and edged weapons are always addressed as 'sir'. Or even 'my lord'. All edged weapons care about is that you know what you are in the scheme of things, i.e., something easily cut.

  After that it's all a lot simpler. Gen'rally speaking, how you address other people depends on you. The kind of people who fret if they're called 'your graciousness' instead of 'your sire-ness' aren't worth knowing. I always find 'Wotcha, how's your belly off for spots?' and a good slap on the back works nine times out of ten.

  Contrary to what you might believe, calling someone 'friend' or 'pal' is not considered friendly or pally. Nor is an inquiry as to whether their mother can sew.

  Etiquette at the Table

  SOONER OR LATER, as my advice helps you rise through society like a bubble of marsh gas, you will find yourself lookin' at a tabl
e covered in glasses (if you're looking at a table covered in glass, you have probab'ly strayed into one of those bars I mentioned earlier and it is time to call someone 'sir'). There will also be more cutlery around your plate than your mother owned. The advice used to be to start with the eating irons that are on the outside, but some butlers have got wise to this and have taken to movin' them around for a laugh. However, you can use this to your advantage 'cos no one knows the right ones to choose. So pick anything that looks useful and act with confidence. The chances are that the rest of the table will meekly join you and they'll be eating their soup with the teaspoons as if they'd meant to all along. I have to say, though, that the posher the dinner the fiddlier the food, and so you'll be one up on everybody if you learn to use the more difficult cutlery - asparagus tongs, pea shooters, parsnip spears and the like. They'll be useful for these tricky foods.